Political Irony

[Jokes from Oct. 11, 2016]

“Trump is still under fire for the lewd and offensive tape that was released last week which he referred to as ‘locker-room talk’. Well now pro athletes are speaking out against this, saying that’s not how they speak in the locker room. While Tim Tebow said, ‘I don’t even like to say ‘Billy Bush!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new national poll found that Democrats now have a significant lead over Republicans in the congressional races. Republicans said, ‘And there’s only one man to blame for this,’ and Donald Trump said, ‘Exactly: Billy Bush.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump lashed out at a number of Republicans on Twitter today, the ones who have been distancing themselves from him. He called Speaker of the House Paul Ryan a weak and ineffective leader. He called John McCain foul-mouthed. He also tweeted, ‘It so is nice the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.’ This is how he’s been behaving with shackles ON?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump tweeted earlier today, quote, ‘It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.’ What shackles are you talking about? The only thing that ever shackled you was the 140-character limit on Twitter.” – Seth Meyers

“A number of cable news outlets called it a tweet storm. During this terrible tweet storm I think we should take a moment to acknowledge Donald Trump’s thumbs because those chubby little baby carrots have been working so very hard lately, they’re worn down to the nubs and I applaud them for doing so much work.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And NOW you’re going to fight for America? Hey buddy, you’re not Rosa Parks. You know how I know? People LIKED what Rosa Parks said on the bus. Huge difference.” – Seth Meyers

“The Cleveland Indians yesterday completed their sweep of the Boston Red Sox and will move on in the ALCS. ‘I hate the Indians,’ said Donald Trump, who wasn’t talking about baseball.” – Seth Meyers

“Happy 41st wedding anniversary to Bill and Hillary Clinton! Yep, they celebrated with a quiet dinner. A really, REALLY quiet dinner. ‘Did you say something?’ ‘No.’ ‘Good.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton campaigned in Florida today with Al Gore. You’re making Al Gore go back to Florida? That’s so cruel. That’s like making Joe Frazier go back to Manila.” – Seth Meyers

“In a new MTV documentary with Macklemore, Obama says that when he was a teen he drank and did drugs, adding, ‘I pretty much tried whatever was out there.’ When asked what made him stop, Obama said, ‘Stop?'” – Jimmy Fallon

Did you recognize Tom Hanks playing Chris Wallace? Hanks did almost as good a job as Wallace did.

I know you may be tired of hearing about the debates (let alone the third one) but this was actually pretty funny.

UPDATE:

© Jeff Stahler

It started innocently enough with a single tweet. A St. Louis mayoral candidate tweeted that Donald Trump was so unprepared for the debate that he sounded like a book report written by someone who hadn’t read the book.

And then suddenly, the hashtag #TrumpBookReport was trending on Twitter. A few examples:

“Juliet. Such a nasty woman. She made Romeo kill himself. And believe me he could have done better. Look at her.”

There was much ado, believe me. So much ado. Many people are saying how much ado there was. And about what? Nothing!

Hamlet was weak, so weak. He couldn’t make up his mind. I can, believe me. I’ve made up my mind very much better than him.

Lady Macbeth. Nasty woman. Blood coming out of her wherever.

No, I don’t think Sophie should have had a choice. Nasty woman.

Those poor heights. They were wuthering. Wuthering so bad. Bigly wuthering. I’ll make them great again.

Nowhere does it say that anything actually happened between Lolita and Humbert, it was just boy talk.

Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins, in 10 years I’ll be dating you.

“I tell you: if I had written this book, there’d’ve been way more than two cities. I’d’ve had four, five cities at least.”

The bridges, nobody builds a bridge like me. I’ll build one and make Madison County pay for it

Mein Kampf. Tough on immigration. Tough on bankers. Tough on enemies. Make Germany Great Again. Great leader. My hero!

“Last. He was last. So sad. He was last, Okay? A disaster. If I was a Mohican I would have come in first. Believe me.”

Red Badge of Courage, I always wanted one of those. I’ll just take one from a veteran, it’s much easier.

NOBODY, I mean NOBODY, has more pride than me. And NOBODY has more prejudice. I have so much pride. And so much prejudice.

Look, I don’t know Voldemort. He said nice things about me. If we got along with the Death Eaters, wouldn’t be so bad.

Les Miserables, of course they are miserable, the inner city is a mess folks, believe me. People stealing bread everywhere.

“Pinocchio? He’s no puppet. No puppet. You’re the puppet.”

Daisy was a 6, okay? Just a very nasty woman. Gatsby is a good friend of mine. Sad!

It was the worst of times and the worst of times, OK? The worst. A disaster.

“When District 12 sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending Katniss Everdeen. What a nasty woman.”

This Dorian Gray guy. Nice guy, terrible portrait. Not like mine. Mine is bigly. Yuge.

Dracula — tremendous guy. Wanted a woman. Bit a woman. Didn’t have to “ask for permission.” What man does that?

“This New Testament is for losers. Jesus was crucified. I like saviors who weren’t crucified, okay? Like myself.”

Funny or Die

Terry Tate, office linebacker comes out of retirement just in time to save us. This is hilarious.

If you have never seen the “office linebacker” commercials, click here so you will get the joke. It’s worth it.

[Jokes from Oct. 4, 2016]

“Tonight is the debate between vice-presidential candidates Tim Kaine and Mike Pence. They’re going to debate the economy, foreign policy, and which one of them is Tim Kaine and which one is Mike Pence.” – Conan O’Brien

“The first and only vice-presidential debate of this election season was held tonight, and it was pretty much the same as the debate I had with my wife about painting the foyer. ‘Do we want eggshell or ivory?'” – Seth Meyers

“The New York Times revealed today that Tim Kaine travels with six harmonicas in his briefcase. He carries so many because they’re constantly getting slapped out of his hands.” – Seth Meyers

“It’s come out that Donald Trump once rented an office to an Iranian bank that was later accused of terrorism. Today, Trump said, ‘How was I supposed to know that something wasn’t right with Jihadi Joe’s Savings and Loan?'” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s tax returns were leaked by one of Trump’s ex-wives. In other words, it could be anybody.” – Conan O’Brien

“Eric Trump today defended his father’s recent 3 a.m. Twitter rant about former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, telling reporters, ‘At least my father is up at 3 o’clock in the morning.’ Why do you think that’s a good thing? You know who’s up that early? People who are wondering where they went wrong with their son.” – Seth Meyers

“During the final push of the election, Bill Clinton criticized Obamacare in a speech and said it’s ‘the craziest thing in the world’. It’s all part of Bill’s nationwide ‘Not Helping’ tour.” – Conan O’Brien