Even hyper-partisan conservative Republican cartoonists like Glenn McCoy seem to be unhappy with Donald Trump. However, Trump’s support among his base actually went up a little after firing FBI director Comey. Who are these people who ardently support Trump?
[Jokes from Mar. 30, 2017]
The White House says President Trump will not throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. Apparently Trump was afraid of hurting his tweeting arm. – Jimmy Fallon
Actually, they said Trump had to cancel because of a scheduling conflict. When asked if they could change the date of the game, the Nationals said, “We already did so he wouldn’t come.” – Jimmy Fallon
As of this afternoon, over 300,000 people have signed a petition calling for first lady Melania Trump to either pay for her own security costs at Trump Tower in New York, or move into the White House. Said Melania, “And who do I make the check out to?” – Seth Meyers
President Trump’s daughter Ivanka is going to have her own office in the White House. So finally, we’ve got a woman named Trump who actually wants to be in the White House. – Conan O’Brien
Ivanka Trump and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos visited the National Air and Space museum. Ivanka spoke to employees while Betsy played with the snow globes in the gift shop. – Jimmy Fallon
Michael Flynn, President Trump’s former national security adviser, announced today that he is willing to testify to the FBI on the Russian investigation in exchange for immunity. When she heard about this, Ivanka Trump picked up her box of belongings and started slowly backing out of the White House. – James Corden
Now, we don’t know the scope of the story yet. But it is not coming from Rachel Maddow so it could be important and real. – James Corden
Not only is Flynn willing to talk for immunity, he is also coming out with a new book, “The Art of the Squeal”. – James Corden
It’s come out that Russia probably tried to meddle with our election and may have tried to undermine the presidential campaign of Marco Rubio. In other words, Russia stepped back and did nothing. – Conan O’Brien
Today, Vladimir Putin denied meddling in our presidential election. Not helping was that Putin made the statement from behind the desk in the Oval Office. – Conan O’Brien
President Trump will meet with the president of China next week to discuss Trump’s claims about China’s unfair trade practices. Which means we’re about two weeks away from having to call these [fortune cookies] “freedom cookies”. – Seth Meyers
The Trump administration is making some changes to the White House website. We got a sneak preview to show you tonight. There’s a new section called “Insult Our Allies,” and it gives you the option to type in a country, then it shows you what Trump would tweet at them. Let’s see what happens when you type in France — a tweet that says, “French fries are overrated. Tater tots all the way. #MakeAmericaTateAgain.” – Jimmy Fallon
Scientists have proven that you can grow potatoes on Mars. When they heard this, half of America said, “Wait, a planet with no Trump and french fries? When do we go? Let’s get out of here! Let’s go!” – Conan O’Brien
Vice President Mike Pence today cast a tie-breaking vote to eliminate a rule that blocks states from defunding Planned Parenthood, because Mike Pence only approves of one type of birth control — his personality. – Seth Meyers
A Gallup poll has just been released that shows that Donald Trump’s approval rating has fallen to a historic first-year low of 35 percent. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, just one more example of Trump beating Obama. – James Corden
Hawaii’s TSA recently seized a so-called “stun cane” from a passenger that is capable of delivering a 1 million-volt shock. To get an idea of what a 1 million-volt shock feels like, just remember what it was like to wake up on Nov. 9. – Seth Meyers
I have a new job and I’ll be traveling quite a bit. In fact, I’ll be on the road for a week starting today. So some things might be a bit sporadic in here.
Sometimes I wish I could just ignore the news for a week, and when I come back, Trump would have quit. I think both he and the country would be much better off that way.
It seems like Republican politicians care more about the Republican Party than about the Republic.
[Jokes from Mar. 29, 2017]
Today we learned that Trump is violating another norm because he won’t throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ opening day. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s worried his hands are too small to palm a baseball. – Stephen Colbert
President Trump turned down a chance to throw out the opening day pitch for the Washington Nationals. Turned it down! For some reason, Trump doesn’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of large Hispanic men holding baseball bats. – Conan O’Brien
Since Taft, every president, other than Jimmy Carter, has thrown out the first pitch of the season opener. For God’s sake. That means FDR did it! Let that sink in! Not only did FDR beat Hitler in World War II, he also struck him out. – Stephen Colbert
Here we go, America! Trump won’t throw out the first pitch. What else? He won’t go to the Correspondents’ Dinner. He won’t release his tax returns. He won’t put his business in a blind trust. He doesn’t want to live in D.C. What presidential tradition will Trump abandon next? This Thanksgiving, those turkeys better run. – Stephen Colbert
President Trump told senators yesterday that they would make a deal on healthcare because “that’s such an easy one.” OK, well, just make sure your healthcare plan covers amnesia. – Seth Meyers
In New York, Donald Trump’s childhood home has been sold for over $2 million. The buyer was told, “Imagine owning the very room where Trump’s daddy never hugged him.” – Conan O’Brien
First lady Melania Trump spoke today at the State Department. Well, technically, all she said was, “Sanctuary!” – Seth Meyers
In a new interview, Trump’s son-in-law and top adviser Jared Kushner said the government should be run like a company where the citizens are the customers. And people said, “Well, in that case we have a president we’d like to exchange.” – Jimmy Fallon
Crayola is retiring one of its 24 crayon colors for first time in 100 years. They’re announcing its replacement on Friday and they’re trying to make the new color a bit more relevant to 2017. For example, politics is dominating the news, so Crayola is considering “Presidential Orange.” – Jimmy Fallon
They might honor Trump’s entire cabinet with “Super White”. To honor the GOP healthcare bill there’s “Paul Ryan Blue-It.” Democrats are proposing the new color “Im-Peach-Ment.” They even let Education Secretary Betsy DeVos name her own crayon, “This Is the Chewiest Popsicle I’ve Ever Eaten Red.” – Jimmy Fallon
It’s come out that several of Donald Trump’s businesses have ties to the Russian mafia. So, if you’re keeping track, we’re officially up to season three of “The Sopranos” right now. – Conan O’Brien
Hillary Clinton is back in the news. She gave a big speech in San Francisco last night and encouraged her supporters to, “Resist, insist, persist and enlist.” And she pointed to herself and said, “Still pissed.” – Jimmy Fallon
Congress voted to allow internet service providers to sell their customers’ web data without permission. I’ll just give all the viewers at home a moment to clear their browser history. – James Corden
Anyone here use the internet? You might want to knock it off because Congress has now voted to allow internet providers sell your web-browsing history. Now might be a good time to clear your browser history. Just hit that button, or … pull the lever? I don’t know, I’ve never used it. I’ve got nothing to hide. I burned my computer this morning. – Stephen Colbert
Yesterday, the House of Representatives voted to get rid of internet privacy rules. Members cast their vote, then immediately ran home to delete their browser histories. – Conan O’Brien
I have to admit this does make me a little nervous. I thought my web data was strictly between me and the Domino’s pizza tracker app. – James Corden
Aren’t we passed this point now? Our phones are already spying on all of us. Today I just looked at a bowl of fruit and two minutes later my Facebook page was covered with ads for Banana Republic. – James Corden
This bill has been passed by the House and the Senate and will now go to Trump for signing. And Trump says he is going to sign it, because remember, privacy only matters when we are talking about his tax returns. – James Corden
Britain began the process of leaving the EU today, and the leader of the European Council responded to the move by saying, “I will not pretend I am happy.” Which makes sense, as that’s more of a British thing. – Seth Meyers
A new study reports that older women are doing more and more binge drinking. I asked my mom if that was true and she said, “I love you, man.” – Conan O’Brien
According to a new poll, President Vladimir Putin’s approval rating among Russians is above 80 percent. Of course, that’s largely because he conducted the poll in person. – Seth Meyers
Arby’s is facing multiple lawsuits currently, after a data breach exposed the credit card information of over 350,000 customers. The data breach could reveal potentially embarrassing information, like the fact that they ate at Arby’s. – Seth Meyers
As Donald Trump lurches from one fiasco to another, one has to wonder if his staunchest supporters will ever wake up. And that includes congressional Republicans, most of whom keep either defending Trump or at the very least are keeping their mouths shut.
[Jokes from Mar. 28, 2017]
Today, coal miners attended a ceremony where President Trump signed an executive order undoing most of Barack Obama’s climate change initiatives. The miners said they were really impressed with Trump. They said that in just two months, he’d dug himself into the biggest hole they’ve ever seen. And they literally work in holes. – James Corden
It’s been a rough few days for President Trump, and this week it came out that his job approval rating is at just 36 percent. Trump was confused. He said, “How can you disapprove of a job I’m not even doing? Fake poll.” – Jimmy Fallon
Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump. – Jimmy Fallon
Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern. – Jimmy Fallon
Trump is now polling lower than a lot of things. For example, he’s less popular than sitting on a warm subway seat. He’s less popular than vague texts that say, “Do you have time to talk later, it’s important.” He’s less popular than biting into a cookie and realizing that the chocolate chip is a raisin. He’s less popular than YouTube ads that you can’t skip after five seconds. He’s less popular than wet doorknobs. You know what I’m saying? Finally, Trump is even polling lower than people who pronounce Chipotle as “chipolte.” – Jimmy Fallon
The White House said today that President Trump has turned down an offer to throw out the first pitch on opening day for the Washington Nationals. But they said he would be happy to throw out some of the Nationals. [shows photo of Hispanic team members] “You go. You go. You stay.” He doesn’t want to throw out a first pitch. The baseball would look like a big ol’ bowling ball in his hand. – Seth Meyers
President Trump has turned down a chance to throw out the first pitch on opening day for the Washington Nationals. However, Trump said he’ll reconsider if he can also throw out all the players from other countries. – Conan O’Brien
Ivanka Trump revealed that she is planning to take a coding class this summer with her 5-year-old daughter. Then, this fall, the 5-year-old will begin working at the White House. – Conan O’Brien
President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser Jared Kushner reportedly met with executives from a Russian bank that was under U.S. sanctions during the 2016 presidential election. But I’m sure there’s a perfectly treasonable explanation. – Seth Meyers
Democrats have called for the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee to recuse himself from the investigation into Russia’s election-related hacking over concerns that he is too close to President Trump to be impartial. They want Congress to appoint someone less close to Trump, like Melania. – Seth Meyers
Meanwhile the investigation into Trump’s Russian ties is getting really crazy. Democrats are calling for Devin Nunes, the head of the intelligence committee, to step down because he took a secret meeting at the White House. Nunes wouldn’t reveal who he met with at the White House. But it’s safe to say it’s not Donald Trump, because Trump’s never there. – James Corden
If Nunes took a meeting at a golf course, then I’d be worried. – James Corden
Ford announced today it will create 130 new jobs in Michigan. “Is one of them president?” asked Hillary. – Seth Meyers
After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all. – Conan O’Brien
Apple is reportedly considering a device to put in women’s bodies that tracks their menstrual cycles. It’s part of Apple’s new slogan, “Think Creepy.” – Conan O’Brien
A 20-year-old woman in St. Louis has been banned from Tinder after making hundreds of dollars because her profile said “send me $5 and see what happens.” And here’s the thing, guys were just giving her $5. Usually, the only thing people give each other on Tinder is crabs. – James Corden
The White House can’s seem to keep their lies straight.
The lies around the firing of FBI director James Comey are just the latest example, but it is a particularly egregious one, and a double whammy. When Trump fired Comey, he released a statement that said he was just following the recommendations of Attorney General Jeff Sessions and deputy Rod Rosenstein. But in a televised interview, Trump contradicted himself and admitted that he had already decided to fire Comey before that.
The second whammy is that the White House also claimed that the majority of FBI agents had lost faith in Comey. But both the current acting FBI director and the president of the FBI Agents Association issued strong rebuttals to that lie.
Even worse, but when talking about the decision to fire Comey, Trump said “When I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story.” Trump firing Comey because of an FBI investigation into himself is obstruction of justice, and is a serious impeachable offense (indeed, it was the primary charge against both Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton).
Incidentally, Jeff Sessions had recused himself from the Russia investigation, and now it is clear that he is still deeply involved in it. That is a breach of legal ethics, and is grounds for having Sessions disbarred.
But the White House doesn’t seem interested in keeping their lies straight. Another example that just came up again is Trump’s Muslim bans. During the presidential campaign, Trump called for a “total and complete shutdown” of Muslims entering the US. That would clearly constitute a “Muslim Ban”, which would be unconstitutional. Trump’s two executive orders trying to implement this have been struck down by the courts largely because of this.
So earlier this week, a reporter was asking about Trump’s anti-immigrant rhetoric. Press Secretary Sean Spicer claimed “we’ve talked about this from the first day of this administration as a travel ban. … we’ve been very consistent since the first day of this administration on this.” The reporter called him on this:
If this White House is no longer calling this a Muslim ban, as the President did initially, why does the President’s website still explicitly call for ‘preventing Muslim immigration’ and it says, ‘Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States’?
And then something interesting happened. That quote was removed from the White House website, even before the press conference ended. And it was obviously done hastily, as they just removed the text and left the page template.
I guess when reality contradicts the lies coming out of the White House, they just try to change reality.
[Jokes from Mar. 27, 2017]
It was a tough weekend at the White House. After seven years of saying they were going to replace Obamacare, the Republican healthcare bill failed on Friday. It’s sad, isn’t it? Seven years. The Republicans couldn’t come up with a replacement for Obamacare in seven years. They made four “Fast & Furious” movies in that time. – James Corden
Well, congrats to President Trump on creating the least popular bill since Cosby. – Seth Meyers
The Washington Post says Paul Ryan actually got down on one knee to beg a congressman to support the healthcare bill. You think that’s bad — he showed up at another guy’s window with a boom box. (SINGS) “In your eyes, the light, the heat, in your eyes I am complete.” – Jimmy Fallon
The Republicans may have gotten a little ahead of themselves, because hours after the healthcare bill failed, there were actually commercials that aired on national television thanking congressional Republicans for passing the bill. The ad then went on to congratulate “La La Land” on their best picture Oscar. – James Corden
You know, you can see why they thought the bill would pass. Winning with less votes worked for Trump in November. – James Corden
Political analysts say that after their embarrassing loss on healthcare, the White House is desperately looking for a win. Which is why this week, they’re playing the Lakers. So that could work out. – Conan O’Brien
President Trump didn’t take any responsibility for the healthcare bill being pulled, but he did announce that he’s working on some new books based on his experience. Let’s take a look at some of the titles. First there’s “How to Lose Friends and Influence No One.” Next up there’s “The Giving Up Tree.” Then there’s “To Kill a Healthcare Bill.” And finally, “Oh, the Places You’ll Golf.” – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump yesterday made his 13th trip to a golf course since taking office. Hey man, you’re the president! My only job is making fun of you, and I don’t even have time to play golf. You play golf like you’re trying to complete a punch card. “One more and I get a free meatball sub.” – Seth Meyers
On Sunday, Fox News tweeted out a news alert that Donald Trump was spending the weekend working at the White House. Now this wasn’t just news, it was a news ALERT. Like: “This just in, the president is actually doing his job.” – James Corden
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said today that President Trump came to Washington “to get things done.” That’s why, five minutes into every meeting, he says, “Are we done?” – Seth Meyers
Joe Biden is now saying he regrets not running for president. And after last week, Donald Trump said he also regrets that Joe Biden didn’t run for president. – Conan O’Brien
A woman was arrested yesterday morning for trying to scale a White House fence for the second time in a week. The Secret Service said, “We wish you were living here, too, Mrs. Clinton, but you can’t keep doing that.” – Jimmy Fallon
It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It’s exciting for Americans because now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada. – Jimmy Fallon
Officials in Colombia are angry at rapper Wiz Khalifa for smoking marijuana at the tomb of Pablo Escobar. The officials said marijuana has no place at this sacred monument to cocaine. – Conan O’Brien
Today was National Spanish Paella Day. Or as it’s called under the Trump administration, “clam rice.” – Seth Meyers
Some Republicans are vainly trying to defend Donald Trump’s firing of James Comey, but none of their explanations even pass the smell test. Here are the most common arguments:
Trump has the power to fire the FBI director.
Not if he did it to obstruct justice. Especially not if he lied, and had other people lie, about why he did it. According to a Republican ethics expert: “We cannot tolerate this — for the president to be firing people who are investigating him and his campaign and its collusion with the Russians. It’s a lot worse than Watergate.”
Deputy Attorney General Rod J. Rosenstein is an honest public servant, so we have to believe the rationale he gave for firing Comey.
This excuse is based on the fact that Rosenstein wrote a memo saying that Comey mishandled the investigation into Clinton’s emails. Except that a few hours later it came out that Rosenstein threatened to resign after the White House blamed him for the firing. Confirming those reports was the fact that the White House suddenly changed their tune and went on TV to say that the firing of Comey had nothing to do with Clinton’s emails. Also, Trump had effusively praised Comey’s handling of the email investigation.
And finally, the most hilarious excuse is that “Trump is not stupid enough to fire Comey to stop the Russia investigation.”
Oh really? If so, then he was even more stupid to fire Comey in a way that would make it look exactly like he fired him to stop the Russia investigation. And this ignores the huge question why “why now?”. And the only possible answer is the Russia investigation.
Trevor Noah of the Daily Show:
Stephen Colbert of the Late Show:
Jimmy Kimmel:
James Corden of the Late Late Show:
I love the phrase “Trickle Down Healthcare”. Can we make this a meme?
Cartoonist Jen Sorensen comments on her own comic:
The AHCA is so monstrously cruel any honest description sounds hyperbolic. Not only will it literally kill people, but it’ll kill entrepreneurship too, as workers stay locked in their jobs for fear of losing heath insurance. Self-employed people with pre-existing conditions are hosed. I face the possibility of not having health insurance for the first time in my life. My friend, a cancer survivor, was interviewed on the local news about the prospect of facing unaffordable premiums. So much wonderful freedom! Thank you, House Republicans.
Vox has an article about who the winners and losers are in the House AHCA bill. Quick summary: “Rich people do well. Sick people don’t.”
[Jokes from Mar. 23, 2017]
The vote on the Republican healthcare bill was delayed today because they didn’t have enough votes to pass it. When he heard that, Obama called Trump and said, “Don’t worry, Obamacare covers depression. So don’t worry about it.” – Jimmy Fallon
The House did not vote on the Republicans’ Obamacare replacement bill today as expected. I guess they wanted to keep Obamacare until [shows photo of Trump] they can get this suspicious mole checked out. – Seth Meyers
On Capitol Hill today, one of the most dramatic episodes of “The Celebrity Appresident” yet: Republicans in the House were forced to postpone their vote on healthcare today because they cannot agree on what the plan should be, so it’s back to the drawing board. Unfortunately, Trump’s budget for education cut funding for drawing boards, so there’s no board for them to draw on. – Jimmy Kimmel
Today the House Republicans were furiously working to get enough votes to pass the healthcare bill to replace Obamacare. As it stands, they may not have enough, and the vote has been postponed. Right now, it’s not looking good. The bill is basically on life support — and like most things on life support, Republicans will probably deny it coverage. – James Corden
The president went all out for this bill, but hardline Republicans hated it because it offered too many benefits. Moderate Republicans hated it because it cut too many benefits. Hospitals hate it because they stand to lose money. Insurance companies hate it because it can blow up the markets, and voters hated it. Basically the only people who were OK with the plan were Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Chuck Berry. I happen to know that Chuck would have loved that joke, may he rest in peace. – Jimmy Kimmel
At one point, Congress was prepared to vote as late as 3:00 a.m. Congressmen called their wives, told them not wait up, then they called their mistresses and said, “See ya at 3:00!” – Jimmy Fallon
These congressmen are nervous because the Congressional Budget Office warned that “Trumpcare” could result in 24 million people becoming uninsured. Trump says the numbers were cooked up by the microwave that’s been spying on him at Trump Tower. – Jimmy Kimmel
Trump was on the phone last night until almost midnight, calling Republicans to try to switch their votes on the bill. All the calls started the same way: “You have a collect call from — don’t hang up, loser!” – Jimmy Fallon
Trump said the hardest part was talking on one phone and tweeting on the other. – Jimmy Fallon
Press secretary Sean Spicer said today that the White House was optimistic about the chances of the Republican healthcare bill, but, quote, “At the end of the day, we can’t make people vote.” [shows photo of Hillary] “Tell me about it,” said one woman. – Seth Meyers
Time magazine published an interview with Donald Trump and when they asked if he thought the false statements that he has made have damaged his reputation, Trump replied, “I can’t be doing so badly because I’m president and you’re not.” I’m president and you’re not — I told my 2-year-old daughter that, and she was like, “Dude, grow up.” – James Corden
In that interview, President Trump responded to questions about unsubstantiated claims he recently made, by saying, quote, “I can’t be doing so badly, because I’m president and you’re not.” OK, I didn’t mind when you talked dirty with Billy Bush, or told Russia to hack Hillary’s emails. [shows photo of Chevy Chase on ‘SNL’] But when you start stealing bits from “Weekend Update” anchors — it is ON! – Seth Meyers
Trump acts like anyone who is not the president is doing badly. I feel like we’re all doing pretty well, aren’t we? I try to look at the bright side. Yes, we’re not the president — but we’re also not being investigated by the FBI for treason. – James Corden
In a new interview, President Trump predicted he would pass Richard Nixon for most appearances on the cover of Time magazine. Hey, dude, do you know WHY Nixon was on the cover so many times? “They’re going to make so many documentaries about me. I’ll bet I even pass Charles Manson.” – Seth Meyers
Now on to some very, very incredibly important news tonight: There is a new set of emojis. They’re going to be released to smartphones in June. This new set will include a hedgehog, a puking face, a brain, and a merman. I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time. – James Corden
After all, Trump did claim that he could “shoot someone on a crowded street and not lose any voters“.
And it isn’t like Trump or his relatives care what they do or say. The latest example of their corruption and nepotism is Nicole Kushner Meyer, who is Jared Kushner’s sister. Meyer was caught making a presentation in Beijing offering rich Chinese investors an American visa if they would invest at least $500,000 in a real estate development being done in New Jersey by her family.
If this wasn’t clear enough, they passed out a brochure saying “Invest $500,000 and immigrate to the United States.” The presentation showed images of her brother, and of Donald Trump, and highlighted her relationship to them.
I guess we are now living in a Kleptocracy. And as long as it pisses off liberals, Trump’s supporters don’t seem to care. Speaking of that, is the guy in the MAGA hat supposed to be “Joe the Plumber”?
The AHCA is yet another triumph of politics over policy, but maybe we can laugh about it:
To show how out of touch with reality some Republicans are, Congressman Raul Labrador (R-ID) defended his vote on the GOP health care bill by declaring “Nobody dies because they don’t have access to health care.” Watch it:
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