Political Irony

[Jokes from Sept. 28, 2016]

“There are now about six more weeks left in the election. And we know that because this morning, Trump’s hair popped out and saw its shadow.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to Forbes magazine, Donald Trump’s wealth is down $800 million from last year. He’s only worth $3.7 billion now, and I’ll tell you something, Mexico is going to pay for it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But the good news is, while his net worth may be down, his self-worth is at an all-time high.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At the next debate, Donald Trump is threatening to talk about all of Bill Clinton’s affairs. Hillary’s not too worried, because the debate’s only 90 minutes.” – Conan O’Brien

“The second presidential debate is just 11 days away, and this one will have a town hall format. The first question will be, ‘Why’d you have to do this in OUR town?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The organizer of the presidential debates is allowing social media users to vote on debate questions. That’s why, as of today, the No. 1 question for the next presidential debate is ‘hey, u up?'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is still being mocked for promising in the debate to ‘cut taxes bigly’. Trump has apologized, and promised in the next debate he’ll ‘speak more goodly’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, Donald Trump told an audience that before Monday’s debate — this is a quote — ‘I pretended I was talking to my family.’ Then he admitted he frequently accuses his family of deleting emails and creating ISIS.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the first time, it looks like they’re torturing themselves.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s upcoming South by South Lawn festival at the White House will have a virtual reality psychological experiment that makes you feel like you’re in a small jail cell. Or as Obama calls it, ‘the Oval Office’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, a group of Democratic senators sent a letter to Yahoo asking why they took so long to report the hack of 500 million users. That’s how little faith they have in Yahoo email — they sent a LETTER.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton is campaigning with Bernie Sanders for the millennial vote. They’re trying to get millennials with the opening line, ‘Hey, our combined age is approximately one millennium.'” – Conan O’Brien

“SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced plans yesterday to colonize Mars, saying the main requirement for early settlers would be that they are, quote ‘ready to die.’ Said Hillary, ‘I’ll let you know November 9th.'” – Seth Meyers

“Yesterday was National Register to Vote Day. Singer Katy Perry got naked and told people to vote. The video got like 6 million views already. Hopefully it encouraged people to sign up. But here’s the thing: Anyone who needs Katy Perry to take her shirt off in order to register to vote should not be allowed to register to vote.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s our responsibility as Americans to register to vote, to go to our local polling places, and make a choice between two people nobody can believe are our only available options.” – Jimmy Kimmel

[Jokes from Sept. 21, 2016]

“It was announced that you’ll be able to watch next week’s debate on Twitter. So, finally a way to see Trump say something really crazy on Twitter.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump falsely claimed that NBC News anchor Lester Holt is a Democrat, when he’s actually a registered Republican. In other words, Trump just alienated the one black guy who might have voted for him.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today, Donald Trump told an African-American audience, ‘Black churches are the conscience of our country.’ In response, the crowd said, ‘Yes, that’s why we’re not voting for you.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Tomorrow is the first day of fall. I am so excited to watch Donald Trump change colors.” – Seth Meyers

“I saw that on Monday Donald Trump met with the Egyptian president in New York City while he’s in town for the U.N. General assembly. Trump said he’s always felt connected to Egypt, mostly because Trump University was a huge pyramid scheme.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said at a campaign rally yesterday that he would put Syrian refugees in safe zones, and make Middle Eastern countries pay for them, adding, ‘There’s nothing like doing things with other people’s money.’ ‘You said it, baby,’ said Melania.” – Seth Meyers

“Fox News has forbidden Sean Hannity from appearing in any more campaign ads for Donald Trump. Fox said, ‘We want to appear neutral while covering the race between Mr. Trump and that Sickly Lying Witch.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Two days ago, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were tied in Florida, but today she is up by five points. Of course, there’s a margin of error… of Florida.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Barack Obama appeared before the U.N. General Assembly for the final time in his presidency to announce that the U.S. would be admitting 110,000 refugees in the coming year. Now the refugees will include people fleeing dangerous places like Syria, Libya, Florida…” – James Corden

“This might sound like a lot of people, 110,000 people are coming in, but you’ve got to remember millions will be fleeing if Trump is elected.” – James Corden

“Obama announced this today, the day after a tweet by the Trump campaign comparing refugees to poisoned Skittles. Obama was basically like, ‘It was going to be 100,000, but after your little Skittles tweet, it’s now 110,000.'” – James Corden

“President Obama’s half-brother, who lives in Kenya, told reporters this week that he will be voting for Donald Trump in the country’s mock U.S. election. Oh, that’s got to sting for Trump — an Obama wants to vote for him, but it’s the one with the Kenyan birth certificate.” – Seth Meyers

“House Speaker Paul Ryan was at the airport and didn’t recognize a three-year congresswoman from Massachusetts. And even asked her, ‘So what do you do?’ Ryan realized she was a congresswoman when she answered, ‘Nothing’.” – Jimmy Fallon