Political Irony

[Jokes from Oct. 3, 2016]

“We’re just four weeks away from Halloween: people pretending to be somebody else, going door-to-door for handouts, or as that’s also called, running for president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will face-off tomorrow night in the only vice presidential debate of the election. The vice presidential debate is brought to you by white out.” – Seth Meyers

“Tomorrow night is the vice-presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine. Experts expect a record number of people not to watch it.” – Conan O’Brien

“Are you guys excited for the VP debate tomorrow night? Yeah, no, you’re not. No you’re not. Nobody is.” – Seth Meyers

“Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Experts say LeBron’s endorsement will help Hillary Clinton win in Ohio and lose in Florida.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, LeBron James wrote an op-ed in which he endorsed Hillary Clinton. LeBron says he and Hillary are all about the same thing: taking forever to finally win something.” – Jimmy Fallon

“LeBron James endorsed Hillary Clinton over the weekend. Which Clinton says for her campaign is a real home run.” – Seth Meyers

“This weekend, a person or persons spray-painted graffiti all over Donald Trump’s new Washington, D.C., hotel. Police have narrowed their list of suspects down to ’50 percent of the country’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s charity, the Trump Foundation, is no longer allowed to accept donations in New York. This is really bad news for anyone who thought, ‘I’d like to make sure my money gets to the people who really need it; I know, I’ll funnel it through Donald Trump.'” – Conan O’Brien

“We’re going to start by talking about everybody’s favorite subject: taxes. Over the weekend, Donald Trump’s private tax documents were leaked to The New York Times, showing that in 1995 he posted a loss of $916 million dollars. The only people with a more embarrassing loss in 1995 were the prosecution team in the O.J. Simpson trial.” – James Corden

“The New York Times got its hands on a tax document from 1995, which shows Trump declared a $916 million loss that year which would have allowed him to avoid paying any income tax for 18 years. The documents were sent to the Times from inside Trump Tower. The Trump campaign said the Times illegally obtained the documents and we all know how much Donald Trump hates hacking. So that’s no good.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Over the weekend, three pages of Donald Trump’s 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he declared a $916 million loss from his three Atlantic City casinos. That’s right. Donald Trump lost money on casinos. You know what they say, ‘The house always loses.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Now, nobody knows where this leak has come from, but some are suggesting that the source of the leak was Trump’s ex-wife Marla Maples, who leaked the taxes as revenge. Even Beyoncé was like, ‘Now that is making lemonade.'” – James Corden

“The Trump campaign isn’t denying the authenticity of the forms which is remarkable, considering the fact that they deny almost everything. This morning they denied Trump is running for president.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But here’s the thing, as a real estate developer, he was able to use that loss to wipe out more than $50 million a year in taxable income over 18 years. Well, when life gives you lemons, don’t pay taxes.” – Stephen Colbert

“He lost a billion dollars. Right now, Gary Busey is like, ‘Hold up, wait — didn’t you fire me on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ for losing the Snapple challenge?'” – James Corden

“Supporters of Donald Trump are saying the fact that he lost a billion dollars and then didn’t pay income taxes for 18 years means he is a ‘genius’. They also say three marriages makes him a ‘feminist’, so it kind of works out.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yes, only a genius can lose $1 billion running a casino. How loose were his slots? Tell you what, I like you, I’m going to comp everyone’s room forever.” – Stephen Colbert

“The big story is Donald Trump might not have paid any income tax since Xena: Warrior Princess went on the air.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Now, the idea that Trump hasn’t paid taxes in nearly 20 years is bound to be unpopular with — what’s the word — people. But according to the former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Trump not paying taxes just proves how smart he is.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s not like Donald Trump does his own taxes. He’s not there doing the numbers. Shouldn’t we really be voting for his accountant? Jack Mitnick. Something about the ‘Mitt’ that sounds so presidential.” – Stephen Colbert

“These aren’t the only leaked documents Trump has to worry about. Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, is supposed to give a big announcement where he said he will release documents to hurt both nominees. People are calling it the ‘October Surprise’. I don’t like the name. I don’t. October Surprise is the most ominous title we can give this?” – James Corden

“October Surprise doesn’t sound sinister; it sounds like your aunt’s recipe for a squash casserole. I added a little nutmeg!” – James Corden

“Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and that information may drastically change people’s views of these candidates. Americans replied, ‘Wait, it’s going to make us like them?'” – James Corden

“Assange was originally going to make this announcement from the balcony of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, but has since rescheduled it. I can’t believe he rescheduled the October Surprise. You can’t reschedule October Surprise, Julian. That’s like me texting my wife saying, ‘Hey, honey, your surprise birthday party has been moved to Saturday.'” – James Corden

“In an interview this weekend, Joe Biden described his relationship with President Obama as an older brother-younger brother dynamic. The only down side is when Obama forgets to pick him up from soccer practice.” – Seth Meyers

“A new report has found that despite his recent string of gaffes, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson has four times as many newspaper endorsements as Donald Trump. So if you’ve got weed, he’s got papers.” – Seth Meyers

“On Friday, Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped in Germany by a police officer for riding a bicycle through a train station. Schwarzenegger may have gone unnoticed if he hadn’t been frantically ringing the bell and shouting, ‘Get out of the way if you want to live!'” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from Sept. 29, 2016]

“Hillary Clinton actually went to her granddaughter’s second birthday party instead of preparing for the first debate against Trump. I guess she figured being around a bunch of screaming toddlers might help her even more.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While speaking to students at the University of New Hampshire yesterday, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Isn’t this one of the strangest elections you’ve ever seen?’ And then college kids were like, ‘Uh, we’re 18. It’s the ONLY election we’ve ever seen.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton has vowed to crack down on hackers who launch cyberattacks. She said, ‘If anyone’s going to abuse U.S. government computers, it’s gonna be me.'” – Conan O’Brien

“America Online founder Steve Case endorsed Hillary Clinton for president today. Although the last thing Hillary wants to hear is ‘You’ve got mail’.” – Seth Meyers

“Secretary Clinton is still struggling with millennials. By the way, if you’re not sure who millennials are, they’re the ones who never use the term ‘millennials’.” – Stephen Colbert

“A recent poll shows Clinton has the support of just 31 percent of likely voters under 35. So Hillary’s doing everything she can to attract young people. That’s why, for the first time since July, she appeared on the campaign trail this week with that millennial heart-throb, Bernie Sanders.” – Stephen Colbert

“Bernie Sanders is also campaigning with Hillary. Yesterday, he asked a crowd at one of her rallies, ‘Is everybody here ready to transform America?’ Followed by his next question, ‘Does anybody here remember where I parked?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie! They really like him. He really connects with millennials, because a lot of his clothes are also 18 to 30 years old.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump spoke at a rally yesterday and told supporters that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is the most unserious campaign in American history. Unserious? This is the person you’re calling unserious? [shows photo of frowning Hillary] She always looks like you just told her you wrecked her car.” – Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, Donald Trump has a new scandal to deal with today. According to Newsweek, in 1998 he spent $68,000 on a business venture in Cuba. Which was illegal because of the embargo. Trump, of course, denied the allegations. He said there’s no such place as Cuba.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump is reportedly angry that his advisers are saying that he struggled during the first debate. Then his advisers were like, ‘Oh, so you CAN hear us.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A woman in Washington, D.C., received 13,000 text messages after C-SPAN accidentally put up her phone number during their post-debate analysis. Replied C-SPAN, ‘We have 13,000 viewers?'” – Seth Meyers

“We are still trying to figure out who won Monday’s presidential debate. Democrats say Hillary won, while Republicans are strong in their conviction that there are still two more debates.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday, Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson was giving a television interview and was unable to name a single foreign leader. Hmmm… sounds like SOMEONE wants to be Donald Trump’s secretary of state.” – Conan O’Brien

“In an interview yesterday, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson was unable to name any world leaders when asked who his favorite head of state was. Wow. This might have cost him the election.” – Seth Meyers

“Remember when Mitt Romney almost had to drop out of the race because he put his dog on the top of the car? They were simpler times.” – Jimmy Kimmel

From Jimmy Kimmel. Brilliant.

Here are just a few of them, but there are many others on YouTube.

[Jokes from Sept. 28, 2016]

“There are now about six more weeks left in the election. And we know that because this morning, Trump’s hair popped out and saw its shadow.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to Forbes magazine, Donald Trump’s wealth is down $800 million from last year. He’s only worth $3.7 billion now, and I’ll tell you something, Mexico is going to pay for it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But the good news is, while his net worth may be down, his self-worth is at an all-time high.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At the next debate, Donald Trump is threatening to talk about all of Bill Clinton’s affairs. Hillary’s not too worried, because the debate’s only 90 minutes.” – Conan O’Brien

“The second presidential debate is just 11 days away, and this one will have a town hall format. The first question will be, ‘Why’d you have to do this in OUR town?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The organizer of the presidential debates is allowing social media users to vote on debate questions. That’s why, as of today, the No. 1 question for the next presidential debate is ‘hey, u up?'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is still being mocked for promising in the debate to ‘cut taxes bigly’. Trump has apologized, and promised in the next debate he’ll ‘speak more goodly’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, Donald Trump told an audience that before Monday’s debate — this is a quote — ‘I pretended I was talking to my family.’ Then he admitted he frequently accuses his family of deleting emails and creating ISIS.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the first time, it looks like they’re torturing themselves.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s upcoming South by South Lawn festival at the White House will have a virtual reality psychological experiment that makes you feel like you’re in a small jail cell. Or as Obama calls it, ‘the Oval Office’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, a group of Democratic senators sent a letter to Yahoo asking why they took so long to report the hack of 500 million users. That’s how little faith they have in Yahoo email — they sent a LETTER.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton is campaigning with Bernie Sanders for the millennial vote. They’re trying to get millennials with the opening line, ‘Hey, our combined age is approximately one millennium.'” – Conan O’Brien

“SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced plans yesterday to colonize Mars, saying the main requirement for early settlers would be that they are, quote ‘ready to die.’ Said Hillary, ‘I’ll let you know November 9th.'” – Seth Meyers

“Yesterday was National Register to Vote Day. Singer Katy Perry got naked and told people to vote. The video got like 6 million views already. Hopefully it encouraged people to sign up. But here’s the thing: Anyone who needs Katy Perry to take her shirt off in order to register to vote should not be allowed to register to vote.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s our responsibility as Americans to register to vote, to go to our local polling places, and make a choice between two people nobody can believe are our only available options.” – Jimmy Kimmel