Political Irony

[Jokes from Feb. 22, 2017]

The Washington Post has done an analysis of Trump’s first month as president and says that during that time, Trump has made 133 false or misleading statements. That’s right, 133 false statements. Isn’t that — [mimes listening to earpiece] sorry, it’s absolutely 134. It’s 135 — it’s — it’s 137. Forget it, we’ll be here all night. – James Corden

The Washington Post says that he has lied over 130 times in just his first month. If you do the math, he’s releasing an average of four false or misleading statements per day. On the bright side, you can’t say Trump isn’t getting anything done. – James Corden

Now the most shocking thing in this report is that it’s only been 34 days. How? It feels like he’s halfway into his second term, doesn’t it? This is the first administration where the public is aging faster than the president. – James Corden

But it makes sense that Trump tells the most fibs of any president — even the color of his skin is a lie. – James Corden

Trump’s frequent visits to his Mar-a-Lago resort have many wondering if he’ll stick with the presidential tradition of visiting Camp David. While others would just be happy if he stuck with the tradition of visiting the White House. You’re still president on the weekends, you know that? All right, good. – Jimmy Fallon

Another big story is Trump’s ongoing feud with the media. Especially his tweet where he called the press “the enemy of the American people.” And the American people said, “No, that would still be kale. No one likes kale.” – Jimmy Fallon

Former Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee is actually siding with Trump, saying he can relate to how Trump’s being covered. Then even Lincoln Chafee was like, “Wait, who am I again? Am I the guy with the guitar? No, that was Martin O’Malley. No, yeah, I was the guy with the hair, OK.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump said today that he very much enjoyed his tour of the National Museum of African American History and Culture yesterday. One employee was like, “Sir, that was a basketball game.” – Seth Meyers

Yesterday, Trump was touring the Museum of African American History and Culture, and according to witnesses, he noticed a stone auction block on which slaves would stand and was moved to say, “Boy, that is just not good. That is not good.” I haven’t heard that kind of eloquent enunciation since the Civil War novel “The Red Badge of Dang, That Is Messed Up.” – Stephen Colbert

And he wasn’t done taking a courageous stance against slavery, because later they came upon a set of shackles used to restrain children, and the president said, “That is really bad. That is really bad” — adding, “Chains on a child? What is this, the airport?” – Stephen Colbert

President Trump is getting ready to speak to Congress next Tuesday and apparently this speech will be more upbeat than the one he gave at his inauguration. People were like, “Seriously, ‘Manchester by the Sea’ was more upbeat than his inauguration speech.” – Jimmy Fallon

White House press secretary Sean Spicer said today that President Trump will not be watching the Academy Awards this Sunday. But I bet Spicer will, since he’s nominated for most animated short. – Seth Meyers

Vice President Mike Pence today toured a factory in St. Louis. Pence was like, “It’s so great to be back here in the place where I was built.” – Seth Meyers

If you are visiting in New York right now, you might have noticed that yesterday, activists put a banner on the Statue of Liberty reading, “Refugees Welcome”. It’s absolutely a lovely thought, but kind of redundant on the Statue of Liberty, isn’t it? It’s like taking a rainbow flag and adding, “We Like the Gays!” It’s not necessary. – Stephen Colbert

But I guess that’s where we are right now. You’ve got to say things out loud that, before, we just assumed we all agreed on. The bar’s getting lower. – Stephen Colbert

According to a new report, more Americans over 65 are using marijuana to relieve pain. Said one such American, “I’m 65? How long have I been playing Call of Duty?” – Seth Meyers

Scientists are saying people who grow up with cats in their homes are not more likely to develop mental illnesses. No, the mental illness comes first. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Feb. 16, 2017]

The big news out of Washington right now is the press conference Donald Trump held this morning. Did everyone see it? No? Lucky you, sir. – Conan O’Brien

Earlier today, President Trump held a press conference where he insulted the media, criticized Hillary Clinton, and talked about a hypothetical nuclear holocaust. Even Sean Spicer was like, “You should not be talking to reporters.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump today tweeted that the “failing New York Times must apologize” for publishing leaks from his administration, but at this point, if they didn’t publish White House leaks, the whole paper would just be the crossword. – Seth Meyers

The tone of the press conference was like if your dad found a pack of cigarettes under your mattress. He was mad. Talked for an hour and 17 minutes, which is more than he’s spoken to Melania all this year, the whole year. – Jimmy Kimmel

This was in response to his secretary of labor withdrawing his nomination and Trump having to pick a replacement. Trump’s original pick, Andrew Puzder, is the CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. But Puzder withdrew his nomination after it became clear he would not get confirmed. When asked what he was going to do next, Puzder said, “Please drive around to the second window and we can talk there.” – Conan O’Brien

That’s how bad things are in the Trump administration right now. Someone asks you if you’d like to work in the White House and you’re like, “No thanks, I’d rather work at Carl’s Jr.” – Conan O’Brien

As his replacement, Trump decided he needed a fast food leader with more political experience. Which is why the new nominee for labor secretary is none other than Mayor McCheese. – Conan O’Brien

Trump also discussed the recent bombshell about his staff communicating with Russia, and he said that he hasn’t made a phone call to Russia in years. You could tell Trump was lying because his tie grew another three inches. – Jimmy Fallon

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson today said that Russia must respect its international commitments toward Ukraine — and then he winked so hard he accidentally swallowed his eyebrow. – Seth Meyers

Famed Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein told CNN yesterday that the Trump administration is trying to cover up its ties to Russia. Bernstein wouldn’t identify his source, but did say [shows photo of Mitch McConnell] he goes by the name Loose Throat. – Seth Meyers

In this press conference, Trump claimed to have had the biggest electoral win since Reagan, and when a reporter pointed out that was false, Trump responded with — and I quote — “I’ve seen that information around.” Around? He saw this information “around?” What, like it was tacked to a bulletin board next to guitar lessons and a picture of a lost cat? – Conan O’Brien

He said Hillary Clinton’s name 11 times during this press conference. Why is he still talking about Hillary Clinton? The election is over! Even lovesick teenage boys are like, “Move on, man. Let her go.” – Conan O’Brien

There were demonstrations across the country today to protest the president’s immigration policy. Immigrants were encouraged to skip work today for what they called “a day without immigrants,” or as Steve Bannon calls it, “a good start”. – Jimmy Kimmel

There were marches in Philadelphia and Austin, Washington. Here in L.A., with no immigrants — we have a lot of immigrants here in L.A. — people were forced to babysit their own children. Arnold Schwarzenegger had to impregnate a meter maid today. It was awful. – Jimmy Kimmel

A lot of coverage of this important protest got lost because the president decided to hold an impromptu press conference, and it was a sight to see. It reminded me of something you’d see before a pay-per-view boxing event. I guess he did it because he’s mad and wanted to blow off some steam. – Jimmy Kimmel

There is so much going on in the world right now. Not just in the world, there’s a lot going on in the universe. For those of you who are looking to get off the planet, astronomers at the Carnegie Institution discovered more than 100 potential planets that may be habitable, which means we’re one step closer to finding a planet with intelligent life. – Jimmy Kimmel

It’s exciting, especially for members of the scientific community — this is on the level of, like, a-woman-brushing-up-against-them-on-the-subway exciting. – Jimmy Kimmel

This might not be the best time to make contact with aliens. They say, “Take us to your leader.” What do we do at that time? “Our leader’s a little busy on Twitter right now. How about we take you to Oprah? She’s nice, you’ll like her.” – Jimmy Kimmel

The makers of the board game Monopoly have announced that they are dropping the thimble token in favor of new pieces in the shape of emojis and hashtags. Although, if you’re trying to modernize Monopoly, maybe start with Oriental Avenue. We call it Asian-American Avenue now. – Seth Meyers

From Late Night with Stephen Colbert, Sesame Street takes on Sean Spicer:

[Jokes from Feb. 13, 2017]

This week Donald Trump took Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe down to Mar-a-Lago. They were eating their dinners when they received news that North Korea had test-launched a ballistic missile. This is a provocation by a rogue nuclear state, so President Trump immediately retreated to a secure location where he could be briefed on the details. I’m just kidding! – Stephen Colbert

This is the president’s second weekend in a row at Mar-a-Lago, the resort he owns in Palm Beach, where he played golf and dined with the prime minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe. So on Saturday night they got the news that North Korea test-launched an intermediate-range missile. They decided to work that out over dinner, at a table in the middle of the Mar-a-Lago dining room surrounded by members of this club. Instead of getting and up going somewhere private they continued to eat while advisers rushed back and forth to the table handing them documents alongside the busboys handing them food. They used the flashlights on their cellphones to read these documents, like old men trying to see a menu. And in the end, they decided to impose more sanctions and also to split a tiramisu. – Jimmy Kimmel

Other diners even posted Facebook photos of Trump and Abe looking at what one imagines are classified documents by the light of someone’s cellphone flash light. But I’m sure those documents are secure unless that cellphone flash light also somehow has a camera attached to it. – Stephen Colbert

This weekend at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida, President Trump apparently discussed sensitive information about a North Korean missile launch in front of waiters and other guests. The guests said they won’t share what they overheard, while the waiter said [speaks in Russian accent], “No promises.” – Jimmy Fallon

Another guy posted Facebook photos of himself with the guy who carries around the nuclear launch codes, identifying the staffer by name. “This is Rick. Rick is the man.” Or more accurately, Rick WAS the man, until his identity was compromised next to the carving station. – Stephen Colbert

The guy has since taken down the Facebook post. And I can’t blame him. He only got 20 likes. A post about the nuclear launch codes really should have blown up. – Stephen Colbert

You know, if you’re going to hold a classified meeting in a public place, you do it somewhere where there aren’t any people. Like a RadioShack, for instance. – Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday an official government tweet was posted for Black History Month, celebrating civil rights activist W.E.B. Du Bois. There were two problems with the tweet. One was Du Bois’ name was spelled wrong — and the other problem was the tweet was posted by the Department of Education. Now, I know Republicans don’t believe there should be a Department of Education but this seems like the wrong way to prove it. – James Corden

But it gets worse: They tweeted an apology for their mistake. It says, “Our deepest apologizes.” Well, apologizes accepted. – James Corden

I don’t know who at the Department of Education wrote this tweet, but whoever it is should have been held back a year. Or at least make them go back and repeat Black History Month. – James Corden

Have you seen the White House Valentine’s Day cards? These are cards like the ones kids give out in school, but each of these features a character from the Trump administration. We have Dr. Ben Carson, “Loving you isn’t brain surgery.” Kellyanne Conway, “My love for you is as real as the Bowling Green Massacre.” Steve Bannon, “Will you be mein?” Press secretary Sean Spicer, “Help me fake my death, Valentine.” That’s dark. – Jimmy Kimmel

Trump’s sons, Eric and Donald Jr., “Love is blind, unlike the trust we run for our father.” Vice President Mike Pence, “This is a totally heterosexual Valentine’s card between a man and a woman.” Vlad Putin, “Your love makes you weak.” First lady Melania Trump, “I almost love you enough to leave New York.” And finally President Trump, “I’m building a wall around your heart and making you pay for it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Today the president was back in work in Washington, D.C. He met with the Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Went OK. They shook hands for a reasonable amount of time, which was good. Am I the only one who gets nervous every time he meets a new world leader? It’s like introducing a heavily tattooed girlfriend to your parents. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump will reportedly have lunch with Chris Christie tomorrow. ”Just the salad, please,” said Christie when asked if there was anything on the menu he didn’t want. – Seth Meyers

Scott Baio said he is furious with Nordstrom for dropping Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. But mostly, Baio’s mad at Nordstrom for cutting his hours working in the stockroom. – Conan O’Brien

The Grammys were incredible — you want to talk about bold performances, CeeLo Green came to the Grammys dressed head-to-toe in gold. He looks like he escaped from a secret room in Trump Tower. – James Corden

He waved at me before the show and I was like, “Wait, am I at a science fiction convention? Did I go to Comic-Con by mistake?” – James Corden

You know that costume probably seemed like a good idea yesterday, and tonight CeeLo is still finding gold paint in all kinds of places. – James Corden

Adele was the big winner at the Grammys last night. But get this — after winning for Best Album, Adele said she thought Beyoncé should have won instead. Then Kanye was like, “Damn, she beat me to it!” and went back to his seat. – Jimmy Fallon

Last night at the Grammys, Adele started a tribute to George Michael but messed up and so she started over. She was on such a roll that she won the Grammy for Best Mistake. – Conan O’Brien

Adele won five Grammys while Beyoncé only won two. And if that weren’t enough, Adele then announced she was pregnant with triplets. – Conan O’Brien

During his performance with A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes referred to President Trump as “President Agent Orange.” Then the Secret Service said, “Great, now he needs a new code name!” – Jimmy Fallon

During their Grammy performance last night, rap group A Tribe Called Quest referred to President Trump as President Agent Orange. It’s the closest Trump has come to being involved in Vietnam. – Seth Meyers

Scientists are hoping to use quinoa to fight world hunger. After hearing this, hungry people all around the world said, “Actually, we’re good.” – Conan O’Brien

At an international tennis match, U.S. officials accidentally played the Nazi national anthem. White House adviser Steve Bannon was outraged and said, “We’re not rolling that out till August — c’mon!” – Conan O’Brien

The U.S. Army has officially lifted its ban on soldiers having dreadlocks. This is good news for the Army’s elite Hacky Sack Corps. – Conan O’Brien

Today was Clean Out Your Computer Day. And, if you’re a 14-year-old boy, use bleach. – Seth Meyers