Political Irony

[Jokes from Apr. 24, 2017]

It’s a huge week for Donald Trump. On Saturday, he will reach 100 days in office. Boy, it sure seems longer. – Stephen Colbert

Saturday marks President Trump’s first 100 days. Political analysts say that we are still in President Trump’s “honeymoon” phase. Which may account for that feeling that we’re being repeatedly screwed. – Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, President Trump said he is “mostly there” on fulfilling the promises of his first 100 days. Said Trump, “Look, at this point, I’ve already accomplished 95 days.” – Seth Meyers

Friday is Day 99 of the Trump administration, and we may have a government shutdown if Congress does not pass a budget. Trump is so desperate to have something to show for his first 100 days that he just threw in funding for the border wall, which may kill the bill and make the U.S. financially insolvent. So, Trump really is running the country like one of his businesses. – Stephen Colbert

Trump says now the wall will cost less than $10 billion, but it could be more if he makes it “super-duper”. And taxpayers said, “Wait a second. You never said it could be super-duper.” – Jimmy Fallon

On Sunday Trump blamed Democrats for not wanting to fund the border wall, which he claims Mexico will be paying for, quote, “in some form” and “at a later date.” In some form — what form? Like, they can just buy us a round of beers? – James Corden

Can you imagine if other great leaders had talked this way? “I have a dream … in some form, at a later date.” – James Corden

This weekend was the big march for science. And there were a lot of animal rights activists protesting Trump’s policies on endangered species. Trump was like, “I love endangered species. That’s why I refuse to drink the new unicorn Frappuccino at Starbucks.” – Jimmy Fallon

Environmental activists say that Trump’s border wall would disrupt the migration of hundreds of species. Animals were like, “No problem. We’ll just tunnel under it like everyone else.” – Jimmy Fallon

Bill Nye the science guy spoke at the march in D.C., and said that the founding fathers promoted science in Article 1 of the Constitution. Trump was like, “Eh, I don’t read it for the articles.” – Jimmy Fallon

Today President Trump congratulated NASA astronaut Peggy Whitson for breaking a record for total time spent in space by a U.S. astronaut. Trump asked her how she managed to be up there for so long, and she explained it was easy. “You see, you announced you were running for president, and I immediately asked to be launched into space as soon as possible.” – James Corden

Today, Astronaut Peggy Whitson set a record for the longest time spent in space by an American astronaut, and got a congratulatory call from President Trump. When Trump asked what motivated her to stay in space so long, Whitson answered, “You”. – Conan O’Brien

Trump wanted to know what the hardest part has been, and she explained, “Having to deal with the dark, empty vacuum of nothingness.” But she then continued, “As soon as this call is over, I’ll be fine.” – James Corden

Today, President Trump held separate phone conversations with the president of China and the prime minister of Japan. Trump was shocked to learn that those are two different people. – Conan O’Brien

This week is National Volunteer Week. Said President Trump, “So … anybody wanna be president?” – Seth Meyers

Nothing matters to Donald Trump more than ratings. When Trump was asked if he planned to fire embattled press secretary Sean Spicer, he said, “I’m not firing Sean Spicer, that guy gets great ratings. Everyone tunes in.” It’s true. You can’t tear your eyes away from Sean Spicer — it’s like watching a car crash that knows nothing about the Holocaust. – Stephen Colbert

This Thursday, President Trump will be having dinner with the members of the Supreme Court. However, Mike Pence cannot attend because his wife won’t let him dine with that temptress Ruth Bader Ginsburg. – Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, musician Kenny G was on a Delta flight and gave a brief performance. Passengers are describing the performance as “not brief enough.” – Conan O’Brien

On Saturday, Kenny G gave a surprise performance on a Delta flight. Or as United put it, “Touché”. – Jimmy Fallon

A restaurant opened in London today specializing in airline-style food. And if you like your steak a little bloody, order it “United”. – Seth Meyers

American Airlines is under fire after one of its flight attendants allegedly yanked a stroller away from a mother with a baby. Passengers were outraged that the attendant took the stroller and not the baby. – Conan O’Brien

A dentist in Alaska is in hot water over a video of him pulling a patient’s tooth while riding a hoverboard. Now he could face criminal charges — not for the tooth, just for being an adult on a hoverboard. – James Corden

He got in trouble for this? Next you’re gonna tell me it’s inappropriate for my doctor to give prostate exams while riding a Segway. – James Corden

A major food company has recalled two types of frozen hash browns because the potatoes may contain pieces of golf balls. Doctors say if you’ve already ingested pieces of golf balls, the best thing is to just let them play through. – James Corden

A New Jersey restaurant has begun selling a massive taco-covered pizza for $75. “Seems a little steep,” said a customer who was looking at the three steps in front of the restaurant. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Apr. 20, 2017]

Sarah Palin visited the White House last night along with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. All three expressed their regrets that Honey Boo Boo couldn’t make it. – Conan O’Brien

Last night, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock met with Trump in the Oval Office — or as they’re more commonly known, “The redneck Holy Trinity.” – Jimmy Fallon

Last night, President Trump had a very important meeting in the Oval Office with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. How the hell did they get into the White House? Kid Rock is not even allowed in a Waffle House. – Jimmy Kimmel

Last night, Donald Trump hosted a dinner at the White House that was attended by Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock. The dinner was interrupted when an episode of “Cops” broke out. – Conan O’Brien

Today is 4/20. 4/20 is that special day of the year when everyone who smokes pot continues to smoke pot. – Conan O’Brien

People really get into the spirit here. Here’s the thing: The truth is, if you’re celebrating 4/20 today, chances are you were celebrating it yesterday. And the day before that too. – Jimmy Kimmel

Between Easter and 4/20, this has been a huge week for eating candy and rolling stuff. – Jimmy Kimmel

In honor of 4/20, Ben and Jerry’s introduced a new menu item that’s an ice cream waffle cone taco with fudge called a “Choloco.” Or as stoners put it, “You had us at ice cream … And then you had us at waffle and then cone and then taco!” – Jimmy Fallon

In case you either don’t know or are too high to remember, it’s 4/20. I don’t know if this is a thing for the whole country, but it’s a big deal around these parts. The whole state smells like it ran over a skunk the size of Godzilla. – Jimmy Kimmel

Legal marijuana in South Dakota could help boost funding for teachers. And teachers said, “Well, screw the money. Just give us the weed.” – Jimmy Fallon

Marijuana is legal here in California by state law. But it’s still technically illegal, according to federal law. So the LAPD, the police, can’t arrest you for having pot but an FBI agent can. It’s confusing, right? Now imagine trying to understand that while you’re high. – Jimmy Kimmel

In other smoking-related news, the mayor of New York yesterday proposed a new bill that would raise the price of cigarettes to what would be the highest in the country. If the bill passes, a pack of cigarettes would cost $13 in New York. The only place where cigarettes would cost more is prison. – Jimmy Kimmel

Mayor Bill de Blasio says that when it comes to the health of New Yorkers, big tobacco is enemy No. 1. Enemy No. 2 is pizza. – Jimmy Kimmel

Time magazine today released its annual list of the “100 Most-Influential People in the World.” Making the list this year, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Pope Francis, James Comey, and of course, Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton did not make the list. Which is really crazy. Hillary Clinton influenced a whole half of a country to vote for Donald Trump for president. You’d think that would be worth something. – Jimmy Kimmel

Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom traveled, she would leave a note for her every day that she was gone. Though every day the note just read, “Keep an eye on your father.” – Jimmy Fallon

Paul Ryan, speaker of the House, wrote the profile of Donald Trump. That’s what they do, have famous people write the profile of other famous people. He said Trump always finds a way to get it done. He does? Other than his hair, what did he get done? Can’t even get his wife to move in with him. – Jimmy Kimmel

The New England Patriots visited the White House, and Patriots star Rob Gronkowski interrupted Sean Spicer’s White House press briefing and asked if he needed help. Reporters all laughed while Sean Spicer whispered, “Yes”. – Jimmy Fallon

Major League Baseball is planning to have a “Game of Thrones” theme night at stadiums across the country. Instead of bobbleheads, fans will receive actual severed heads. – Conan O’Brien

After allegedly sexually harassing his fellow employees, Bill O’Reilly is leaving Fox News with a severance worth $25 million. So with that in mind, I’d just like to say to Andy, “Nice rack”. – Conan O’Brien

Today, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un warned that he might unleash a “super mighty preemptive strike.” When she heard, Mrs. Kim Jong-un rolled her eyes and said, “Trust me, I wouldn’t worry about it.” – Conan O’Brien

Scientists have developed a new kind of robot that is able to shoot a gun. In fact, earlier today, I was carjacked by my Roomba. – Conan O’Brien

A man is suing Grindr because over 1,000 men showed up at his place of business demanding sex. Though in fairness, the man does work at “Al’s House of Crullers and Anonymous Gay Sex.” – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from Apr. 19, 2017]

Bill O’Reilly has been fired by Fox News. It’s not that big of a surprise. We all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room. – Stephen Colbert

Bill O’Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O’Reilly violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit. – Conan O’Brien

One person who hasn’t had a great day is Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who has been fired from the network after years of multimillion-dollar sexual harassment suits. I mean Fox News had no choice. They have a very strict “28 strikes and you’re out” policy. – James Corden

Fox issued an official statement this afternoon on O’Reilly’s dismissal. I think they just took the Roger Ailes statement and just changed the nouns. – Stephen Colbert

Fox News announced that Bill O’Reilly has been fired, after his sexual harassment scandal. Experts say it is not likely that any self-respecting network will ever hire him — then CNN said, “Welcome aboard!” – Jimmy Fallon

This is a lesson for all of us: If you behave like an animal who sexually harasses women, you can’t host a talk show. You can be president, but you can’t host a talk show. – James Corden

Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly. The head of Fox News said, “There’s only one place for an angry old guy that demeans women, and that’s the White House.” – Conan O’Brien

They celebrated O’Reilly’s career, saying, “By ratings standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.” By rating standards he is. By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage. – Stephen Colbert

I saw that earlier today, O’Reilly actually met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. And when he saw O’Reilly go into confession, the next guy in line said, “You know what? I’ll come back tomorrow.” – Jimmy Fallon

Bill O’Reilly is vacationing in Italy, and yesterday he was spotted at the Vatican, shaking hands with Pope Francis. Man, O’Reilly really will hit on anything in a dress. – Conan O’Brien

In addition to being cable’s top rated host, O’Reilly has written a number of best-selling books including “Killing Lincoln,” “Killing Reagan,” and “Killing Kennedy.” And I really look forward to his next book, “Killing Time at Home.” – James Corden

At the White House today, President Trump hosted the Super Bowl champion, the New England Patriots. You know, they were lucky to catch the president. It’s Wednesday — usually he’s on his way to the Mar-a-Lago for the weekend. – Jimmy Kimmel

Several players chose to skip the White House field trip. Quarterback Tom Brady said he had “personal family matters” to deal with, which means he stayed home to watch “Family Matters”. – Jimmy Kimmel

A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff”. – Conan O’Brien

President Trump gave a speech in Wisconsin yesterday — he actually spoke in front of a giant flag made out of wrenches. When he heard he’d be speaking in front of a bunch of tools, he said, “My Cabinet’s gonna be there?” – Jimmy Fallon

Trump set a record for the most money raised for an inauguration. He raised $107 million, more than double what Obama raised for his first inauguration. 107 is a lot of million dollars. It makes you wonder, thought, why could they only book 3 Doors Down? With that kind of money you could afford so many more doors down. – Jimmy Kimmel

He raised the money through donations from companies and wealthy individuals, including $5 million from billionaire Sheldon Adelson, $4 million from someone who just goes by initials — this is interesting: KGB. I don’t know who it is. It could be anyone. – Jimmy Kimmel

$107 million seems like a lot to spend on an inauguration, but when you go through the expenses, it makes sense. Here’s how it breaks down according to the White House: Microphone, $225. Podium, $650. $750,000 for all the limos and the security. Mini Bible to make Trump’s hands look big, $57. The helicopter to get rid of the Obamas, $257,000. $15,000 for Melania’s dress. $2,700 for her gloves. 20 million Slovenian euros for Melania herself. And they paid the piano guys with lunch, just a few dollars there. Trump’s appearance fee, $85 million for him to speak, for a total of $107 million. – Jimmy Kimmel

Huge election last night in Georgia’s 6th District. It was an unusual election. It was what’s called a “jungle primary,” because like every election this year, it will probably end in madness and cannibalism. – Stephen Colbert

Sure enough, Ossoff only got 48.1 percent of the vote. If he had gotten over 50 percent of the vote, he would have won outright, but he got less than the majority, so now I think he gets to be president of the United States. Is that how it works? – Stephen Colbert

A recent security purge by Facebook has unintentionally gotten rid of millions of “likes”. Just think… all those wasted hours, wasted. – Conan O’Brien

Congrats to Serena Williams! She just announced that she’s expecting a baby, which means she won the Australian Open while she was pregnant. Then the baby said, “So, do I get a doubles trophy?” – Jimmy Fallon

At the site where the North Koreans are expected to test a nuclear missile, according to new images from our satellites, soldiers on the ground, instead of working frantically to get the test together, were seen playing volleyball. Which can only mean North Korea is planning to attack us with a volleybomb. And only Tom Brady can save us, and where is he? – Jimmy Kimmel
An archaeologist is claiming he’s discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched “The Wizard of Oz.” – Conan O’Brien

I read that after the success of their in-store cafes, Ikea might open its own restaurants. Which is great, until you have to assemble your own table. – Jimmy Fallon

A packet of McDonald’s discontinued Szechuan sauce from 1998 just sold on eBay for nearly $15,000. This has created such a buzz, the bidding got so high, that McDonald’s is thinking of bringing the Szechuan sauce back. To which the guy who just spent 15 grand said “Wait, you’re going to do what now?” – James Corden

The nation’s first drive-through marijuana dispensary is opening tomorrow in Colorado. Also, down the street will be the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint. – James Corden

[Jokes from Apr. 17, 2017]

At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?” – Conan O’Brien

You know what everyone’s talking about? The White House Easter Egg Roll. It was really cute. They had a miniature podium where kids could pretend to be Trump’s press secretary. The winner got some candy, while the loser got the job. – Jimmy Fallon

But it was a great time, and apparently the Easter egg hunt is still going on. Because Trump hides those Easter eggs as well as he hides his tax returns. – James Corden

Trump really had fun with it, though. Every time a kid went for an Easter egg, he’d hit it with a nine-iron. [mimes golf swing] “Losers! Too bad, you lost!” – Jimmy Fallon

This morning was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. There was an appearance by that very special visitor, someone who only shows up to the White House once a year — Melania Trump. – James Corden

Today at the White House Easter festivities, Melania Trump kicked things off by blowing a whistle. Then again, most women standing near Donald Trump end up having to blow a whistle. – Conan O’Brien

It was good that Melania was there. She had to remind Trump to put his hand over his heart during the National Anthem [plays clip showing Melania elbowing Trump]. Keep in mind, she’s the immigrant from Slovenia, he was born here. He should know what to do during the National Anthem. I mean, that’s what my wife does to me to get me to stop talking. – James Corden

This is Trump’s first Easter Egg Roll. The president and the first lady kicked things off with the National Anthem, and notice what she has to do in the middle of it [clip of Melania nudging Trump].”Put your hand up! Do it, you’re the president!” He forget to put his hand over his heart, it happens to everybody. I mean, when I saw that footage, I almost forgot to put my hand over my face. – Stephen Colbert

And yet, not the most embarrassing thing to happen at the Easter Egg Roll. That honor goes to the official White House Snapchat account, which sent out a snap featuring a bunch of kids gathered around “Secretary of ‘Educatuon’ Betsy DeVos.” It’s like Betsy DeVos always says, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘education’ … the way I spell it.” – Stephen Colbert

Trump also weighed in on tomorrow’s special election in Georgia, saying, “The super liberal Democrat in the Georgia congressioal race tomorrow wants to protect criminals, allow illegal immigration and raise taxes!” That’s right, “congressioal.” Someone’s being tutored by Betsy DeVos. – Stephen Colbert

Things still aren’t looking good for United Airlines. Last week there was a huge story where they assaulted a man by pulling him off a flight. Well, Saturday, United kicked an engaged couple who were on the way to their wedding off of a plane for changing seats. Because you know after their last PR debacle United decided, “We’re not going to pull one more person off a flight — we’re going to pull two.” – James Corden

According to a new survey, 44 percent of people would rather take a longer flight that costs more than fly United Airlines. When they heard this, American Airlines said, “Done and done”. – Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that a Navy SEAL has been moonlighting for seven years as a porn star. Even more surprising: It turns out that the guy who killed Osama bin Laden was Ron Jeremy. – Conan O’Brien

Scientists have begun testing the possibility of using sperm to deliver life-saving drugs to specific parts of the female body. But first, they’re going to have guys test this out as a pick-up line. – Conan O’Brien

Scientists are now claiming that every hour spent running increases your lifespan by seven hours. In other words, a majority of Americans died three years ago. – Conan O’Brien

On a bittersweet note, the world’s oldest person has died in Italy at the age of 117. It’s tragic — she died in a knife fight with the world’s second-oldest person. I’m kidding! Do you know how she died? Bungee-jumping. – James Corden

A couple from Florida just set a record by taking their 200th Carnival Cruise. The couple said, “What can we say, we love diarrhea.” – Conan O’Brien

The latest “Fast and the Furious” movie, “The Fate of the Furious,” had one of the biggest Easter box office openings of all time. Even Jesus was like, “Those guys came back AGAIN? I mean, even I stopped at one sequel!” – Jimmy Fallon

A new poll finds that more than half of American adults say they’ve smoked marijuana. While the other half said, “Wait … what was the question?” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from Apr. 12, 2017]

Because of the sexual allegations against him, it’s rumored that Bill O’Reilly’s show may be going off the air. For continuity’s sake, Fox will replace it with reruns of “The Cosby Show”. – Conan O’Brien

After being accused of sexual harassment by five women, Bill O’Reilly announced he is taking a vacation. And if there’s any justice in the world he’ll be flying United. – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump will be running the White House Easter egg roll this year. Every year at the White House they have an egg roll. Which I think President Trump assumed was a menu item at P.F. Chang’s. – Jimmy Kimmel

They’re having trouble organizing Easter at the White House this year. Instead of an A-list musician, there will be a military band. And instead of eggs, there’s going to be golf balls and instead of children there will be old white guys. – Conan O’Brien

Even though this is an annual tradition, it’s been going on for 138 years, they’re having trouble getting it together this year. The White House apparently hasn’t sent out invitations yet. And they neglected to order the eggs. Every year they give kids wooden eggs as souvenirs of the Easter egg roll. This year the company that mills the eggs had to tweet a reminder to the president and first lady, “fiy, manufacturing deadlines for the Easter eggs are near, please reach out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

This may seem a little desperate but this is a company whose business is making wooden eggs. They miss Easter, they’re screwed, that’s it, nobody wants an egg on Flag Day. – Jimmy Kimmel

This weekend is Easter, where Christians celebrate the return of Jesus. Unfortunately, this year Jesus can’t return because he’s Middle Eastern and been detained at the airport. – Conan O’Brien

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer tried to down play the issues at his press briefing this afternoon. He did it an interesting way. He invited a group of children into the room and told them the egg roll doesn’t matter because there’s no such thing as the Easter bunny anyway. – Jimmy Kimmel

Before he was press secretary, Sean Spicer actually played the Easter bunny at the egg roll during the Bush administration. Which means this week, for the first time maybe in history, we got to see the Easter bunny apologize for comments about the Holocaust. – Jimmy Kimmel

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apologized for his Hitler comments and admitted he “screwed up”. I don’t think Spicer learned his lesson though, because he then said, “Even Hitler didn’t screw up as badly as I did.” – Conan O’Brien

A new article says that Donald Trump has changed the definition of the word “conservative.” It used to mean “traditional” and “right leaning” – now it means “batshit crazy.” – Conan O’Brien

Congratulations to the first lady, Melania Trump, who just got a nice payout from a British tabloid newspaper, The Daily Mail. According to CNN, Melania received $2.9 million in damages, which she’s using to build an escape tunnel back to Slovenia. – Jimmy Kimmel