Political Irony

The White House announced a new hotline to help victims or witnesses report crimes committed by undocumented immigrants.

You know, because 911 wasn’t enough. Well, unless if your goal was to foster racism and xenophobia. After all, studies have shown that illegal immigrants are far less likely to commit crimes than native-born Americans (other than the crime of being an illegal alien).

The internet to the rescue! The following tweet went out: “Wouldn’t it be a shame if millions of people called this hotline to report their encounters with aliens of the UFO-variety.” And just like that, the phone line was overwhelmed by people reporting crimes committed by martians and other little green men from outer space. Even Superman was reported for being an undocumented immigrant.

But then it got even funnier. Someone reported an illegal alien (orange colored and wearing a bathrobe) who was impersonating the US president. Another reported being victimized by first lady Melania Trump.

[Jokes from Mar. 9, 2017]

New research says that Neanderthals used to relieve pain by chewing on a plant containing the main ingredient in aspirin. Or as that’s now being called, “the Republican healthcare plan.” – Conan O’Brien

The GOP’s new healthcare bill cleared its first hurdle early this morning, when it was passed by the House Ways and Means Committee, after roughly 18 hours of debate. And anyone who’s spent 18 hours trying to pass something knows what you get at the end. – Stephen Colbert

Apparently, members were up until 4:00 a.m., which might explain why things got a little loopy. – Stephen Colbert

President Trump is working to drum up support from Republicans for the Obamacare replacement they’ve been working on. Tonight, he invited 100 of them to come bowling at the White House. For real, it’s a pizza and bowling night, part of what they’re calling the president’s charm offensive. He can be very charming AND very offensive. So he puts those together. – Jimmy Kimmel

Like these late night musings from Rep. Jason Smith: “You could tax a lot of different items if you want to stop behavior. You know, I love ice cream. Ice cream is probably not the healthiest thing to eat. Why is there not a tax on that? You know what, if you look at the No. 1 cause of skin cancer, it is not tanning beds. Do a Google search: It is the sun. Why have they not proposed a tax on the sun?” – Stephen Colbert

So if you’re worried about losing your healthcare, don’t worry! It’s safely in the hands of the guy who’s up all night googling “why don’t we tax the sun?” – Stephen Colbert

Today, Scott Pruitt, the new head of the Environmental Protection Agency, went against the entire scientific community by saying that carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warning. I will go out on a limb here and say that this guy may not be the best choice to head up the EPA. Because not only can he not see the forest through the trees, he wants to cut down all the trees and build a Cinnabon. – James Corden

In other recent appointment news, Donald Trump elected his ambassador to Russia — former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman. This is great news for Trump. He finally has someone in his administration who is actually supposed to meet with the Russians. – James Corden

Jon Huntsman’s first job as ambassador will be to exchange gifts with his Russian counterpart. And that’s tough, because what do you give somebody who already gave you the White House? You can’t just hand over an edible arrangement. – James Corden

The people are really excited about this appointment. There is even going to be a movie about Jon Huntsman joining the Trump administration. It’s called “So White and the Huntsman,” coming soon to an IMAX near you. – James Corden

Disney has announced that its upcoming live-action “Aladdin” movie is going to feature Middle Eastern actors. Filming will begin in May, or whenever the actors are no longer detained at the airport. – Conan O’Brien

Hawaii is suing President Trump over his latest travel ban. In response, President Trump is suing Hawaii for “being hard to spell”. – Conan O’Brien

For the second time, RadioShack has filed for bankruptcy. Experts say if RadioShack goes bankrupt one more time, it can officially run for president. – Conan O’Brien

Many years after dropping out of Harvard, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is going back to get an honorary degree. Zuckerberg said he would have gone back sooner, but even he can’t afford college these days. – Conan O’Brien

I thought we might start the show with a little bit of geography. So here’s a map of the United States [showing] the most sexually diseased states. Now, as a general rule, the state with the most STDs is traditionally whichever state where “The Bachelor” is shooting, but not in this case. – Jimmy Kimmel

California finished 16th, which is better than I thought we would do. You know, Charlie Sheen lives here. – Jimmy Kimmel

But the No. 1 most sexually diseased state is, fortunately, not attached to us. It is Alaska. And the reason they have the most STDs in Alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens? – Jimmy Kimmel

But it’s a serious thing, and the Centers for Disease Control reminds you, still the best way to avoid contracting an STD is to get really into Dungeons and Dragons in high school. – Jimmy Kimmel

[Jokes from Mar. 8, 2017]

Today’s the day when we celebrate women, a lot of women going on strike today, and they’re calling it “A Day Without Women.” Or as it is known in the Trump White House, a day. – James Corden

For President Trump, every day is a day without a woman because his wife still lives in New York. At the White House, you know, a day without a woman is also called a Cabinet meeting. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump wrote some beautiful things about women today. He tweeted, “I have tremendous respect for women and the many roles they serve. They are vital to the fabric of our society and our economy.” He didn’t write that. But that’s nice. No way he wrote that. I don’t know if Ivanka had his phone today or what. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today for International Women’s Day, women across the country protested by refusing to work. That’s a true story. That’s what happened today. In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me. – Conan O’Brien

I’ll admit I’m not exactly clear on what “A Day Without a Woman” is supposed to mean, exactly. Women make up half the population, of course a day without them is going to be a mess. It seems like that goes without saying, right? Does anyone — hold on a second. Let me find out here. [takes out iPhone] Siri, what is “A Day Without a Woman?” [Siri audio:] “I’m sorry, I don’t work for you today. Go [bleep] yourself.” – Jimmy Kimmel

I want to take a moment to recognize and acknowledge International Women’s Day, which was marked today with a march on Washington, D.C., and a nationwide protest that was titled “A Day Without a Woman”. The idea was to show the world what it would be like without women. I’ll tell you something, I have some experience in this area. I went years without a woman. It was terrible, I don’t recommend it. – Jimmy Kimmel

Last night in New York City, the Statue of Liberty went dark for an hour due to an unplanned power outage. So it looks like New York got a head start on their “Day Without Women.” Of course, when Trump heard there was a dark woman from France outside New York City, he immediately tried to have her deported. – James Corden

When asked for an official statement, the statue just said that she wanted some me time. – James Corden

In honor of International Women’s Day, Snapchat added famous women to their selfie lenses. Snapchat called it the perfect way to honor the enduring contributions of women for 10 seconds. – Conan O’Brien

According to a recent poll, first lady Melania Trump’s approval rating has increased to 52 percent since President Trump’s inauguration. And her “feel sorry for her rating” is over 90 percent. – Conan O’Brien

At the White House yesterday, President Trump popped out from behind a screen and surprised a group of children. It was officially the least frightening thing Trump has done since he took office. – Conan O’Brien

Another big story today is that WikiLeaks has published thousands of CIA documents detailing the agency’s secret hacking capabilities. The CIA is furious. They say armed with this information, anyone could hack the U.S. Now I’m not too worried about this. I mean what’s the worst thing that could happen? Russians hack the election and make a reality TV star the president, I mean — come on. – James Corden

The leak described a project called Weeping Angel that allows spy agencies to turn smart TVs into listening devices. I love the name Weeping Angels, don’t you? Sounds like an ’80s metal hair band. Good evening, Cleveland, we are Weeping Angels! – James Corden

But this is serious, guys. Any smart TV could be a listening device. You guys, you realize they could be recording us right now. I don’t want this getting out there where the public can see it. That’s why I make a TV show at 12:37 a.m. – James Corden

A group of Republicans revealed their plan to repeal and replace Obamacare. Pete Sessions has a healthcare plan of his own. I do know a catchy title when I see one. He calls it — this is 100 percent real — he calls it the world’s greatest healthcare plan of 2017. You can’t vote no on the world’s greatest healthcare plan of 2017. You’d have to be an idiot. This guy is smart. – Jimmy Kimmel

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Day 3 of “Healthcare Plan 2: Repeal and Revenge — This Time It’s Republican.” It took the GOP forever to release this thing. They’re the George R.R. Martins of health care. And just like in “Game of Thrones,” a lot of your favorite characters are going to die without warning. – Stephen Colbert

You want to get Donald Trump’s attention? Just say something is the best. His hotel, the greatest. The hotels are the greatest, the vodka was the greatest, steaks of the best. If he finds out this healthcare plan is the greatest, he might even, I don’t know, marry it or something. – Jimmy Kimmel

A new study reveals Americans are getting fatter and giving up on their diets. The study was conducted by going to a water park for five minutes. – Conan O’Brien

Researchers have developed a new smart tattoo that can monitor your health. There’s also a smart tramp stamp that will tell you you have chlamydia. – Conan O’Brien

Trump’s No. 1 concern right now is securing our borders, and we finally know how he’s going to pay for it, because according to the Office of Management and Budget, Trump plans “deep cuts in airport and rail security.” That is shocking — there’s such a thing as rail security? If so, they should investigate Amtrak bathrooms. Those things look like a crime scene. – Stephen Colbert

But when it comes to cutbacks, “the Coast Guard would bear the brunt, seeing its budget cut by $1.3 billion.” The Coast Guard? Who does Trump think protects the waters around Mar-a-Lago, laser-sighted manatees? – Stephen Colbert

Trump’s paying for his immigration program by cutting funds to the Coast Guard, airport and rail security. Great. So, we’re fine as long as nobody tries to get into America by sea, air, or land. – Stephen Colbert

Yesterday the New York Times revealed Trump had a meeting in the Oval Office last week with Harvey Levin from TMZ. The owner and public face of the news organization best known for screaming questions at drunk celebrities on the sidewalk met with the president of the United States for an hour last week. What could those two possibly need to talk about for an hour? Is there a terrorist plot against Taylor Swift we need to know about? Is ISIS after Louis from One Direction? – Jimmy Kimmel

[Jokes from Mar. 7, 2017]

Yesterday, House Republicans unveiled their new healthcare plan intended to replace Obamacare. Oh yeah, it’s brilliant. The previous healthcare plan was nicknamed “Obamacare,” and if this new plan doesn’t work, it will be nicknamed “Obama’s Fault”. – James Corden

House Republicans have unveiled their much-anticipated new healthcare plan that’s supposed to replace Obamacare. Here’s what we know about it so far: The new plan stresses personal responsibility. For too long Americans have relied on other people, like doctors and nurses, for their healthcare. – Jimmy Kimmel

This is already making a little bit of controversy. Jason Chaffetz says poor people need to choose between healthcare or a new iPhone. And just like a Samsung Galaxy 7, that comment blew up in his face. – James Corden

Did I hear him correctly? Is he saying health insurance costs the same as a phone? Hey Jason, a phone isn’t supposed to literally cost you an arm and a leg. His comment was cold. Even Siri was like, “Are you not a human being?” – James Corden

But the real problem is he’s talking to the American people like he’s talking to his own kids. “Well, maybe if you mowed lawns over the summer like I told you, you could afford that new kidney that you wanted.” – James Corden

This week, Wisconsin is hosting the U.S. Cheese Championship. Once again, the winner is expected to be “Heart Disease”. – Conan O’Brien

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard”. Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” – Conan O’Brien

Today, President Trump welcomed the first group of new visitors to the White House since he became president. It was a little awkward, because one of them was Melania. – Conan O’Brien

Let’s talk now about the issue that’s really tearing America apart: Donald Trump’s tie. Yesterday new photos surfaced that show Donald Trump holds his tie together with Scotch tape. Is that what he meant when he said Obama was taping him? – James Corden

Sean Spicer announced that the prime minister of Iraq will visit the White House in two weeks. Actually he arrived today, but he’s going to be detained for two weeks at the airport. – Conan O’Brien

I hate to bring anybody down but I have a little pin to put in our collective balloon. U.S. News and World Report released their annual ranking of the best countries in the world, and the United States — you know how we always say we’re No. 1? Turns out we’re not No. 1. That honor goes to Switzerland. Switzerland was named the best country in the world, based on several factors including power, quality of life, economic influence, and tiny little army knife production. – Jimmy Kimmel

The U.S. dropped from fourth to seventh. Canada is No. 2. Which I think means we’re going to have to build a wall up there too, I’m sorry. – Jimmy Kimmel

Sweden came in sixth. One ahead of us, Sweden — which, come on. There’s no way we rank below a country where you have to assemble your own furniture. I just don’t buy it. – Jimmy Kimmel

Tomorrow, there’s a protest across the country known as “A Day Without Women”. In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without Women” all through my 20s. – Conan O’Brien