Political Irony

It is the end of the TV season for Saturday Night Live. When the show resumes, will Alec Baldwin have a job playing Donald Trump as president? Or could this mark the swan song for Trump as well?

[Jokes from Apr. 10, 2017]

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from “Jersey Shore” is facing up to 15 years in prison on tax evasion charges. So basically, if you’re a reality star in this country and you don’t pay your taxes, we either put you in prison or make you President of the United States. – Conan O’Brien

Fox News said it will investigate multiple accusations against Bill O’Reilly for sexually harassing female co-workers. Apparently, for years O’Reilly has been telling female co-workers their breasts are “fair and balanced”. – Conan O’Brien

A Turkish Airline crew helped deliver a baby onboard a flight. And then in keeping with the times, the baby was dragged from the plane by security. – Conan O’Brien

Former NFL player Titus Young was sentenced to four years in prison. Young said he’s sad to go to prison but happy to be reunited with his old teammates. – Conan O’Brien

A package of salad mix that was sold in a Florida Walmart was found to contain a dead bat. This is shocking news – someone shopping at Walmart bought a salad. – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from Apr. 6, 2017]

The fight continues over the confirmation of Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch. And today, in the Senate, was a battle royal with cheese, because the Democrats took a stand. Democrats successfully filibustered President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch. Woo-hoo! They did it! Yeah! They did it! Democrats won! For about an hour. – Stephen Colbert

The rule change was getting rid of the filibuster, a last resort commonly known as the “nuclear option”. And it’s called the “nuclear option” because they need some part of it to sound exciting. – Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump says he is skipping the White House Correspondents Dinner. Of course, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is furious. Christie, as you know, has never skipped a dinner in his life. – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump today met with the president of China at his Mar-a-Lago resort. And things got off to an awkward start when Trump said, “I thought you were really funny in the ‘Hangover’ movies.” – Seth Meyers

Donald Trump made an extraordinary claim to The New York Times about a Democratic congressman: “Elijah Cummings was in my office, and he said, ‘You will go down as one of the great presidents in the history of our country.’” Really? I get the “you will go down” part, but, after that, you kind of lost me. – Stephen Colbert

A so-called Museum of Failure is opening in Sweden this June. Though, if you can’t wait that long, [shows photo of White House] check out the pop-up exhibit in Washington. – Seth Meyers

Nunes is stepping aside because the House Ethics Committee is determined to investigate allegations that Nunes may have made unauthorized disclosures of classified information. “Good news, Congressman Nunes! We found the leaker! He’s in your mirror.” – Stephen Colbert

Quarterback Colin Kaepernick has done a complete 180. He now says he WILL stand for the national anthem. He’s now sitting for the games, but he’s standing for the anthem. – Jimmy Fallon

A New Jersey man recently admitted to stealing $20,000 worth of ginger ale from a grocery store. He said he wasn’t planning on stealing so much, he just got Schwepped up in it. – Seth Meyers

Caitlyn Jenner told Diane Sawyer she is writing her autobiography. I think that’s going to be one of those “he said, she said” deals. – Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that plastic surgeons make an average of $354,000 per year. “I am shocked,” said one woman’s face but not her mouth. – Seth Meyers

According to the National Enquirer, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are headed for divorce. I don’t believe it. I don’t think he would ever leave her behind. – Jimmy Fallon

At the Academy of Country Music Awards, Willie Nelson announced he was writing his memoirs. He said in his memoirs, he will explain how marijuana has affected his life. Here’s how it affected his life: He started writing his memoir in 1946. – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from Apr. 5, 2017]

Donald Trump’s positive performance mark is now down to 35 percent. Only about a third of Americans polled say they’re happy with his job performance. Sixty-six percent say they don’t think he’s level-headed. In his defense, how is his head supposed to stay level when his hair keeps trying to chase every squirrel? – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump’s approval rating dropped and is now at just 35 percent. Or as Trump calls it, “20 under par. I’m doing FANTASTIC!” – Jimmy Fallon

It’s not just the poll, even ISIS is piling on. A spokesman for ISIS released a statement yesterday saying America is drowning, we’re bankrupt, and we’re being run by an idiot. You hate to agree with anything ISIS says. But I don’t know, maybe we are being run by an idiot, maybe we are drowning and bankrupt. But I want to be very clear: If we are those things, you guys in ISIS had nothing to do with that. We chose this bankrupt idiot to drown us ourselves. – Jimmy Kimmel

I read that Trump’s photographer always brings a stool to events, and photographs Trump from above so he looks taller. While Trump has him shoot his approval ratings from BELOW, so they look HIGHER. – Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump has removed his good buddy and chief strategist Steve Bannon from the National Security Council. This is quite a humiliating move that has very much left Steve Bannon red-faced, although that is his complexion anyway. – James Corden

In a statement to The Wall Street Journal, Bannon said leaving the Security Council was always his plan. Really? It sounds like this administration’s entire strategy has been failing and then acting like they meant to do that. They’re like, “Yeah, our healthcare bill failed. It’s exactly what we planned.” – James Corden

You might not have been aware but Monday was Send Your Son-in-Law to Iraq Day. President Trump sent his daughter’s husband, Jared Kushner, to Baghdad to meet with the Iraqi prime minister and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The military posted a bunch of photographs of Jared’s spring break. I found them on Flickr last night. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump said today that he is “working very, very hard” to create peace between Israel and Palestine. Said Trump, “They are absolutely my two favorite Real Housewives.” – Seth Meyers

During an interview with Forbes published yesterday, Trump’s son, Eric Trump, said he might be where he is because of nepotism but that is just a “factor of life”. Wow, Eric sounds pretty smug. But then again he inherited that from his father too. – James Corden

Also, “factor of life” is not a thing people say, is it? I think what he meant to say is it’s a FACT of life — or he meant to say “I’m not the smart son, please stop asking me questions.” – James Corden

Pepsi is facing criticism for a controversial new ad that shows a bunch of people protesting, and then Kendall Jenner steps in and solves everyone’s problems by handing the police officer a Pepsi. And even in the commercial, the cop’s like, “Are you all out of Coke?” – Jimmy Fallon

We have a deeply divided nation. But today it seems like everyone has come together to join the protest against the new protest ad from Pepsi. – Stephen Colbert

Today, North Korea conducted a missile test, which escalated tensions in the region. But don’t worry — things settled down when Kendall Jenner stepped in and handed them a Pepsi. – Jimmy Fallon

This commercial, it’s quite a concept. Basically Kendall Jenner is posing for a photo shoot, then a protest march happens by — a hip-looking protest march — and ultimately she joins in and brings everyone together. She ends racism by handing a Pepsi to a police officer. And then everyone dances away. It is so ill-advised. I’ve watched it 27 times now. I still can’t figure out what the protesters are supposed to be protesting. – Jimmy Kimmel

It starts with a throng of beautiful, multiethnic people protesting in the streets of, I’m going to guess Newport, Rhode Island. So far, we don’t know what has caused all of America’s hot extras to take to the streets, but I’m guessing it’s a protest for Attractive Lives Matter. – Stephen Colbert

The signs they’re holding aren’t much help figuring things out. They say things like “peace” and the peace symbol, and “Join the conversation”. That’s the most corporate message of all time. They might as well be holding signs that say, “We are all the core demographic.” – Stephen Colbert

At first, this was a movement without a leader until the protest route just happened to pass by Kendall Jenner doing a fashion shoot for aluminum siding. This commercial ends with a message even more profound than “Join the conversation”: “Live for now”. – Stephen Colbert

Yes, “live … for now,” especially if you’re Pepsi’s marketing department, because I don’t think you guys are going to be there for long. – Stephen Colbert

I will assume that by now you’ve seen or at least heard about that Pepsi commercial with Kendall Jenner. It’s absolutely nuts. Pepsi was trending on Twitter last night. I was like, oh my God, Pepsi died. Turned out I was right, it did. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today Pepsi pulled the ad and apologized. They apologized to Kendall Jenner. “Sorry we paid you $3 million to be in the worst commercial ever, Kendall Jenner.” Everyone was so mad. The only people who weren’t mad? The people at Coke weren’t mad, they loved it. – Jimmy Kimmel

Apparently Barry Manilow announced today that he is gay. Also scientific research found that the sky is blue. And sugar is sweet. Lots of interesting stuff happening today in the news. – Jimmy Fallon

According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane. – Seth Meyers

The shoe store Payless is filing for bankruptcy and closing nearly 400 stores in the United States. Yes, 400 shoe stores closed, but thousands of soles lost. The problem was their work ethic. Most of Payless was just a bunch of loafers. – James Corden

The Cleveland Zoo announced today that its rare black rhinoceros is pregnant. They made the announcement right after she confirmed it with her rhino-cologist. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Apr. 4, 2017]

This week, the National Archives reached out to the White House and requested that all of the president’s tweets be saved and preserved for history. Future generations: I’m so, so sorry. – James Corden

The National Archives and Records Administration in Washington, D.C. — this is where they store the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address — they have asked the White House to save all of President Trump’s tweets. It’s important to have all the president’s tweets so that future historians will be able to go back and see what was on Fox News that day. – Jimmy Kimmel

I heard that the White House is saving all of President Trump’s tweets, so they can be stored in the National Archives. That way future generations can read Kennedy’s journals, Lincoln’s diaries, and Trump’s insults about Arnold Schwarzenegger. – Jimmy Fallon

The National Archives will showcase all the great pillars of American democracy — the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution, and the “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke” tweet. – James Corden

On the bright side, one day we will have a movie where Nicolas Cage tries to steal that tweet. – James Corden

I think there’s already a service that archives all the tweets from Donald Trump’s Twitter account; it’s called Donald Trump’s Twitter account. – Jimmy Kimmel

These tweets will be saved for “historical value.” And they’ll be filed under “impeachment evidence.” – James Corden

Yesterday the president signed a bill that will allow internet service providers to collect and share your personal information and search histories without asking your permission to do it. Now these big companies can see every detail of our lives online. We still can’t see his tax returns, but they can see everything we look at. – Jimmy Kimmel

There are still a lot of people unhappy with our new president. At the opening-day game for the Washington Nationals, fans unfurled a giant “Impeach Trump” banner in the stadium. Here’s a question: If I can’t get a bottle of water into a game, how did these guys get a 40-foot banner in? – James Corden

Donald Trump donated the first three months of his presidential salary to the National Park Service. That tremor you just felt was all four presidents on Mount Rushmore rolling their eyes. – James Corden

Trump is also the one who wants to cut funding to the national parks. So this is like sending flowers to the funeral of somebody you just murdered. – James Corden

President Trump said today that his infrastructure plan could cost more than the projected $1 trillion. Said Trump, “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but it could go as high as a bajillion.” – Seth Meyers

The Trump administration recently hired a man whose name turned up on a list of accounts released in the 2015 hack of the cheating website Ashley Madison. Even crazier, that’s all it said on his resume. – Seth Meyers

Virginia police are investigating vandalism at Trump National Golf Club over the weekend. They found graffiti that said, “Help, I don’t want to be president anymore.” – Seth Meyers

The White House has just released the official portrait of first lady Melania Trump. Here it is. It doesn’t look like a first lady portrait, does it? It looks like a brochure for a two-day real estate seminar. “Grow rich with no money down!” – James Corden

Today was National Hug a Newsperson Day. But if you see Bill O’Reilly, maybe just go with a fist bump. – Seth Meyers

The NCAA tournament is over. Now all we have is Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter to distract us from working while we’re at work. – Jimmy Kimmel

Oreos just launched a new limited edition flavor called “Cookies & Creme.” Or as it’s also known – Oreos. That’s all it is! Cookies and creme. What’s wrong with this world!? – Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Dictionary.com just added 300 new words, including “man bun” and “sext.” As in, “If you have a man bun, you will never receive a sext.” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from Apr. 3, 2017]

The president is very upset right now because he’s currently being investigated by every branch of the government. Even the post office wants to know who’s licking his stamps. – Jimmy Kimmel

A judge just ruled Trump can be sued for inciting violence against protesters at a campaign rally. Although, I’m really more upset that he incited voting. – Stephen Colbert

The White House has announced that President Trump will donate his first quarter’s salary of over $78,000 to the National Park Service. Said Trump, “There’s nothing more important than the people who park our cars.” – Seth Meyers

President Trump on Friday walked out of an Oval Office signing ceremony without actually signing his two executive orders on trade. That’s literally our best hope against the Trump administration — him forgetting what he came into the room for. – Seth Meyers

It’s been a busy few weeks for the president. Every day he gets to work, rolls up his sleeves, and gives a new job to Jared Kushner. – Stephen Colbert

Jared Kushner, who of course is married to [President Donald Trump’s] daughter Ivanka, went to Iraq today, where he met with the Iraqi prime minister. Which is strange. Because Jared Kushner’s a real estate developer. He’s 36 years old. He has no experience dealing with foreign governments. This is a guy who negotiates rent. His job is to figure out how much it will cost to put a Dunkin’ Donuts on the first floor of an office building. – Jimmy Kimmel

This weekend, Jared Kushner’s to-do list got even longer when he made a surprise visit to Iraq. He wanted to go somewhere with less sectarian violence than the White House. – Stephen Colbert

Dennis Rodman has more foreign policy experience than Jared Kushner. – Jimmy Kimmel

So far, Kushner is in charge of brokering Mideast peace, negotiating the wall with Mexico, tackling America’s opioid epidemic, fixing the Department of Veterans Affairs, handling diplomacy with China, and dyeing the eggs for the White House Easter egg hunt. – Stephen Colbert

So you have to wonder why the president would send him to a military operation in Iraq. There’s only one possible explanation: I think the president might be trying to kill him. A lot of fathers don’t get along with their son-in-laws. If you’re president, you can throw a black bag over his head and ship him off to Iraq. – Jimmy Kimmel

By the way, do you think Donald Trump’s real sons are jealous that Jared’s over in Iraq meeting with the general while they’re off shooting koala bears and playing hackie sack with rolls of $50 bills? I mean, they have to be, right? – Jimmy Kimmel

The White House today released the official portrait of the first lady, Melania Trump [shows portrait photo]. I think she was photographed on the set of “Wheel of Fortune” or something. Very strange. It looks like the jewel box cover for her Starbucks CD. Or an ad for Kay Jewelers. She’s the only first lady to use a wind machine in her official portrait. – Jimmy Kimmel

A report says that since 2010, over a million people have moved out of the New York area to other parts of the country, while one [shows photo of Melania] just won’t. – Seth Meyers

So anyway, now there will at least be one Melania in the White House. – Jimmy Kimmel

Bed Bath & Beyond recently announced that it will continue to sell Ivanka Trump products. So, be sure to pick up her new line of “How Do You Sleep at Night?” pillows. – Seth Meyers

There’s drama brewing in Washington because the Senate is about to vote on [Supreme Court] nominee Neil Gorsuch. But Democrats aren’t going to let Gorsuch get confirmed without a fight. Sure, it’s a fight they’re going to lose — but those are the kinds of fights Democrats love. – Stephen Colbert

Former White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest recently said that former President Obama is genuinely concerned about how things are going in the country. In fact, today there was just a hint of sadness in his eye, as he swam up to the bar to order another Mai Tai. – Seth Meyers

North Carolina beat Gonzaga to win the whole thing in a game that was just back and forth the whole night, which means March Madness is officially over. And CBS now returns to your regularly scheduled Trump Madness already in progress. – James Corden

Here’s the thing, Gonzaga: In many ways, you are actually the lucky ones. You don’t have to get your picture taken with the president. It’s a lose-win. – James Corden

A 12-year-old girl in North Carolina correctly chose the final four in her bracket, it was amazing. Yeah, yeah, but great — just one more thing that I’m worse at than a 12-year-old girl. Basketball, math, arm wrestling, pull-ups, bench press, not crying. – James Corden

We are so excited to be here at Universal Orlando for the opening of our new “Tonight Show” ride, “Race Through New York!” That’s right, we came all the way to Florida to go on a ride that makes us feel like we’re back in New York. – Jimmy Fallon

But not everyone’s so excited. When he heard I was getting my own ride, E.T. told me, “Stay in your lane, girl.” – Jimmy Fallon

I can’t get over how fun this has been. Flying to Florida and working one hour a day — now I know how it feels to be president! – Jimmy Fallon

I was thinking about doing something to my wife on April Fools’ Day but then I thought, you know what, tricking her into marrying me was more than enough prank. – Jimmy Kimmel

DoorDash is a food delivery service testing out a new method of delivery that uses robots to bring you your food. They’re offering it in California and Washington, D.C., right now. You use your app, you order food, and a robot in some cases will bring it right to you. It even acts surprised when you answer the door naked. It’s an amazing technology. – Jimmy Kimmel

Do [they] warn people that a robot is coming? Because you could open the door and go like, “Oh, my God, there’s a robot here” and potentially it could scare people, especially in states where marijuana is legal. – Jimmy Kimmel