Political Irony

[Jokes from Oct. 25, 2016]

“Donald Trump’s campaign has to be getting a little worried because of some of the new poll numbers. Even Trump himself actually admitted that he’s somewhat behind in the polls but not by much. But remember, this is a guy that thinks a million dollars from your dad is just a small loan.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Analysts are speculating that communication between Donald Trump and his campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, has become practically nonexistent. They say if she spoke to Trump any less, they’d be married.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, appeared on Trump’s new Facebook Live show and said Trump ‘unequivocally’ will win the election. So, look out, CNN! There’s a NEW often-wrong news channel in town!” – Seth Meyers

“It’s come out that Donald Trump has spent a large portion of his campaign donations buying copies of his own book, ‘The Art of the Deal.’ Trump supporters are angry that he misused their money, and even angrier that he bought a book.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, The New York Times published a giant list of everyone and everything Trump has insulted on Twitter since declaring his candidacy. Then they had to print a correction today after Donald Trump insulted the list itself.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump today criticized some of his Republican primary opponents for refusing to endorse him, saying, quote, ‘I don’t know how they live with themselves.’ Said his opponents, ‘We don’t. We live with our wives.'” – Seth Meyers

“A political science professor at SUNY Stony Brook claims he has developed a new mathematical model that predicts Donald Trump will win the election. Said Trump, ‘Mathematical model? She sounds ugly. Hard pass.'” – Seth Meyers

“A new report in Indiana has found that thousands of dead people are still registered to vote. Which explains why today, Donald Trump held four rallies and three séances.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, threw a baseball to reporters today with a note saying that he’s rooting for the Cubs. And then the reporters turned the ball over and the other side said, ‘Help!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The government just announced that next year [Obamacare] premiums are going up by 25 percent. I haven’t seen Obama hike something so high since he stopped wearing mom jeans.” – Stephen Colbert

“And the next president clearly will have to come in and clean up this mess. Unless it’s Trump, in which case, all healthcare will be replaced by a ‘Dr. Oz’ episode about calf implants.” – Stephen Colbert

“WikiLeaks has been releasing emails from the Clinton campaign, because they’re committed to transparency — or however you say ‘transparency’ in Russian. Transparenchnik.” – Stephen Colbert

[Jokes from Oct. 24, 2016]

“On Friday, a massive cyber-attack brought down several websites for 11 hours, including Twitter. Experts say it was the best thing to happen to Donald Trump’s campaign in weeks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Friday, a cyber-attack shut down Amazon, CNN, and Twitter. Apparently, the cyber-terrorists shut down Amazon first, then Amazon suggested they may also like CNN and Twitter.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump has received his first and only endorsement from a major newspaper — the Las Vegas Review-Journal said that Trump does not represent the danger his critics claim. Which is not exactly a ringing endorsement. That’s like a restaurant review that says this place probably won’t even give you food poisoning.” – James Corden

“Over the weekend in Gettysburg, Donald Trump told a crowd that as soon as the election ends he will sue the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. It’s being called ‘the second greatest Gettysburg Address in history.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Speaking of Donald Trump, his son Eric was out on the campaign trail, and a lot of people online noticed that Eric was photographed at an In-N-Out Burger holding a free water cup that was filled with lemonade. While the employee who gave it to him said, ‘That wasn’t lemonade.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During a campaign event at a Florida pumpkin patch, Donald Trump met with pumpkin farmers. There was an awkward moment when one of the pumpkin farmers tried to carve Trump’s head.” – Conan O’Brien

“I want to say congratulations to the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians, who are set to play each other in the World Series! Or as voters put it, ‘Finally – a crazy match-up we can actually ENJOY!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted this weekend that Donald Trump is trailing Hillary Clinton. Said Conway, ‘No, literally, he’s trailing her.'” – Seth Meyers

“Many news outlets are saying Donald Trump will almost certainly pivot to media and launch his own TV network after the election. Which means as early as next year we could see Trump TV filing for bankruptcy.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump said at a rally this weekend that Hillary Clinton was exhausted and weak after the debates. Yeah, probably because you kept sniffing all the oxygen out of the room.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary’s voters are now more excited to vote for Hillary than Trump voters are to vote for Trump. Which is crazy because getting excited about Hillary is like getting excited about taking your car in for an oil change. It’s not fun, but the alternative is your car bursting into flames.” – James Corden

“I can’t imagine why people are less excited about voting for Trump, but I guess it could have something to do with insulting women, insulting minorities, bragging about sexual assault, making fun of disabled people, making fun of military veterans, making fun of NFL players who get concussions, antagonizing fellow Republican, not releasing his taxes, not having any real political platform, banning journalists, re-tweeting white supremacists, and having hair that looks like a poorly constructed scarecrow. Other than that, I’ve no idea where he lost people.” –James Corden

“President Obama last week said that this year’s election is like Dante’s ‘Inferno’. Well that’s fine, as long as it doesn’t turn into a disco inferno.” –Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Oct. 20, 2016]

“Last night from Las Vegas, ‘Trump vs. Clinton 3’ — and just like that, we’re one step closer to never having to watch cable news again. It was the third most watched debate in history. More than 71 million people watched/screamed at their TV.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump needed a strong performance in the debate. His poll numbers have been dropping, and after last night, his only hope is that Michael J. Fox shows up in a time machine.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The big story of the debate was Donald Trump saying he might not accept the results of the election. Honestly, I didn’t know you could do that. I didn’t know you could just not accept things. If that’s the case, I’ve decided not to accept the results of my last acting audition.” – James Corden

“Last night, Trump said he was going to keep us in suspense. But today he said he ‘will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election — if I win!’ So in other words, no. No, right?” – James Corden

“At one point, Hillary Clinton even brought up how Trump said the Emmys were rigged because ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ never won one. Which means the Emmy Award is the only woman who Trump hasn’t grabbed.” – James Corden

“Now, probably the weirdest thing Trump said during the evening was when he was talking about immigration, saying we have some ‘bad hombres’ here. Bad hombres? First Melania Trump steals lines from Michelle Obama, now Trump is stealing lines from Clint Eastwood.” – James Corden

“‘Bad hombres’ doesn’t sound like drug dealers. ‘Bad hombres’ sounds like what TGI Friday’s would call their Tex-Mex appetizer platter.” – James Corden

“‘Bad hombres’ sounds like the Spanish-language version of ‘Grumpy Old Men’. ‘Bad hombres’ sounds like a gift shop in the Old West part of Disneyland.” – James Corden

“‘Bad hombres’ sounds like a tequila that you buy by the gallon for $4. ‘Bad hombres’ sounds like the theme song to the Mexican version of ‘Cops’.” – James Corden

“Clinton and Trump are at a dinner together, the Al Smith Dinner, a charity event thrown annually by the Catholic Archdiocese of New York. It has become a tradition for the candidates to show up and tell jokes, like a roast. Tonight Hillary and Donald are one seat apart with Cardinal Timothy Dolan sitting between them, like an unhappy couple hoping to get their marriage annulled.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump is not a self-deprecating guy. A lot of people believe the reason he got into politics is because President Obama roasted him at the White House Correspondents Dinner. If the cardinal starts making fun of him, he might try to run for Pope.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“So, how did we get to the point where the fate of the American experiment rests in Donald Trump’s tiny, whining, loser hands?” – Stephen Colbert

“Of course, Hillary also had her moments. Here’s what she said about her tax plans: ‘We are going to go where the money is.’ And she knows where the money is. It’s where she gives her speeches.” – Stephen Colbert

[Jokes from Oct. 18, 2016. It is a little weird reading jokes from before the world exploded, but I’m going to post them anyway. If you don’t like that, skip them.]

“Every four years Scholastic News Magazine sponsors a mock election where kids from all over the country cast a vote for president. The results have been correct in every election since 1964 and this year Hillary Clinton won in a landslide; she beat Trump 52%-35%. The other 13% voted for SpongeBob.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course Trump took to Twitter to express his frustration. ‘Children are fat and disgusting.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s been 11 days since we heard Donald Trump on the Grope-Town Express, and a lot of people have distanced themselves from Donald Trump — at least one arm’s length.” – Stephen Colbert

“Last night, Melania explained who she really blames for Donald Trump’s behavior. Yes, it was all Billy Bush’s fault. Now I know why they were on a bus — it’s easier to throw Billy underneath it.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday Trump’s devoted wife Melania gave an interview to Anderson Cooper where she defended Donald, saying that Billy Bush basically manipulated her husband into saying those things. Because if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, he usually does exactly what people tell him to do.” – James Corden

“Melania was standing by her husband. Well, actually she stands behind him. Otherwise he’ll try to grab her you-know-where.” – James Corden

“Responding to accusations of harassment, Melania said that she’s seen many women try to slip Trump their phone numbers. Much like how Melania tried slipping Anderson Cooper a piece of paper that said ‘Please rescue me, my life is a prison.'” – James Corden

“Spending at Trump-brand properties is said to be down more than 16% from last year. New reports say travelers have been canceling vacations at Trump resorts and avoiding restaurants on Trump properties. Good news, sales of red baseball caps are through the roof.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This week, Ringling Brothers Circus is launching a new campaign titled ‘The circus wants the circus back,’ because they’re tired of people referring to the election as a ‘circus’, saying it casts a negative light on their profession. You know the election is bad when the bearded lady and lizard-man are like, ‘I can’t be associated with this freak show.'” – James Corden

“Every day, we get another revelation about Clinton from WikiLeaks. Any more, and we’re going to need WikiDepends.” – Stephen Colbert

“The latest is a list of the vice presidents Hillary Clinton was considering. It includes political superstars like Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, and Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack. Also in this WikiLeaks-released list are business leaders like Apple CEO Tim Cook and Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. Apparently, Hillary decided against Schultz because the race already had one pumpkin-spiced candidate.” – Stephen Colbert

[Jokes from Oct. 14-17, 2016]

“Donald Trump is telling his supporters the voter turnout will be manipulated by the Democrats on November 8th. Then again, this is coming from the guy who said, ‘Make sure you get out and vote November 28th.'” – James Corden

“Donald Trump tweeted that the ‘election is absolutely rigged by the dishonest and distorted media pushing Crooked Hillary — but also at many polling places. Sad!’ Yes, even at polling places, the election is being rigged against Trump. I heard that on Nov. 8th, millions of ‘riggers’ will be behind curtains in private booths, and with a secret ballot, collude to defeat Trump.” – Stephen Colbert

“Trump has tweeted multiple times about the media rigging the election, and he’s right. From day one, the media rigged this election — in favor of Donald Trump. You can’t turn on the TV without seeing Trump. He’s like the Geico gecko, but more cartoonish.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump, you really have to hand it to him, I don’t think I’ve been this interested in a show since the first season of ‘Lost’. Every week, a completely new twist. We’ve gone from Mexicans to Muslims, little hands to Lyin’ Ted, Megyn Kelly to Melania’s speech, Crooked Hillary’s health to Billy Bush’s bus. Now he’s saying the election is rigged, even though it hasn’t happened yet.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The election continues to be insane. Ever since the tape of the Billy Bush Locker Bus came out, Trump has been fending off attacks like a woman meeting Donald Trump.” – Stephen Colbert

“As you know, Trump is being accused of sexual misconduct by a slew of women. Of course, that is a case of ‘he said’ and ‘she said, she said, she said, she said, she said’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The final debate will take place next week in Las Vegas. So, Trump insisted that everything that happens there stays there.” – Jimmy Fallon

“No matter what happens on November 8th, or the 28th, or whenever the election is happening, Trump apparently has a contingency plan — because now it seems Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is in talks to create a Trump media network. Could you imagine Trump being on your TV 24 hours a day? That would be like — well, it would be like right now.” – James Corden

“It means Billy Bush is going to be back on TV in no time.” – James Corden

“This will probably be a news network. Trump News: It’s for people who love the news but feel like it’s not being yelled at them loud enough.” – James Corden

“Trump said that he wants to ‘give back to the country’ he loves. Then people were like, ‘There’s always that OTHER way to give back to your country — Pay your taxes!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Saturday, Trump said that Hillary might be using drugs to help her performance in the debates. Remember what she said about her debate strategy: ‘When they go low, we get high.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager said that based on early voting, they expect this election to have the largest voter turnout in American history. That’s right, more people than ever will go to the polls for their chance to say, ‘Ugh, I guess…'” – Jimmy Fallon