Political Irony

[Jokes from May 30, 2017]

We are back to work after a long weekend. It didn’t feel like a long weekend. But technically it was. I hope you had a fine Memorial Day. I hope you took time to remember the men and women who risked and sacrificed their lives so the rest of us can eat yogurt out of a tube. – Jimmy Kimmel

Memorial Day’s become the unofficial start to summer. Summer doesn’t technically start until next month. That didn’t stop me from wearing a bikini all weekend. – Jimmy Kimmel

A Memorial Day video made it’s rounds where you can see mysterious red lights flashing in or on the second floor window at the White House. This went on for about 20 minutes. And White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said the red light was the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park. So the one thing we know for sure is the red light was definitely not the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park. – Jimmy Kimmel

Maybe it was the alarm that goes off when President Trump tries to get into Melania’s bedroom. – Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a new report that says more than half of American workers didn’t use all their vacation days last year. They had them, they just didn’t take them. So the people who did the study asked why. Some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. The rest said, I hate my family. – Jimmy Kimmel

[Jokes from May 25, 2017]

This NATO summit was a chance for Trump to hobnob with a number of world leaders and flex his diplomatic muscles — sometimes literally. He kind of pushes his way past the prime minister of Montenegro, like a kid cutting the line for the ice cream truck. – Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, Trump continues his trip in Europe. While visiting NATO headquarters today in Brussels, he was caught on camera rudely shoving another world leader out of the way. I mean, is he a president or a bridesmaid positioning to catch the bouquet? – James Corden

During a NATO meeting today, President Trump was seen pushing aside the prime minister of Montenegro so he could move to the front of the group. You’re a world leader, a world leader at a meeting of dignitaries and you act like they just called your number at KFC. – Seth Meyers

Trump tossed that guy aside like one of his ex-wives. – James Corden

President Trump addressed his fellow leaders today, he scolded them for not paying their fair share to support NATO and had one particularly harsh word for those who commit acts of terrorism. “All people who cherish life must unite in finding, exposing, and removing these killers and extremists. And yes, losers. They are losers.” That’ll learn ’em. He’s fighting terrorists the same way he fought Rosie O’Donnell. It doesn’t work. – Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is in Belgium right now, which is six hours ahead of us. He kind of liked that because when he sends a crazy tweet at 3:00 a.m., it looks like a thoughtful post at 9:00 p.m. – Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump had lunch with French President Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like, “Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?” – Jimmy Fallon

I’ve been paying such close attention to the travels of Donald Trump, it’s almost like he took me on the trip with him. – Jimmy Kimmel

Former President Obama reportedly received a rock star welcome at an event in Germany today, and President Trump was given a subway mariachi band welcome. – Seth Meyers

A new poll reveals that only 1 in 4 Americans believes President Trump has actually “drained the swamp”. However, 3 out of 4 Americans believe Trump has “peed in the pool”. – Conan O’Brien

Government officials confirmed this afternoon that a person of interest in the FBI’s Russia investigation is Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner. This comes at a bad time, because the Trump administration has just released its budget. Now they must be like, “Oh, we forgot to set aside bail money.” – James Corden

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn’t a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president. – Jimmy Fallon

The Republican congressional candidate for a special election in Montana yesterday reportedly body-slammed a journalist after he asked a question about the Republican healthcare plan. Now, to be fair, that basically is the Republican healthcare plan. – Seth Meyers

It’s come out that the new Republican healthcare bill will hike premiums by 700 percent for the old and sick. It’s not a good sign that the title of the bill is “Walk It Off, Grandpa.” – Conan O’Brien

A college student in Florida is accused of breaking into a building and changing his grade from an “F” to a “B.” His parents were like, “Really, you can’t even get an ‘A’ when you’re cheating?” – Jimmy Fallon

The FAA is investigating why a drone appeared in the sky during a San Diego Padres game. Authorities have already ruled out the possibility that someone actually wanted to watch a Padres game. – Conan O’Brien

Today, Mark Zuckerberg — who dropped out of Harvard University after his sophomore year — gave a commencement speech to Harvard’s graduating class. Zuckerberg began the speech with, “Hello, suckers”. – Conan O’Brien

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress. – James Corden

A new report recommends that couples who live together should do chores together. And for some couples, everything they do together is a chore. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from May 24, 2017]

Today was a historic day, a holy day. His Holiness met His Bigliness at the Vatican today. President Trump happened to be in Italy so he stopped by to say hello to Pope Francis. It went well. There are no major incidents. Trump felt very at home at the Vatican. He said it reminded him of one of the bathrooms at his house. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today, President Trump had his first meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Everyone in the U.S. was watching closely and looking for some white smoke to see if we have a new president. – Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump was at the Vatican meeting with Pope Francis. The world leader who believes himself the embodiment of God on Earth said he’s a big fan of the Pope. – Conan O’Brien

That’s right, Trump met with the Pope. Though it got weird when Trump was like, “Jesus only had 12 followers? Sad. His tweets must’ve been terrible!” – Jimmy Fallon

At the Vatican the leaders exchanged gifts. The Pope gave the president a collection of writings, as well as a medal depicting an olive branch, the symbol of peace. And President Trump gave the pontiff a “Make America Great Again” hat. And a box of Trump steaks. – Jimmy Kimmel

While he was there, President Trump gave Pope Francis several books written by Martin Luther King. Then Trump said, “In my opinion, King’s best books were ‘The Shining’ and ‘Pet Sematary.’” – Conan O’Brien

After their meeting, the Pope gave Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?” – Jimmy Fallon

The Pope made it clear he would like our president to join him in promoting peace, giving aid to the poor, and protecting our environment. The Pope is very persuasive. Unfortunately, Trump is only in year 70 of his 100-year deal with the devil right now. And he’s got a no-trade clause. – Jimmy Kimmel

During their meeting, the Pope gave President Trump a medal. Then Melania said, “Hey, if anyone deserves a medal here, it’s me!” – Conan O’Brien

President Trump and Pope Francis today had a 30-minute long meeting in the Pope’s private study. We don’t know what they talked about, but since it was only 30 minutes, we can assume it wasn’t confession. – Seth Meyers

So after their meeting, Trump said he would never forget what the Pope told him. Then he immediately forgot what the Pope told him. – Jimmy Kimmel

Pope Francis met with President Trump today at the Vatican. “Bless you, my child,” said the Pope to the driver that took Trump away. – Seth Meyers

According to the Senate, President Trump’s budget is dead on arrival. In other words, Trump’s budget is covered by Trump’s healthcare plan. – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from May 23, 2017]

President Trump is still on his big trip overseas. And I saw that he actually took over an entire hotel in Jerusalem. Mary and Joseph were like, “Seriously? You make room for THAT guy?” – Jimmy Fallon

A White House memo contained a typo that said Donald Trump wants to promote, quote, “lasting peach” between Israel and Palestine. I’m surprised they went with a peach. I always thought of Trump as more of an orange guy. – James Corden

Tomorrow, Trump will visit with the Pope. Trump said he’s really excited because he’s always wanted to meet Jude Law. – Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump arrived in Rome. He’s so excited to finally meet Jude Law. “You look much older in person. You need to moisturize.” – Stephen Colbert

Trump has a meeting with the Pope tomorrow at the Vatican. And you know he’s dreading that. It’s like getting called to the principal’s office. Only instead of detention you go to hell as a result. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump will meet with Pope Francis tomorrow at the Vatican. “I can’t wait to ask him why he wears that ridiculous thing on his head,” said the Pope. – Seth Meyers

Trump is going to visit the Pope tomorrow, and I bet they’ll get along because it looks like the president and Melania are living a life of celibacy. – James Corden

There’s another viral video of Melania Trump rejecting President Trump’s attempt to hold her hand. Now even Israelis and Palestinians are saying “Geez, work it out, you two.” – Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that President Trump asked two intelligence chiefs to push back against the Russia probe. Trump also asked them to make Melania hold his freakin’ hand. – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is out of the country, but his scandals aren’t. On Monday, it was revealed that Trump asked two intelligence chiefs to deny that his campaign had any ties to Russia. This is shocking. I’m not saying Trump is participating in a cover-up, but I’d say he is participating in some kind of weird comb-over. – James Corden

Today, the former head of the CIA told investigators that the Russians “brazenly interfered” with our election and actively contacted members of the Trump administration. And according to The Washington Post, the president asked two top intelligence officials to publicly deny evidence of collusion, and also asked them to find ways to get FBI Director James Comey to drop his investigation. Just like an innocent person would do. – Jimmy Kimmel

He asked the director of intelligence and the head of the NSA to lie for him. What was he thinking? He does realize they’re intelligence chiefs, right? Intelligence. It’s right there in their titles. They’re not “born yesterday” chiefs. – James Corden

Even though he’s thousands of miles away, the president released his budget today for the upcoming year, and it’s exactly what you would guess it would be. It cuts programs for the poor and the elderly to give tax breaks to the rich. It’s like Robin Hood if Prince John was the good guy, OK? – Jimmy Kimmel

So this budget makes huge promises that it can’t possibly deliver. It could leave millions of Americans without necessary services like healthcare or even food. It’s basically the Fyre Festival of budgets. – Jimmy Kimmel

The whole thing is particularly cruel to one minority group: Trump’s voters. Because the president’s budget hits his own voters the hardest, taking aim at the social safety net on which many of them rely. It’s all there on Trump’s new hat, “Make the Poor Live on Squirrel Meat Again.” – Stephen Colbert

The budget also calls for major cuts to the Centers for Disease Control. So whenever that thing inside Steve Bannon bursts out and goes airborne, we will not be prepared to handle it. – Stephen Colbert

This budget cuts things like the food stamp program, SNAP, and the children’s health insurance program, CHIP. So he’s cutting SNAP and CHIP, to which America’s children replied “STOP” and “HELP.” – Stephen Colbert

But he did set $1.6 billion aside to build a wall. Maybe it will be like one of Trump’s buildings — Mexico will have nothing to do with it, but in the end they’ll throw their name on it in big gold letters. – Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, Trump just released his new budget proposal. And Bernie Sanders said his cuts to Medicaid are “just cruel”. But Bernie will get his medicine the same way as always: finding an old pill in his suit pocket. – Jimmy Fallon

This morning, the Trump administration unveiled their 2018 budget, titled “A New Foundation for American Greatness,” which is just slightly grandiose for a financial document. It’s like calling your grocery list “A Bold Vision for Yogurt and Dog Food.” – Stephen Colbert

President Trump released a 2018 budget plan today titled “A New Foundation for American Greatness.” Boy, you can tell from that name that Trump loves this budget. When he doesn’t love something, he’ll give it a boring name like “Eric”. – Seth Meyers

Donald Trump’s budget director said people need to stop taking government money and get a job. He then loudly cleared his throat while glaring at Ivanka Trump. – Conan O’Brien

The president gets back home on Saturday after nine days abroad. Those nine days have been a big relief to the White House staff. Especially Sean Spicer. Let’s just say he had the first good week on the job in quite some time. – Jimmy Kimmel

This Russian investigation into Trump is like one of those Russian nesting dolls, except every time you open one, the doll inside is somehow bigger. And instead of it being a doll, it’s a horrible conspiracy concocted by Russian hackers to systematically erode America’s democratic freedoms. – James Corden

This week, a man wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat caused a disruption and was removed from an international flight. It’s the first time a sitting president has been kicked off Air Force One. – Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that O.J. Simpson could be released from prison this year. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, “Finally, someone to play golf with.” – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that people who oppose school choice are “flat earthers”. She was like, “Which is ridiculous, because everyone knows the Earth is a cube.” – Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that legal marijuana brought in more money last year than Girl Scout cookies did. Though to be fair, Girl Scout cookies wouldn’t have made as much money if it weren’t for marijuana. – Jimmy Fallon

Scientists have been able to create baby mice from freeze-dried mouse sperm that was kept on the International Space Station. When asked about it, the astronauts said, “Wait a minute, so that WASN’T ice cream?” – Conan O’Brien

A man in Russia recently proposed to his girlfriend by hiding a ring inside his stomach wound and asking her to change the dressing. And this is exciting: She said “gross!” – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from May 22, 2017]

Donald Trump was away from the White House this weekend, so it was pretty much like every other weekend since he became the president. – James Corden

But this time he was on his first international trip visiting several countries in the Middle East. His first stop was Saudi Arabia. Trump is visiting the Muslim nations as part of his “don’t come to us, we’ll come to you tour.” – James Corden

Trump spent over a year just trash-talking Muslims. Now he’s going to go and visit them, which is a bit like when you bad-mouth your friend’s ex and then they get back together. – James Corden

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a little extra pep in my step tonight because Donald Trump has left the country. Breathing a little easier. Federal judges, now would be a good time to reinstate that travel ban. – Stephen Colbert

President Trump is still on his big overseas trip. Today, he arrived in Israel and landed in Tel Aviv. Then when they welcomed him to Tel Aviv, Trump said, “Who’s Aviv and what am I supposed to tell him?” – Jimmy Fallon

I saw that today Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave Trump a 150-year-old bible. Which got awkward when Trump autographed it and gave it back to him. – Jimmy Fallon

After Air Force One landed in Israel, Donald Trump reached for Melania’s hand and she slapped it away. Yeah, there’s video of it. She slaps it away. So, we’ve been wrong all this time. They apparently do have a normal marriage. – Conan O’Brien

The president and first lady visited Israel today. Trump arrived in Tel Aviv this morning with his wife Melania. He went to hold her hand and she kind of gave him a little, kind of, get-that-away-from-me. I’m no body language expert but I think that’s a sign for “I’m supposed to be shopping on Fifth Avenue right now.” – Jimmy Kimmel

It’s the first time the first lady has smacked a president since every day of Bill Clinton’s administration. – Conan O’Brien

Either that or his hand is so tiny she just didn’t see it. – Jimmy Kimmel

Trump became the first sitting U.S. president to visit the Western Wall in Jerusalem. His staff said he was praying but people nearby heard him counting Mississippi. – Jimmy Fallon

In spite of whatever’s going on domestically, the president made history today by becoming the first sitting president to visit the Western Wall. Now, I don’t know what’s going through his head here. My guess is that he’s pretending to be praying or something. We’re not paying for this. Don’t get any ideas. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump visited the Jewish holy site, the Western Wall, in east Jerusalem today. He also said the wall was the reason Israel doesn’t have any Mexicans. – Seth Meyers

Now, while in Israel, Trump visited a sacred historical site, the Western Wall. He wasn’t praying at the wall, he was shopping. “This is beautiful stone, beautiful stone. How much does 2,000 miles of this wall cost?” – James Corden

Even brought out a tape measure. “Melania, how big is Mexico?” – Seth Meyers

Before his visit to Israel, Trump was in Saudi Arabia. This is where the wheels came off. First of all, his commerce secretary was on TV raving about how there were no protesters in Saudi Arabia. Because protesters are beheaded in Saudi Arabia. That’s why. People without heads tend not to speak out. – Jimmy Kimmel

Somehow, the Saudi king always gets the U.S. president to bow. It happened to George Bush in 2008, and Obama in 2009. Trump gave Obama a lot of grief for that. So, there was “no way” Trump was going to bow when King Salman gave him the medal. Here he is going from the knees — trying not to — and the bow, and a little curtsy at the end there. – Stephen Colbert

President Trump was given an official welcome ceremony in Saudi Arabia this weekend where he was greeted with an honorary collar. As opposed to Michael Flynn who could soon be presented with an honorary anklet. – Seth Meyers

The Saudis know that the quickest way to Trump’s heart is through his ego. So they put up Trump-themed billboards everywhere. Including one of his tweets, “Great to be in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Looking forward to the afternoon and evening ahead. #Potus-abroad.” – Stephen Colbert

They even put one of his tweets on the welcome sign. “Welcome to Riyadh. Rosie O’Donnell is a fat pig.” – Stephen Colbert

In both Israel and Saudi Arabia, many U.S. journalists are being barred from Trump press events because they’re women. – Conan O’Brien

As opposed to here in the U.S. where they’re barred from Trump press events because they’re journalists. – Conan O’Brien

I saw that the president of Egypt told Trump he has a unique personality. And Trump told him that he had nice shoes. Sounds less like two world leaders, more like a bad Tinder date. – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump said today he never mentioned the word “Israel” as the source of intelligence about ISIS during a meeting with Russian officials. Dude, nobody said you did. That’s like if your wife said, “Are you having an affair?” And you said, “I am not sleeping with Jenna.” – Seth Meyers

A company has released a GPS with President Trump’s voice as a navigator. It doesn’t guide you anywhere. It just keeps reminding you that he won the Electoral College. – Conan O’Brien

First, Conan O’Brien reveals how you can tell when Jeff Sessions may be stretching the truth:

Second, Kate McKinnon reveals that her favorite person to impersonate is Sessions, and the facial trick that she uses to do it:

My only question is whether Sessions is related to The Grinch.