Political Irony

[Jokes from Sept. 12, 2016]

“This weekend Hillary Clinton called half of Trump supporters a basket of deplorables. A basket of deplorables is not only an insult, but it’s also the top-selling item at KFC.” – James Corden

“Hillary Clinton upset Republicans this weekend after she accused half of Trump supporters of belonging to a basket of deplorables, which is also Trump’s usual order at KFC. ‘I will have the 12-piece basket of deplorables. Tremendously crispy.'” – Seth Meyers

“RNC Chairman Reince Priebus spoke out against Hillary Clinton’s attack on Donald Trump’s supporters and said, ‘Clinton’s comments show outright contempt for ordinary people.’ Then again, so does the name Reince Priebus.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton had to walk back a comment she made about Trump supporters last week. So, if you’re keeping track, Trump supporters are deplorable, and Hillary supporters are deportable.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While in New York Hillary became overheated and had to leave an event to receive medical attention. It turns out that she had been diagnosed with pneumonia on Friday. I mean this was a scary moment for Donald Trump because he was thinking, ‘Oh God, I might actually have to be the president.'” – James Corden

“Hillary Clinton left the Ground Zero memorial service early yesterday because she felt overheated. Said Trump, ‘Hey, if anyone’s too hot it’s my daughter Ivanka.'” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary was just diagnosed with pneumonia. And to everyone’s surprise, Trump has refused to attack her while she’s sick and even said that he hopes she feels better. At which point, people started asking Trump if he was feeling OK.” – Jimmy Fallon

“But today on Fox News Trump actually said, ‘I just hope she gets well and gets back on the trail.’ I mean forget Hillary, is Trump OK?” – James Corden

“I guess Trump really does want her to get better, because today he sent her some flowers in a basket of deplorables.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said he wishes Hillary Clinton a speedy recovery from her pneumonia. He said, ‘Get well soon, you shrill, lying crook.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that Hillary Clinton is so sick that she’s been using a body double. When Bill Clinton heard about it, he said, ‘Man, I wish.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Following the news that Hillary Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, Donald Trump has promised to release his own medical records. ‘Wait, you wanted me to save those?’ said his doctor.” – Seth Meyers

“After Hillary Clinton’s health scare yesterday, Donald Trump has said he will release his medical records and he said he’s expecting some ‘very large numbers’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Green Party candidate Jill Stein said on Sunday that she would not have assassinated Osama bin Laden, but instead would have captured him and brought him to trial. I would say that will hurt her poll numbers but she only has one.” – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Sept. 9, 2016]

“Donald Trump said this week that Vladimir Putin has been a leader far more than our president has been a leader, and he’s got a point. I mean, if President Obama was as strong a leader as Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump would be dead by now. That would be the difference.” – Seth Meyers

“Vladimir Putin told Bloomberg Businessweek that Russia never interfered with the U.S. election and doesn’t plan to. Putin was like, ‘Trust me – it was hard enough rigging ‘The Bachelorette.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night North Korea conducted what they claim was a successful test of their biggest nuclear warhead yet. So congrats to them. I’m glad they’re finally figuring that out. Will someone please tell Kim Jong Un they like his new glasses and he looks like he lost weight so he doesn’t kill everybody on the West Coast?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Don’t worry, though. Donald Trump is going to take care of all of this. How do you fight crazy hair? With even crazier hair.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t know if you saw this but some interesting photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. There he is [shows photo] at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. How perfect is this photograph? Look at those two bitter enemies sizing each other up. It looks like the first three minutes of a ‘Girls Gone Wild’ video. It represents the United States at its peak. Before 9/11, before ISIS, before ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ — just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models. This is probably why Trump hates Hillary. She ruined this for them. She took his wing man away.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who will be moderator for the final presidential debate of election season, said in an interview this week that he doesn’t feel it’s his job to call out the candidates when they lie. ‘Super!’ said Hillary and Donald at the same time.” – Seth Meyers

“Fashion Week is in full swing here in New York City. During one interview, Kendall Jenner made the comment that Hillary Clinton might look good in a jumpsuit. Then Hillary said, ‘Well, hopefully they never find those emails or it’ll be an orange jumpsuit.'” – Jimmy Fallon

(Get it?)

Trump claims that he won all but one of the post debate polls. Including CBS. Except, CBS didn’t do a post debate poll.

You know, sometimes I think Trump lies just to see if we are paying attention.

By the way, even if you are sick of news about the debate, this Colbert video is hilarious. Force yourself to watch it!

© Dan Wasserman

[Jokes from Sept. 8, 2016]

“Last night was NBC’s Commander-in-Chief Forum where Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump gave live back-to-back interviews about national security, and the candidates decided who would go first with a coin toss. But there was an awkward moment when Trump saw the coin, grabbed it, and put it in his pocket. ‘So what? I didn’t see a coin, what coin, what are you talking about?'” – James Corden

“In all seriousness Donald Trump called heads, but just in case he lost he also called the whole thing rigged.” – James Corden

“Last night they held, like, an appetizer debate — an ‘amuse douche,’ if you will. It was called the Commander-in-Chief Forum. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump answered questions about national security. It was the first time the two of them were in the same room since Trump’s wedding.” – Stephen Colbert

“It took place right here in New York on the aircraft carrier Intrepid. Once the two of them were on board, a lot of people were tempted to cut it loose and let it drift out to sea.” – Stephen Colbert

“Matt Lauer interviewed Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back-to-back in front of a crowd of American veterans. The winner, the leader who came off strongest and best last night, was Vladimir Putin.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The one guy Donald Trump has nothing bad to say about is Vladimir Putin. Maybe he is afraid Putin will cut off his supply of wives.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump loves Vladimir Putin. After all is said and done, if he doesn’t become president, at the least, Donald Trump will have amazing sex with Vladimir Putin.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The forum was hosted by ‘Today Show’ host Matt Lauer and a lot of people were very angry with his performance last night. Not Apple-losing-the-headphone-jack angry, but they were angry.” – James Corden

“Much of the criticism stemmed from Lauer not pressing Trump when he lied or didn’t answer questions. My question is, how did Matt Lauer even end up with this job? Was there a conversation at NBC like, ‘You know who would be great for the presidential forum?’ And they were like, ‘Oh, the guy on ‘The Today Show’ who excitedly announces they’re now making pumpkin spice marshmallows.'” – James Corden

“Republican vice presidential nominee Mike Pence broke with his running mate yesterday, saying that unlike Donald Trump, he does not doubt that President Obama was born in Hawaii. Though interestingly, Pence refused to respond when asked if it was true that he was born in Lego Land.” – Seth Meyers