Political Irony

[Jokes from May 3, 2017]

Last night, Melania Trump’s Twitter account liked a tweet suggesting she doesn’t like her husband. But Melania claims she didn’t mean to like it — she meant to RETWEET it. – Jimmy Fallon

Apparently, the tweet said the only wall Trump has built is the one between him and Melania. Trump was like, “At this point, I’ll take credit for ANY wall getting built.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump will return to New York City tomorrow for the first time since taking office. Melania was like, “Oh, that’s so crazy, I’m flying to D.C. tomorrow. Oh, you should have told me. Ships in the night.” – Seth Meyers

Yesterday, Trump had a big phone call with Vladimir Putin, where they agreed to work together on handling Kim Jong Un. You know a leader’s unstable when Trump and Putin are like, “We gotta keep an eye on that guy!” – Jimmy Fallon

I mean, seriously — Trump and Putin “fixing” North Korea? That’s like Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich “guarding” a wedding cake. – Jimmy Fallon

According to a new Politico poll, 48 percent of voters approve of the job President Trump is doing. Of course, a lot of them think that the job is plus-sized golf shirt model. – Seth Meyers

Today, FBI Director James Comey said the thought that he helped Donald Trump get elected president makes him “mildly nauseous”. Comey then excused himself to attend a meeting of Underreacters Anonymous. – Conan O’Brien

FBI Director James Comey testified before Congress today, and said that it makes him “mildly nauseous” to think that his actions might have affected the election. Of course, that might just be from all that time he spent looking at Anthony Weiner’s laptop. – Seth Meyers

Ivanka Trump has a new book of business advice for women. Tip No. 1 is “Be your rich dad’s favorite daughter.” – Conan O’Brien

Nissan is developing technology that blocks cellphone signals so people won’t be distracted by their smartphones. First Nissan will put the technology in their cars, then they’ll put it in the Oval Office. – Conan O’Brien

A company has come out with a robot that makes salad. So finally — a robot that’s not going to take away any American jobs! – Conan O’Brien

American Airlines recently announced that they plan on cutting leg room in economy class, while United Airlines announced they’ll be cutting legs. “We are coming down with the beverage cart! Get your legs out of the aisle!” – Seth Meyers

© Tom Tomorrow

Extra points if you can identify every last one of those lying journalists!

Why anyone believes the news media would bother making up negative stories about Donald Trump, when it would just be so much easier to just reprint his tweets all day long (which they also do) is beyond me. After all, Trump seems to have gotten pretty much all of his cabinet and staff to lie for him (even though when Trump self destructs, their political careers will be so completely dead forever).

I remember the era when folksingers were on the forefront of political protest. Are musicians too afraid to do that today?

Instead, comedians are filling the void. Here are two more videos from the same Stephen Colbert show:

• A Math Problem For Donald Trump
• Trump Was The Laughingstock Of NATO

[Jokes from May 1, 2017]

In a recent Reuters interview, President Trump reflected on his first 100 days in office saying, “I thought it would be easier.” What made you think it was going to be easy? This is what it did to a SMART person [shows 2008 and 2017 photos of Obama]. By the time you’re out of office, you’re going to look like the Toxic Avenger. – Seth Meyer

President Trump just did an interview where he wondered why the Civil War ever happened. Then Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said, “That’s easy, Captain America and Iron Man got in a big fight.” – Jimmy Fallon

In an interview today, President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. Even worse, then he questioned whom America fought in the Civil War. “Wait, I know this one. Was it China?” – Seth Meyer

Trump also said that Andrew Jackson was really angry about the Civil War, but Andrew Jackson actually died 16 years before it started. Trump said he’ll apologize to Jackson when they play golf together next week. – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. You know, at this rate the only way Trump is going to get a second term is if he’s held back. “All F’s? I flunked everything? I got a B+ in phys ed.” – Seth Meyer

Over the weekend, President Trump invited brutal Filipino dictator Rodrigo Duterte to visit the White House. It’s the first time Trump has ever said the words, “Rodrigo, please come to America.” – Conan O’Brien

President Trump also said he would be honored to meet North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Trump said, “He’s my kind of guy — he’s crazy, he’s overweight, and he has a ridiculous haircut. We should get together!” – Conan O’Brien

Trump’s keeping busy — in fact, he invited the leader of Thailand to visit the White House. But Trump thinks Thailand is just a clothing chain that sells really long ties. – Jimmy Fallon

Trump defended all his trips that he’s made to his golf courses, saying that he only goes there to hold meetings. Even guys who go to Hooters for the wings were like, “Yeah, right.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump said yesterday that being president has been a big burden on his family. “Yes, but somehow we manage,” said Melania from her penthouse in New York. – Seth Meyer

An Australian family managed to save the life of a lizard they found at the bottom of their pool by performing CPR on it. Can you imagine putting your lips on a lizard? And then Melania Trump was like, “Yeah, I can.” – James Corden

I consider myself a confident guy. But I have never ever, not even after six drinks, thought to myself, “I could probably give CPR to a lizard.” That family revived the lizard by performing CPR for 30 minutes. I give up looking for the TV remote after 25 seconds. – James Corden

The creators of Fyre Festival, a luxury music festival that left attendees on an island without adequate food, water, shelter, or medical care, are all being sued for $100 million. If you want to attend the trial, tickets start at $5,000. – Conan O’Brien

It was announced today that Kelly Ripa’s new co-host will be Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest was relieved, and said those 20 minutes he wasn’t on television were the scariest of his life. – Conan O’Brien

Taco Bell just announced that it will be adding beer to the menu at certain restaurants in Canada. It’s the first time that going to Taco Bell will lead to getting drunk and not the other way around. – James Corden

Taco Bell says serving alcohol is their attempt to attract a very specific demographic: divorced dads with weekend custody. – James Corden

[Jokes from Apr. 27, 2017]

The White House invited reporters to bring their kids with them this morning for Take Your Kids to Work Day. Or as Trump calls it, every day. – Jimmy Fallon

In case you weren’t aware, today was Take Your Child to Work Day. It’s a great way to see why Mommy and Daddy drink so much. Although at the White House, every day is take Your Child to Work Day, for your children and your son-in-law. – James Corden

It was really sweet. Trump asked the kids what they want to be when they grew up, and then they asked Trump what he wants to be when he grows up. – Jimmy Fallon

After alluding to a big tax reform announcement earlier this week, the White House finally released their tax plan and it was only a one-page-long document with very little information. It was a one-page memo — even Rachel Maddow was like, “This is a huge disappointment.” – James Corden

The White House promised a big announcement. But keep in mind, even a one-page document looks very big in Donald Trump’s tiny hands. – James Corden

There’s a lot going on in Washington right now — Trump is working on a new budget, tax reform, healthcare, trade. So to make sure he doesn’t forget anything he actually likes to set reminders on his phone. For example, he has this one reminder that says, “Play Tetris to practice building the wall.” – Jimmy Fallon

According to a new report, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was recently forced to explain to President Trump 11 times how trade works with European countries. She started to lose it around “nein”. – Seth Meyers

According to a new CNN poll, 44 percent of Americans approve of the job President Trump is doing as he approaches his 100th day in office. While the other 56 percent said, “It’s only been 100 days?!” – Seth Meyers

United Airlines fell by 66 percent in an annual survey of passengers’ favorite airlines, down to just 3.3 percent. Although, that means that 3.3 percent of travelers saw a man get dragged off a plane and thought, “This is my favorite airline.” – Jimmy Fallon

After a month of very bad PR, United Airlines is offering up to $10,000 to passengers on overbooked flights. But you know another thing they could do? Stop selling more tickets than there are seats on the plane! Just don’t do that! – James Corden

Federal agents just seized 300 pounds of yak meat that was illegally smuggled into JFK airport. And yet somehow JFK still smells less like yak meat than LaGuardia. – Jimmy Fallon

A third-grade class in New Jersey recently found a boa constrictor in the back of their classroom. Even scarier, they DIND’T find Billy. – Seth Meyers

A campaign in the U.K. is encouraging parents to teach their children the accurate words for their genitals from a young age. Of course in the U.K., genitals are called “crisps.” – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Apr. 26, 2017]

I want to say happy birthday to first lady Melania Trump, who turned 47 years old today! She plans to celebrate with her loved ones. And Donald. – Jimmy Fallon

Today President Trump tweeted, “Happy birthday to our first lady, Melania!” And this is historic — it’s the first time Trump has said something nice to an immigrant. – Conan O’Brien

Today was first lady Melania Trump’s birthday. And after she blew out the candles, nobody had to ask what she wished for. – Seth Meyers

They celebrated like they always do: making sure Donald has something to unwrap too, so he doesn’t feel left out. – Jimmy Fallon

Ivanka Trump is being criticized after it came out the workers at a Chinese factory who make her fashion line earn roughly $1 an hour. President Trump was pretty upset with Ivanka. He was like, “Wait, you pay your workers?” – James Corden

Big news out of Washington, D.C., just this afternoon, as the White House finally released Trump’s tax plan. That plan? Never release Trump’s taxes. – Stephen Colbert

The Trump administration has a very strong rationale for simplifying the tax code. “In 1935, we had a one-page tax form consisting of 34 lines with two pages of instructions. Today, the basic 1040 form has 79 lines and 211 pages of instructions.” 1935 was the height of the Great Depression, so the two-page form was just “Page 1: Do you have money? Yes or no.” And page 2 was so you would have something to eat. – Stephen Colbert

President Trump unveiled his new tax plan today. And it’s pretty much the same as his old plan: He’s not gonna pay them. – Seth Meyers

President Trump spoke on the phone with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau yesterday amidst increased tensions on trade. I’m guessing Trump wanted to trade … faces? – Seth Meyers

President Trump is considering opening federal park land to developers. In fact, builders have already broken ground on a Bed, Bath & Grand Canyon. – Conan O’Brien

I read that the Republicans’ spending package does not include any money for Trump’s border wall. Then Trump told his secretary, “Get me the CEO of Lego.” – Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Sen. Ted Cruz introduced a bill to Congress called the El Chapo Act, which would use money seized from the Mexican drug lord El Chapo to pay for Donald Trump’s border wall. Now, this is a story about Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and El Chapo — and I’ll be honest, I’m not sure who to root for here. – James Corden

They’re calling it the El Chapo Act because what better way to build a wall than with money from a guy who’s famous for tunneling under walls? – James Corden

The Associated Press revealed that President Trump has a single red button on his Oval Office desk that he can push at any time and have a butler bring him a Coke. And I think I speak for everyone when I say: Oh, THAT’S what the red button on his desk is for. Whew, thank God! – James Corden

But it’s not just Coke; Trump also has a button that he presses whenever there is a protest, and it makes Kendall Jenner come out and give everyone a Pepsi. – James Corden

Chris Christie says that he’d give Trump a “B” on his first 100 days. Then said he’d give him an “A” on immigration, and a “C” on healthcare, and long story short, he ended up just spelling “bacon”. – Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that the first humans to arrive in what is now North America may have been Neanderthals. Apparently they came here to vote in the 2016 election. – Conan O’Brien

It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush. – Jimmy Fallon

Congratulations to Greta Van Susteren on her new, show “For the Record”. If you remember, for years, her old show on Fox News was called “On the Record.” Because “for” the record, she no longer believes anything she said that was “on” the record. I look forward to seeing her future CNN show, “Please Erase the Record.” – Stephen Colbert

More trouble for United Airlines: This week, one of their flights had to make an emergency landing in Costa Rica after an engine overheated. United’s flight attendants quickly evacuated the plane by picking up passengers and throwing them down the inflatable slide. – Jimmy Fallon

United Airlines is investigating a report that a giant rabbit died on a flight from London to Chicago. He was survived by his wife and 167 children. – Seth Meyers

There’s a new device being sold by Amazon that helps users choose what clothes to wear. When you buy the device, Amazon says, “Customers who liked this may also like ‘a gay best friend’.” – Conan O’Brien

According to reports, a group of buyers led by Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter has won the auction to purchase the Miami Marlins. Jeter is excited to get back to baseball, while Jeb is excited to get back to losing. – Seth Meyers

L.A. is one of the two finalists to host the 2024 Olympics. So if you want to attend one of the events in L.A., you should get on the freeway now. – Conan O’Brien

In Philadelphia, police are looking for a man who robbed a Dunkin’ Donuts, and was caught on a surveillance camera doing some stretches in the parking lot just beforehand. Police are on the lookout for the only health-conscious person to ever enter a Dunkin’ Donuts. – Conan O’Brien

The NFL Draft is this week and the Houston Texans will announce some of their picks from outer space, using astronauts aboard the International Space Station. Meanwhile the Patriots will announce their picks from a Russian spy satellite. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Apr. 25, 2017]

President Trump did an interview the other day where he said he never realized that being president was such a big responsibility. And somewhere far, far away, Hillary Clinton crushed the wine glass she was holding. – Jimmy Fallon

We’re creeping up on Donald Trump’s 100th day as president. Coincidentally, my 100th day on Xanax. – James Corden

Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was just vandalized again. As of tonight, police have narrowed down the list of suspects to 150 million people. – Jimmy Fallon

A company in Japan has created a device to help parents shut down their child’s smartphone if they use it too much. It’s meant for children ages 6 to 12 or the president of the United States. – Conan O’Brien

It was reported that President Trump spoke today at the Holocaust Museum, though Steve Bannon denies it. – Seth Meyers

President Trump spoke today at the National Holocaust Museum’s National Day of Remembrance. He reminded the crowd that we must never forget the 6 million people who attended his inauguration. – Seth Meyers

Top Republicans are now saying that Trump’s border wall doesn’t mean an actual wall, but a metaphor. Which makes sense, because during the campaign all those Trump supporters were shouting “build the metaphor, build the metaphor!” – Conan O’Brien

Trump is asking Congress to fund his border wall, and there might be a government shutdown if they don’t. Or as Trump put it, “Hear that? The wall hasn’t even been built, and it’s already a HUGE obstacle.” Amazing how quickly that happened! Bigly! – Jimmy Fallon

Every day, tensions are rising between the United States and our sworn enemy, Canada: Cold Mexico, the Great White North Korea. – Stephen Colbert

Trump hasn’t visited a single foreign country in his first 100 days, while Obama had visited nine. And today, Trump was like, “Quick, take me to Epcot! I need to bang out 10 countries ASAP.” – Jimmy Fallon

Since becoming president, Donald Trump has not left the country — he’s barely left the country club. But today, Trump sent Ivanka to Berlin to participate in a women’s conference, making her the first Trump to attend a women’s conference that didn’t include a swimsuit competition. – Stephen Colbert

Ivanka Trump was booed in Germany. Apparently she told the people of Berlin, “Why would you get rid of a perfectly good wall?” – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka Trump, was booed at a women’s entrepreneurship summit in Germany on Tuesday when she described her father as “a tremendous champion of supporting families.” You know you’re on the wrong side of history when Germany’s booing you. – James Corden

When Ivanka was talking about her father and how he was a champion of family leave, she was met with groans and hisses from the audience. Well, that’s not fair. Trump obviously supports family leave. That’s why he’s always leaving one and starting another. – Stephen Colbert

In Germany, Ivanka Trump told a crowd that her father is a “champion of supporting families” and she got booed. Ivanka said she was surprised; she has always been told to open with a joke. – Conan O’Brien

Ivanka spoke on a panel titled “Inspiring Women: Scaling Up Women’s Entrepreneurship.” And the Trump family has a long history of inspiring women — to march, to sue, to flee from a dressing room. – Stephen Colbert

Stateside, they’ve had trouble moving Ivanka’s line of clothing, so they secretly relabeled it as Adrienne Vittadini. That’s how unpopular the Trump name is — her clothing has been put in the Witness Protection Program. – Stephen Colbert

Saudi Arabia has been named to the United Nations’ Commission on Women’s Rights. In a related story, Ireland has been named to the UN Commission on Sobriety and Tanning. – Conan O’Brien

The U.S. State Department has hired a female anchor from Fox News. However, the State Department described it as “more of a rescue mission.” – Conan O’Brien

The founder of Wikipedia recently announced plans for crowd-funded new website in the hopes it would combat the spread of “fake news”. But take that with a grain of salt, because I read it on Wikipedia. – Seth Meyers

A nature preserve in Kenya has set up a Tinder account to find a mate for its male white rhino. Then, today, the rhino revealed it would prefer to be on Grindr. – Conan O’Brien

Spirit Airlines has scored the lowest customer satisfaction rating in its industry for the third year in a row. Really? Lower than United? What does Spirit Airlines do when their flights are overbooked, just crash the plane into a mountain? – Seth Meyers