Political Irony

[Jokes from Nov. 1, 2016]

“Donald Trump still hasn’t released his tax returns. Twelve women have accused him of sexual assault, and he’s going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media is talking about is emails. It’s like if during the O.J. trial, everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration.” – Seth Meyers

“The polls are tightening. The latest ABC News/ Washington Post poll has Donald Trump moving ahead of Hillary Clinton by one point as enthusiasm declines. Though, to be fair, any time Trump gets close to a woman, enthusiasm tends to decline.” – Stephen Colbert

“A memo from a veteran spy says that Vladimir Putin has been supporting Donald Trump for five years. After hearing this, Trump said, ‘Oh my God, I forgot it was our anniversary! What do you get for five years? I hope it’s not CHINA?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The election is just one week from today. So I guess in one week, we’ll know if Donald Trump is our next president — or if Hillary Clinton rigged the election.” – Jimmy Fallon

“For the first time in their 111-year history, Variety has endorsed a presidential candidate — Hillary Clinton. That’s right, the magazine named Variety said, ‘Let’s have a second President Clinton!'” – Stephen Colbert

“The 2016 presidential election is in exactly one week! One weak Republican, and one weak Democrat.” – Seth Meyers

“Mark one’s calendar because Election Day is but one week away. Seven days. Enough time to tell your family you love them and make your peace with God. As the captain of the ‘Titanic’ once said, ‘This is not a drill.'” – Stephen Colbert

“That’s right, there’s exactly one week until Election Day, and this is probably a bad sign, but that’s where the calendar just stops.” – Seth Meyers

“Ted Cruz posted a photo on Twitter last night of himself dressed as the Phantom of the Opera for Halloween. Said trick-or-treaters, ‘Aggh! We can still see half your face!'” – Seth Meyers

“While hosting their final White House Halloween party yesterday, first lady Michelle Obama actually told the kids, ‘Hey! Candy for everybody!’ Then Barack looked around and was like, ‘OK, who’s that in the Michelle Obama costume?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Democratic contributor Donna Brazile has resigned from CNN after WikiLeaks revealed she leaked a primary debate question to the Clinton campaign. Turns out the question was about lead poisoning in Flint, Michigan. So, finally, someone lost their job over Flint.” – Stephen Colbert

[Jokes from Oct. 31, 2016]

“After claiming the election is rigged, Donald Trump said at a rally last week that the country should, quote, ‘Just cancel the election and give it to Trump.’ And then on Friday, FBI director James Comey said, ‘OK.'” – Seth Meyers

“On Friday, FBI Director James Comey sent a letter to Republican lawmakers saying he has found new emails that may be involved in the Hillary Clinton email scandal and that the FBI plans to investigate. Donald Trump has been caught on tape admitting he gropes women and yet the election has turned back to emails.” – James Corden

“The emails the FBI are investigating actually came from the computer of Anthony Weiner. Anthony Weiner is, of course, the politician who was disgraced for sending naked pictures to, well, just about everyone. Of course a Weiner was going to get in the way of the first female president in the White House.” – James Corden

“These Hillary email scandals brought Anthony Weiner back into the news. Here’s a question nobody is asking. Anthony Weiner is Jewish, right? Right? So, does this scandal make him a Hebrew National Weiner?” – Jimmy Fallon

“The FBI found the emails while investigating illicit messages sent to an underage girl by Clinton aide Huma Abedin’s estranged husband and es-strange guy Anthony Weiner. Apparently, they found them while searching his laptop. Dear God, I hope they used gloves.” – Stephen Colbert

“It makes sense on the weekend of Halloween that Donald Trump’s campaign comes back from the dead for one final scare.” – James Corden

“Today was Halloween and right on cue, Hillary’s private email server came back from the dead.” – Seth Meyers

“This October surprise comes right as Secretary Clinton was riding high in the polls in the wake of sexual assault accusations against Donald Trump. Truly, for the Clinton campaign, horny men giveth, and horny men taketh away.” – Stephen Colbert

“On Sunday night, Trump supporters started using the hashtag ‘Hillary for Prison,’ but they were adding an extra ‘I’ so it read hashtag ‘Hillary for Prision.’ They thought that the correct spelling was being blocked by Twitter.” – James Corden

“The thing is, nobody who wants Hillary to go to jail can even describe to you why she should have to go there. They’re like, ‘because, you know, there was the email thing and — hashtag prision, man.’ Which makes me think that these people are ‘mor-ions.'” – James Corden

“Donald Trump told supporters last night that Hillary Clinton wants to bring 650 million immigrants into the United States within one week of taking office. Whereas if he wins, Canada gets 150 million immigrants.” – Seth Meyers

“A Trump supporter was arrested in Iowa last week for in-person voter fraud after she attempted to vote twice. She said the first vote was to make America great. And the second one was to make America great again.” – Seth Meyers

“There are just eight days left until the election. So if anyone’s still thinking of running, now’s the time.” – Seth Meyers

“According to a survey of over 40,000 Americans, candy corn was the most popular Halloween candy state by state. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups got the most votes overall. So basically, Reese’s got the popular vote and candy corn won the Electoral College.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“NASA’s early-warning asteroid intruder alert system spotted an asteroid as it passed by Earth last night, and I think I speak for all of us when I say, ‘Come back, asteroid!'” – Seth Meyers

Twitter user Josh Billinson has been tweeting (short) jokes he has been making up involving Joe Biden playing pranks on Donald Trump. Here are two examples:

Biden: “I left a Kenyan passport in your desk, just to fuck with him”
Obama: “Joe”
Biden: “Oh and a prayer rug in your bedroom. He’s gonna lose it!”
Obama: “Dammit Joe”

Obama: Did you replace all the toiletries with travel size bottles?
Biden: He’s got tiny hands Barack, I want him to feel welcome here

There are plenty more. They may be a bit silly, but we sure need something to laugh about.

[Jokes from Oct. 26, 2016]

“Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 years old today — while Donald Trump said, ‘The media is reporting that today is Hillary’s birthday, but a lot of people are telling me that it’s actually MY birthday. Rigged!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is a special day, today is Hillary Clinton’s birthday. You could email her a birthday card, or just send it straight to WikiLeaks.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary’s birthday party is just like any other birthday party except when people yell ‘speech, speech,’ she charges them $250,000.” – James Corden

“Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 today. She made a wish, and then deleted the candles.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary’s press secretary posted a photo on Twitter of the staff surprising Hillary with a cake for her birthday. It was really fun — you could hardly tell that Hillary had spent two hours practicing her ‘surprised’ face.” – Jimmy Fallon

“We would be remiss if we didn’t start off by wishing Hillary Clinton a happy birthday. It must be tough being a close friend of Hillary. I mean, no matter what you get Hillary Clinton for her birthday, it will never be as good as the gift Billy Bush gave her.” – James Corden

“Bill Clinton is trying to figure out what his official title would be if his wife becomes president. Hillary has said that she likes the term first gentleman. She hasn’t been able to say it without laughing but she likes the term.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bill has suggested first volunteer, first dude, and first laddie. If I had a vote I would go with the first lady’s man.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary went to a fundraiser here in New York City that was attended by Stevie Wonder. And even Stevie was like, ‘Let me guess — loud pantsuit?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview, Newt Gingrich accused Megyn Kelly of being more interested in sex than public policy. Then Kelly explained that everyone is more interested in sex than public policy.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, former Speaker Newt Gingrich was asked by Megyn Kelly if Trump is a sexual predator. Gingrich accused Kelly of being more fascinated with sex than public policy. First off, everybody is more fascinated with sex than public policy. If you’re not, there’s a pill for that now.” – Stephen Colbert

“Trump supporter Newt Gingrich last night accused Fox News’ Megyn Kelly of being ‘fascinated with sex’ by continuing to report on women accusing Donald Trump of inappropriate behavior. Newt, there’s a difference between being ‘fascinated by sex’ and being ‘horrified by sexual assault’. It’s kind of like Beyoncé and Rihanna — everyone knows the difference except old white men.” – Seth Meyers

“But the thing is, Megyn ‘Kelly File’ isn’t talking about fun-time, bedroom whoopee-making. She’s talking about assault. Wait, unless Newt doesn’t know the difference? Maybe no one gave him the talk. Hold on, let’s do this: ‘Newt, sweetheart, you’re growing up so fast. In fact, you’re 73. Your body’s changing.'” – Stephen Colbert

“New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is denying reports that he yelled out ‘Trump!’ to signal an audible during Sunday’s game. Manning said actually ‘Trump’ is a signal for ‘Illegal Use of Hands.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump was on the Herman Cain radio show yesterday criticizing, of all things, wind. He said he’s against wind turbines because they’re killing eagles and thousands of other birds. Like Bob Seger, he’s against the wind.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I happen to know why Donald Trump is against wind power and I’ll tell you, it’s not because it kills birds. Donald Trump is against wind because of what it does to his hair.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We are 13 days from the election, and it is a hard time for those on board the Trump train because somehow, it hit an iceberg and is sinking.” – Stephen Colbert

“In an interview last night with MSNBC, Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence accidentally referred to Trump as his opponent. Which is ridiculous — everyone knows Trump is his own opponent.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump’s surrogates are doing just what the passengers on the ‘Titanic’ did — remaining calm on the ship and talking about how great it is.” – Stephen Colbert