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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, September 15, 2016

[Jokes from Sept. 1, 2016]

“Donald Trump gave a big speech on immigration last night. And during the speech, he said that Mexico is 100% going to pay for his, quote, ‘beautiful border wall’. Mexicans were like, ‘Wait, you never said it was going to be beautiful. Who do we write the check out to?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump maintains that he will build a wall. A beautiful wall. He keeps saying the wall will be beautiful. You know, there are some people who think we need to build a wall; I don’t think anyone’s requiring that it be beautiful. It seems like a simple basic wall, maybe from IKEA, would do the trick.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In his speech last night, Donald Trump proposed new screening to prevent violent extremists from entering the U.S. In response, Trump’s supporters said, ‘But we’re already here.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, Donald Trump said if he’s elected, he will employ a ‘deportation task force’. It’s not really necessary, because if he’s elected most people will probably leave voluntarily.” – Conan O’Brien

“A prominent Latino Trump supporter announced today he is withdrawing his support for Donald Trump. He said, ‘I would have done it sooner but I just came out of a year-long coma.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Rudy Giuliani spoke at Donald Trump’s rally last night after he got back from Mexico and debuted a new campaign hat. This is real. We did not make this up. It reads, ‘Make Mexico great again also.’ They didn’t stop there. They also debuted another hat that says, ‘Oh, yeah, I guess we better make Canada great again, too, while we’re at it, in addition to the United States and Mexico.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll reveals that supporters of both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are motivated by fear, not excitement. And third-party candidate Gary Johnson supporters are motivated by being related to Gary Johnson.” – Conan O’Brien

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Are You Better Off?

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

In general the economy has been growing since Obama took office, but Republican tax cuts and other regressive measures meant that virtually all of that gain has been going exclusively to the wealthiest people. Even though the average household income was going up, the vast majority of American households were not benefiting.

A more significant measure is the median income — the income at which half of all Americans make less, and half make more. So it is very good news that the Census Bureau just reported that the incomes of typical Americans rose in 2015 by 5.2%, the first gain to middle-class pay since the Great Recession and the fastest increase ever recorded by the federal government.

This leaves the median income only 1.6% below where it was in 2007, the last year before the recession, and 2.4% below the all-time high reached in 1999 (all figures adjusted for inflation). Which means that if we only get half the growth this year that we did last year, we will exceed the record high by the time Obama leaves office. We don’t have the numbers yet, but we may already have.

The poor are doing better as well. The poverty rate fell 1.2% to 13.5%, the biggest drop since 1968 (in the aftermath of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society, which introduced Medicare, Medicaid, Headstart, Community Action, and many other programs whose goal was the elimination of poverty and racial injustice).

Indeed, incomes rose for every age group and every race in every part of the country. And in a stunning reversal of recent trends, incomes rose fastest for the non-wealthy, so the gap between the rich and the poor actually got smaller in 2015!

In his debate against Carter in 1980, Reagan famously asked Americans “Are You Better Off Than You Were Four Years Ago?“. That rhetorical question is credited as cementing Reagan’s victory in the election. Today, the great majority of Americans are already better off than they were four years ago. They are also better off than they were eight years ago, and by the end of the year, they may well be better off than they have ever been.

The irony is that when Republicans are asked about the economy, their opinion sours when Obama’s name is mentioned. In a large poll of Republicans, half were asked to compare the current economy to what it was “when President Obama was first elected” and half were asked to compare it to “the year 2008”. Obviously, these dates are identical. Nevertheless, Republicans were 19 points more likely to say their personal financial situation had gotten worse, and 20 points more likely to say that the economy as a whole had declined, when asked the question that included Obama’s name.

Obviously, facts won’t matter to those people. But for those of us living in a place called reality, we really are better off.

Jim Morin
© Jim Morin

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Is Trump Bad for Marriage?

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

A poll done by The Guardian concludes that Donald Trump is fueling an especially deep split among married couples. In particular, men are pressuring their wives to vote for Trump, but in many cases the wives are not obeying. At least three door-to-door political canvassers have reported similar stories: after the canvasser leaves a house where the husband said he was planning on voting for Trump, the wife chases the canvasser down the street to say that under no circumstances would she do the same.

Estimates say that twice as many couples are voting for different candidates than did in 2012. Other polls point to a reason — among Republican women (married or not) Trump is running nearly 20 points behind Romney (in 2012), McCain (in 2008), and Dubya (in 2004).

In addition to the sexism and misogyny exhibited by Trump, women object to him on other grounds. One poll respondent said “I don’t even want my child to listen to his speeches, and yet he’s supposed to be my president?”

In some cases, men weren’t even aware of the split. A few years ago a poll showed that 72% of men said with confidence that their partner would vote the same way as they did, but only 49% of women said the same thing. And that math just doesn’t add up. They call this the “sure, honey” factor. Men assume who their wives will vote for, but women just respond “sure, honey” to avoid conflict.

But with this election, the split is more out in the open. Some women are threatening “Vote Trump, get dumped” to their husbands. Others are withholding sex until their spouse changes their vote.

The one thing that everybody can agree on is that Trump’s campaign is bad for marriage.

Matt Wuerker
© Matt Wuerker

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

[Jokes from Aug. 31, 2016]

“Donald Trump made a surprise trip to Mexico for a meeting with the country’s president, Enrique Peña Nieto. Or as Trump put it, ‘Nice to meet you, Eric Piñata.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, the president of Mexico hosted Donald Trump. It was just another example of a Mexican doing a job that Americans don’t want.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump traveled to Mexico today to meet with President Enrique Peña Nieto. Said Trump, ‘Wow, this place has more illegal immigrants than we do.'” – Seth Meyers

“Today Donald Trump made a last-minute trip to Mexico to meet with Mexican President Enrique Peña [Nieto] — and you just know that as soon as Trump crossed into Mexico, even Hillary Clinton was like, ‘OK, let’s get cracking on that wall.'” – James Corden

“After insulting Mexico for the past year, Donald Trump was in Mexico today. Things got awkward when he made a speech that started out, ‘Hola, Rapists.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Mexican president is saying that he told Trump that Mexico would not pay for the wall, while Trump says they never discussed who would pay for it. In Trump’s defense, who has ever gone down to Mexico and remembered what they did?” – James Corden

“Donald Trump and Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto held a joint press conference where Trump said the two did discuss his proposed border wall but did not address payment for its construction. Said Trump, ‘You know me, I don’t like to talk about money.'” – Seth Meyers

“If you’re feeling frustrated with Trump’s Mexico antics and you’re not quite sold on Hillary Clinton, luckily there’s another presidential candidate who has been making her voice heard and that’s Green Party candidate Jill Stein. If you don’t know who Jill Stein is, just picture Bernie Sanders, and now picture the woman in the back of his rally selling dream catchers.” – James Corden

“According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is more unpopular than ever, but still not as unpopular as Donald Trump. So this election is kind of like asking people if they’d rather have chlamydia or gonorrhea.” – Conan O’Brien

“A reporter went through Hillary Clinton’s schedule while she was secretary of state and found that she and Bill were often away from each other, and sometimes even on different continents. When asked why they didn’t try to coordinate their schedules, Hillary said, ‘Oh, we did.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie just vetoed a proposal to boost New Jersey’s minimum wage to $15 an hour. Then fast food workers said, ‘After all we’ve done for you?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was spotted singing and dancing at a Bruce Springsteen concert. Then Christie tried to crowd surf and killed nine people.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry will compete on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Which is why this season it will be called ‘Dancing with the Stars … and Rick Perry.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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Republicans for Bill?

Monday, September 12, 2016

WaPo has an interesting article today about Trump supporters who loathe Hillary but love her husband Bill Clinton. According to polls, around a fifth of people who support Donald Trump view Bill favorably. During recent interviews, many Trump voters went out of their way to tell the author of the article that they abhor Hillary but admire Bill.

They believe Bill felt their pain; they see Hillary as heartless. They thought of Bill as an Arkansas outsider taking on the established order; they think Hillary embodies that order. (A surprising number of folks talk about the former secretary of state as if she’s a sitting president seeking reelection…)

Among Trump voters, 19% like Bill, but only 3% like Hillary. Negative views are even worse — 92% of Trump voters hold a “strongly unfavorable” view of Hillary, but only 55% feel the same way about Bill.

Across all Americans, 56% have a favorable impression of Bill, compared to 41% who have a favorable impression of Hillary.

The article says that there is definitely a “gender dynamic” (is that what people are now calling “sexism”?). Trump supporters, including women, say “I don’t think America is ready for a woman to run this country.”

Also interesting is that many Trump supporters acknowledge that he is an extremist, but justify voting for him because “The stuff people say he’s an extremist about is never going to happen. Congress is never going to let it happen.” They say they liked the dynamic when Bill was president, where Republicans in Congress kept him in check (was impeaching him a way of keeping him in check?). Unfortunately, they don’t seem to realize that Republicans currently control both houses and the Dems are extremely unlikely to wrest Congressional control from them.

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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, September 12, 2016

[Jokes from Aug. 30, 2016]

“On September 26th Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton will face off in a debate at Hofstra University. The Clinton campaign is using psychology experts to create a personality profile of Trump to figure out what his approach might be. I don’t know, are they preparing for a debate or trying to catch the Zodiac Killer?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The first presidential debate is now less than one month away and apparently the candidates have two very different ways of preparing. Hillary Clinton pores over briefing books, thick with policy arcana and opposition research. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is all about spectacle. One former aide said ‘Trump wants to be a showstopper in the Roman coliseum, the main event at WrestleMania.’ Which makes sense since just like pro wrestling, you look at Trump’s campaign and say ‘That’s got to be fake!'” – Stephen Colbert

“Both candidates are practicing for the debates, and according to insiders, Hillary Clinton is still trying to find a stand-in for Donald Trump. So far the best she’s come up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton said, ‘I’m not taking anything for granted, I don’t know which Donald Trump will show up.’ She’s right, it could be the Donald Trump we see on cable news, could be the Donald Trump we see at these rallies, it could be Donald Trump Jr. … technically still a Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton spoke yesterday about her preparation for the upcoming presidential debate, and told reporters, quote, ‘I do not know which Donald Trump will show up.’ Yes — will it be the kind, generous and intelligent Donald Trump, or will it be the one who exists?” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new poll, 54 percent of Republican voters don’t believe Trump was the best choice to be their party’s nominee for president, they wished they’d picked someone else. Kind of like when you go to buy a shirt. You see all these shirts, plain patterns, regular shirts. They look OK but not exciting. Then tucked in the middle of all these plain shirts, you see this totally awesome shirt. It’s bold. It’s different. It doesn’t play by the other shirts’ rules. You buy it, you get home, you try the shirt on, you look at yourself in the mirror and then your wife walks in and says, ‘What the hell are you wearing?'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is planning a major immigration policy speech Wednesday in Arizona. Now, he was originally supposed to give it last Thursday in Colorado, so it moved later and further south. If he delays it again, it’s Monday at the Panama Canal.” – Stephen Colbert

“On Sunday in California, several dozen Latinos held a rally for Donald Trump. They were a group calling themselves ‘Latinos Who Don’t Really Follow the News’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said in an interview today that Donald Trump’s focus on a border wall is because ‘a wall is something very easy for people to understand.’ Whereas tax returns, super complicated.” – Seth Meyers

“An African-American pastor who is a prominent Trump campaign surrogate tweeted out a cartoon of Hillary Clinton in blackface yesterday and accused her of pandering to black voters. Clinton responded calling the accusations, quote, ‘untrue’ and ‘wack as hell, dawg.'” – Seth Meyers

“Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, has decided to finally separate from him after his latest sexting scandal. So ladies: ‘He’s single!” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump weighed in on this, saying that our national security may have been compromised by the scandal because Weiner’s wife had access to Hillary’s security briefs. I wouldn’t worry though, ‘cuz Weiner’s only sharing the stuff that’s in his own briefs.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mrs. Palin just posted on Facebook that she tripped and fell while doing something called ‘Rock-running’. Not sure what rock-running is, but I think it’s when you jog while playing air guitar.” – Stephen Colbert

“Palin fell and hit her head on a rock. Don’t worry, she’s OK or, you know, the same.” – Stephen Colbert

“This November, Californians get to vote on whether or not to legalize recreational marijuana. They can either forget to vote in person, or forget to vote by mail.” – Conan O’Brien

“Ryan Lochte and former Gov. Rick Perry will appear on this season’s ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ The theme of this season is ‘Dumb’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis met with Mark Zuckerberg yesterday at the Vatican, and it was revealed that the Pope doesn’t actually have an official Facebook account. In other words, he wants to connect with millions of Catholics worldwide, just not the ones he went to high school with.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Zuckerberg actually gave the Pope a drone. The Pope was like, ‘You mean it hovers above us and sees everything? Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Queen Elizabeth is advertising for a housekeeping assistant to live and work in Buckingham Palace. The job would require dusting all the palace antiques — like chandeliers, vases, and Queen Elizabeth.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Well, That’s One!

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Friday night, Hillary Clinton asserted that about half of Trump’s supporters were not persuadable because Trump appeals to and amplifies their racist, xenophobic, sexist, Islamaphobic, and anti-Semitic viewpoints.

The Trump campaign quickly condemned the comment, saying that Clinton should apologize. And Clinton did respond that she regretted saying “half”. But is it true that Trump is trying to appeal to the base instincts of racism, bigotry, and xenophobia in this country?

Well, on the very same day, Donald Trump claimed:

I think this will be the last election that the Republicans have a chance of winning because you’re going to have people flowing across the border, you’re going to have illegal immigrants coming in and they’re going to be legalized and they’re going to be able to vote, and once that all happens, you can forget it.

Again, on the same day, Trump advisor Michele Bachmann at the Values Voter Summit was saying the same things only with added racism and xenophobia:

If you look at the numbers of people who vote and who live in the country and who Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton want to bring in to the country, this is the last election when we even have a chance to vote for somebody who will stand up for godly moral principles. This is it.

If Trump isn’t purposely appealing to racists and xenophobes, why do he and his surrogates keep saying things like that?

There is plenty more evidence. On Saturday, there was a press event hosted by a white nationalist group that spoke appreciatively of the Trump campaign because it has given them a higher profile. And last week, former KKK leader David Duke did robo-calling encouraging people to vote for Trump.

Just look at the people Trump has on his campaign. He hired Stephen Bannon of Breitbart News as his campaign CEO, a major advocate for the alt-right movement who has made anti-gay slurs, insulted the Catholic church, and was charged in a domestic violence case. And his campaign manager, who called for Clinton to apologize for insulting Trump’s supporters, when she was working for Ted Cruz, called Trump’s supporters “downright nasty” and “skeeze”.

To borrow a quote, maybe not all Trump supporters are racists and bigots, but the vast majority of racists and bigots are Trump supporters. Maybe not half, but more or less. Probably bloody close.

Let’s look at what we do know. 76% of Trump supporters want to ban Muslims from entering the US. 40% say that blacks are more violent, more criminal, lazier, and ruder than whites. 59% believe that Barack Obama was not born in the US and 87% think he is not a Christian. And we don’t have room to discuss Trump’s sexism.

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The Epitome

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Joel Pett
© Joel Pett

Donald Trump is the epitome of everything that is wrong with our country. He has been ripping off people for most of his life. He is a loud, obnoxious asshat who lies just to get off. He says that makes him uniquely qualified to fix it.

What I can’t understand is why anyone believes him. Do 40% of Americans have Stockholm syndrome?

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Perspective

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Ruben Bolling
© Ruben Bolling

I loved the original “View of the World from 9th Avenue” that was on the cover of The New Yorker way back in 1978. The attitude it was poking fun of was (at least partially) based in reality. A few years later, when I was moving from the East coast to Oregon, a friend of mine from New York inquired about Oregon, asking “Is it near Kansas?”. Remembering the map, I simply said “Pretty much”.

In the years since, that cover has been parodied many times. I’m actually really surprised that nobody else thought of updating it for Donald Trump.

Incidentally, the corner of 5th Ave and 56th St is the location of Trump Tower.

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Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, September 10, 2016

[Jokes from Aug. 29, 2016]

“Donald Trump is trying to turn his poll numbers around and recently told his supporters that if he’s elected, the White House will become the people’s house. He was like, ‘Because I ain’t living in that dump. I’m going to get a mansion down the street and I’ll check in every other week.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A 25-year-old has scammed over $1 million from Trump supporters. It’s being called ‘the first time in years that the Trump name has actually made someone money.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s doctor, Harold Bornstein, has been making the rounds to defend his unusually effusive report on the candidate’s health . . . He wrote, ‘If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.’ I guess that means he did physicals on Obama and Reagan and Lincoln, too.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, spoke about Trump’s new immigration policy over the weekend, and said he will ensure that enforcement is humane. Humane? I don’t think it’s a good sign when a candidate is talking about undocumented immigrants the same way KFC talks about chickens.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump is challenging Hillary Clinton to release ‘detailed medical records’. This marks the first time Trump’s ever been interested in the body of a woman over 40.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton has begun pledging $30 billion over the next decade to retrain coal miners to be able to work in newer technology businesses, so get ready for an interesting trip to the Apple Store.” – Seth Meyers

“Apple next week is expected to unveil the iPhone 7. ‘How’s the camera?’ asked Anthony Weiner.” – Seth Meyers

“Anthony Weiner is back in the news with another sexting scandal. He’s like the Michael Phelps of sexting. He keeps saying he’s going to retire, but every four years he’s back.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Kim Jong Un reportedly threw a huge outdoor dance party on Thursday to celebrate the successful test of North Korea’s ballistic missile. Residents described the party as fun, exciting, and mandatory.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Changing Opinions?

Friday, September 9, 2016

Matt Lubchansky
© Matt Lubchansky

Is it almost impossible to change people’s opinions with facts? If so, is democracy doomed?

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The Irony of the USA Freedom Kids

Thursday, September 8, 2016

USA Freedom KidsLast summer a group of children calling themselves the “USA Freedom Kids” appeared at a Trump rally. According to NY Magazine, they became an instant sensation “because of the contrast between the adorableness of the performers and the quasi-fascistic undertones of their lyrics”. Like the line “Deal from strength or get crushed every time.”

Maybe they should have listened to their own lyrics, because apparently the group and their manager didn’t “deal from strength”.

They were supposed to be paid $2,500 for appearing, but then they were told that they could instead have a free table to sell CDs. They accepted, but when they arrived they found there was no table. They performed anyway, but when they returned to their car, they discovered that all their merchandise had been stolen. Next, they were asked to fly to Iowa to appear at Trump’s rally to help veterans. But Trump stiffed them again, not only not paying them, but he didn’t even reimburse them for their travel costs.

Yes, this is the same rally where Trump somehow forgot to donate the money he promised to the veterans until he was reminded by the media, and then only gave around half of what he claimed he had collected for them. So the kids are in good company — people who have been “crushed” by Trump.

The group is now suing Trump. Good luck with that.

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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, September 8, 2016

[Jokes from Aug. 26, 2016]

“The Washington Post published an entire biography of Donald Trump that’s 431 pages long. Trump said it’s a little longer than the books he likes to read, by about 431 pages.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Trump biography also reveals that he doesn’t have a computer at his desk in Trump Tower. Instead, every five minutes he just shouts at his secretary, ‘Barbara! Google me!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The FBI is investigating whether Russian intelligence agencies have hacked the computers at The New York Times, or as the Times reported it, ‘Putin named world’s sexiest leader.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Mylan, the company that produces these EpiPens, have jacked up the price of these pens from less than $100 for a pair, to over $600. That price is enough to send you into shock, but don’t do it because you can’t afford the pen anymore.” – Stephen Colbert

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The Saudi Connection

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Donald Trump recently blasted the Clinton Foundation for taking donations from Saudi Arabia, saying that she should return their money because they have a poor human rights record. “I am calling on her to immediately return the $25 million plus she got from them for the Clinton Foundation!”

And when Sean Hannity on Fox News asked Trump “Would you take money from the Saudi?” Trump said no.

But according to the New York Daily News, Trump has taken lots of money from the Saudis. In fact, just last year Trump said “Saudi Arabia — and I get along great with all of them. They buy apartments from me. They spend $40 million, $50 million. Am I supposed to dislike them? I like them very much.”

So, who would probably be more influenced by the Saudi government? Remember, the Clintons do not make any money personally from the Clinton Foundation. And we don’t know how far in bed Trump is with the Saudis, because he won’t release his tax returns.

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Trump and the Truth

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

The New Yorker is starting a new series of articles all about “Trump and the Truth“:

Donald Trump, the Republican nominee for President, does not so much struggle with the truth as strangle it altogether. He lies to avoid. He lies to inflame. He lies to promote and to preen. Sometimes he seems to lie just for the hell of it. He traffics in conspiracy theories that he cannot possibly believe and in grotesque promises that he cannot possibly fulfill. When found out, he changes the subject—or lies larger.

Trump lies to an extent that goes far beyond what we have ever seen in a president, or as they put it “in the scale and in the depth of his lying, Donald Trump is in another category”.

Indeed, a series of articles are required in order to cover and fact check all the lies. The first article in the series deals with Trump and immigration.

I must admit that I was reluctant to read the first article, as I have already heard so much about Trump and immigration (and written about it here). But I learned much by reading it, as it is carefully researched and crafted, in order to cut the heart out of not just Trump’s statements, but his entire appeal. No other issue has given Trump so much milage as immigration, as he stokes the fires of fear of the “rapists and criminals” who are supposedly flooding into our country from Mexico and other places.

But there is no actual basis for this fear. Immigrants (including the illegal ones) commit far less crime than ordinary (and legal) citizens. “If you live in a city that has become less dangerous in recent decades, a growing body of evidence suggests that you actually have immigrants to thank.”

I won’t go through all the evidence — the article does that beautifully. Go read it.

There will be a new article every week. I look forward to them.

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