Political Irony

[Jokes from Mar. 22, 2017]

A big story today came out that Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, worked for a Russian billionaire and helped promote Vladimir Putin’s agenda. Manafort quit when he realized he could just work for an American billionaire and achieve the same thing. – Jimmy Fallon

It turns out Manafort was paid $10 million to advocate for Putin. Trump was furious. He said, “That’s more than he pays me.” – Jimmy Fallon

Just imagine Trump running into his lawyers: “Hey guys, forget about Russia. We have got a bigger problem. There’s a little girl on the internet and she is making cat memes.” When asked about the website, Trump said, “You can’t just go around tarnishing someone’s good name. I would say more, but that traitor Obama has been wiretapping me.” – James Corden

Today, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch was grilled about his stance on torture. And after just five minutes of questioning, Gorsuch broke down and told them everything. – Conan O’Brien

Meanwhile, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch started his confirmation hearings this week, and he said that he has his law students think about their legacies by having them write an obituary about themselves. Yeah. Incidentally, that’s also part of the Republican healthcare plan. – Jimmy Fallon

At this point, it appears the Republican healthcare plan is going to die on the floor of the House. Coincidentally, dying on the floor of the house happens to be the Republican healthcare plan. – Conan O’Brien

For weeks now, Republicans have been pushing their Obamacare replacement plan. But the bill has a pre-existing condition: Everybody hates it! – Stephen Colbert

According to a new report, the average health insurance deductible is projected to be over $1,500 higher under the Republican plan to replace Obamacare. And the only way that’s good news is if hearing it gave you a heart attack now, while it’s cheaper. – Seth Meyers

The failing healthcare bill isn’t Trump’s only problem. Last week, two federal judges ruled against Trump’s second travel ban. Apparently, when Donald Trump heard about the ruling, he was upset. So, this is true, “White House officials tried to cheer the president up by showing him a segment on Greta Van Susteren’s show, which argued the Supreme Court would never uphold the ruling.” – Stephen Colbert

They treat the president the same way you treat a 5-year-old throwing a tantrum. “Honey, honey, calm down. Look, look, we got ‘Frozen’. We got the CD for ‘Frozen’. Let’s put it in there.” – Stephen Colbert

But if positive coverage helps calm down the big angry man with the launch codes, I say do it. I want to help. That’s why I had The Late Show’s in-house news team, “Real News Tonight,” make a new report that the White House can play at any time. – Stephen Colbert

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said yesterday that President Trump is looking to reaffirm America’s commitment to NATO. Spicer said, “Trump will do everything in his power to find out what NATO stands for.” – Seth Meyers

Trump’s kids, Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric, took their families on a ski trip to Aspen. Which was fun ’til they said, “Wait. If we’re all here, who’s watching Dad?” “Uh, let’s go. Get on a plane right now.” – Jimmy Fallon

In May, President Trump is going to give the commencement address at a Christian university. Trump’s speech will be entitled, “If Jesus Is So Great, Why Does He Have a Mexican Name?” – Conan O’Brien

President Trump met with a Congressional Black Caucus today. And before the meeting, Attorney General Jeff Sessions picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1, just in case. – Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, Muslims are the religious group most satisfied with life in America. When asked why, Muslims said, “That travel ban totally kept our in-laws from visiting.” – Conan O’Brien

Meanwhile, one of Trump’s appointees, Rex Tillerson, made a surprising statement when he told reporters that he didn’t want to be secretary of state, but accepted the job because his wife told him it was something he was supposed to do. Yeah. That’s the attitude you want representing the country, isn’t it? “Hello, Mr. Prime Minister, I’m Rex Tillerson. I’m only here because my wife made me come.” – James Corden

A new study has found three new substances in addition to catnip that will get cats high. And they are marijuana, crack, and heroin. – Seth Meyers

Amazon Prime has made it possible to have beer and wine delivered to your home by Alexa. All you have to do is say the phrase, “Alexa, Daddy’s sad.” – Conan O’Brien

In international news, police in Italy have arrested 10 people for stealing more than $250,000 in fine wine and gourmet cheese. Yes, their motive is they were hosting a book club. – James Corden

The police sting that caught them was named Operation Wine and Cheese. They stole $110,000-worth of cheese. When the police caught them, they said the thieves were armed and extremely constipated. – James Corden

[Jokes from Mar. 21, 2017]

FBI Director James Comey confirmed that the agency is examining possible ties between Russia and President Trump’s campaign. When asked if they’d found anything yet, Comey said [NODDING YES], “I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation.” – Jimmy Fallon

However, Comey refused to say whether Trump himself was being investigated. It’s part of his policy not to comment on ongoing investigations … that don’t involve Hillary Clinton. – Jimmy Fallon

As you’d expect, there’s a lot of material to go through, and Comey said there’s no timetable for when the FBI will finish. Then Putin said, “It’s like the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ of investigations. When you think it will end … it does not.” – Jimmy Fallon

The Kremlin today dismissed allegations of Russia interference in the election, [shows photo of Trump] and so did the gremlin. – Seth Meyers

Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting an office in the White House in addition to security clearance and government-issued communication devices. Even more unbelievable, so is Donald Trump. – Seth Meyers

Ivanka Trump is getting an office at the White House and she’s getting top-level security clearance. She will take a position in the White House where she’ll draw upon her 20 years of foreign and domestic policy experience that she gained selling sandals to Nordstrom. – Jimmy Kimmel

Her office is on the second floor of the West Wing, not far from the Oval Office. I suspect they put her there so somebody can run and grab her in case her father decides to nuke anything. She might be the only one he’ll listen to. – Jimmy Kimmel

Ivanka Trump is getting an office in the West Wing despite previously stating she would not take a formal role in her father’s administration. The administration has said Ivanka is going to act as her father’s “eyes and ears”, which basically means she’s going to be walking around the White House saying, “I’m telling Dad!” – James Corden

I’m glad Ivanka is going to be her father’s “eyes and ears.” Now all we need is for her to take over his mouth, and his tweeting thumb. – James Corden

Her role is that she will serve as her father’s “eyes and ears” at the White House. He doesn’t need that. He needs somebody to be his thumbs so he can stop tweeting. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today is the 11th birthday of Twitter. That’s right folks, 11 years ago, Donald Trump was just writing crazy things on Post-It notes. – Conan O’Brien

Meanwhile, poor Tiffany Trump can’t even get the White House WiFi password. – Jimmy Kimmel

The president was in Louisville, Kentucky, last night. He held a rally there. Why, I’m not sure — he might be trying to sell hats he had left over from the campaign. – Jimmy Kimmel

In the meantime, Trump’s keeping busy. Today, he signed a bill authorizing nearly $20 billion in funding for NASA. You know — as long as they find a way to project his face onto the moon. – Jimmy Fallon

Today President Trump gave NASA $19.5 billion to develop a manned mission to Mars. President Trump said he wants to see if Mars can sustain life and a casino. – Conan O’Brien

President Trump signed a funding bill today that supports NASA’s efforts to explore deep space and lay the groundwork for a human mission to Mars. [shows photo of Hillary] “Ooh, me first!” said one volunteer. – Seth Meyers

It’s being reported that Donald Trump campaign adviser Roger Stone has a tattoo of Richard Nixon across his shoulders. And get this — ladies, he’s single. – Conan O’Brien

Disney World has agreed to pay $3.8 million to workers who were making less than minimum wage and had to pay for their own costumes. That works out to around $238 per person, which is almost enough to buy a bottle of water at Disney World. – James Corden

I guess at Disney World, if Cinderella loses her glass slipper, a prince doesn’t bring it to her. They just take it out of her next paycheck. – James Corden

Passengers on foreign airlines traveling to the U.S. from 10 airports in Muslim-majority countries have been barred from carrying electronic devices larger than a cellphone. Seems extreme, but it’s worth it if it stops even one tourist from taking pictures with an iPad. – Seth Meyers

A robot has been taught how to write rap songs by being fed more than 6,000 Kanye West lyrics. The problem is, now the robot thinks it’s God. – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from Mar. 16, 2017]

President Trump released his proposed budget today. The title of the budget is “America First: A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again.” Seems like maybe while they were cutting things, they could have cut a few words out of the title. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump’s proposed budget would cut funding for public broadcasting. Which may explain why Elmo is turning tickles on the street now. – Seth Meyers

There are a lot of cuts in the plan. PBS, Meals on Wheels, the National Endowment for the Arts would be cut. The guy who has three oil paintings of himself in his bathroom wants to cut the National Endowment for the Arts. Meals on Wheels is out, but don’t worry, the golf trips to Mar-a-Lago every weekend, those will not stop. – Jimmy Kimmel

Before he gets rid of “Sesame Street,” I think we should make the president watch it a couple of times. That show teaches so many things he needs to know — which thing is bigger than the other, how to spell, the importance of telling the truth and sharing, listening to others, maybe throw in some “Schoolhouse Rock” — he can find out how government works. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today was the start of March Madness. That’s right, President Trump released his new budget today. – Seth Meyers

There’s a lot of lead-up to March Madness, but for half the teams, the tournament ends very abruptly. Sixteen teams were eliminated today. Maybe you wanted to win, but the good news is, now you get to return to your studies. Which is why you go to college in the first place. – Jimmy Kimmel

You guys have all been watching the March Madness games — that’s why we’re on a little later tonight. So, drunk people just getting home: Welcome to the show. And senior citizens sitting down to breakfast: Good morning. – James Corden

They say American businesses will lose more than $2 billion in productivity because of the tournament. If that’s true, we should probably get rid of it, right? Can you imagine if Donald Trump canceled the NCAA tournament? Then we’d see some marches. – Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked the president’s new travel ban, which is supposed to have gone into effect at midnight. That is really amazing to me — they have judges in Hawaii? – Jimmy Kimmel

It’s another setback for President Trump. Last night, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked a second version of his travel ban, and now Trump says that he’ll bring it to the Supreme Court. And if they block it, he said he’s going to bring it to the Justice League. – Jimmy Fallon

Technically right now is Friday, and that means today is St. Patrick’s Day. I read that Americans could spend over $5 billion for St. Patrick’s Day this year. Yeah, that’s JUST on bail money. – James Corden

It is almost St. Patrick’s Day. I saw that today, Ireland’s prime minister visited the White House and gave Trump a bowl filled with shamrocks. And Trump was like, “Where are the tiny marshmallows? How am I supposed to eat this without any milk?” – Jimmy Fallon

Trump met with the prime minister of Ireland. He even recited an Irish proverb. Take a listen to this [clip of Trump reciting]: “Always remember to forget the friends that proved untrue, but never forget to remember those that have stuck by you.” [Fallon imitates Trump:] “I do not like the judge who blocked my travel ban. I do not like him, Trump I am.” – Jimmy Fallon

While he was in Tennessee yesterday, Trump gave a speech from the estate of former President Andrew Jackson. Trump may have been confused because he also praised Andrew Jackson’s brothers Michael, Jermaine, Randy, and Tito. – Jimmy Fallon

The live action version of “Beauty and the Beast” opens tomorrow. It’s the story of a beautiful woman from a small village who falls for a selfish, disgusting monster who lives in a palace filled with gold. Melania Trump is calling it the feel-good movie of the year. – Jimmy Kimmel

On Thursday morning, the Twitter account for McDonald’s tweeted this: “Donald Trump, you are actually a disgusting excuse of a president and we would love to have Barack Obama back, also you have tiny hands.” Who would have thought? Now it turned out that the account was hacked, but still, I’ve got to say: Ba-da-ba-ba-bah, I’m lovin’ it. – James Corden

McDonald’s said today its corporate Twitter account had been hacked after a tweet went out calling President Trump a “disgusting excuse of a president.” I guess breakfast isn’t the ONLY thing they’re serving all day. – Seth Meyers

Even though McDonald’s deleted the tweet and issued a retraction, the White House is furious. And they are already calling for Mayor McCheese to step down. – James Corden

President Trump yesterday suggested that Chief of Staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Oh my God, does Trump think his name is Prius? – Seth Meyers

In an interview yesterday with Fox News, President Trump said he might not be president if it wasn’t for Twitter. Dude, you said that to Fox News? That’s like telling your dad that your hero is your friend’s dad. – Seth Meyers

Meanwhile, yesterday Trump’s Attorney General Jeff Sessions referred to marijuana as, quote, “only slightly less awful than heroin.” Only slightly less awful — I mean, is he on crack? – James Corden

Workers at a Goodwill store in Washington state got a big surprise when they opened a donated cooler and inside they found $24,000 worth of marijuana. GOODwill? More like AWESOMEwill. – James Corden

In Monroe, Washington, there’s a mystery to be solved. Someone made a very unique donation to the Goodwill store up there — a cooler containing five large bags of marijuana, weighing a total of 60 ounces. Almost four pounds, like $20,000 worth of pot, was left in; they assume it was left in there by mistake. What are the odds a pot smoker would forget he stashed weed in a cooler? – Jimmy Kimmel

There were five giant bags of marijuana in the cooler. And when he found them, the Goodwill worker immediately turned over the three bags he found to the police. The police then gave the 1 ounce of marijuana they found to the chief, who went to the commissioner and said, “Look, we found a joint!” – James Corden

Hillary Clinton is reportedly still considering a run for mayor of New York City. And, weirdly, this time she IS campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin. Fool me once, right? – Seth Meyers

Stephen Colbert gives the interview with Donald Trump that we would all love to hear.

[Jokes from Mar. 14, 2017]

President Trump yesterday described the discussions over the Republican health plan as a, quote, “big, fat, beautiful negotiation.” Well, he’s making progress. It’s the first time he’s ever described anything as fat AND beautiful. – Seth Meyers

The entire Northeast is being hit by Winter Storm Stella, the first blizzard of 2017. Of course, now that Obamacare is getting repealed, it’s nice to see something’s still covering half the country. – Conan O’Brien

We were supposed to get up to 2 feet of snow, but it turned to sleet early — just cold and brittle, right in your face. It reminded me of Kellyanne Conway. – Stephen Colbert

Thousands of flights were canceled today due to a powerful winter storm. Either that or Trump’s new travel ban is for all of us. – Seth Meyers

If you are away on spring break, have fun, do whatever you need to do. Don’t forget Congress is about to take away your healthcare, so if you’re going to do something dumb, do it now while it’s still covered. – Jimmy Kimmel

Last night was the big finale of “The Bachelor.” Nick wound up getting engaged to Vanessa, a teacher from Canada. Nick didn’t plan on marrying Vanessa, but after seeing the GOP healthcare plan, moving to Canada was the logical decision. – Jimmy Fallon

But despite the engagement, it’s hard to say what Nick’s future holds, if you think about it. I mean, he’s a reality star who has married an immigrant he barely knows and — oh, my God, he’s going to be president of the United States. – Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the season finale of ABC’s “The Bachelor.” And tonight is the season premiere of “The Bachelor” spinoff, “Herpes in Paradise.” So check that out. It’s a good one. – Conan O’Brien

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced yesterday that Donald Trump would be donating his presidential salary to a charity at the end of the year. Credit where credit is due — Trump is getting pretty creative in the ways he’s refusing to pay his taxes. – James Corden

Spicer said not only will Trump donate his salary, he would love for White House reporters to determine “where it should go”. Unfortunately, where they suggested it should go is not a place that I can say on television. – James Corden

But seriously, how great would it be if the reporters all chose Planned Parenthood? – James Corden

A woman confronted White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer in an Apple Store this weekend. Not sure where he was in the Apple Store, but safe to say, not at the Genius Bar. – Seth Meyers

Press Secretary Sean Spicer says that President Trump didn’t literally mean that President Obama wiretapped him. He also said Donald Trump didn’t literally mean for people to vote for him. That was not the idea. – Conan O’Brien

Trump’s adviser, Kellyanne Conway, gave a TV interview on Sunday and people noticed that she displays a photo of herself in her living room. This is true. Take a look at the photo just there. Wow, her microwave takes great pictures! – James Corden

Who has a framed picture of themselves, on their own, in their living room? She should change her name from Kellyanne Conway to Kellyanne Kanye. – James Corden

White House strategist Steve Bannon is under criminal investigation for voter fraud. Reportedly he voted last year in Florida while still technically a resident of 1930s Germany. Can’t have it both ways. – Conan O’Brien

It came out last night that Rex Tillerson used an email alias while he was CEO of Exxon to discuss climate change on the sly. So in the Trump administration, you can be a sexist, or a white supremacist, but you’re gonna want to keep your science talk on the D.L. – Stephen Colbert

Vladimir Putin is reportedly frustrated by the lack of progress in U.S.-Russian diplomacy since President Trump took office. He’s not happy. In fact, Putin is so frustrated, today he called Trump and threatened to fire him. – Conan O’Brien

Today, President Trump had lunch with a Saudi prince. Trump told the Saudi prince, “We have a lot in common. My wife doesn’t leave the house, either.” – Conan O’Brien

I read about a marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles that doubles as an art gallery. Yep. Patrons stare at the art for hours before being told, “Sir, that’s an exit sign.” – Jimmy Fallon

An Ohio couple was arrested for faking their own murder. People grew suspicious when the couple changed their Facebook status to “We’ve been murdered.” Sad! – Conan O’Brien

An Oregon man led police on a 10-mile, high-speed chase on Sunday in a stolen street sweeper truck. On the bright side, by the time he was arrested, his community service was done. – Seth Meyers

Every year they do studies about all the money companies lose because their employees are watching the basketball tournament instead of working. That may have been true in 1995, but if your employees are wasting time watching basketball, they’d be wasting time on Instagram and Facebook. That’s just how it is. Wasting time is our full-time job now. – Jimmy Kimmel

New research just came out that finds that consuming potatoes and alcohol can lower your sperm count. So, fellas, this St. Patrick’s Day could be our last. – Conan O’Brien

Police in South Carolina charged a substitute teacher last week for allegedly being drunk while in class. Students realized she was drunk after she kept referring to lunch period as “Miller time.” – Seth Meyers