[Jokes from Jan. 25, 2017]
“President Trump has called for an investigation into voter fraud during the presidential election. Trump said, ‘I mean for God’s sake, look who they chose!'” – Conan O’Brien
“Tonight President Trump continued with his mysterious and puzzling claim that voter fraud cost him the popular vote in the election. He says 3 million to 5 million illegal voters chose Hillary over him. He knows if that’s true he still has to be president, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s a tiny percentage, but there will be a major investigation. He must get to the bottom of why he is stuck with this horrible job he didn’t want.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump tweeted this morning, ‘I will be asking for a major investigation into voter fraud, including those registered to vote in two states, those who are illegal, and’ — he goes on to another one — ‘even those registered to vote who are dead, and many for a long time.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“That’s right, dead people voted. And I like that he added ‘many for a long time,’ which makes it seem like if newly dead people vote, you can forgive that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to a report from the Brennan Center for Justice, the rate of voter fraud, the real rate in U.S. elections, is between .00004% and .00009%. In other words, about the same rate as the couples on ‘The Bachelor’ who get married.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today, President Trump signed an executive order authorizing the building of the border wall. It’s guaranteed to keep out all Mexicans unless they get their hands on a ladder or a shovel.” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump is trying to get down to business. In fact, he met with the CEOs of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler this week, to try and convince them to make more cars in the US. In fact he even pitched them the idea for a new car: ‘The Really, Really Smart Car (Smarter Than You’d Ever Believe, That I Can Tell You.)'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to send federal troops to Chicago. The weird part is, not the city, the musical.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“US Weekly released their new cover story on Donald Trump’s children and promised ‘everything you didn’t know about the Trump kids.’ ‘Is it their names?’ asked Trump.” – Seth Meyers
“President Trump is still settling into the White House, and I read that Trump’s gold curtains in the Oval Office are the same ones Hillary picked out for Bill Clinton in 1993. So she may not be president, but Hillary still figured out a way to throw some shade.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to The New York Times, the White House kitchen has been stocked with President Trump’s favorite snacks including Lay’s potato chips. And his Cabinet has been filled with crackers.” – Seth Meyers
“There are reports that Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway actually punched a guy while trying to break up a fight at Trump’s inaugural ball. Though she says it wasn’t a punch, it was an ‘alternative high-five’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Arnold Schwarzenegger met Pope Francis at the Vatican today. When the Pope heard it was the guy that said, ‘I’ll be back’, he said, ‘Oh, I was expecting someone else. Sorry’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today at the Vatican, Arnold Schwarzenegger met Pope Francis and tweeted that he is ‘a true leader for the Church.’ Then Pope Francis tweeted, ‘I couldn’t understand a word that guy said.'” – Conan O’Brien
“At the Vatican today, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Pope Francis. Or as Arnold called him, ‘Pump Fracas.’ Interesting meeting, because Arnold doesn’t speak English — I mean Spanish — never mind. He doesn’t speak English.” – Jimmy Kimmel
