Political Irony

Suspension of Disbelief

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Why do Donald Trump supporters believe anything he says? How can they believe such a flimsy story about meeting with the Russians?

Even Trump jokes about his constant habit of lying. On Monday at an event at the White House, Trump said:

We’ve signed more bills — and I’m talking about through the legislature — than any President ever. For a while Harry Truman had us, and now I think we have everybody, Mike. I better say ‘think’, otherwise they’ll give me a Pinocchio, and I don’t like those — I don’t like Pinocchios.

Pinocchios are what the fact checkers at the Washington Post awards to lies.

Of course, it was trivial for fact checkers to verify that Trump has signed fewer bills than almost all recent presidents. Trump has signed 42 bills so far. At this point in their presidency, Jimmy Carter signed 70, George H.W. Bush signed 55, Bill Clinton signed 50. Trump has not even caught up to the number of bills that Harry Truman had signed at Truman’s 100 day mark. All but one president between 1901 and 1949 beat Trump as well.

Minutes later, Trump continued lying. He lied about how many mining jobs have been created. And then just to make sure, he repeated the lie.

At this point, one wonders what it would take for Trump’s supporters to realize that he lies continuously and arbitrarily. He lies about things that nobody even cares about. Why tell the truth when it is easier to just make shit up all the time.

But this is serious. As long as Trump’s base believes anything he says, the Republicans will not dare impeach him (even though it is clear that many Republicans in Congress would love to do so). Hell, they are too chicken shit to even disagree with Trump most of the time, knowing that they will just piss off Trump’s supporters.

So, what will it take before Trump’s base realizes that they are being conned long and hard? What will it take to end this national nightmare?

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Late Night Political Humor

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

[Jokes from Jun 20, 2017]

On Monday, Donald Trump met with the president of Panama and bragged that the U.S. built the Panama Canal. Trump’s bringing up a project from 100 years ago like he had something to do with it. So I guess if he never builds his border wall, he can always take credit for the one in China. – James Corden

This is basically the only thing Trump knows about Panama. He meets someone from Panama and says, “Hey — canal.” He meets someone from France and says, “Hey — baguettes.” He meets someone from Russia and says, “Hey — thanks for helping me with that whole beating Hillary thing.” – James Corden

And with the Russia investigation getting bigger, I read that Trump’s lawyer has now hired his own lawyer. When asked if he feels good about the case, Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer said, “Talk to my lawyer”. – Jimmy Fallon

According to a new CBS poll, President Trump’s approval rating is just 36 percent. Said Trump, “Out of how many?” – Seth Meyers

A new study just came out and it found that after a few months of Donald Trump, most Americans now have a favorable view of President George W. Bush. When reached for comment, the ghost of Richard Nixon said, “Here I come, baby.” – Conan O’Brien

Trump’s war with the press continues. Yesterday, reporters were blocked from recording video or audio during the White House press briefing. Which is incredible. When asked why cameras and recording devices were not allowed in the press briefings, Press Secretary Sean Spicer said… [moment of silence] I mean, I don’t know. I can’t make this any clearer. Nothing was recorded in there. – James Corden

The White House is reportedly taking Sean Spicer off of giving press briefings, and moving him to a “more senior role focused on strategy”. Which I think is the political version of saying someone’s moving to “a farm upstate”. – Jimmy Fallon

There’s a rumor that the White House is going to find a new place for Press Secretary Sean Spicer. All they told Spicer was “it’s on a big farm upstate where you can run and play with all the other press secretaries…” – Conan O’Brien

Actually, it turns out Spicer is leading the search for his own replacement. Trump would help — but he’s busy searching for HIS own replacement. – Jimmy Fallon

Steve Bannon apparently said that Spicer’s press briefings have been off camera lately because, quote, “Sean got fatter”. You know you’re in bad shape when Steve Bannon thinks you’ve let yourself go. – Jimmy Fallon

Today was National Vanilla Milkshake Day. Or as Mike Pence calls it, “Spicy Tuesday!” – Seth Meyers

Summer officially begins tonight. So if you’re wondering why your kids stopped going to school, that’s probably the reason. – Jimmy Kimmel

The temperature is so high in Phoenix, Arizona, that flights are being canceled because it’s too hot for planes. Because at higher temperatures, the air has a lower density, which reduces how much lift is generated. Scientists first realized this was a problem when they saw birds taking the bus north for summer. – Stephen Colbert

It was 119 degrees in Phoenix, Arizona, today. It was too hot to fly. They couldn’t take off because I guess the wheels would melt on the tarmac. People were so desperate for air conditioning, dozens of them actually went to go see that “Baywatch” movie. – Jimmy Kimmel

It’s so hot that the cartoon sun from the weather reports is staying home in the air conditioning. – Stephen Colbert

Today, in Las Vegas, the forecast was a record 117. Also the average age of people at the nickel slots. – Stephen Colbert

It was 117 in Las Vegas. When it hits 117 in Vegas, that’s when the strippers really have it figured out. They’re like, look at you idiots in clothes, we’re wearing nothing. We’re at work. – Jimmy Kimmel

And today, temperatures are expected to reach 127 degrees in Death Valley. But, it’s a dry death. – Stephen Colbert

The state of California has what they call “pay to stay” jails where an inmate can pay for a more comfortable cell. For $100 a night an inmate can get a semi-private room, single showers, and they can make phone calls whenever they want. Like a hotel. Just don’t ask where the mint on your pillow has been. – Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday, the U.S. experienced a series of internet outages. Things got so bad we momentarily surpassed China in productivity. – Conan O’Brien

In Argentina, an entire trove of Nazi artifacts has been found hidden in a house. You can see the whole thing on the new reality show, “Nazi Hoarders”. – Conan O’Brien

“Batman and Robin” came out 20 years ago today. But we always kinda suspected. – Seth Meyers

Qatar Airways today was named “Airline of the Year” at the Paris Air Show. While United was named “Heavyweight Champion” by the WWE. – Seth Meyers

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

[Jokes from Jun 19, 2017]

Because Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein was in on talks about firing Comey, he may need to recuse himself from the Russia probe. He would be the third member of this investigation to be gone, after Attorney General Jeff Sessions and former FBI Director James Comey. It’s all in the latest season of “Survivor: Justice Department Island.” – Stephen Colbert

There have been more legal problems for Donald Trump. One of the president’s lawyers claimed over the weekend that Trump is not under investigation. Which should come as a surprise to Trump, because he tweeted this out a couple of days ago: “I am being investigated.” – James Corden

Last week, The Washington Post reported that the president was under investigation for obstruction of justice — but, of course, that is just speculation from a hostile newspaper using anonymous sources, so Donald Trump did the smart thing and made no comment. I’m just kidding. – Stephen Colbert

Yesterday, President Trump’s lawyer insisted that Trump is not under investigation. He added, “And you can trust me, I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer.” – Conan O’Brien

This can’t be easy for Trump’s lawyers. Like, they’re representing someone who lies even more than they do. And lying is their job. – James Corden

On Friday, he tweeted, “I am being investigated for firing the FBI director by the man who told me to fire the FBI director! Witch hunt.” Mr. President, you know the phrase “You better lawyer up?” It’s short for “You better get a lawyer — and shut up.” – Stephen Colbert

Trump is running a fundraising contest where the winner gets to have dinner with him. James Comey was like, “Trust me, that is not a good prize. Don’t do it.” – Jimmy Fallon

Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly seen dancing this weekend at a wedding in Washington, D.C. Gotta say, I’m impressed. If I had read that many of Anthony Weiner’s emails, I don’t think I’d ever dance again. – Seth Meyers

A new report just came out that says President Trump made $598 million in income last year. It sounds like a lot, but after taxes … it was still $598 million. – Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend it was reported the president is planning to appoint the person who will oversee billions of dollars as head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development for the states of New York and New Jersey. And that person is — drumroll, please — his son Eric’s wedding planner! For real, she planned his wedding. I guess she did a good job. – Jimmy Kimmel

Her name is Lynne Patton. She has no experience in urban or housing development but has incredible reviews on Yelp. Almost five stars. And she really knows her way around a centerpiece. – Jimmy Kimmel

This weekend, Trump took his first trip to Camp David. He spent the whole weekend walking around, exploring the property and looking for the Wi-Fi password. “I got to tweet! I got to tweet!” – Jimmy Fallon

During a meeting with the president of Panama today, President Trump said, “We did a good job building the Panama Canal,” despite the fact that the canal was constructed over a century ago. Mr. President, if you’re going to keep saying stuff this dumb in front of other world leaders, could you at least wear a big bandage on your head? You know, so it seems like there’s a reason. – Seth Meyers

The Supreme Court ruled that a company has the legal right to have an offensive name. In other words, Trump Tower is going to stay Trump Tower. – Conan O’Brien

I hope everyone had a good Father’s Day. Or as the Trump children call it, a day. – James Corden

I don’t know if we should have cards for Father’s Day. For Mother’s Day, they’re sweet with nice messages. Father’s Day cards fit into four major categories [shows cards]: golf, fishing, barbecue, beer. – Jimmy Kimmel

And beer. And beer. And beer and beer. [shows card that reads “Beer Is the Answer”] What kind of message is this? “Dad, you are a potbellied drunk and we’re sending you to rehab after you finish mowing the lawn.” We need to mix it up a little. Either the cards need to change, or we do. – Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new survey, about 1 in 5 dads said they feel guilty about not being present enough with their children. Then again, 1 out of 5 dads is all they could find. – Seth Meyers

The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.” – James Corden

I want to say congrats to Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who welcomed twins. The doctor said, “It’s a boy and a girl,” and the twins said, “It’s Jay-Z and Beyoncé! Oh, my gosh!” – Jimmy Fallon

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. – Seth Meyers

People figured out they had a boy and a girl when they saw light blue and bright pink balloons being delivered. Incidentally, Light Blue and Bright Pink are also the names they’re considering for the babies. – Jimmy Fallon

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Whataboutism!

Monday, July 17, 2017

Team Trump spent this weekend engaging in a propaganda technique called “Whataboutism” that is similar to a technique often used by young children. Whataboutism is used to deflect attention from bad behavior by claiming that other people are at fault, like “All the other kids do it!” or “It wasn’t my fault!”.

I have to admit that Trump has taken this technique to a new extreme, using it like a shotgun blasting away with excuse after excuse (most of which make no sense) trying to see if any stick so they can deflect attention, any attention, away from their own bad behavior.

First up was Donald Trump Senior’s lawyer, Jay Sekulow, who tried to blame the US Secret Service for the meeting between Donald Trump Jr and the Russians, saying “If this was nefarious, why’d the Secret Service allow these people in? The president had Secret Service protection at that point. That raised a question with me.” This was not an offhand comment — Sekulow hit all of the five Sunday shows with his story.

This is such a flimsy excuse — basically saying “my bodyguards should have stopped me from doing anything illegal” but it is even worse than that. The Secret Service immediately pointed out that Donald Trump Jr. was not under their protection during the campaign, which is when the meeting occurred.

Part two was from Trump Sr., who just before his normal Sunday golf game trotted out the now standard “What about Hillary?” excuse by tweeting “HillaryClinton can illegally get the questions to the Debate & delete 33,000 emails but my son Don is being scorned by the Fake News Media?” Yeah, like getting one question to a debate in advance is anywhere near as bad as conspiring with your country’s enemy to throw an election.

Quickly followed by part three, an extra added dose of “What about Hillary?”, claiming that the Clinton campaign conspired with the Ukrainians, so they are just as bad. This is based on a meeting between DNC consultant Alexandra Chalupa and Ukrainian diplomats. But there is a huge difference between meeting with a foreign government and conspiring with them to throw an election.

Chalupa was investigating whether Paul Manafort (who was also involved in the Russian meeting) had been involved in secret dealings in Ukraine with politicians who had ties to Russia. It turned out that Manafort did have undisclosed dealings and he eventually lost his job as Trump’s campaign manager. So talking to the Ukrainians was legitimate. Indeed, the information she received was publicly available, so it isn’t even collusion, unlike the Russian information, which was presented as so secret that it could only be revealed to Trump Jr. in person.

It might have been reasonable if the Trump campaign had met with the Russians because there was some suggestion that Hilary Clinton had undisclosed ties to the Russians, but that isn’t the case. Nor was there any suggestion that the Ukraine was trying to influence the US election. And finally, like all “Whataboutism” even if Clinton (and Chalupa didn’t even work for the Clinton campaign) actually did conspire with the Ukrainians for some nefarious end, would that excuse the Trump campaign from conspiring with Russia to throw the election? Even in the best case, both should go to jail.

Ironically, Whataboutism was extremely popular with the Soviet Union and with post-Soviet Russia. But would it surprise anyone to learn that the Trump campaign was taking lessons from the Russians?

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, July 16, 2017

[Jokes from Jun 15, 2017]

The Washington Post reports that President Trump is being investigated for obstruction of justice, which could wind up costing him the presidency. Trump was like, “OK, now give me the bad news.” – Jimmy Fallon

It was revealed yesterday that the FBI is now investigating President Donald Trump for obstruction of justice. I don’t know if Trump obstructed justice, but I’ll tell you what he has obstructed — my ability to talk about anything other than Trump every night on this show. Let’s be honest: That’s the real crime, isn’t it? – James Corden

I don’t want to be doing this! I want to be talking about whether or not Beyoncé’s had her twins yet. Where are they? – James Corden

President Trump is under investigation for obstruction of justice. That was confirmed today when President Trump said he is NOT under investigation for obstruction of justice. – Conan O’Brien

How do you guys think the president of the United States responded to these very serious allegations? If you guessed “on Twitter”, I’m sorry to report that you were correct. – James Corden

The president woke up bright and early this morning, the day after what had to be his worst birthday ever. He woke up, walked down the hall to Melania’s bedroom, the door was locked. So he went downstairs, punched Sean Spicer in the stomach, wrestled the phone out of his little pink hands and tweeted about this special investigation into him. – Jimmy Kimmel

This morning Trump responded to an article on Twitter and called it a “phony story”. I guess at this point even Trump’s tired of saying “fake news.” – Jimmy Fallon

Remember when Donald Trump said he would give up tweeting when he became president? That was funny. That was a good one. – Jimmy Kimmel

But I guess this investigation is also a big deal. Democrats are hoping that this will lead to impeachment. Republicans, on the other hand, are secretly hoping … that this will lead to impeachment. – James Corden

Yesterday we learned that the president is being investigated by a special counsel led by Robert Mueller for possible obstruction of justice. So this morning at 7:57 a.m., Trump tweeted, “You are witnessing the single greatest witch hunt in American political history led by some very bad and conflicted people. #MAGA.” He’s even making witch hunts great again! – Jimmy Kimmel

I don’t think witches play golf every weekend. The way we’ll know Trump is a witch is when the White House falls on top of him and we see his feet curl up. – Jimmy Kimmel

This morning Donald Trump tweeted: “They made up a phony collusion with the Russian story, found zero proof, so now they go with obstruction of justice on the phony story. Nice.” Donald Trump is the first president to make regular use of the sarcastic “nice”, isn’t he? You never heard FDR go, “This is a date which will live in infamy. Nice.” – James Corden

Although, Bill Clinton did use “nice”, but it was different. It was when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman. [winks] Nice.” – James Corden

Experts say that if President Trump were to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, all hell would break loose. Or as Trump calls that, “Thursday”. – Conan O’Brien

Sunday is Father’s Day and the Trump kids are planning to give their father a tie. It’ll be the first time in a while that Trump has a tie that’s not linked to Russia. – Conan O’Brien

Trump also tried to deflect the allegations by going after Hillary Clinton — again. This afternoon, he posted: “Crooked H destroyed phones with hammer, bleached emails and had husband meet with AG days before she was cleared — and they talk about obstruction?” Now just so you know, I don’t understand what this means either. But let’s go through it piece by piece. Let’s start with “Crooked H”. Now, I think he’s talking about Hillary, but Crooked H could also be a member of the Wu Tang Clan. – James Corden

“Crooked H” sounds like how someone would describe the letter “K” if they forgot what it was called. – James Corden

Next, he said she bleached her emails. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Sometimes, before a really hot date night with my wife, I’ll go get my email bleached. It’s a courtesy to your partner. – James Corden

The real question is: Why is Donald Trump still tweeting about Hillary? Seriously, Donald Trump is that guy who swears he’s over his ex, but then spends the entire night telling you exactly how over her he is. – James Corden

The Senate today passed a bill that imposes new sanctions on Russia and allows Congress to stop President Trump from repealing them. Wow, even Congress doesn’t trust him. He’s like a 15-year-old kid who still gets a babysitter. – Seth Meyers

Vladimir Putin has offered asylum to former FBI Director James Comey. When she heard, Melania Trump said, “Hey, what about me?” – Conan O’Brien

Dennis Rodman is in the middle of what is planned to be a four-day trip in North Korea and he brought gifts on this trip for his BFF Kim Jong Un. He brought a variety of soaps wrapped in cellophane. He brought a mermaid jigsaw puzzle. Two nondescript number 91 jerseys. This is like a sad yard sale or terrible flea market. – Jimmy Kimmel

And two books, “Where’s Waldo?” and “The Art of the Deal.” I love that he brought Kim Jong Un “The Art of the Deal” — as if he needs help negotiating. Negotiating with Kim Jong Un goes like this: You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor. – Jimmy Kimmel

“Where’s Waldo?” they think is for Kim Jong Un’s daughter, who I think is 5 years old. They love American books in North Korea. They adapt them to suit the North Korean lifestyle. There’s “Good Night Un,” “Oh the Places You’ll Never Go,” “The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Millions of Other People.” – Jimmy Kimmel

It really is amazing Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un are friends. Especially considering Kim Jong Un doesn’t speak English and Dennis Rodman doesn’t speak English. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit. – Seth Meyers

Kevin Durant says that President Obama sent him a text to congratulate him on winning his first championship this week. Meanwhile, LeBron got a text that said “loser”. – Jimmy Fallon

Major league baseball has announced that they will allow players to wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend this season. Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them. – Seth Meyers

Fox News is dropping its slogan “fair and balanced”. Instead, it will be replaced with the more appropriate slogan “blondes and Hannity”. – Jimmy Fallon

National Geographic’s new slogan is “basically the Playboy Channel for chimpanzees.” – Jimmy Fallon

BBC America is changing their slogan to “dumber BBC.” – Jimmy Fallon

And finally, HGTV’s new slogan is “making you realize how many annoying couples exist.” – Jimmy Fallon

A company is offering a new service that will allow personal photos to be printed on swim trunks. “So it’ll just look like I’m naked?” asked Anthony Weiner. – Seth Meyers

A United Airlines employee is under fire for pushing over a 71-year-old passenger. Or as the CEO of United put it, “We’re back, baby!” – Conan O’Brien

Ikea recently announced that it will be launching a candle collection, because what goes together better than Ikea furniture and an open flame? – Seth Meyers

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Chief Inspector Trump?

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Have you seen the movie (or the play) “The Producers”? Actually, there were two versions of the movie, either will do. In The Producers a Broadway producer realizes that he should be able to get away with stealing tons of money from investors as long as he can guarantee that the play they produce is a flop. So they create a disaster of a play about Nazis called “Springtime for Hitler”. Except, that it is so bad it is funny, and becomes a hit.

We know that Trump did not expect (or even hope) to win the election. Which may explain why they were so lazy and sloppy, and felt that they could get away with doing tons of illegal things. You know, like having meetings with Russian government officials in order to destroy the integrity of the election. Of course, as long as they lost.

Now of course, they are all lawyering up, a sure sign that they know they are in deep doo-doo. I expect things to get far worse before they get better (if they ever doo [sic]).

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Better Health Care?

Friday, July 14, 2017

The Republicans keep claiming that the Obamacare exchanges are collapsing. I guess they think that if they repeat it often enough, it will be true. There are just TWO problems with this. As I and many others have pointed out, if the health insurance exchanges are failing, then the Republicans should fix them. After all, isn’t a free-market exchange for health insurance exactly the free-market solution that Republicans claim they want? And didn’t they invent the idea in the first place?

But the bigger problem with what the Republicans are saying is (of course) that it just isn’t true. The nonpartisan Kaiser Family just released a study of the exchanges, which was conducted in the first quarter of 2017, and their conclusion is that they are essentially stable. The insurers are making money off the exchanges, and (more importantly) the pool of people insured by them is not getting less healthy. And if this study wasn’t enough, the Congressional Budget Office came to the same conclusions.

Now, here’s the kicker, even though the exchanges are stable this stability is “fragile”. Why? Because of the uncertainty caused by the Republican attempts to repeal Obamacare. Indeed, Donald Trump has even threatened to withhold payments to insurance companies, and there are also concerns about how strongly the Trump administration will enforce the individual mandate even if the Republicans fail in their attempts to kill the mandate. Killing the mandate would cause prices to rise significantly.

In essence, if the Republicans were doctors their diagnosis would be that the patient, while currently healthy, is in danger of getting very sick due to what they themselves are doing, so the only course of action is to kill the patient now before it is too late.

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, July 14, 2017

[Jokes from Jun 14, 2017]

I saw that today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. That’s right. When his staff saw him coming, they turned out the lights and hid — until he went away. “Whew, so close. We almost had to say, “Happy Birthday!” – Jimmy Fallon

It’s Donald Trump’s birthday. Seventy-one candles on that cake. Although, Trump later said it was “over a million candles. Most candles ever.” – Stephen Colbert

Happy Birthday to President Trump, who turned 71 today. So, the president is a man in his 70s who wants a golf score in the 60s, his country in the ’50s and a wife in her 20s. – Seth Meyers

Today is President Trump’s birthday. Melania surprised him by still living in the White House. – Conan O’Brien

Melania jumped out of a cake and made a run for it. – Jimmy Kimmel

He got a lot of birthday cards from different people. And we actually got our hands on a few of them. Let’s take a look at these. For example, here’s one from Vladimir Putin [shows card]. His card says, “It sounds like you had a great party.” Inside it says, “Based on our recordings from the Oval Office.” – Jimmy Fallon

Next one is from Sean Spicer. It says, “Today, I’m toasting to you.” And inside it says, “Because you’re the reason I drink every day.” – Jimmy Fallon

And finally, here’s one from George W. Bush. It says, “Here’s to you.” And inside it says, “For making me look like president of the century.” – Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump turned 71 today. At the White House, they had a little party for the president. They played pin the blame on the press secretary. – Jimmy Kimmel

Vladimir Putin didn’t show up but he, you know, gave Trump his present back in November. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. Trump received a card from Vladimir Putin that said, “I hope you’re enjoying the birthday present I gave you in November.” – Conan O’Brien

It is President Donald Trump’s birthday today, he’s 71 years old today. I’m just glad, I’m glad Donald Trump can finally have a day where he’s the center of attention. – James Corden

71 years ago, Donald Trump was just a little baby, with little hands and feet, going wah-wah-wah all day long. And nothing has really changed since then. – Jimmy Kimmel

It must be hard to shop for Trump. What do you get the man who has everything? I know, I know something he doesn’t have, the popular vote. – James Corden

Two hundred Democrats got together to give the president something he might like. But instead, they’re suing Trump over foreign payments to his businesses. At least they got together to give him this card: “Congratulations, birthday boy, you’ve been served.” – Stephen Colbert

There’s a major report from the Washington Post just a couple of hours ago. It says that the special counsel led by Robert Mueller is now officially looking into whether President Trump attempted to obstruct justice in his dealings with James Comey. As far as presidential birthday presents go, not exactly Marilyn Monroe singing to JFK. But I like to imagine Trump found out about this just as Sean Spicer was handing him his birthday present. – Jimmy Kimmel

Now of course, turning 71 is a big occasion. To celebrate, I think Trump should take the day off, I do. And the week, and the month, and the next four years. – James Corden

The president had an interesting lunch yesterday with Republican senators where he had some surprisingly strong criticism of the Republican healthcare bill. He called the bill “mean, cold-hearted, and a son of a bitch.” He does know the bill is not Bill Cosby or Bill O’Reilly, right? – Jimmy Kimmel

Today, President Trump said the GOP healthcare bill that passed through the House was “mean” and “difficult to defend.” Then Trump said, “In other words, I love it.” – Conan O’Brien

In other Trump news, in a meeting with Republican senators, the president reportedly told members of Congress that he feels the Republican healthcare bill is not generous enough and is “mean”. Who talks like that, who says “mean”? He talks like he’s gossiping at a junior high dance. After that he called the guys who drafted the bill a bunch of basic bitches. – James Corden

Trump says the bill needs to be less mean and more generous. In other words, it needs to be Obamacare. – James Corden

A French fashion label is now offering a pair of $570 jeans that come without a butt. There’s nothing in the butt. I have got to tell you, these jeans are a great way of telling your friends and coworkers that your father never paid enough attention to you. – James Corden

They should call these Republican healthcare jeans because there is barely any coverage. – James Corden

According to reports, since President Trump won the Republican nomination, the majority of Trump real estate sales have been to “secretive buyers” who use corporate entities to avoid revealing their names. But I’m pretty sure we all know who’s behind Plad Vutin LLC. – Seth Meyers

Following Monday’s first official cabinet meeting, the secretary of Veterans Affairs said that President Trump does not “script” the cabinet members, adding, quote, “We’re given the ability to say what’s on our mind.” Which explains why Ben Carson said, “Cucumber luggage hula hoop.” – Seth Meyers

During his testimony yesterday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said that he hasn’t been asked to do anything illegal by Trump since taking office. Then he said, “And frankly, I’m starting to feel a little left out.” – Jimmy Fallon

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced”. Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? – James Corden

Fox News is dropping its famous tagline, “Fair and Balanced.” Fox News is swapping it for the more accurate tagline, “Paranoia and Ads for Cialis.” – Conan O’Brien

But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. – James Corden

Fox News has announced it is dropping its slogan “Fair and Balanced.” For the same reason United dropped “Fly the Friendly Skies”. – Seth Meyers

There’s a new version of the Bible that has updated language that’s coming out. For example, it refers to Jesus’ disciples as “wingmen”. – Conan O’Brien

Astronomers are now speculating that our sun may have had a long lost twin. So, it’s official: Our entire solar system is a telenovela. – Conan O’Brien

An 18-year-old field-goal kicker could be the first woman to play in the NFL. Scouts say she has the talent and desire. All she needs now is the criminal record. – Conan O’Brien

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D.A.R.E.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

As I’ve said many times, I’m a pragmatist. If there is hard evidence that something works, then I’m for it, ideology be damned. I like single-payer health insurance because it works in so many countries around the world, giving better health results for far less money spent.

Conversely, if something doesn’t work, like trickle down economics, then I’m against it. Cutting taxes might personally benefit me quite a bit, but would make my country worse off by hurting the economy and leading to more economic bubbles and crashes, and I love my country too much to want that.

Unfortunately, reality doesn’t seem to matter much any more, which is the only explanation for why Attorney General Jeff Sessions wants to bring back the D.A.R.E. program. The Drug Abuse Resistance Education program was the pet project of First Lady Nancy Reagan, and generally involved uniformed police officers speaking to students about the dangers of drugs and trying to scare them.

In 1998, a comprehensive report to Congress concluded that the program did not reduce drug abuse at all, because it did not focus on the root causes of drug use.

There is even less reason to believe that D.A.R.E. would work any better today. Twenty six states (a majority) and the District of Columbia have legalized marijuana use in some form, and eight have legalized it entirely for recreational use. And the results have been generally positive. Fewer people are going to jail for smoking weed, and more tax revenue has been raised, which can be used for drug treatment programs.

Note that I’m not promoting drug use, I’m just pointing out that prohibition didn’t work to prevent alcohol abuse, and it won’t work to prevent drug abuse. There are even countries (like Portugal) that have decriminalized all drug use, and the results have been generally positive. For example, deaths from overdoses have dropped dramatically.

But Sessions not only wants to bring back the D.A.R.E. program, he also wants the federal government to overrule state laws legalizing marijuana. It doesn’t work, and will be a complete waste of money.

Laws should be based on evidence and facts, not ideology and misguided wishful thinking.

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Late Night Political Humor

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

[Jokes from Jun 13,2017]

Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified in Congress today as part of the Russia investigation, and it wasn’t a good sign when they asked him if he swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, and he said [Russian accent], “Da”. – Jimmy Fallon

Jeff Sessions said he “doesn’t recall” having any meetings with Russians at the Mayflower. For those of you who don’t know, “doesn’t recall” is the Washington term meaning, “I definitely recall and I’m in trouble.” – Jimmy Fallon

It’s being reported that in the 2016 elections, Russia interfered with voting systems in at least 39 states. Which finally explains why the new governor of Wyoming is Anna Kournikova. – Conan O’Brien

A new poll found that only 37 percent of voters think President Trump is honest. Or as Trump put it — 100 percent. – Seth Meyers

It’s rumored that President Trump’s upcoming trip to the U.K. is on hold because he’s worried about angry protests. I have to admit, of all the wars I thought Trump might restart, I wasn’t counting on “Revolutionary”. – Conan O’Brien

A former spokesperson for President Bush tweeted that Trump should stop talking, because he’s heading towards a perjury trap. When Trump heard that and was like, “Perjury trap? That’s my favorite Lindsay Lohan movie!” – Jimmy Fallon

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has published a new book titled “Understanding Trump.” [Shows page with big text “He cray”.] And I have to say it’s a pretty quick read. – Seth Meyers

We have to congratulate the Golden State Warriors for winning the NBA Championship last night. It was absolutely incredible. Trump was confused because he thought the NBA Championship was like the presidential election and the second-place finisher is declared the winner. “LeBron, it’s the president. Congratulations.” – James Corden

There are rumors going around already that the Warriors have voted unanimously to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump. Trump was very understanding. He was like, “Look, I get it. I skip going to the White House whenever I can, too.” – James Corden

After winning the NBA Championship the Golden State Warriors unanimously decided to skip the traditional visit to the White House. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “Wait, you can do that?” – Conan O’Brien

A new report just came out and it found that the employees at a Trump clothing factory in Indonesia are subject to low wages and verbal abuse. And even they wouldn’t change places with Sean Spicer. – Conan O’Brien

Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. This is the former NBA player and reality TV star’s fourth visit with leader Kim Jong Un, who’s been clashing with Donald Trump lately over nuclear testing. You know you’re living in strange times when the news involves Dennis Rodman, the leader of North Korea, the president of the United States — and Dennis Rodman is the one who’s the least crazy. – James Corden

Puerto Rico has decided they want to become a U.S. state. When they heard about it, California said, “That’s great, they can take our place.” – Conan O’Brien

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick announced today that he is taking a leave of absence from the company. But he’ll be back in three minutes — no wait, hold on, now it’s saying five minutes. Six? Oh, no! Canceled?! – Seth Meyers

Tesla’s new Model X car just got the first ever perfect safety rating for an SUV. Now on one hand, that’s a great accomplishment; on the other, have no SUVs been safe until now? – Jimmy Fallon

New York lawmakers are going to reintroduce a proposal to legalize marijuana. When asked why they’re reintroducing it, they said, “Because we forgot we did it the first time.” – Jimmy Fallon

A new survey shows that men are four times more likely than women to take their cellphone out during a wedding or a funeral. While women are more likely to take their cellphone out during an argument. “I’ll tell you exactly what you said!” – Seth Meyers

Khloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner are being accused of stealing the ideas of other clothing designers. They’re also being accused of stealing YEARS OF OUR LIVES. – Conan O’Brien

Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle. – Seth Meyers

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Meaningful Information

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Does anyone else get the creeps as much as I do when watching Kellyanne Conway speak?

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Smoking Guns and Treason

Monday, July 10, 2017

Trump and his campaign originally (repeatedly) denied that the Russians interfered in our presidential election, but under mounting evidence of Russian hacking, they eventually admitted that the Russians did interfere, but that there was no collusion between the Russians and Trump or his campaign.

Well, that was a lie too. It turns out that last June, just after Donald Trump clinched the Republican nomination, his son, Trump Jr., along with his campaign manager Paul Manafort and Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner, met with a Russian lawyer who is connected to the Kremlin. What did they talk about?

Initially, Trump Jr. admitted the meeting, but claimed that they met to discuss the adoption of Russian children in the US. Yeah, right. Nobody believed that ridiculous story. So it took just over a day for him to change his story completely and admit that they had talked about campaign matters. In fact, the Russian lawyer had promised damaging information on Hillary Clinton.

So much for “no collusion“.

How bad is this? Richard Painter, the ethics lawyer for the second Bush administration says that the situation “This borders on treason, if it is not itself treason“. And that’s a Republican opinion.

UPDATE: Donald Trump Jr. released an email chain that shows that the Trump campaign knowingly colluded with the Russian government.

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Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, July 8, 2017

[Jokes from Jun 12, 2017]

President Trump held a Cabinet meeting today in which each Cabinet member took turns praising the president. After hearing this, Kim Jong Un said, “Man, even I’m not that insecure.” – Conan O’Brien

Today, a Federal Appeals Court ruled against President Trump’s revised travel ban —- and get this, they even quoted his tweets in their decision. Or as Trump put it, “That counts as a retweet!” (I win!) – Jimmy Fallon

After the ruling, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said he’s confident that the travel ban is “fully lawful.” Then he was like, “Sorry, I read that wrong — it’s ‘fully awful.’ My mistake.” – Jimmy Fallon

First lady Melania Trump and son Barron officially moved into the White House yesterday. Unfortunately, during the move, someone left the gate open and Sean Spicer ran away. – Seth Meyers

Over the weekend, Melania Trump finally moved into the White House. But this is a bad sign — she only brought a week’s worth of clothes. – Jimmy Fallon

Melania has to learn all of the important stuff about living in the White House. You know, where the bathrooms are, how to turn on the air conditioning, how to lie under oath … the basics. – James Corden

First lady Melania Trump has officially, as of today, moved into the White House. In a related story, Donald Trump just moved from the Lincoln Bedroom to the Lincoln Couch. – Conan O’Brien

First lady Melania Trump has officially moved into the White House after five months living apart from her husband. Rumors say Melania was unhappy about moving into the White House but felt more reassured when Trump told her, “Don’t worry, I’m usually at Mar-a-Lago. You will never see me. I’m literally never there.” – James Corden

President Trump was out at the golf course again this weekend, but this time he showed up unannounced at a wedding at the Trump International Golf Club in New Jersey. He went in to the wedding and even took photos with the couple. With Trump there, the bride got everything she needed — something old, something new, something borrowed, and something orange. – James Corden

Over the weekend in New Jersey, President Trump crashed a wedding. Apparently, the bride said she wanted something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that will probably be out of office by August. – Conan O’Brien

President Trump yesterday called former FBI Director James Comey cowardly. Though, if Comey is the cowardly one, I’m pretty sure Trump is the one without a brain. – Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, Americans find former FBI Director James Comey to be more trustworthy than President Trump. Also, more Americans prefer Pepsi to the bottle marked “rat poison”. – Seth Meyers

It looks like President Donald Trump may be canceling a planned visit to the U.K. due to his lack of support there. He says he doesn’t want to go somewhere where he is extremely unpopular. You know — like 48 out of the 50 states in America. – James Corden

It’s been reported that President Trump is so worried about protests that he is postponing his upcoming trip to England. Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language. – Conan O’Brien

Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta spoke to the press this afternoon and pushed for wider use of apprenticeship training for people who “learn better by doing”. Of course learning by doing [shows photo of Trump] doesn’t always work for everyone. – Seth Meyers

Yesterday, Rafael Nadal won the French Open and became the first man to win 10 titles at any major tournament. When asked what his secret is, he said, “Not having to play Serena Williams.” – Jimmy Fallon

A new study reveals more than 2 billion people worldwide are overweight or obese. And at any given time, most of them are at Disneyland the same day as you. – Conan O’Brien

Someone invented a pair of yoga pants that vibrate when your yoga pose is incorrect. Which explains the new trend, “incorrect yoga poses”. – Conan O’Brien

A birth control pill has been recalled due to a packaging error that puts placebo pills at the beginning of the pack rather than at the end. So pick up a pack today at Unplanned Parenthood. – Seth Meyers

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Market Fundamentalism

Friday, July 7, 2017

Don’t get me wrong — I love free markets. But free markets require careful regulation to keep them free. Democracy and freedom still requires the rule of law. Otherwise we end up with monopolies, corporations as people, robber barons, corporate welfare, and economic stagnation.

In fact, the point of this comic is that what is being promoted as capitalism nowadays is more like a religion than a set of economic principles. What else could explain that while the Koch Brothers’ “great conservative economic experiment” in Kansas has failed miserably, the same religion is still being peddled at the national level by Trump and the Republicans. They just didn’t believe in it hard enough.

People seem to be worshiping greed and avarice. And their high priest is Donald Trump, an unabashed twittervangelist and con man.

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, July 7, 2017

[Jokes from Jun 8, 2017]

A big heat wave is expected to hit New York City this weekend. They say that we’ll be sweating like Trump while he watched the James Comey hearing. – Jimmy Fallon

Happy St. Comey’s Day, everybody! Of course, everybody celebrates Comey Day if their own way. We’re kind of traditionalists around here. We celebrated by watching TV and writing jokes as fast as we can. – Stephen Colbert

During his testimony today, James Comey said that the Trump administration chose to defame him and the FBI with “lies, plain and simple.” A claim that was refuted by both Plain and Simple. [shows photo of Eric and Donald Jr] – Seth Meyers

Today, former FBI Director James Comey testified in Congress, but he would not say in the public hearing if he thinks Trump colluded with Russia. Then he said, “But I CAN do this.” [nods frantically] – Jimmy Fallon

Former FBI Director Comey testified that he met privately with President Trump on February 14th. This is good news for everyone who thought THEY had the worst Valentine’s Day ever. – Conan O’Brien

Everybody was looking forward to the former FBI director testifying about all the juicy details of his meetings with Donald Trump. Because, remember, Comey wrote everything down. And all his memos are going to be collected in his new children’s book: “James and the Guilty Orange”. – Stephen Colbert

James Comey testified that every time he thought President Trump was lying, he wrote it down. Which explains why Comey was just rushed to the hospital for carpal tunnel syndrome. – Conan O’Brien

Comey said that he kept memos of his meetings with Trump because he felt that the president may lie about them. Even Trump was like, “Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking.” – Jimmy Fallon

Comey understood Trump had the right to fire him, but he didn’t buy the official explanation — that it was how he treated candidate Hillary Clinton. “That didn’t make sense to me for a whole bunch of reasons, including the time and all the water that had gone under the bridge since those hard decisions had to be made.” I remember that bridge. I think it’s the one they threw Hillary off to see if she was a witch. – Stephen Colbert

House Speaker Paul Ryan defended Donald Trump’s behavior, saying, “The president’s new at this.” Ryan said, “And by ‘this’ I mean ‘following the law’.” – Conan O’Brien

President Trump did not post on Twitter during James Comey’s Senate testimony today. Well, he thought he did, but his aide switched his phone with a Speak & Spell. – Seth Meyers

Despite Comey’s testimony, a White House spokesperson said today is a regular Thursday at the White House. America was like, “Yeah, that’s what worries us.“ – Jimmy Fallon

Today during the televised hearings, Senator Dianne Feinstein told Comey, “You’re big, you’re strong.” Then she said, “I’ll continue the rest of my statement in the closed session.” – Conan O’Brien

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United. – Seth Meyers

Producers have announced that they are suspending production of “The Real Housewives of Toronto.” Apparently, the show didn’t work because every argument ended with, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry.” – Seth Meyers

Everybody here [in the U.K.] is talking about the election. If you’re watching this in Britain, you already know who the prime minister is. If you are watching this in America, you already don’t care who the prime minister is. – James Corden

We taped this show a day before, so as it stands right now, we don’t know what happened in this election. Meanwhile, in America, their election was last year and they still don’t know what happened in their election. – James Corden

Regardless of that, we can assume Donald Trump has already congratulated the winner in his traditional fashion by insulting them on Twitter. – James Corden

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Suspension of Disbelief

Late Night Political Humor

Late Night Political Humor

Whataboutism!

Late Night Political Humor

Chief Inspector Trump?

Better Health Care?

Late Night Political Humor

D.A.R.E.

Late Night Political Humor

Meaningful Information

Smoking Guns and Treason

Late Night Political Humor

Market Fundamentalism

Late Night Political Humor

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