Political Irony

Today I was having an interesting conversation with a friend of mine, who happens to be a fairly famous computer scientist. We were discussing innovation, which led to expressing our amazement at the success of Twitter. Who could have predicted that imposing a completely artificial constraint on the length of messages would not only lead to success, but maybe even ultimately to the downfall of American democracy?

© Ruben Bolling

Finally, we have an answer to the question of how Donald Trump inspires so many followers. It doesn’t matter to them when he lies, commits nepotism, hires crooks to his administration, insults women, or acts racist, because only they know the real truth about how Trump is keeping us safe.

[Jokes from Jun 6, 2017]

A highly classified document was just leaked, and it suggests that Russia may have hacked into our voting systems before the election. You could tell the report was “highly classified” because it was marked, “Don’t Show Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

The NSA contractor who leaked the document is a woman named Reality Winner. When he was asked if he had any contact with the leaker, Trump said, “Nope, I’m TOTALLY out of touch with Reality.” – Jimmy Fallon

Now, all along, Donald Trump has said the entire Russia story is “fake news”. And there is no way to know whether this document that was released was real … other than the fact that the leaker was immediately arrested. “Fake news, real prison.” – Stephen Colbert

The Department of Justice charged a federal contractor named Reality Leigh Winner yesterday with leaking classified materials to the press about Russia’s meddling in the election. This is a confusing story, so let me try to break it down: Reality Winner leaked information about a reality denier who tried to influence the election to support a reality host who is detached from reality. – Seth Meyers

A top-secret NSA report detailed Russian hacking efforts days before the 2016 election. Days before? Come on, Guccifer. That’s poor planning. You can’t leave your hacking to the last minute. Put some thought into it. No one wants an election you just picked up at Walgreens. – Stephen Colbert

It turns out Russia actually hacked the company that makes our voting machines. Which explains why anyone who pressed on “Hillary Clinton” heard a voice go “Try again”. – Jimmy Fallon

After the hackers gained access to the company’s accounts, they then sent “an email to trick local U.S. government employees into opening documents that were ‘invisibly tainted with potent malware’.” OK, they sent it to the poll workers. This is how democracy ends, with a fake email sent to the ancient cat lady manning the polling station at your high school gym. – Stephen Colbert

According to reports, four top law firms have turned down requests from the White House to represent President Trump during the Russia investigation. Man, how guilty do have you to be when a lawyer won’t even take your case? – Seth Meyers

So who really knows who won November 8? I mean, other than Vladimir Putin. I’m a little rusty on my Constitution, but I guess that means … new election? Sure, let’s have another one! Let’s just get the band back together. Somebody find Jeb and wake him up. – Stephen Colbert

A new study found that kids are bullying each other with Donald Trump’s words. The good news is, most kids outgrow Trump’s vocabulary by the time they’re 11. – Conan O’Brien

Trump’s been causing a lot of problems with the things he’s tweeted recently, but the White House says he isn’t concerned with being politically correct. Then they clarified their statement and said he isn’t even concerned about being correct. – Jimmy Fallon

A new report came out and it says that Donald Trump once shifted charitable donations for sick kids into his own business. Trump referred to the charity as the “Take a Wish Foundation”. – Conan O’Brien

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that while schools receiving federal funds must abide by federal civil rights laws, the department will not enter decrees on things like LGBT discrimination. Coincidentally, LGBT is also how Betsy DeVos thinks you spell discrimination. – Seth Meyers

It’s nice to be here in England. After two and a half years of presidential campaigning in America, I was, like, “Where can I go for another bitter, soul-sucking election?” – James Corden

We are here in the beautiful historic Central Hall Westminster. There is so much amazing history in this building. Gandhi spoke here, Martin Luther King, Jr. gave a speech here, and Winston Churchill spoke in this very hall. And despite all that, they still allowed me to do a show here. – James Corden

Yes, there’s a big election coming up this week in the U.K. Actually, this venue is going to be a polling station. Raise your hand if you didn’t even know there was going to be a show here tonight, you were just trying to beat the lines. – James Corden

We talk about Donald Trump almost every night on this show, but I thought when I came here to London I’d finally get away from him for a little while. And then I get here, and who does he start a fight with? The mayor of London! While I’m in the city! He’s following me! – James Corden

Following salmonella outbreaks across the country, the Centers for Disease Control is urging chicken owners to stop snuggling with their birds. Though if you’re snuggling with chickens, salmonella is, like, your fifth biggest problem. – Seth Meyers

There’s a proposed bill in New York that would allow medical marijuana to be prescribed for menstrual cramps. Which is why millions of men in New York are now saying “It is my time of the month.” – Conan O’Brien

The owner of the world’s largest private collection of “Star Wars” memorabilia says someone stole $200,000 worth of his collectibles. On the plus side, the collector is reporting that his virginity is still in “mint condition”. – Conan O’Brien

The game show “Cash Cab” is coming back to the Discovery Channel! It’s a show where the driver asks passengers questions from the second they get into the car until they reach their destination — or as it’s called now, “Uber”. – Jimmy Fallon

Astronomers are saying that a mysterious signal from space was caused by gas surrounding a comet. Of course, the comet is claiming the gas came from its dog. – Conan O’Brien

After 14 years, the CEO of J. Crew is stepping down. He said he wants to take a Gap year. – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from Jun 5, 2017]

Last week, President Trump announced the United States will withdraw from the Paris climate agreement. Trump said he wants the entire country to be the same temperature as a Florida golf course. – Jimmy Fallon

In Michigan, a Republican congressman said that God would “take care of” climate change. So now, a group of polar bears are on their way to “take care of” a Republican congressman in Michigan. – Conan O’Brien

In protest of President Trump abandoning the Paris climate accord, the CEO of Disney has resigned from Trump’s business advisory council. It’s not a good sign when a company led by a giant talking mouse is telling the president to be more realistic. – Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton’s running mate, Tim Kaine, tweeted that Trump is pulling out of it because he’s jealous of Obama. Then Kaine waited for one of his 25 followers to retweet him. – Jimmy Fallon

But to show its commitment to honoring the agreement, New York City lit up its buildings in green. Though if we’re really worried about the environment — how about we DON’T light up each of our buildings all night? – Jimmy Fallon

The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you. – Stephen Colbert

It started with Trump’s plan to turn the air traffic control functions of the FAA into a nonprofit corporation. Although, to be fair, any company Trump runs is eventually nonprofit. – Stephen Colbert

You know how the Trump administration kept insisting that his travel ban wasn’t a travel ban? Well, at 6:25 this morning the president weighed in on that himself. He wrote, “People, the lawyers and the courts can call it whatever they want but I am calling it what we need, and what it is, a TRAVEL BAN.” – Jimmy Kimmel

It’s like the last five minutes of an episode of “Law & Order: SVU” where the murderer tells Mariska Hargitay everything: “It was a travel ban all along.” – Jimmy Kimmel

This has to be maddening for White House “stress secretary” Sean Spicer. This is a guy, he specifically went out in front of the press and insisted that this was not a travel ban. And now Trump is in all-caps saying it is a travel ban. – Jimmy Kimmel

I know this happened five days ago, but I will not be denied the chance to enjoy Trump’s tweet from just after midnight last Wednesday: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” OK. Strong statement. Bold. Presidential. Reminds of the first draft of the Gettysburg address: “Four score and seven ratselttab.” – Stephen Colbert

Of course, the internet lost their covfefe over this. Why did the president type that? It was the new “What color is the dress?” But instead of “white versus blue,” it was “sleepy versus stroke”. – Stephen Colbert

The “Wonder Woman” movie shattered the glass ceiling, breaking $100 million in box office sales. In fact, the only way “Wonder Woman” could have done better is if she had campaigned in Wisconsin. – Conan O’Brien

“Wonder Woman” made $100 million at the box office this weekend. Meanwhile, Wonder Man made $121 million for doing the same job. – Seth Meyers

Several panelists on Fox News accused “Wonder Woman” of not being American enough because her costume isn’t red, white and blue. They’re also saying to really be American, it should be a double XL. – Conan O’Brien

“Wonder Woman” made over $100 million at the box office this weekend, and beat “Captain Underpants.” But I think Captain Underpants is in denial — he’s been handing out electoral maps to show the theaters where he won. – Jimmy Fallon

A new study claims that popular people may live longer than unpopular people. If that’s true, Shia LaBeouf died in 1982. – Conan O’Brien

Walmart is offering a new service where employees will deliver items to your house on their way home from work. Not only that — they’ll also deliver the items in a Target bag so your neighbors think you’re classy. – Jimmy Fallon

At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles. – James Corden

Walmart is already trying to capitalize on this by changing their slogan to “Walmart: Where You Can Always Save a Buck.” – James Corden

A Texas man went on a date to see “Guardians of the Galaxy 2,” and is now suing his date for texting during the movie. He thinks he can sue her for texting. Who does this man think he is — the Guardian of the Samsung Galaxy? – James Corden

The man said texting during a movie is “one of my biggest pet peeves.” Now, pet peeves are not what lawsuits are for. You don’t sue someone because they say expresso instead of espresso. – James Corden

It’s going to make it very hard for him on future dates. It’s going to be like, “So how did your last relationship end”? And he will be like, “On an episode of ‘Judge Judy’.” – James Corden

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long. – Seth Meyers

Today, 15 new features were revealed about the upcoming iPhone 8. The biggest new feature is the battery that only lasts until the announcement of the iPhone 9. – Conan O’Brien

Did you watch the game last night? Turned out to be not so great this year. The Warriors clobbered the Cavaliers again. Beat them by 19 points. They won the first game by 22 points. I’m hoping the next few games are closer. If I wanted to see a bunch of blowouts I’d watch Fox News, folks. – Jimmy Kimmel

A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Jun 1, 2017]

President Trump rang in the 1st of June with a major announcement. No one loves to announce an announcement more than Donald Trump. On Twitter last night, he wrote, “I will be announcing my decision on Paris accord Thursday at 3:00 P.M., the White House Rose Garden, make America great again.” It made sense that he did it from the Rose Garden. While we still have roses and gardens. – Jimmy Kimmel

This deal that Trump backed out of, this is a deal that was signed by 194 other countries. The only two countries who are not part of the Paris accord, besides us, are Nicaragua and Syria. And they’re doing great. I guess it’s not a surprise, the fact that he pulled out. The president has been very big on pulling out ever since he had Donald Jr. – Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, I’m sure you know about covfefe at this point, right? So just after midnight yesterday the president wrote, “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” And that was it. And with that puzzling half-sentence, for a brief shining moment, Donald Trump made Twitter great again. – Jimmy Kimmel

Twitter went absolutely berserk. Not since Phil Collins gave us the word “Susudio” has a nation been so utterly fascinated and perplexed. You know a typo is bad when even Melania is like, ‘I’m pretty sure that’s not English, Donald.’ Even after Trump deleted the tweet, which he almost never does, Sean Spicer claimed it was intentional. He said it wasn’t a typo or a stroke. – Jimmy Kimmel