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Late Night Political Humor

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

[Jokes from Nov. 30, 2016]

“Trump and Mitt Romney were spotted having dinner here New York last night, and everyone’s talking about Romney’s expression. It got even worse when the spaghetti came and Trump said, ‘Ever see ‘Lady and the Tramp’?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“At their dinner together, President-elect Donald Trump and Mitt Romney dined on sautéed frogs legs. I don’t know about you, but eating frogs legs with Donald Trump sounds like someone lost a bet.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday Donald Trump sat down to dinner with Mitt Romney at Jean-Georges French restaurant in the Trump International Hotel, because nothing says ‘man of the people’ like eating an $800 dinner in a tower you named after yourself.” – James Corden

“Last night, Donald Trump and Mitt Romney had dinner together at an expensive restaurant in New York City called Jean-Georges. The two billionaires dined on fancy French cuisine and then talked about how out of touch Washington is.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump and Romney last night were dining at a four-star French restaurant called Jean-Georges. Sounds fancy, but Jean-Georges could be French for ‘Waffle House’.” – Stephen Colbert

“If you are wondering what was on the dinner menu, Romney started by eating his words. Then for the main course he swallowed his pride, dignity, and self-esteem.” – James Corden

“And they were joined by Reince Priebus, who is Trump’s chief of staff and not, as you may think, an item on the menu. ‘Would you care to start with some priebus? It has been lightly reince’d.'” – Stephen Colbert

“The billionaire of the people ordered young garlic soup with thyme and sautéed frogs legs. I thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not eat its contents.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday, Donald Trump had his third top secret intelligence briefing. If you’d like to know the details, just check Trump’s Twitter feed.” – Conan O’Brien

“This week, Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said, ‘Don’t I get credit for anything?'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Obamas just had the White House decorated for their final Christmas before they leave. They want to make it look nice for Santa, since he’s not coming back for at least four years.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Exceptional Interference?

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Why is it so difficult for some people to believe that the Russians deliberately influenced the outcome of the US presidential election?

First of all, they have the technology to do it, they have done it in other countries, and they would have every incentive to do it. Whether it is just trying to lessen American power in the world or elect someone who would favor them, of course they would do everything they could to throw a US election.

Even more ironic is the fact that the US has been meddling in the elections of other countries for a long time. That includes orchestrating coups, and even assassinating elected leaders we don’t like. The list is long:

  • We ousted the democratically elected leader of Iran in 1953 and installed a dictator, the Shah of Iran. We did this to control their oil.
  • We toppled and assassinated Congolese leader Patrice Lumumba in 1961.
  • We removed Chilean President Salvador Allende in a CIA-sponsored military coup led by Augusto Pinochet. This led to years of years of torture, disappearances and targeted assassinations.
  • In 1954, we unseated the president of Guatemala and replaced him with a series of dictators in order to benefit a US corporation, the United Fruit company.
  • Speaking of Iran, remember Reagan’s Iran-Contra affair, where we funded Nicaraguan rebels (the Contras) in an illegal attempt to topple their elected government?

An scarily familiar example is what we did in Italy:

In 1948, the United States propped up Italy’s centrist Christian Democrats and helped ensure their electoral victory against a leftist coalition, anchored by one of the most powerful communist parties in Europe. CIA operatives gave millions of dollars to their Italian allies and helped orchestrate what was then an unprecedented, clandestine propaganda campaign: This included forging documents to besmirch communist leaders via fabricated sex scandals, starting a mass letter-writing campaign from Italian Americans to their compatriots, and spreading hysteria about a Russian takeover and the undermining of the Catholic Church.

“We had bags of money that we delivered to selected politicians, to defray their political expenses, their campaign expenses, for posters, for pamphlets,” recounted F. Mark Wyatt, the CIA officer who handled the mission and later participated in more than 2½ decades of direct support to the Christian Democrats.

We’ve done similar things in Japan, the Philippines, and Lebanon. More recently, we have meddled in the elections of Haiti, Honduras, Venezuela, and the Ukraine.

In the Ukraine, we were directly opposing Russian interests. Why wouldn’t Putin retaliate? Especially against Clinton, who as Secretary of State was one of the people meddling in their affairs.

And we have plenty of evidence that a single event could have been what threw the election to Trump.

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Sheeple?

Monday, December 12, 2016

At Donald Trump’s rally in Michigan last Friday, the crowd started chanting “Lock her up”:

The chant “lock her up” became a common occurrence at Trump’s rallies while he was running for president. During the presidential campaign, Trump pledged to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Clinton for her use of a private email server while she was secretary of state. Despite the fact that FBI director James Comey recommended over the summer against criminal charges for Clinton for the server use, Trump told Clinton during a debate that if he were president, “you’d be in jail.”

But what happened next was interesting. Trump responded to the crowd, “That plays great before the election — now we don’t care, right?”

Will Trump’s followers realize that it was them who were being played? Will they really just forget everything Trump said about Clinton?

Will they also forget that Trump promised them he would change the government to end the “business as usual” of Washington insiders, but instead he has already completely flip-flopped on that with his appointees? In particular, one of his appointees, David Petraeus, pleaded guilty to exactly the same charges for which Trump wanted to send Clinton to jail.

Not only that, but Trump said he would self fund his campaign so he would not be beholden to his donors, but didn’t, and is now giving high-ranking positions in his administration to his biggest donors?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that Trump is not going to appoint a special prosecutor to go after Clinton. I’m also glad that we will almost certainly not build a wall between the US and Mexico. Or that he won’t deport millions of immigrants, or block all Muslims from entering the US.

I’m just curious how his most fervent supporters will react.

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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, December 12, 2016

[Jokes from Nov. 28, 2016]

“Trump went on Twitter yesterday to claim that he actually won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of illegal voters and that any recount will change nothing. Speaking of nothing changing, Trump won and still says the election was rigged.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, Donald Trump tweeted that millions of people voted illegally on Election Day. Then someone told Trump it’s not illegal for women to vote.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Secret Service protecting Donald Trump might have to rent two floors of Trump Tower, forcing taxpayers to pay $3 million in rent back to Trump’s company. Trump said that is absolutely not true and the rent is $4 million.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is giving key positions in his cabinet to people who were loyal to him early on. So congratulations, Defense Secretary Scott Baio!” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump was seen wearing a hat that says ’45’ on the side, signifying that he will be the 45th president. Or the total number of days before he quits being president. He’s like, ‘It’s been fun — it’s been a fun month and a half. You take it from here, Pence.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Today is Cyber Monday, which means tomorrow is ‘Russia has your credit card info Tuesday.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said he will not try and send Hillary Clinton to jail. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘Hey, you promised.'” – Conan O’Brien

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Sinking Feeling

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Yes, Donald Trump really did appoint a climate change denier to head up the EPA.

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Subversive Political Art

Saturday, December 10, 2016

An interesting article about the Time magazine cover naming Donald Trump the “Person of the Year”.

The article concludes “As a photograph, it’s a rare achievement. As a cover, it’s a statement.”

As someone who has studied art, I must say I think they are spot-on. If you are at all interested in how photographs work (especially as propaganda, both pro and con) I recommend you read the whole (short) article. After all, this is the closest thing I’ve seen to good news in a few days.

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Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, December 10, 2016

[Jokes from Nov. 22, 2016]

“Right now, the focus is on who Trump will appoint to his cabinet. In fact, C-SPAN aired a live feed of the elevators at Trump Tower that captured potential cabinet members going up to meet him. It even caught the moment when Ted Cruz was approaching the elevator and everyone inside frantically hit the ‘door close’ button.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said this afternoon that he was ‘surprised’ one of his top picks for secretary of defense is not in favor of waterboarding. Man, you think you know somebody. And then they turn out to be a decent human being.” – Seth Meyers

“According to reports, incoming White House chief of staff Reince Priebus tried to get Donald Trump to cancel today’s meeting with The New York Times because Trump could face questions he wasn’t prepared to answer. It’s the same reason he canceled yesterday’s meeting with Highlights Magazine.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, was being interviewed yesterday and said she’s ‘very confident’ that Trump isn’t breaking any laws during his transition. Then Americans were like, ‘Uh … we weren’t even suspicious until you said that.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, the stock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there’s one thing we’ve learned over the past decade it’s that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well.” – James Corden

“The Dow Jones industrial average topped 19,000 today for the first time. When they heard that, Americans everywhere nodded in approval as if they actually know what the Dow Jones industrial average is.” – James Corden

“A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over a $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, ‘Thank God I’m not a taxpayer!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“When asked this afternoon if he reads The New York Times, Donald Trump told reporters, quote, ‘I do read it. Unfortunately. I’d live about 20 years longer if I didn’t.’ ‘Got your paper, sir!’ said Mike Pence.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama today awarded 21 people with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Said Obama, ‘You’re free! Quick, go before he sees you!'” – Seth Meyers

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It is going to be worse than you imagine

Friday, December 9, 2016

Rolling Stone just published “Trump’s Presidency Is Shaping Up to Be an American Tragedy“.

Want more bad news? Trump has appointed more big money donors to his administration than any president in history. The presidency has been bought. Trump made a big deal complaining that Hillary Clinton met with donors to the Clinton Foundation, but Trump just gave a cabinet post to the largest donor to his (fake) foundation.

I have to admit that I’ve been pretty depressed the last few days over what is about to happen to our government. However, the thing that is depressing me the most is a report that the American people are falling for this con man, hook, line and sinker.

Trump announces that he is saving over a thousand jobs in Ohio. Never mind the fact that he totally exaggerated the number, and that they bribed the company (Carrier) with millions of dollars of corporate welfare. Or that now plenty of other companies can threaten to send jobs to other countries in order to cash in. Heck, even Sarah Palin attacked Trump’s ploy as being “crony capitalism”. Not to mention real conservatives, including the Wall Street Journal. So you might think this ploy would flop.

The depressing thing is that it worked. According to a new poll “Trump’s Carrier deal is wildly popular”. Sixty percent of Americans say their opinion of Trump went up because of the deal. Yes, that includes a bunch of Democrats.

As Electoral Vote points out, this is governance by photo op. Trump posts a photo of him shaking hands with some CEO with a big headline about him saving jobs, and we fall for it.

So what’s next? Convincing people that it is a good thing to cancel Obamacare? Or after that, canceling Medicare and Social Security? Or that warmer climate is a good thing? Or that making us more dependent on oil make sense? Will we fall for those things too?

We are being played for fools. Unfortunately, we are acting like fools.

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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, December 8, 2016

[Jokes from Nov. 21, 2016]

“Mike Pence got a rude greeting when he attended the musical ‘Hamilton’ over the weekend. He was booed going to his seat and the cast addressed him directly at the end of the show. And this looks bad for Pence. I mean when the theater kid picks on you, you know you truly are the least popular kid in school.” – James Corden

“Vice President-elect Mike Pence went to see ‘Hamilton’ over the weekend, and was booed by people in the audience when he entered the theater. And if the crowd wasn’t mad enough already, Pence waited until a quiet scene to open up a bag of Skittles. – Jimmy Fallon

“Many Trump supporters called for a boycott of the show telling people you can’t go to see ‘Hamilton’. To which 2,000 freezing tourists in line for tickets say, ‘Yeah, we know.'” – James Corden

“After the cast of Broadway’s ‘Hamilton’ addressed Vice President-elect Mike Pence following a show this weekend, Donald Trump demanded they apologize and tweeted, ‘The Theater must always be a safe and special place.’ To which Muslims replied, ‘Two tickets to the theater, please!'” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump claimed that he decided to settle the Trump University lawsuits so he could focus on running the country. Then he went back to tweeting insults at the cast of ‘Hamilton’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The New York Times reports that Trump’s wife Melania and 10-year-old son Barron will stay in Trump Tower instead of moving to the White House in January. Apparently Melania doesn’t want to pull Barron out of school, and when she was asked about it she was like, ‘Yeah, yeah, it’s because of Barron’s school. That is why I don’t want to live with Donald.'” – James Corden

“Donald Trump spent the weekend at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. ‘Fore!’ yelled Trump at a random woman he saw.” – Seth Meyers

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Crony Capitalism

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

It’s a win-win for Trump cronies.

It looks like the reward James Comey gets for throwing the election to Trump is a new headquarters for the FBI, something he has been lobbying for strongly.

And the developers who get the two billion dollar contract to build the new headquarters are friends of Trump. The same developers will also get control of the old FBI headquarters property, something that the Washington Post calls “a once-in-a-generation development opportunity in downtown Washington”.

As I always say, just follow the money.

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Oops, I did it again!

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

You might think that being elected president would sooth Trump’s ego enough so he wouldn’t have such a thin skin. But you would be wrong. Saturday Night Live did another funny skit featuring Alec Baldwin as Trump, about how Trump can’t stop tweeting:

So of course Trump had to tweet about it! Reality is stranger than parody, and he really can’t help himself!

Trump tweet

That would be hilarious enough, but Twitter user Danielle Muscato went on a rant. Here are just the first few tweets:

b-1

c-1

d-1

Rant

For his part, Baldwin has offered to stop his parody of Trump, but only if Trump releases his tax returns.

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

[Jokes from Nov. 17, 2016]

“Donald Trump today had his first official meeting with a foreign leader as president-elect. He met with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe in New York. The meeting actually got off to a rocky start. Trump asked the prime minister if he could teach him how to do the crane kick from ‘Karate Kid’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump doesn’t even believe in the existence of global warming, having tweeted: ‘The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive,’ and calling global warming ‘very expensive BS.’ Of course, ‘Very Expensive BS’ is also the motto for Trump University.” – Stephen Colbert

“Chinese officials have responded to Trump’s accusation with a strongly-worded statement, and I’m going to read this in the original Mandarin: ‘Nuh-uh’. I hope I’m pronouncing that correctly.” – Stephen Colbert

“They added that the Chinese will continue to fight climate change, quote, ‘whatever the circumstances.’ Just hold on — things have gotten so bad now that China is telling us to care about the environment?! Have you SEEN Beijing? No, you haven’t, because it’s hidden behind their air.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is planning a victory tour of the states he won. He’s planning on holding a series of rallies starting sometime after Thanksgiving. Maybe this is where he reveals it was all a prank.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ted Cruz is actually being considered by Donald Trump to be attorney general. Though it will be pretty awkward when he shows up on his first day of work and Trump goes, ‘I said ‘Tom Cruise’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ben from ‘The Bachelor’ has called off his wedding. Apparently, Donald Trump wants to interview him for secretary of defense.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump’s transition continues its transitioning. Don’t know a lot about what’s going on, but I do know that his team has not yet called the Pentagon, possibly because he knows more than the generals. Or maybe he’s never going to call them. He’ll just launch a literal tweet war: ‘@Pentagon, please bomb Syria. #LyingNewYorkTimes.'” – Stephen Colbert

“According to a new report, Donald Trump’s transition team still has not contacted the Pentagon. Apparently, they can’t find that shape on the phone. ‘I’m having no luck here. I’ve called Triangle like 50 times. They keep putting me through to Square. Square said he was Circle.'” – Seth Meyers

“Today was the American Cancer Society’s Great American Smokeout event, which encourages people to stop smoking and help their loved ones do the same. That’s right, quit smoking a week after Trump was elected. Good luck with that.” – James Corden

“Hillary Clinton made her first appearance since the election last night and told the crowd, ‘There had been a few times this past week when all I wanted to do is just to curl up with a good book or our dogs and never leave the house again.’ Oh, sure, NOW you’re relatable.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton was in our nation’s capital last night. She confessed there were times in the past week she just wanted to curl up and never leave the house again. That’s when Bill stepped in and said, ‘Oh, yes, she will.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At the end of the speech, Clinton said America is still the greatest country in the world — and then she got on a plane and flew to Sweden, where she will live out her remaining days on Earth.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Vice president-elect Mike Pence was seen today using a selfie stick while posing with a group of House Republicans. Of course, right after using the selfie stick, Pence had to go to confession.” – Seth Meyers

“Yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together. Pence was like, ‘I’m eager to discuss the issues facing our nation.’ While Biden said, ‘If you tell the waiter it’s your birthday, you get a free piece of cake.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ricky Martin announced that he is engaged to his boyfriend, who happens to be Syrian. Ricky got down on one knee and said, ‘Will you help me make Donald Trump’s head explode?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During President Obama’s visit to Greece yesterday, huge anti-Obama protests broke out. However, Obama was able to quiet down the crowd by saying, ‘Wait till you see the next guy.'” – Conan O’Brien

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The Irony of the Electoral College

Monday, December 5, 2016

Ruben Bolling
© Ruben Bolling

So, should we ever use the Electoral College for its intended purpose? Or should we abolish it? Otherwise it is just an anachronism that keeps causing problems.

Yes, it is undemocratic, but the founders intended it to be that way. In fact, the founders weren’t sure they trusted full-on democracy, and purposely limited it. So what’s more important now? Real democracy, or following the wishes of the people who wrote our constitution? Because it doesn’t look like we can have it both ways.

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Where’s the Irony?

Sunday, December 4, 2016

This website is dedicated to “political irony”, including humor. So you might think that the election of Donald Trump would make it easy to find good stories. But it isn’t turning out that way.

For example, it is hardly ironic, and certainly not humorous, that Trump is filling his cabinet with the same alligators he promised to drain out of the DC swamp, or that he has already reversed his position on pretty much every one of his campaign promises.

But isn’t that jumping the gun? I mean, his administration hasn’t even started yet, and it has been obvious for a long time that promises coming from the mouth of Trump typically last only until they stop getting him the attention he craves.

We should be paying attention to what he does, not what he says he will do. And we already have something that is required of every president-elect, and which Trump has started doing. And it already looks bad.

As is expected, Trump has been calling up the counterpart leaders of other countries to introduce himself. First, he completely screwed up the calls to the British Prime Minister, Theresa May (telling her who to appoint as US ambassador), and a personal meeting with Japanese leader Shinzo Abe. So much for our close allies.

Then he called the president of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte, and praised him for his war on drugs, in which thousands of suspected drug users and dealers have been summarily executed without trial. Trump told Duterte that he was doing it the “right way”, according to Duterte’s account.

Then Trump praised the leader of Pakistan and offered his support. Seriously, Pakistan? The country that was harboring Osama bin Laden? And has supported other Islamic terrorist groups and sold nuclear weapons to North Korea? Very bad!

This also pissed off Pakistan’s sworn enemy, India, which was a really stupid thing to do. And not just because India and Pakistan have come close to using nuclear weapons against each other. The US has been long cultivating a relationship with India as a counterweight to China, but Trump might have just trashed that.

Finally, speaking of China, Trump really pissed them off by having a friendly phone call with the leader of Taiwan. Officially (since 1979), Taiwan is a renegade province of China and the US doesn’t recognize them. Or we didn’t. China is hopping mad and has already lodged a formal complaint against Trump.

[Coincidentally of course, the mayor of a Taiwanese city has reported a meeting with a representative from the Trump organization, who expressed interest in developing resort hotels there.]

But none of this is ironic and it sure as hell isn’t funny. Is it any surprise that Trump is making a complete mess of it? Don’t we already know that Trump doesn’t listen to anyone? The State Department is completely dismayed because Trump has refused to even be briefed on these countries before he calls them.

So if you were wondering why I wasn’t posting so much about Trump, that is why. I’ll keep posting, but don’t expect me to report on every stupid thing that Trump does or says. I have no interest in and would take no joy in chronicling the massive screw-ups of Trump.

Of course, if he does something good, that will be ironic.

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, December 4, 2016

[Jokes from Nov. 16, 2016]

“President Obama was in Greece yesterday to meet with the Greek prime minister. Yep, Obama went to the birthplace of democracy to say, ‘Spoiler alert!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama was in Greece today and he visited the ancient Greek Acropolis. Obama said, ‘I wanted to get used to seeing a once-great democracy in ruins.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Obama began his final foreign trip in Athens, Greece, while back in the White House Joe Biden held his final toga party as vice president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together this afternoon. And just to piss him off, Biden told the waiter it was their anniversary.” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new poll, almost 60 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump should compromise with Democrats. Like, instead of a wall at the Mexican border, maybe a beaded curtain?” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump said the transition is going well and he has spoken to ‘many foreign leaders’. Then someone had to explain to Trump that Barack Obama is not a ‘foreign leader’.” – Conan O’Brien

“President-elect Donald Trump is in the process of building his cabinet right now and it’s going to be a Solid Gold Cabinet full of all the finest snacks. This is kind of nutty. One of the names on Trump’s short list for attorney general is Senator Ted Cruz. Who, of course, was Trump’s bitter rival on the campaign trail. This is going to be like if Tupac hired Biggie to be his head of security.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Experts say one of the biggest threats facing Donald Trump’s presidency could be North Korea. Evidently, Kim Jong Un is so incompetent and unstable, they’re worried Trump will give him a cabinet post.” – Conan O’Brien

“One of Donald Trump’s potential attorneys general is reportedly already working on a plan to make Muslims register with the government. Does anyone see a problem with that, or do you ‘Nazi?'” – Seth Meyers

“Yesterday Donald Trump and Mike Pence reportedly received their first presidential daily briefing of sensitive national intelligence. Or as Trump asked Putin, ‘Do you prefer email or fax?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The mayor of London said recently that if people based in the U.S. want to escape Donald Trump’s administration, quote, ‘London is open.’ Said Melania, ‘Taxi!'” – Seth Meyers

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