Seth Meyers hits the nail on the head. Not just about Donald Trump’s crazy behavior, but also who would believe anything Trump says? It is so easy to catch him in a lie, even obvious lies.
Who cares if Trump made recordings of his conversations with James Comey (which he almost certainly did not)? You just have to look at publicly available video of Trump making speeches (or holding a public cabinet meeting) to see him lie.
[Jokes from May 15, 2017]
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news: The Washington Post reports that Trump revealed highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador. Good news: Trump found the leaker. – Stephen Colbert
The Washington Post this evening reported that President Trump revealed highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador during their closed-door meeting last week. You have to be kidding me! How can you let highly classified information fall into the hands of Donald Trump? – Seth Meyers
When Kislyak and Lavrov were in the Oval Office last week, Trump apparently went off script and began describing details about an Islamic state terrorist threat. That is unbelievable — Trump has a script? I don’t believe that for a minute. I need intel on that. – Stephen Colbert
The information is so sensitive, the article can’t describe in detail what was shared, but one official said, “This is code-word information.” ”Code word” means the vital aspects of the story have to be replaced with other words. You have to say things like, “The package has been delivered.” “The squirrel is in the basket.” ”The idiot is in the Oval.” – Stephen Colbert
The president, I’m sure you know, fired FBI Director James Comey last week and then tweeted this. He wrote, “James Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” I don’t know, if I was Donald Trump I wouldn’t mention tapes and leaking in the same sentence. Just in case. – Jimmy Kimmel
Lawmakers in Washington are now demanding if there are tapes, Trump turn them over. Not just Democrats, but Republicans like Sen. Lindsey Graham are urging the White House to clear the air too. Here’s the thing: Donald Trump will never release tapes because the only tapes he has were recorded on the “Access Hollywood” bus. – Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump yesterday issued a statement calling for paid family leave. Which is a little surprising until you remember that he’s already paid two families to leave. – Seth Meyers
According to the Social Security Administration, the fastest growing boy’s name in 2016 was Kylo, after Kylo Ren, the main villain in the “Star Wars” film “The Force Awakens”. I guess villains are popular right now. Which means a year from now, the hot new baby name is going to be Donald. – James Corden
Parents at a Florida school are reportedly outraged after a video surfaced of students in a classroom twerking and giving lap dances. Or as it’s called in Florida, Career Day. – Seth Meyers
Sadly the president did not get to go to Florida this weekend. He had to stay back to give the commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday, where he inspired graduates by marveling at the size of the crowds he’s able to draw. [Video of Trump] “This is a beautiful stadium. And it is packed. I’m so happy about that.” Donald Trump is the only person who can show up at an event where families come to see their children graduate and assume the crowd is there to see him. – Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump gave a commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday and he said, “Always have the courage to be yourself and chase your dreams.” Then he stopped talking because he ran out of fortune cookies. – Jimmy Fallon
I guess there was one awkward moment during the speech, when Trump said that there are more job openings than ever. And the students said, “Yeah, ’cause you keep firing everyone.” – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump had a message for the moms of the world yesterday. He wrote, “Wishing FLOTUS Melania and all the great mothers out there a wonderful day with family and friends.” Then he went to play golf by himself. I’m pretty sure going to play golf alone on Mother’s Day while your wife takes care of the kid is grounds for divorce, isn’t it? – Jimmy Kimmel
I have to say I’m very proud of myself. I made sure my wife had a great Mother’s Day. I got up early. I got up at 7 a.m. I quietly slipped out of bed. I left the house, didn’t come back until nighttime. That way she could have the whole day with the kids, just her and a 2-year-old and an infant. And you know what’s weird, she didn’t even thank me. – Jimmy Kimmel
Not only was it Mother’s Day, also this weekend we had the mother of all cyberattacks, the biggest cyberattack in history. More than 300,000 people and institutions in about 150 countries had their data held hostage by ransomware called WannaCry, which sounds like a new single from Harry Styles. – Jimmy Kimmel
Over the weekend, the world’s biggest-ever cyberattack spread around the globe infecting 150 countries. It’s pretty horrifying. Computers have been totally destroyed. In some cases, in extreme cases, people were forced to have actual face-to-face conversations. It was a nightmare. – James Corden
The virus involved in the attack is called ransomware and it locks up your computer and tells you that you can unlock it by paying the hackers $300. Which is kind of insulting when you think about it, when the hackers are like, “If you want your life back, you give us … $300.” That’s it? That’s all I’m worth? My life, $300? – James Corden
Now this was interesting: The virus was stopped by a computer security expert who is only 22 years old. It is incredible. It’s the first time a 22-year-old guy has stopped a virus without putting ointment on it. – James Corden
Customs officials in Malaysia have seized over 300 tortoises that were being smuggled through the airport. Three hundred tortoises, or as it’s technically known, a McConnell family reunion. – Seth Meyers
Yesterday, 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You can tell he’s young ’cause after they swore him in, his first words in his speech were, “So, that just happened.” – Jimmy Fallon
South Korea just elected a new president. And I don’t know if you saw this, one of his bodyguards is so super-hot that people on the internet are losing it. This is the security guard [shows photo]. I mean come on, ladies — that guy can debrief me any time. – James Corden
I get what is going on here. The new South Korean president is kind of average-looking, you know, so why not surround yourself with someone young and hot. Did I mention Harry Styles is here all week? – James Corden
American Airlines says it’s getting rid of seat-back TV screens, because most people bring a device with them. While United’s doing the same thing on their flights, because most people just watch the live entertainment. – Jimmy Fallon
A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to sky dive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines. – Seth Meyers
Two people in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed. – Jimmy Fallon
It’s prom season right now, and at a prom in Memphis, Tenn., the rapper Drake made an appearance attending the event with his cousin and her date. Kind of a mixed bag though, because on one hand you came to the prom with Drake. On the other hand you came to the prom with your cousin. – James Corden
Donald Trump held his first full cabinet meeting, and of course he started it off by praising himself and castigating the Democrats and calling them names. But then he did something that chilled me to the bone. One after another, he had his cabinet members sing his praises, like he was some kind of demigod glorious leader. Where did he get this idea from? North Korea?
The video starts with Trump’s initial self praise, included again claiming that no president in history has done as much as he has and that he has passed more legislation than any other president (easily debunked). And then blaming any problems on the Democrats. You can skip forward to the ritual kissing of the president’s ass, starting at 11:47. I challenge you to watch more than a minute of it without feeling sick:
Luckily, Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer has the remedy — humor. He mocked Trump’s cabinet meeting, including one person directly quoting what Reince Priebus said in praise of Trump, which manages to crack everyone up.
[Jokes from May 11, 2017]
The big story still is Trump firing FBI Director James Comey, and it turns out Comey had six years left on his 10-year term. It’s easier get out of your FBI contract than it is your AT&T contract. – Jimmy Fallon
I think the strategist thing about how all this went down is that Trump fired James Comey by letter. He had a letter delivered to his office at the FBI. He didn’t even say, “You’re fired”, which is his catch phrase! It would be like Arnold Schwarzenegger leaving a party and just going, “See ya.” – Jimmy Kimmel
Tonight President Trump gave his first TV interview since he fired the director of the FBI on Tuesday. You know, one of the reasons they’re giving for that firing is that Trump said James Comey lost the trust of rank and file FBI agents. And today the acting head of the FBI, Andrew McCabe, flatly contradicted that. He said the vast majority of agents hold a deep positive connection to Director Comey. So he’s fired too, then, right? Everybody’s fired. – Jimmy Kimmel
Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee today. It went like this: “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” “I do.” “OK. You’re fired.” – Seth Meyers
In that same interview while talking about the economy, Donald Trump used the common phrase “prime the pump”, and he then went on to say — these are his actual words — “Have you heard that expression used before? Because I haven’t heard it. I came up with it a couple of days ago and I thought it was good. It’s what you have to do.” – James Corden
Trump did an interview with The Economist in which he claims to have invented the phrase “priming the pump”. For real. He said he came up with it a couple of days ago and he thought it was good. He’s right, it is good. The phrase “priming the pump” has been around since the early 1930s. – Jimmy Kimmel
Later — this is absolutely true — Merriam-Webster Dictionary tweeted this at the president: “‘Pump priming’ has been used to refer to government expenditures since 1933.” But Trump’s not worried about criticism over this. He says that he faced the same backlash when he invented the term “on fleek.” – James Corden
Everyone is very focused on the Comey firing and whether Trump’s people colluded with the Russians — and all that is important. But I think this is even more important. Because forget everything politically, forget everything you believe for a minute, forget whether you’re a Democrat or Republican. Just clear your mind and ask yourself, what kind of a person thinks he came up with the phrase “priming the pump”? – Jimmy Kimmel
Now think about this: The dictionary is mad at Trump. But this is isn’t the first time he’s had trouble with books. You remember his inauguration when he put his hand on that Bible and it burst into flames? – James Corden
I mean, who would ever say, “Yeah, thought of that” — only a crazy person. Every sane English-speaking person knows that unless Donald Trump is secretly 120 years old, he didn’t come up with “priming the pump”. That’s a red flag for a mental disorder. Even Melania was like, “You didn’t write that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
It’s funny, every time Donald Trump does something like this, people go, “Is he crazy? Or is he crazy like a fox?” Well, I’m here to tell you there’s no fox. It’s just all crazy. – Jimmy Kimmel
Although Trump doesn’t get credit for creating the term “prime the pump”. he has created lots of other things. He has, for example, created Sean Spicer’s ulcers, soaring stock prices for Xanax, and he created — let’s not forget — he created lots of jobs for his kids. – James Corden
Today was Eat What You Want Day, but “how can you eat a father’s love?” asked Eric. – Seth Meyers
In the middle of all this, Trump met with the Russian foreign minister yesterday and the White House says Russia tricked them by posting photos of the meeting. Got suspicious when the photographer told Trump, “OK, now do silly one when you hold up nuclear codes.” – Jimmy Fallon
Today Donald Trump signed an executive order to establish a commission to investigate voter fraud. Trump says that he and his commission want to make sure every American gets a vote, and that every Russian gets two. – James Corden
In other Trump news, in an interview with The Economist published today, Trump said he might release his tax returns one day, once he’s out of office. So if we want to see those tax returns, all we have to do is get him out of office. Let’s see if we can speed that up! – James Corden
In a newly released interview, President Trump said that he might release his tax returns after he leaves the White House. So keep your eyes peeled, ’cause he leaves the White House a lot. – Seth Meyers
Now Trump’s exact quote about his tax return was, “Oh, at some point I’ll release them. Maybe I’ll release them after I’m finished because I’m very proud of them, actually, I did a good job.” Who talks about their tax forms like that? We want him to release his taxes, but at this point, I’d settle for him releasing his high school diploma. – James Corden
He says he’s going to do the right thing but after the fact. That’s like saying I’m going to put a condom on right after the baby is born. – James Corden
President Trump’s approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, his approval rating is down to 36 percent. If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it. – Jimmy Kimmel
A Confederate monument was removed today from New Orleans. No word on if they’ll relocate it to D.C., [shows photo of Jeff Sessions] like the Confederate monument they removed from Alabama. – Seth Meyers
The next season of “Scandal” will be its last. ABC is ending “Scandal.” Fortunately, the White House picked it up for four more seasons. – Jimmy Fallon
Trump claims he would have won the popular vote if there hadn’t been voter fraud but there is absolutely no proof of that. We are now just creating commissions to prove Trump’s dumb theories. I can’t wait for the report from the Senate commission on “But No Seriously, Meryl Streep Is Overrated.” – James Corden
Blue Cross is partnering with Lyft to give people rides to the doctor. It costs $600. The drivers are specially trained, and — it’s just an ambulance. – Jimmy Fallon
Ride hailing service Uber will now allow users to save addresses other than home or work for quick access in the app. So get ready to get caught! – Seth Meyers
Jen Sorensen has some great commentary to go with her hilarious comic:
Most people seem to get the sarcasm of this cartoon, but I’d like to be clear that my intention is to neither deprecate the “feminine” nor celebrate hyper-masculinity. I’ve been wanting to write a comic for a while about how virtually everything is gendered, especially when it comes to political rhetoric. Trump’s statements about climate change (and, well, lots of other things too) are loaded with manly-man dog whistles. Which is ironic, considering that Trump is hardly a chiseled specimen of manhood — the low-energy duffer had to ride in a golf cart behind European leaders as they walked a short distance. The thing is, a large swath of the American electorate is, unfortunately, swayed by tough talk — however stupid — and a fear of being perceived as weak or female. And I’m afraid that to reach those people, you may need to “speak their language” to some extent, by appealing to ideas of toughness. But toughness should not be understood as necessarily male. Caring for the planet we inhabit is a form of strength, virtue, and personal responsibility, qualities that can apply to men and women equally. Incidentally, I wouldn’t go so far as to call Republicans “climate cucks” in real life, as that particular term has problematic alt-right origins, and I use it satirically here. But climate weaklings? Hell yeah.
It’s true. Donald Trump likes to play the tough guy, who never apologies, never backs down, and doubles down even when he is totally wrong.
Like that’s not a recipe for disaster for someone with the nuclear codes.
[Jokes from May 10, 2017]
Yesterday, Donald Trump fired the director of the FBI, James Comey, and I guess Comey heard about it right before a recruitment event he was going to speak at. Then he was like, “Hey, while I’m recruiting — anyone wanna be director? It just came up. I just got the email.” – Jimmy Fallon
We’re starting with what might be the most shocking episode of “The Celebrity President” yet. President Trump yesterday said adios to James Comey, who was director of the FBI, and also was in charge of investigating his campaign’s relationship with the Russians. He fired the guy who is investigating him. When we said Trump should act more presidential, we probably should have specified we didn’t mean Nixon. – Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday, FBI Director James Comey got a letter from President Trump informing him that his services were no longer needed. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “I would kill for one of those letters.” – Conan O’Brien
Trump had his long-time personal bodyguard deliver a letter in a manila envelope to FBI headquarters informing him he was fired. James Comey wasn’t there, he was here in L.A. speaking to a group of FBI agents and they had the TV on. He sees on the news that he was fired. He thought it was a prank. For real, he thought it was — which makes you wonder what kind of friends he has. – Jimmy Kimmel
They’re also saying when he got the news, Comey thought it was a prank and started laughing. But to be fair, that’s also how Trump reacted when he won the election. “That’s very good — where’s Ashton Kutcher? I love that guy!” – Jimmy Fallon
It’s been a historic day. We have reached a milestone as a nation. It’s not just that the president fired the head of the FBI. No, here’s the milestone — we have apparently elected a president who truly does not care about what anything looks like. Which is surprising for a guy whose actual face we’ve never seen. – Stephen Colbert
Today, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he had nothing to do with the firing of FBI Director James Comey. Putin said, “How could I? He’s still alive, isn’t he?” – Conan O’Brien
Of course, it drew immediate reactions from other politicians. When she heard Comey was fired, Hillary called him and said, “Aw, did someone take away a job that was rightfully yours? Ah, too bad!” – Jimmy Fallon
The White House announced yesterday that President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Yet another long-time dream that Trump stole from Hillary. – Seth Meyers
Today, President Trump promised to bring back “the spirit and prestige of the FBI.” Trump said, “When I’m arrested, I want to be arrested by the very best.” – Conan O’Brien
The fallout continues after the surprise firing of FBI Director James Comey yesterday. Apparently Comey was in Los Angeles and found out that he was fired when he saw it on television. Which basically means Trump fired the head of the FBI the same way he fired Gary Busey — on television. – James Corden
Now of course President Trump spoke about the backlash. He gave a very calm and measured interview to NPR. I’m kidding! He fired off a string of angry tweets. – James Corden
The word is Trump has been planning to fire Comey for at least a week. And he evidently asked Attorney General Jeff Sessions to come up with reasons to fire him. So now the Department of Justice is the Department of Justification. – Stephen Colbert
It’s come out that in the days before the Comey firing, Donald Trump would often scream at cable TV. He would usually yell, “YOU’RE not the Cake Boss — I’M the Cake Boss!” – Conan O’Brien
The whole administration is facing questions about this firing. After reporters were hounding Press Secretary Sean Spicer for comments, he did what any professional White House press secretary would do: He hid in the bushes. – James Corden
After news of the Comey firing broke last night, Press Secretary Sean Spicer avoided reporters by hiding behind a bush outside the White House. Today, Bill Clinton said, “Oh yeah, I remember that bush.” – Conan O’Brien
Think about that for a second — a grown man hiding in the bushes from doing his job. That’s like when I hide in the gym toilets to avoid my personal trainer. “Get your feet up, he won’t know I’m in here!” – James Corden
Spicer finally agreed to come out if the reporters turned their camera lights off and their cameras. I guess for some reason he felt like the White House press secretary crawling out of his hiding place might be a bad visual. – Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday when the Comey firing happened, White House “stress secretary” Sean Spicer was about to leave for his Navy Reserve duty. And he didn’t want to answer questions, so he hid in the bushes outside the White House. For real. Sometimes you’ve got to stop and smell the Rose Garden, you know? – Jimmy Kimmel
So Comey has been fired, or as Fox News put it, “James Comey resigns”. – Stephen Colbert
Can you imagine finding out you lost your job like that? I mean, I get [ticked off] when I find out about “Game of Thrones” spoilers. – James Corden
President Vladimir Putin said today that Russia had “nothing to do with” the firing of FBI Director James Comey. And you can tell, because Comey’s alive. – Seth Meyers
Firing Jim Comey, head of the FBI, really feels like Authoritarianism 101. Which, by the way, a very difficult class. – Stephen Colbert
Analysts are saying that last night’s events could be “the beginning of the end for Donald Trump.” Oh wait, I’m sorry, this joke is from a monologue I did last year. – Conan O’Brien
This morning he attacked his critics on Twitter and in one tweet referred to Sen. Chuck Schumer as Cryin’ Chuck Schumer. Now you remember he does this, there was also Lyin’ Ted Cruz and Crooked Hillary. I’m starting to think the only job Trump is really qualified for is coming up with catchy stage names for professional wrestlers. – James Corden
Melania Trump will join Donald on his first trip overseas as president. Melania said she’s a little nervous for the trip because it’s always hard traveling with a baby. – Jimmy Fallon
I read about a coffee shop in Toronto that doesn’t have any Wi-Fi to encourage customers to talk to each other. Although all the customers talk about now is how they should really get Wi-Fi in this coffee shop. – Jimmy Fallon
A retreat called “Cannabliss” will take place next month in California. It’s a five-day marijuana festival that lasts 10 days. – Seth Meyers
Paul Ryan is defending Donald Trump’s attempts to interfere with FBI investigations (commonly called “obstruction of justice”) by claiming that Trump just didn’t know:
Of course, there needs to be a degree of independence between [the Department of Justice], FBI and the White House, and a line of communication’s established. The president’s new at this. He’s new to government. So he probably wasn’t steeped in the long-running protocols that establish the relationships between DOJ, the FBI and White Houses. He’s just new to this.
Is Ryan claiming that ignorance of the law is a good excuse? Even for the president?
But I personally don’t think that this is even a believable excuse. The real problem is that Trump has such an absolutely tenuous connection to reality that he feels perfectly willing and able to lie about just about anything, even things that are trivially disproved.
For example, on Friday Trump attacked James Comey, calling the former FBI director a liar, a leaker, and without actually providing any actual evidence against Comey’s testimony under oath, claimed that there was “No collusion. No obstruction.”
Then Trump had to just throw out one last thing. He tried to claim that the whole Russia investigation was merely a creation of those loser Democrats:
That was an excuse by the Democrats, who lost an election that some people think they shouldn’t have lost, because it’s almost impossible for the Democrats to lose the electoral college, as you know. You have to run up the whole East Coast and you have to win everything as a Republican, and that’s just what we did.
Trump is absolutely obsessed by the magnitude of his victory over Hillary Clinton, such as her taking the popular vote, and even including such inconsequential things as the size of his inauguration crowd. So he is now claiming that he won the entire Eastern seaboard.
But that is a total fabrication. Trump won four states on the East coast: Florida, Georgia, and both Carolinas. He also won one electoral vote (out of four) in Maine (a state that divides up its electoral votes). It would be accurate to say that Trump won four states in the south, and other than one EV in Maine, lost the rest of the Eastern Seaboard (eight states and DC, plus three EVs in Maine).
But Trump seems to believe that he won “everything”. He might also believe that Comey is a liar and a leaker. Although Trump is (once again) just hurling insults and calling names, as he has not presented any evidence that Comey lied, nor that Comey did anything illegal in getting his own memo disseminated to the public.
[Jokes from May 9, 2017]
A few hours ago, President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Apparently Trump still hasn’t forgiven Comey for making him president. – Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump, who maybe you haven’t heard is president now, a few hours ago fired James Comey, the director of the FBI — which is kind of like O.J. firing Judge Ito halfway through the trial. – Jimmy Kimmel
Huge story that broke just minutes ago: FBI Director James Comey has just been fired by Donald Trump. That shows no gratitude at all. Did Trump forget about the Hillary emails that Comey talked about? “Thanks for the presidency, Jimmy. Now don’t let the door hit ya where the Electoral College split ya.” – Stephen Colbert
President Trump has fired FBI director James Comey. A massive story, a massive decision. Hey, remember two years ago when we all made jokes about if Trump ever became president, he’d be like, “You’re fired. You’re fired. You’re fired.” – James Corden
He fired the director of the FBI while the director was investigating his people for possible collusion with Russia. This is unbelievable. This is the kind of thing dictators do. This is the kind of thing reality TV hosts do, they fire someone every week. – Jimmy Kimmel
Maybe that’s what happened, he thinks he’s still on “The Celebrity Apprentice.” It was between James Comey and Meatloaf, and, well, the Loaf won again. – Jimmy Kimmel
The White House is saying Comey has been fired for his handling of the Hillary Clinton email investigation. Other people are saying he’s being fired because of the Russia investigation. While I say Comey is being fired because Donald Trump is crazy! – James Corden
One reason they gave for firing him is because he mishandled the Hillary Clinton email situation, which is hilarious because that would mean Trump fired James Comey for making him president. – Jimmy Kimmel
We’ve seen a lot of unusual stuff, but this is outrageous. When something outrageous happens, I don’t just sit on my hands, I do something about it. That’s why I will be selling these “Comey Is My Homey” t-shirts. Send me $29.99, and I will use some of that money to send a very nasty letter to the Oval Office. – Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday, we learned that during their first meeting after the election, Obama warned Trump about hiring Michael Flynn. And it was just as effective as when Obama warned America about hiring Trump. – Stephen Colbert
Why didn’t Trump heed this warning? Sources say Trump thought Obama was joking. You know, that old joke: “Why did the chicken cross the road?” “He’s working for the Russians. And it’s actually Michael Flynn in a chicken costume.” – Stephen Colbert
In her testimony, Sally Yates said she warned White House officials about Mike Flynn being compromised by the Russians. Yates also tried to warn Mike Pence, but every time she entered the room he yelled, “Out, temptress!” – Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, President Trump tweeted that the investigation into ties between his campaign and Russia is a “taxpayer-funded charade”. And he said he’d be even angrier about it if he were a taxpayer. – Jimmy Fallon
I saw that Trump’s daughter Tiffany will attend Georgetown Law School this fall. The president was so excited, today he said, “Congratulations to my non-Ivanka daughter!” – Jimmy Fallon
Do you guys remember Antonio Sabato Jr.? He’s a former model that used to appear on soap operas like “General Hospital” and “Melrose Place”. Well, he’s a huge Trump supporter and he just announced that he’s running for Congress. He has the right qualifications for a successful politician these days — absolutely no qualifications. – James Corden
Today former President Obama said, “You get the politicians you deserve.” When the bartender tried to cut him off, Obama said, “I’m FIIIINE!” – Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, Kim Jong Un hurled a series of insults at Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. In a related story, Fox News has finally found its replacement for Bill O’Reilly. – Conan O’Brien
A senator made history this week by breastfeeding in the Senate Chamber. The bad news is, it was Mitch McConnell. – Conan O’Brien
On this day in 1960, the FDA approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9% effective means. – Seth Meyers
A Twitter plea from a teen for a year of free Wendy’s chicken nuggets is now the most retweeted post of all time, followed by the time Justin Bieber accidentally tweeted out the number 3. – Seth Meyers
Just in time for Mother’s Day, Dove is selling body wash in six different bottles, to represent the different shapes of women’s bodies. Yep, it’s being called the perfect gift if you want to offend your mom. – Jimmy Fallon
Good luck to the husband whose wife sends him out to buy her body wash. (WIFE ON PHONE) “Honey, you’ve been at CVS for over an hour, is everything OK?” (HUSBAND ON PHONE) “Yeah, just trying to make a decision that won’t ruin the rest of my life.” – Jimmy Fallon
Hey, I saw that today is National Teacher Day! Unless you’re home-schooled. Then it’s Mother’s Day: Part 1. – Jimmy Fallon
Queen Elizabeth was spotted driving herself home from church yesterday in a Jaguar. A Jaguar? [leers at photo of queen] All I see is a cougar. – Seth Meyers
This week, a Toyota Land Cruiser set the record as the world’s fastest SUV after reaching 230 mph. Apparently somebody was really late to their kid’s soccer game. – Conan O’Brien
A Toyota recently set a record for world’s fastest SUV after going 230 miles per hour. It was driven by a mom who forgot her kid at soccer practice. – Seth Meyers
Yesterday, a brawl broke out at a Florida airport after Spirit Airlines canceled several flights. To restore control, airport police were forced to fire Cinnabons into the crowd. – Conan O’Brien
Spirit’s having a dispute with its pilots. The pilots say Spirit is paying them peanuts. Not figuratively — they pay them with the little bags of peanuts we used to get before everyone was allergic. – Jimmy Kimmel
Some of the pilots have been refusing to fly, so Spirit had to cancel nine flights from Fort Lauderdale. Passengers obviously weren’t happy about that. All hell broke loose. It was like Black Friday minus the part where you go home with a new TV. – Jimmy Kimmel
About 300 Spirit flights have been canceled over the past week, leaving thousands of passengers grounded and angry. It’s hard to say which is worse, a canceled Spirit Airlines flight or actually being on a Spirit Airlines flight. – Jimmy Kimmel
For the last few years, Kansas governor Sam Brownback, with the help of the solidly Republican legislature and the Koch brothers, has been performing a grand conservative experiment of massive tax and spending cuts. Brownback promised “enormous prosperity” but instead the whole state has gone to hell in a handbasket (a handbasket that used to be named “trickle down economics” and is now called “austerity”).
Well, the nightmare might be starting to end. Earlier this week, the Kansas legislature voted to reverse Brownback’s tax cuts and increase taxes. Brownback promptly vetoed that bill, and then a miracle happened — the legislature overrode Brownback’s veto. To give you an idea of how crazy this is, even some legislators who voted against the bill in the first place (including the House Speaker) changed their minds and voted to override the Governor’s veto.
The experiment has failed. Again.
This should not surprise anyone. Is there any example where “austerity” or “trickle down economics” or whatever you want to call it has actually succeeded? But Donald Trump is attempting to repeat the same experiment. Lucky for us he is much more incompetent than Brownback, and will probably not get his tax cuts through Congress.
Don’t get me wrong. Believe it or not I consider myself a fiscal conservative. Most of this is based on my experiences starting companies and advising other startups. It is easy to get completely carried away spending money, and I would never deny that there is plenty of government waste that should be eliminated (with prejudice). But you don’t just cut all spending, you have to be smart and cut the wasteful spending. Just as it is easy to get carried away with spending, it is also easy to get completely carried away with stupid across-the-board spending cuts.
If a government program is working (and plenty of them work just fine and are frugal with their money) you don’t cut its funding — that often destroys the whole program and ends up wasting money, not saving it. I remember back when Reagan tried to destroy the Environmental Protection Agency. I had friends who worked there, and they told me that spending didn’t decrease at all. Instead, waste increased dramatically as we kept spending money, but the money was just thrown away and didn’t do any good. (As a side note, did you know that Anne Gorsuch, Reagan’s head of the EPA who led the charge to dismantle it, is the mother of Neil Gorsuch, Trump’s new Supreme Court Justice?)
Saving money is not what Republicans are doing. If they were, then they should take a long, hard look at our bloated military. Trump and the Republicans want to throw even more money at our military. They continue to fund weapons systems and airplanes that the military doesn’t even want or need. Why? Because those programs bring jobs (albeit wasteful ones) to their constituencies and to their donors. It is corporate welfare.
That’s not the only example of corporate welfare. If Republicans were interested in balancing the budget, they would eliminate the massive subsidies for the the fossil fuel industry and the crazy tax breaks given to hedge fund managers. But I guess they are happy to vote for wasteful spending as long as it helps to get them reelected.
You also don’t just privatize everything, you only privatize those things that make sense. If privatizing something does make sense, you do it. But privatizing prisons isn’t working.
And neither is our health care system. We should replace our bloated private health insurance system with a single payer system that will save massive amounts of money and result in a healthier and more productive citizenry.
[Jokes from May 8, 2017]
Some big news from overseas. Yesterday, France elected 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron to be its new president. Trump said he’s worried that, at 39, the president may be a little immature — then went back to tweeting insults at CNN. – Jimmy Fallon
In France this weekend, far-right-wing candidate Marine Le Pen lost the presidential election by millions of votes. And here’s the cool part, in France, if you lose by millions of votes that means you don’t get to be president. – Conan O’Brien
Centrist politician Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election yesterday over far-right candidate Marine Le Pen — thanks to France’s unusual practice of awarding the presidency to the person with the most votes. – Seth Meyers
France elected a new president. Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election, defeating the far-right candidate Marine Le Pen. Macron won by a large margin, easily getting more votes — which, most Americans will be surprised to learn, is how you win most elections in almost all the countries. – James Corden
Macron actually won despite having his campaign hacked. Or as one guy put it (Russian accent), “Eh — you help win some, you help lose some.” – Jimmy Fallon
In Colorado, a high school teacher has been put on leave after her class smashed a President Trump piñata. When he heard this, Trump was especially furious that he had been made into something that brings joy to Mexicans. – Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump continues to follow through on his promise to drain the swamp because it was announced on Friday the White House has fired its chief usher. It took a while for her to leave the building because there was no one available to show her the door. Poor planning. – Stephen Colbert
House Republicans spent the weekend defending the bill they just passed to replace Obamacare. Now healthcare is incredibly important. So I’m sure these Republican congressmen read the new bill very closely, right? One of those guys said, “I turned through every page.” That’s not reading. By his definition, I’ve read the entire English Oxford Dictionary, the Bible, and my CBS contracts. – James Corden
White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus responded to critics of the bill saying if you have a pre-existing condition this president is not going to let you down. And, he better hope so because the name Reince Priebus sounds like a pre-existing condition. Doesn’t it? “I’m afraid we have bad news. We found traces of your Reince in your Priebus.” – James Corden
Republican Congressman Raul Labrador is under fire for saying that “nobody dies because they don’t have access to healthcare.” Then Trump was like, “No way — a talking Labrador? I gotta meet this dog! This is unbelievable!” – Jimmy Fallon
I don’t know about you, but ever since the House passed the new healthcare bill last week, I’ve been trying to decide: Should I move to Canada, or just stay drunk? – Stephen Colbert
Well, now it turns out that the best answer might be both. Because the Canadian food inspection agency recently announced that gin is being recalled for having too much alcohol. – Stephen Colbert
The recall was announced because bottles of Bombay Sapphire gin were found to contain 77 percent alcohol by volume rather than the typical 40 percent. Here’s how you can tell — normally, gin tastes like juniper with hints of lemon and coriander. Seventy-seven percent alcohol gin tastes like regret, with hints of fighting a parking meter. – Stephen Colbert
Former President Bill Clinton is collaborating on a novel about a U.S. president who goes missing. Clinton is describing the novel as “part fiction, part alibi.” – Conan O’Brien
Former President Bill Clinton is teaming up with author James Patterson to write a new book called “The President Is Missing.” It’ll be followed by the sequel, “Never Mind, He’s at the Golf Course.” – Seth Meyers
A new biography of President Obama is coming out and it claims that before Michelle, he had a fiancée whose parents didn’t think much of Obama’s job prospects. Actually, I think they had a point, because now Obama’s a 55-year-old unemployed man. – Conan O’Brien
According to a new report, Senator Bernie Sanders’s wife Jane Sanders is being investigated by the FBI for alleged bank fraud. Even worse, her husband is being investigated by his local deli for alleged Splenda theft. “These should be free!” – Seth Meyers
North Korea reported that there was a U.S.-sponsored plot launched against Kim Jong Un. Apparently two CIA agents tried to sneak up on Kim and give him a man’s haircut. – Conan O’Brien
A man who runs a pizzeria in California made a gluten-free pizza entirely out of cheese. Or, and hear me out, he just made cheese. – Jimmy Fallon
In Mexico, the world’s heaviest man, who weighs almost 1,000 pounds, is preparing for surgery. The man said, “After years of being unhappy with my appearance, I’m finally getting that nose job.” – Conan O’Brien
I read that Facebook is shutting down its virtual reality film studio. People were like, “If I wanted to see my Facebook friends in 3D, I’d actually hang out with them.” – Jimmy Fallon
In Florida, a 10-year-old girl pried herself from the jaws of an 8-foot alligator. Then the little girl remembered she lives in Florida, and climbed back in. – Conan O’Brien
Eric Trump doesn’t hold back, and tells Sean Hannity what he really thinks about Democrats:
I’ve never seen hatred like this. To me, they’re not even people. It is so so sad. Morality is just gone. Morals have flown out the window. We deserve so much better than this as a country. It’s so sad — you see the Democratic Party and they are imploding. They’re imploding, they have no message. You see the head of the DNC who is a total whack-job. There’s no leadership there. And so what do they do? They become obstructionists because they have no message of their own.
Watch him say it:
Wow. What level of hatred is it to say that Democrats aren’t even people, to completely dehumanize them? That would be like if I posted this screen grab from the interview, and said that Eric Trump is clearly not human, and is a vampire about to feast on Hannity’s blood and steal his soul.
But I would never say such a thing. Because I’m not sure if Hannity has a soul any more. His ratings are way down.
In fact, the ratings of pretty much all Trump-supporting media are down. Worst off is Breitbart News, whose site traffic has dropped 53% since November, and their advertisers and sponsors have plummeted from 242 as recently as March down to 26 (that is not a typo — an order of magnitude) in May. I guess Breitbart’s base was happier back when they were publishing anti-Obama propaganda instead of the current pro-Trump propaganda.
The same thing seems to be true of Sean Hannity. In the video above you can hear Hannity interrupt as soon as Eric Trump stops attacking Democrats and starts defending and praising Donald Trump and his family (i.e., himself).
My question is, does Eric Trump have a message of his own? Because his whole family seems to be imploding.
[Originally posted April 5, 2017 by Benjamin Wittes, editor-in-chief of Lawfare. But just as relevant two months later.]
I believe the President. I have always believed him.
I believed him when he said he wanted to ban Muslims from entering the United States. And I believe him now when he says his travel ban has nothing to do with religious discrimination.
I believed him when he said Mexico is sending us its rapists and criminals, and I believed him when he said he loves Hispanics. I believe that Trump Tower makes the best taco bowls.
I believe that Donald Trump will drain the swamp and that his election has delivered us from the corruption of Bill and Hillary Clinton. I believe him when he says there’s no reason for him to disclose his tax returns. I believe him when he says there’s no reason to divest himself of any of his financial holdings. I believed him when he protested that he wasn’t trying to get a security clearance for his daughter and son-in-law. And I believe him now when says he needs his family installed by his side in the West Wing. I believe the Emoluments Clause applies only to Democrats. And I believe that only rank partisanship and media bias explain the skepticism about his finances running rampant in the press.
I believe Temple Taggart McDowell is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Rachel Crooks is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Natasha Stoynoff is cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Mindy McGillivray is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe that all of the other women who have accused the President of sexual assault are also cheap tramps who were asking for it. In any event, I also believe that the President was merely engaged in “locker room talk” when he boasted of grabbing women by the pussy. I believe that when you’re a star, they let you do it.
I believed the President when he said he was going to repeal and replace Obamacare and I believed him when he said it was the Democrats’ fault that he didn’t repeal or replace Obamacare. I believe him now that it’s all the House Freedom Caucus’s fault that Congress has left Obamacare in place. I believe him that it’s time to move on to tax reform.
I believe the President that he’s a great deal maker, and I look forward to his negotiating new trade deals on my behalf.
I believe there is nothing unusual about Trump’s solicitude for Vladimir Putin. I believe that the whole Russia connection story is “fake news” designed to cover up an embarrassing electoral loss on the part of the Democrats.
I believe there is nothing unusual about Michael Flynn’s dealings with the Russian government. I believe there is nothing unusual about Carter Page’s dealings with the Russian government. I believe there is nothing unusual about Paul Manafort’s dealings with the Russian government. I believe there is nothing unusual about Roger Stone’s dealings with the Russian government. I believe there is nothing unusual about Russia’s setting up a secret line of communication to the Trump administration through Erik Prince, founder of Blackwater and brother of a cabinet secretary. I believe there is nothing unusual about Jared Kushner’s meeting with a sanctioned Russian bank while working for his father-in-law’s transition. I believe that kind of thing happens all the time in all transitions.
I also believe there is nothing unusual about having a member of a Hungarian extremist party working in your White House while he is resolving a pending gun charge for trying to bring a handgun onto an airplane.
And yes, I believe that Barack Hussein Obama wire tapped Trump Tower. I believe Devin Nunes was merely conducting an impartial investigation when he came across information the President needed to know about and that he therefore raced over to the White House to inform him of his discovery. I believe any patriot would have done the same. And I believe that stopping briefly before going in and before coming out of the White House to tell the press all about it is perfectly consistent with complaining about leaks. I believe it makes all the sense in the world to rush over to the White House to inform the President of material you learned from the White House.
I believe that leaks are the real story.
I believe that Donald Trump will Make America Great Again. Don’t you?
Wittes notes that this essay is in memory of a column by the same name published in the Washington Post in 1998, which was about Bill Clinton.
For a president who claims to be the best deal-maker, Donald Trump sure doesn’t deliver. Over and over again, when he is asked about a promised deal, Trump will say that it is coming in just “two weeks“. It is just a stalling tactic, because it rarely does arrive in that time frame.
He said it about his tax proposal, promising it in “two to three weeks” and bragging that it was “way ahead of schedule”. Eleven weeks later, the White House released a one-page outline of the tax plan, with no details.
Fifteen weeks ago, Trump promised airline executives a plan for increased aviation infrastructure in two weeks. On Monday, he sent a short set of “principles” for overhauling the air-traffic control system, which basically only proposed to privatize it.
On April 29, Trump promised “I’ll be making a big decision on the Paris accord over the next two weeks.” A month later, Trump was still trying to decide. He finally made an announcement on June 1.
He said the same thing about his infrastructure program, saying “we’ve got the plan largely completed and we’ll be filing over the next two or three weeks, maybe sooner”. No legislation was ever filed.
On March 15, Fox News asked Trump about his earlier tweets accusing Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower without providing even the smallest shred of evidence. Trump replied “I think you’re going to find some very interesting items coming to the forefront over the next two weeks.” The White House never produced any evidence, and top intelligence officials told Congress that there was no evidence.
He even does it to foreign leaders. During a meeting in Saudi Arabia with the emir of Kuwait, Trump announced “We are doing very well in the fight against ISIS. We’re going to be having a news conference in about two weeks to let everybody know how well we’re doing.” But the White House press office was unaware of any plans to have such a news conference, and two weeks have now passed and no such event has even been announced.
And on and on. He said similar things about the border wall, fixing veterans’ health care, cutting taxes, repealing regulations, changing regulations that regulates wages on federally funded infrastructure projects, and a plan for increasing school choice. Or worse — on June 1, Trump even claimed that there was tax legislation “moving along in Congress”, but no tax legislation had been filed.
As one presidential historian put it “For someone who bills himself as the master of the art of the deal, well, where’s the art and where’s the deal?”
[Jokes from May 4, 2017]
House Republicans today voted on and passed an Obamacare replacement bill without knowing how much it could cost. Though I’m not surprised — they also voted on an Obama replacement without knowing the cost. – Seth Meyers
Today the House voted to pass the Republican healthcare bill before taking an 11-day recess. They say they’re going to use the break to kick back, relax, and finally read the bill they just voted for. – Jimmy Fallon
Congress narrowly passed Republican plan to replace Obamacare today. Also narrowly passing: Grandma. – Seth Meyers
Democrats are calling for the new Republican healthcare bill to be called “Trumpcare.” Experts say that’s the first time the words “Trump” and “care” have ever been said together. – Jimmy Fallon
A member of the conservative House Freedom Caucus said yesterday that it can be difficult to negotiate with President Trump because it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking. Also, if. – Seth Meyers
Reince Priebus said that Trump helped pass the bill by punting the ball into the end zone. When told that analogy didn’t quite make sense, he said, “I meant that he hit a grand slam into the net and slapped the puck right into the hoop. Is that better?” – Jimmy Fallon
Today, Trump tweeted that the media is out of control, saying that they will do or say anything to get attention. Then he honked the horn of an 18-wheeler, posed for a picture with Kid Rock, and accused Obama of spying on him from his microwave. – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump canceled his White House Cinco de Mayo celebration. He made the decision after Mexico said they wouldn’t pay for it. – Jimmy Fallon
Today isn’t only Cinco de Mayo, it’s also the one-year anniversary of this [Trump] tweet: “Happy #CincodeMayo. I love Hispanics!” You know, a year has gone by, but I’m just as embarrassed today as I was the day it was posted. – James Corden
Today was Star Wars Day, because the day was May Fourth, as in “May the fourth be with you.” And now, it’s technically May Fifth, Cinco de Mayo, as in “May the fifth margarita be in you.” – James Corden
For those of you who are observing, I’d like to wish you a happy Star Wars Day. Today is May the Fourth, as in “May the fourth be with you.” Can you imagine explaining Star Wars Day to someone who’s never seen the movie? “Yeah, it’s a holiday when we celebrate a movie about a brother and a sister who kiss.” – Kristen Bell substituting for Jimmy Kimmel
Today was National Star Wars Day and if you celebrated, no girlfriend you have. – Seth Meyers
According to a new biography, former President Obama proposed to a serious girlfriend he had before he met Michelle Obama, but he paused so long she walked away. – Seth Meyers
In other news, Dictionary.com has added 300 new words, including slang terms like bitchhface, 4:20, and dad bod. “4:20” is being added to the dictionary. Because only a stoner would try to look up a number in the dictionary. – James Corden
“Bitchhface” and “dad bod” were added. If you don’t know what a bitchface is, it’s what I make when you say I have a dad bod. – James Corden
Another word being added to dictionary.com is “man bun.” Hopefully the dictionary is the last place where we’ll ever see another man bun. – James Corden
Monday, Donald Trump tweeted “Dems are taking forever to approve my people, including Ambassadors. They are nothing but OBSTRUCTIONISTS! Want approvals.”
Never mind how hypocritical it is for a Republican to call Democrats “OBSTRUCTIONISTS” (again with ALL CAPS and an added exclamation point!), when the Republicans wouldn’t even hold hearings for Obama’s Supreme Court nominee for 10 freakin’ months (and if Clinton won, they had threatened to obstruct it indefinitely).
Trump also wants you to ignore that, according to PolitiFact, Republicans blocked more individuals nominated by Obama (79) than were blocked under all previous presidents in total (68).
And never mind that Republicans control both houses of Congress, and with the filibuster eliminated for all nominees, complaining about Congress being slow approving nominees and blaming it on Democrats is ridiculous. If the Democrats are such obstructionists, how in the world did Neil Gorsuch get confirmed to the Supreme Court?
The most hypocritical part of Trump’s Twitter tirade is that by far the biggest reason Congress has not approved Trump’s nominees is because Trump hasn’t nominated anyone for 79% of the open positions. There are 559 jobs in the executive branch that require confirmation by the Senate, and Trump has not nominated anyone for 441 of them.
Of course, it is hardly any surprise that Trump can’t find people who want those jobs. Given how much he undercuts and contradicts even his highest level staff, why would anyone take a job under such a terrible boss?
Trump even had trouble finding a law firm to represent him in the Russia investigations reportedly “over concerns that the president would be unwilling to listen to their advice“. If you are known for not listening to the people you hire, you won’t ever be able to hire good people.
In the tweet, Trump specifically mentions “Ambassadors”. There were 54 Ambassador positions to be filled in total, and compared to many of the executive branch positions, it should be relatively easy to find people who would take those jobs. Trump has nominated people for only nine of those, and four of them have been confirmed. So Trump is complaining about five ambassadors who have not been confirmed, while he hasn’t even nominated anyone for 45 ambassadorships. That means that 90% of unfilled ambassador positions are Trump’s fault.
With Trump, the buck never stops there.
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