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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, February 16, 2017

[Jokes from Jan. 19, 2017]

“Tomorrow is the presidential inauguration. People from all across country will be there. But don’t worry if you can’t make it, because the president will be live tweeting the whole thing.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Meteorologists are predicting that the weather for the inauguration tomorrow will be cold, damp, and dreary. However, things will warm up later in the afternoon, during the Rapture.” – Conan O’Brien

“North Korea is reportedly readying two intercontinental ballistic missiles to nuke Donald Trump’s inauguration. Listen, Tubby, you’re gonna have to do a lot better than that if you want to scare us this weekend.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump apparently wrote a draft of his inauguration speech himself. A little worried though, because while he was writing, he kept yelling to his secretary, ‘Is boobs spelled with two ‘o’s or three?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Now, Trump likes writing everything by hand and he actually threw away some lines for his speech that he decided not to use. Well, we got a hold of some of them. So check these out: This first line Trump threw away was ‘Four score and seven bankruptcies ago.’ Then he tried, ‘Read my lips. No new taxes — for me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“And finally he tried, ‘Dwight D. Eisenhower said, ‘Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy,’ and to that I say, why not both?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump will be sworn in as president of the United States tomorrow. That’s right. Basically, we as a nation are going from the first season of ‘Lost’ to the last season. As it turns out, we’re all in purgatory. That’s the best-case scenario.” – Conan O’Brien

“One of the DJs at Donald Trump’s inauguration celebration used to be Hugh Hefner’s personal DJ. When asked how he became a DJ for both Hugh Hefner and Donald Trump, he said, ‘I’m not a very good DJ.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama surprised his White House staffers with a private concert by Bruce Springsteen to thank them for their work over the last eight years. Meanwhile, Trump thanked his supporters with a performance by a Bruce Springsteen cover brand’s drummer’s DJ friend.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today is President Obama’s final day in office, and I just want to say: Mr. President, you weren’t great for comedy. You were always sincere and eloquent. You never had a scandal or fell down the stairs. You carried yourself with grace and dignity for eight whole years. So, on behalf of comedians and talk show hosts everywhere: We’re gonna miss you, Joe!” – Conan O’Brien

“The president of Gambia is refusing to step down, even though the country has elected a new president. Which raises the question, why can’t we be more like Gambia?” – Conan O’Brien

“Today, in his last full day in office, President Obama commuted the sentences of 330 prisoners. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, ‘I hope I’m one of them.'” – Conan O’Brien

“A Southern California man has created a dating site exclusively for Trump supporters. It’s a great way for angry white men to meet other angry white men.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s press secretary claims that Trump’s cabinet will be one of the most diverse in history. Of course he didn’t mean American history, he meant Confederate history.” – Conan O’Brien

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Trump vs Truth

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

If you have ever wondered how people can support Donald Trump, when he lies constantly, then you have to watch this video from John Oliver:

The problem is a combination of a propaganda-like appeal to emotions, reinforced by a fake news industry. Note that this kind of non-rational belief is not confined to conservatives. For example, non-rational belief in things like “chemtrails” and the idea that immunizations cause autism are also common among some progressives. And just because you are intelligent, you are not immune. Steve Jobs was extremely intelligent, but he famously delayed getting treatment for his cancer because he didn’t believe in traditional medicine.

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Dan Rather on the Latest Trump Scandal

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

[Posted to Facebook by Dan Rather]

Watergate is the biggest political scandal of my lifetime, until maybe now. It was the closest we came to a debilitating Constitutional crisis, until maybe now. On a 10 scale of armageddon for our form of government, I would put Watergate at a 9. This Russia scandal is currently somewhere around a 5 or 6, in my opinion, but it is cascading in intensity seemingly by the hour. And we may look back and see, in the end, that it is at least as big as Watergate. It may become the measure by which all future scandals are judged. It has all the necessary ingredients, and that is chilling.

When we look back at Watergate, we remember the end of the Nixon Presidency. It came with an avalanche, but for most of the time my fellow reporters and I were chasing down the story as it rumbled along with a low-grade intensity. We never were quite sure how much we would find out about what really happened. In the end, the truth emerged into the light, and President Nixon descended into infamy.

This Russia story started out with an avalanche and where we go from here no one really knows. Each piece of news demands new questions. We are still less than a month into the Trump Presidency, and many are asking that question made famous by Tennessee Senator Howard Baker those many years ago: “What did the President know, and when did he know it?” New reporting suggests that Mr. Trump knew for weeks. We can all remember the General Michael Flynn’s speech from the Republican National Convention – “Lock her up!” in regards to Hillary Clinton. If Hillary Clinton had done one tenth of what Mr. Flynn had done, she likely would be in jail. And it isn’t just Mr. Flynn, how far does this go?

The White House has no credibility on this issue. Their spigot of lies – can’t we finally all agree to call them lies – long ago lost them any semblance of credibility. I would also extend that to the Republican Congress, who has excused away the Trump Administration’s assertions for far too long.

We need an independent investigation. Damn the lies, full throttle forward on the truth. If a scriptwriter had approached Hollywood with what we are witnessing, he or she would probably have been told it was way too far-fetched for even a summer blockbuster. But this is not fiction. It is real and it is serious. Deadly serious. We deserve answers and those who are complicit in this scandal need to feel the full force of justice.

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Trumping Valentine’s Day

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Maybe we should stop calling the holiday after Saint Valentine, and instead call it after Narcissus.


© Tom Tomorrow

According to Tom Tomorrow, all of these quotes are genuine, although he admits that the one in the top-right panel was paraphrased so it would fit (is this like what they do to movies when they show them on TV, so they can insert ads?)

UPDATE: See also Jimmy Kimmel’s White House Valentine’s Day cards.

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

[Jokes from Jan. 17, 2017]

“Donald Trump will be sworn in as president this Friday at 12 noon. That’s when the big hand is on the 12, and the little hand is on the Bible.” – Seth Meyers

“We are just three days away from Donald Trump’s inauguration, and just two days away from all those time travelers coming back to stop him. Or not.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump’s inaugural committee is actually encouraging protesters to show up on Friday, saying, quote, ‘We’ll give you cookies and Kool-Aid.’ Then Republicans in Congress were like, ‘Actually, we drank all the Kool-Aid.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s expected to rain in Washington during Donald Trump’s inauguration. In response, Donald Trump tweeted, ‘The sky is rigged.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Evidently, any bad news for Trump is rigged. If it rains on Inauguration Day, he’ll tweet, ‘Fake weather. Clouds are rigged. Apologize!'” – Stephen Colbert

“It was announced that the B Street Band — a Bruce Springsteen cover band — that was booked for an inauguration gala has since decided to cancel out of respect for Springsteen’s opposition to Donald Trump. You know it’s bad when even a cover band is like, ‘We don’t want to compromise our artistic integrity like that.'” – James Corden

“Maybe a Springsteen cover band canceling is all for the best. ‘Born in the USA’ would have been an insensitive song to play at a party celebrating a campaign that was actually born in Russia.” – James Corden

“It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Just a word of advice to the Trump seat-fillers: Make sure you get paid up front, OK? Get the cash.” – Conan O’Brien

“The celebrities attending are so non-famous, they’d probably get cast on ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” – James Corden

“Donald Trump said after he’s sworn into office on Friday, he’s going to take the weekend off. Unless, of course, he has to deal with a national emergency or a ‘Saturday Night Live’ sketch. It could go either way.” – Conan O’Brien

“So Trump might want to put in some more hours just to get his popularity up. He’s got the lowest approval rating of any incoming president in modern history. But, hey, it’s not a popularity contest. And neither was the election.” – Stephen Colbert

“Right now, Donald Trump has 40 percent favorable, whereas on his Inauguration Day, Barack Obama’s favorability rating was 79 percent. But he was the first black president, and if America’s known for anything, it’s giving black men the benefit of the doubt.” – Stephen Colbert

“Even Trump’s staunchest supporters are starting to have doubts because, evidently, white nationalists are already losing faith in the president-elect. That is so sad. I mean, they’ve gone from ‘Heil!’ to ‘Huh?'” – Stephen Colbert

“Today was first lady Michelle Obama’s birthday. And for the eighth year in a row, an overexcited Joe Biden blew out her candles.” – Seth Meyers

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Make Spelling To Great Again

Monday, February 13, 2017

The official Donald Trump inauguration poster, produced by the Library of Congress, has a spelling error in it:

My only question is, did they do it on purpose?

If not, did the Trump administration get rid of the regulation about proper spelling, or fire the bureaucrat in charge of it?

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Undoing Pence

Monday, February 13, 2017

Unlike his boss, Vice President Mike Pence is an experienced politician. In fact, before becoming VP, Pence was the governor of Indiana. So we should be able to get some idea of what kind of president Pence might be, if (for some reason) Donald Trump stops being the president.

Which is why this report from an Indiana newspaper is worrisome. The article is titled “With Pence gone, fellow Republicans undo his work in Indiana”.

When Pence became the vice president, he was able to handpick Eric Holcomb (who had been his lieutenant governor) to be his successor as Indiana governor. Plus Republicans hold supermajorities of both chambers of the Indiana legislature. One might think that not much would have changed after Pence left the state to join the White House.

One would be wrong. The new governor and the legislature immediately started reversing Pence’s policies in the state:

  • Pence had struck a tentative deal to lease state-owned cell towers to an Ohio company. Holcomb cancelled that deal.
  • Pence refused to pardon Keith Cooper, who had been wrongfully convicted of robbery almost 20 years ago. This despite a pardon recommendation from the Indiana parole board and a petition for Cooper’s pardon that had collected 100,000 signatures. All eyewitnesses in the case had recanted their testimony and DNA evidence did not implicate Cooper in the crime. Holcomb pardoned Cooper.
  • Pence refused to declare an emergency for an East Chicago neighborhood where residents have been forced to leave because of lead contamination. Holcomb reversed that decision and declared an emergency so that federal funds can be used to solve the contamination problem.
  • Pence opposed needle exchange programs to stop the spread of disease among drug abusers. Holcomb has announced his support for that program.
  • Pence opposed tax increases to pay for road improvements, while Holcomb has endorsed them.
  • For their part, the legislature overturned Pence’s most recent vetoes. One was a veto of environmental rules (overturned by a vote of 93 to 2), and the other affected universities in the state.

Why are Republicans trying to seemingly erase Pence’s legacy? Because Pence is an ideologue. Some might even call him a religious zealot, who governs based on his religious convictions. That may have made his religious base happy, but was not good for the state. There is no doubt that he would do the same thing as president.

But perhaps even more important to Pence than his religion is his ambition, which is why he supports Donald Trump with unquestioning devotion, even though Donald Trump is a completely non-religious person who is only too happy to commit grievous religious sins (coveting other’s wives, adultery, lying, bearing false witness, stealing, etc.) and even brag about them.

This does not bode well for the future, as Time magazine has already published an editorial calling for Trump’s impeachment.

UPDATE: Plus bookmakers are very close on the question of whether Trump will make it through his first term. The question doesn’t seem to be whether Trump deserves to be impeached, but whether the Republicans will have the guts to do it.

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McCarthy Does Spicer Again

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Melissa McCarthy again pokes fun at White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. And Kate McKinnon adds an incomprehensible Jeff Sessions. This SNL parody just keeps getting better. I think Donald Trump will be forced to get rid of Spicer just to stop this. Either way, we win.

Rumors are that one potential candidate has already been interviewed, and this guy might be an even better target for satire. For example, he suggested we should put Muslims into internment camps, like we did to Japanese Americans during WWII.

UPDATE: See more SNL skits from last night, including Donald Trump in “The People’s Court”.

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, February 12, 2017

[Jokes from Jan. 16, 2017]

“I saw that Donald Trump himself is selling inauguration sweatshirts for $79. I know it sounds expensive for a sweatshirt, but just imagine how much they would have cost if they were made in America.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Dozens of Democratic members of Congress are boycotting Donald Trump’s inauguration. Which is shocking because I didn’t know there were still dozens of Democratic members of Congress. I guessed there were like two left.” – Conan O’Brien

“I read that Trump raised a record $90 million in private donations to pay for his inauguration. Trump said, ‘Just another $10 million and we can cover my appearance fee.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s inauguration ceremony is this Friday, which means Mike Pence’s is on Monday.” – Conan O’Brien

“A Bruce Springsteen cover band is the latest musical act to drop out of performing [at the inauguration]. Yeah. That’s right. That’s the situation we’re in right now. It is not a good sign when a cover band thinks you’re not a legitimate president.” – Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend, Donald Trump sent out angry tweets blasting civil rights legend John Lewis. So I guess we all celebrate Martin Luther King Day differently.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump tweeted about Martin Luther King Jr. this morning, saying people should celebrate, quote, ‘All the many wonderful things that he stood for.’ He then quickly logged off before anyone asked him to name one.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump observed the holiday by visiting the National Museum of African American History, or more accurately, canceling his visit to the National Museum of African American History. Although I guess in a way that might be good. The last thing we need is Trump learning more about segregation.” – Stephen Colbert

“After civil rights leader John Lewis called Donald Trump an illegitimate president, incoming chief of staff Reince Priebus claimed that Republicans never questioned the legitimacy of President Obama’s election. And then President Obama sighed so hard his hair turned white.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump met with Steve Harvey at Trump Tower on Friday. Meanwhile, Trump’s toupee and Harvey’s mustache met for a play date.” – Conan O’Brien

“In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a replacement for Obamacare that will provide insurance for everybody. Yeah, it’s called move to Canada.” – Conan O’Brien

“Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially cutting down. Apparently, the circus doesn’t think it could compete against a Trump presidency.” – Stephen Colbert

“In an interview, President Obama said that reading books helped him get through difficult times during his presidency. Reading books, yeah. So he said, ‘Thank you, Judy Bloom.'” – Conan O’Brien

“There’s a new app out there that describes itself as Tinder for adopting babies. So one day, siblings will be taunting each other with, ‘Ha ha, mom right-swiped you. You shouldn’t be here.'” – Conan O’Brien

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The Ironic Curtain

Saturday, February 11, 2017


© Jen Sorensen

How long can Trump supporters keep believing the lies spewing from the right-wing media?

At some point, even the right will start getting pissed off at Trump.

For example, during the campaign, Trump was a font of nasty rhetoric against China, promising to label China a currency manipulator on day one (he didn’t) and to impose big tariffs on Chinese imports to the US (again, didn’t happen). The only thing Trump actually did was to talk to the leader of Taiwan after the election (and perhaps even initiated the call), which plenty pissed off the mainland Chinese government.

But on Thursday night, Trump had his first talk with Chinese leader Xi Jinping, and Trump rolled over like a dog and was “extremely deferential“. In a complete flip-flop from the call between him and Taiwan, Trump affirmed the “One China” policy and promised to do nothing to recognize or even imply the legitimacy of Taiwan or its independence.

So much for Trump’s promise to put America first. Maybe he’s tired of “winning”.

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Not His Business

Friday, February 10, 2017

Nordstrom department store announced on Feb. 3 that they were dropping Ivanka Trump’s line of clothing, because it wasn’t selling well. On Feb. 8, so-called president Donald Trump tweeted:

My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by @Nordstrom. She is a great person — always pushing me to do the right thing! Terrible!

This is completely insane.

Yes, Trump has criticized other businesses — including Boeing, Carrier, and the US automakers — because they said or did things Trump didn’t like, but this tweet was about his daughter’s personal business and appeared on the official White House twitter account. What an ethical nightmare.

Donald Trump is acting like a tinpot dictator, who takes personal offense if a company makes a routine business decision that doesn’t favor him or his family.

Luckily, Trump’s tantrum didn’t work. After the tweet the shares of Nordstrom dropped briefly, but then recovered and closed up over 4 percent.

Of course, White House spokesman Sean Spicer defended Trump’s tweet, telling reporters that the president was responding to an “attack on his daughter” and that “he has every right to stand up for his family and applaud their business activities, their success.”

Spicer was also asked by a reporter why the tweet was posted at 10:51am, which is during the time the president was scheduled to receive his daily intelligence briefing. Spicer responded that the president was not otherwise occupied when he wrote the tweet.

Adding insult to injury, on Thursday morning Trump’s top advisor Kellyanne Conway gave an interview from the White House on Fox News where she urged viewers to buy products from Ivanka Trump’s clothing and accessories line, saying “Go buy Ivanka’s stuff. … I’m gonna give it a free commercial here. Go buy it today, everybody. You can find it online.” Federal employees are prohibited by law from endorsing products.

UPDATE: Seth Meyers takes a closer look at this mess, and finds humor:

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, February 10, 2017

[Jokes from Jan. 12, 2017]

“All of these accusations are coming out about Trump’s ties with Russia. In fact, a 2013 interview just resurfaced where Trump says he has a relationship with Vladimir Putin. While Putin’s like, ‘Ugh, you poke someone back on Facebook, next thing you know you’re in a relationship.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s these allegations that Russia has compromising information on Donald Trump. It’s all based on 35 pages of opposition research that was evidently put together by a British MI6 agent. Yesterday, we didn’t know his name, and now we know his name is Steele — Christopher Steele. So, a Brit spy named Steele? Is he Remington Steele’s cousin?” – Stephen Colbert

“Now Penthouse is offering a million dollars to anyone who has compromising videos of Donald Trump. When he heard about the offer, Trump provided the videos himself. ‘I know a good deal when I see one.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The CIA is now saying that the Kremlin has multiple sexual recordings of Donald Trump. After hearing this, Trump smirked and said, ‘Yeah, all from the same night… #stamina.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The head of the office of government ethics said yesterday that the only way for Donald Trump to completely avoid conflicts of interest is to sell his assets and place them in a blind trust. Trump was like, ‘Fine, I trust Ivanka.'” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump has named 72-year-old Rudy Giuliani to be his adviser on cybersecurity. Trump explained, ‘I’m not up to speed on the latest technology, so I wanted to get somebody two years older.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Trump held his first big press conference since the election, and he got into a shouting match with a CNN reporter who claims that Trump tried to have him thrown out. Then the other reporters were like, ‘Oh, come on. Why does HE get to leave?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, in our nation’s capital, our elected officials had a late night of work. After seven hours of debating, they voted to approve a resolution that would rid the country eventually of Obamacare. Can you imagine, the senators finally worked until 1:30 in the morning, and it was for this? How would Congress like it if we all met in the middle of the night and voted to take THEIR healthcare away?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Senate Republicans today passed a budget blueprint marking the first steps towards repealing Obamacare. Which means it’s going to cost us a lot more to get this mole looked at.” – Seth Meyers

“If Obamacare is repealed, 20 million Americans could lose healthcare which is a very big deal, but we don’t seem to be as fired up. If they voted to take Netflix away from us, we’d go nuts. We would burn things. It would be crazy.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is wrapping things up at the White House. You know, cleaning out his desk, handing over the keys, and spackling over the holes in the office wall so he can get the security deposit back, squeeze a little toothpaste in there.” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama today awarded Vice President Joe Biden the Presidential Medal of Freedom With Distinction, which is an honor only three other people have been given over the last 30 years. Then Biden gave Obama his highest honor, double finger guns with a wink.” – Seth Meyers

“Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, ‘I’m not in the TSA.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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Just Piss Him Off!

Thursday, February 9, 2017

The original Trump haters, the Scottish, give some fine pointers on what to do about Trump:

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Trump’s Tax Returns

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Even though Donald Trump promised to release his tax returns that were not under audit, he never did. We can easily surmise that they are full of conflicts of interest, or worse.

But what we didn’t realize is that legally, Congress actually has the power to obtain individual tax returns and even disclose them publicly, if it is in the public interest (which in this case, it certainly is). And it doesn’t even take all of Congress to do this, it only needs a Congressional committee.

There is precedent for this. Back in 1974 Nixon cheated on his taxes, and the Congressional Joint Committee on Taxation obtained his return, and discovered that Nixon actually owed roughly half his net worth at the time in back taxes. Because this was definitely in the public interest, the committee released both their findings and Nixon’s tax return information to the public.

Interestingly, this whole scandal is what prompted Nixon to famously declare “I am not a crook“.

Of course, all such committees are currently controlled by Republicans, but enough Republicans could get fed up enough with Trump in order to investigate Trump’s taxes. It would only take a single committee. Or else the Democrats could win back either House of Congress and do it themselves.

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So-called President

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

On Saturday, Donald Trump angrily tweeted his displeasure at federal judge James Robart, who had just temporarily blocked Trump’s travel ban:

The opinion of this so-called judge, which essentially takes law-enforcement away from our country, is ridiculous and will be overturned!

Calling Robart a “so-called judge” is clearly an attempt to delegitimize the US judiciary. After all, Trump can’t accuse Robart of issuing a partisan decision, as Robart was nominated by George W Bush and was unanimously confirmed by the Senate.

But the hypocrisy here is that — as noted by this blog and others — Trump commonly accuses others of things of which he himself is guilty. Which means Trump should be called a “so-called president”.

Why would the president attack one of the other two branches of our government? Especially the branch whose most important job is to provide checks and balances on executive power?

Even Republicans noticed this. In a rebuke, Senator Ben Sasse (R-NE) said:

We don’t have ‘so-called judges,’ we don’t have ‘so-called’ senators, we don’t have ‘so-called presidents’. We have people from three different branches of government who take an oath to uphold and defend the Constitution.

But Trump continues to attack Judge Robart. As long as he does that, it is only fair that we should call Trump a “so-called president”.

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