Political Irony

[Jokes from Feb. 28, 2017]

Tonight, President Trump is giving a prime-time speech before Congress. The speech will be on a 10-second delay so Trump can live-tweet about how great his speech is going. – Conan O’Brien

President Trump gave his first address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Now, our show tapes early, so we don’t know what happened, but I’ll bet the people who were there aren’t that sure what happened either. – Seth Meyers

Tonight President Trump gave his big speech to Congress. I saw that beforehand, Democrats came out with a “prebuttal” to counter some of Trump’s talking points. They say that they know what Trump’s going say before he says it — or as Trump put it, “Must be nice. I just open my mouth, and the best words come out.” – Jimmy Fallon

One of the big issues that was expected to come up was immigration. Former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a 3,500-word letter to Trump criticizing his immigration policy. When asked if he read the letter, Trump said, “I haven’t even read my immigration policy!” – Jimmy Fallon

During his interview on “Fox & Friends,” President Trump was unable to name a time when he felt he deserved criticism. Which is pretty surprising, since criticism is the only thing in his life he’s actually earned. – Seth Meyers

Trump’s new Commerce Secretary is the vice-chairman of a bank that’s owned by Vladimir Putin. You can tell the bank is owned by Putin, ’cuz both the pens AND the tellers are chained to the desk. – Jimmy Fallon

It seems like Trump’s been breaking with a lot of traditions since he took office. There’s speculation that President Trump could cancel the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Then he said, “Actually, I’m canceling ALL egg rolls, just to get back at China.” – Jimmy Fallon

It’s come out that 83-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s daily workout routine includes pushups, planks, and squats. Apparently she began seriously taking care of her health last November 9th. – Conan O’Brien

A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide. – Seth Meyers

Sunday night was the first time that Amazon took home Oscars, winning two for “Manchester by the Sea.” Although the CEO said, “With Amazon Prime, we could have gotten those Oscars last Tuesday.” – Conan O’Brien

According to a new study, cats may have more potential than dogs to sniff out bombs. They just won’t bother to tell you. – Seth Meyers

Scientists have found a way to grow human tissue on apples. Now the only thing left for them to discover is a REASON to grow human tissue on apples. – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from Feb. 27, 2017]

I thought Jimmy Kimmel did a great job hosting the Oscars — congrats to Jimmy, he’s always good. But did you see what happened at the end? Yeah, the producers of “La La Land” went up on stage after the movie was named Best Picture — then it was announced that they actually lost to “Moonlight”. And today, they joined a support group with the Atlanta Falcons and Hillary Clinton. – Jimmy Fallon

The Oscars went very well. We were chugging along. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, it turned into one of those Maury Povich paternity test shows. – Jimmy Kimmel

As I’m sure you know, “La La Land” was announced the winner of Best Picture, before it was revealed that there was a mix-up with the envelopes, and “Moonlight” was the actual winner. When this happened I bet Hillary Clinton was like, “Yeah, welcome to my world.” – James Corden

“Moonlight” won the Oscar for Best Picture last night after the award was mistakenly presented to “La La Land” due to an envelope mix-up. Yet another embarrassing defeat for perennial loser Ryan Gosling. – Seth Meyers

It was the weirdest TV finale since “Lost”. As I’m sure you’ve heard, “La La Land” was simultaneously somehow the biggest winner and loser last night. You know it’s a strange night when the word “envelope” is trending on Twitter. – Jimmy Kimmel

Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were the presenters that announced the wrong film. Basically they were the Sean Spicers of the Oscars. – James Corden

On the 50th anniversary of “Bonnie and Clyde,” the academy asked Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway to present Best Picture. So Warren and Faye come out with the envelope. In retrospect, what we know is Warren was confused, so he handed it to Faye and let her read it. In other words, Clyde threw Bonnie under the bus. – Jimmy Kimmel

During the “In Memoriam” segment they accidentally showed the picture of a woman who is still alive, an Australian producer named Jan Chapman. Which in a way is a much bigger story than “La La Land”. Sure, it’s bad to think you have won Best Picture when you didn’t. But how about being told you’re dead when you’re not? – James Corden

This would send me into a deep existential funk. I would be like, “Wait, I’m not dead. But am I truly living?” – James Corden

Last night, Mahershala Ali became the first Muslim actor to win an Oscar. Or as the Trump White House reported it, “Muslim Wields Heavy Blunt Object.” – Jimmy Fallon

On Friday, CNN, The New York Times, and BuzzFeed were blocked from participating in a media briefing with White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. CNN called it “unacceptable”, the Times called it “outrageous”, and BuzzFeed called it “one of the top seven things Trump did today that will blow your mind.” – Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, Vice President Mike Pence tweeted his support for Israel, but accidentally used an emoji of the Nicaraguan flag instead of the Israeli flag. The White House says there’s a perfectly good reason why he did it: Nobody knows what they’re doing. – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump said today that he is going to “save people” from Obamacare. Kinda like how that iceberg “rescued” the Titanic from having to go to New York. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Feb 23, 2017]

One of the big stories everyone’s talking about is the immigration debate. Pope Francis has actually been tweeting Bible references that oppose President Trump’s travel ban. You know you’re doing something wrong when you’re getting cyber bullied by the Pope. – Jimmy Fallon

The NYPD sent out a message today telling residents that despite President Trump’s executive order, New York City will remain a safe place for all immigrants. “I’m counting on it,” [shows photo of Melania Trump] said one immigrant. – Seth Meyer

Apple is criticizing Trump after he overturned the rule that lets transgender students use the bathroom of their choice. Apple says that regardless of your gender, everyone should be able to drop an iPhone into whichever toilet they want. – Jimmy Fallon

This was controversial, even within the administration. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos initially resisted signing off on it because of the potential harm that rescinding the protections could cause transgender students. But Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who has opposed expanding transgender rights, pushed DeVos to relent. “Aw, come on, Betsy, they won’t let me discriminate against black people. Just give me this one.” – Stephen Colbert

White House press secretary Sean Spicer yesterday denied that the administration’s order revoking LGBT protections sparked a disagreement between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. Spicer also denied that he got his job after putting a quarter in a machine and whispering, “I wish I were big.” – Seth Meyer

According to the administration this wasn’t about persecuting any group; it was strictly a legal concern [clip of Sean Spicer]: “The president has maintained for a long time that this is a states’ rights issue.” Oh, grow a pair! Is there a more cowardly phrase than “this is a states’ rights issue?” “Honey, do you like my new haircut?” “Uh, I’m gonna leave that decision up to the states.” – Stephen Colbert

This isn’t the only Obama action Trump’s rolling back. He’s going to repeal the Affordable Care Act, rescind environmental protections — he’s already replaced Michelle’s vegetable garden with a sandbox full of onion rings. – Stephen Colbert

The Conservative Political Action Conference kicked off today. This is a huge convention that Republicans attend, and this year they’ll have guest speakers like Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump. It’s basically two days of speeches followed by 19 days of fact checking. – James Corden

During the convention today, Kellyanne Conway shot back at her critics, saying it turns it out there are a lot of women who just have a problem with women in power — says the lady who lied for a year to make sure a woman didn’t become president. – James Corden

There are rumors that Russia’s compiling a psychological profile on Trump to help Putin get inside his head. You know, it’s so hard to get Trump to open up and talk about himself. He keeps a lot of stuff private. – Jimmy Fallon

John McCain actually praised Trump’s new national security adviser, H.R. McMaster, calling him an outstanding choice and a man of genuine intellect, character, and ability. Then Trump said, “In that case, forget it. Get me Steven Seagal.” – Jimmy Fallon

A new report projects that by 2020 the legal marijuana industry will create more than a quarter of a million jobs for people to be late to. – Seth Meyer