Political Irony

[Jokes from Jul 11, 2017]

Back in June [last year] Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer who he believed had damaging information about Hillary Clinton to share. They met at Trump Tower. Son-in-law-in-chief Jared Kushner and former campaign manager Paul Manafort were in attendance. The New York Times broke this story, and this morning just before they were about to release a series of damning emails, Donald Jr. released those emails himself. [Reads highlights from the email exchange] And then he forwarded this to Kushner and Manafort, the meeting happened, and now all hell has broken loose. Donald Jr. is like the guy at work who opens the obviously fake document and now everyone in the office has a virus on their computer. – Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump Jr. released a series of emails showing he actively tried to collaborate with the Russians before the election. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, “Good luck trying to connect me to Donald Trump Jr.” – Conan O’Brien

Donald Jr. hired a lawyer yesterday. This lawyer, in the past, represented members of the mafia. That actually makes sense — the Trumps are like the Corleone family, if all of them were Fredo. – Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump Jr. is being represented by a mafia lawyer who has defended four New York crime families. So now the lawyer has updated his resume to say “defended five New York crime families.” – Conan O’Brien

Last night, I told you about how Don Jr. met with a Russian lawyer, who claimed to have dirt on Hillary Clinton. Seems pretty bad. But it turned out much worse. Then, The New York Times reported that “Trump Jr. was told in an email that this was a Russian effort to aid Trump’s campaign.” Wow. Who could have predicted an email scandal would taint a presidential campaign? – Stephen Colbert

The president did issue a statement in support of his son. He wrote, “My son is a high-quality person and I applaud his transparency.” Right. As soon as The New York Times told him they were going to release his emails, HE released his emails. He’s about as transparent as a pumpkin. – Jimmy Kimmel

Don Jr.’s emails were with British music publicist Rob Goldstone. He met the Trumps at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors. – Stephen Colbert

It is funny, though, that after Donald spent a year hammering Hillary about emails he may finally get brought down by an email. [Sings Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”] It’s like rain on your wedding day. – Jimmy Kimmel

Seventeen minutes later, Don Jr. responded, “Thanks, Rob, I appreciate that. If it’s what you say, I love it, especially later in the summer.” Just to make it clear, he also attached this picture [pic of Trump Jr. with printed T-shirt] — “I love crime in the summertime!” – Stephen Colbert

If there’s any lesson to be learned from this, it’s that no one should use email ever, for anything, at all. – Jimmy Kimmel

So at this point, I would like to issue a formal apology. I’d like to apologize to Eric Trump. We always thought you were the dumb one, and we were wrong. – Stephen Colbert

So this afternoon, Hillary Clinton made a short statement in front of a group of her supporters in upstate New York: “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Today was one of those days I woke up, I cracked my neck, I brushed my teeth, I looked in the mirror and I thought, “Boy, am I glad I’m not Donald Trump Jr.” I have that thought about three times a week, but today I said it out loud. – Jimmy Kimmel

White House chief of staff Reince Priebus has dismissed the latest Trump-Russia story as “a nothingburger”. When questioned about his really strange choice of words, he explained, “My name is Reince Priebus.” – Conan O’Brien

A new study just found that the Republican healthcare bill has the same approval rating as Nickelback and herpes. When asked to comment, the herpes virus said, “Hey, don’t lump me in with those guys.” – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from Jul 10, 2017]

At this weekend’s G-20 summit, President Trump and Vladimir Putin had a private two-and-a-half hour meeting. It’s probably not a good sign that it ended with Putin handing Trump a single red rose. – Conan O’Brien

But the bigly event this weekend: Donald Trump finally met his BFF, Russian President Vladimir Putin. They’d never met before, and they could not take their beautiful blue eyes off each other. – Jimmy Kimmel

They were only scheduled to meet for 30 minutes but they talked for two hours. During the chat, Trump and Putin talked about teaming up to form a cybersecurity unit to stop future hacking of elections. It’s great idea; think of the time it’ll save! They already know our passwords, so why not? It’s like hiring the guy who stole your car stereo to put it back in. – Jimmy Kimmel

We learned yesterday that on June 9 of last year, Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer after being promised damaging information on Hillary Clinton. [Audience reacts] Yeah, you took the “Ooh” right out of my mouth. You could knock me over with … whatever you use to knock over someone who isn’t the least bit surprised. – Stephen Colbert

The meeting took place at Trump Tower and included Jared Kushner and then-Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort — and proves that at least some in the campaign were willing to accept Russian help. So it’s not a smoking gun, but it IS a gun meeting with a Russian bullet about their mutual desire to smoke. – Stephen Colbert

Pretty damning, but Don Jr. has a good explanation: “It was a short introductory meeting. I asked Jared and Paul to stop by. We primarily discussed a program about the adoption of Russian children.” Yes, I think they were talking about the adoption of little Timmy Kislyak. – Stephen Colbert

President Trump is being criticized now for allowing his daughter Ivanka to sit in for him at the G-20 summit. At a press conference today, the White House press secretary’s 8-year-old daughter said, “It’s no big deal.” – Conan O’Brien

The president wasn’t alone at the G-20 summit. His wife “Malaria” and his daughter Ivanka were there. At one point Ivanka sat in for Donald Trump at a meeting with world leaders. Of course Twitter went nuts, and that’s the only thing he reads, so he got very defensive. This morning, he wrote, “If Chelsea Clinton held the seat for her mother, the Fake News would say ‘Chelsea for Prez’” — which is stupid, because if Hillary Clinton was president she wouldn’t let ANYONE sit in that seat. – Jimmy Kimmel

If Hillary had to go to the bathroom, she would literally have picked up the chair and carried it with her into the stall. – Jimmy Kimmel

He’s got a point, I do think people are overreacting. She just held his seat. I don’t remember people complaining when President Obama let Sasha give the order to kill bin Laden, do you? – Jimmy Kimmel

President Donald Trump flew to Germany to meet with other world leaders for the G-20 summit. They had trouble booking a hotel room because they waited so long to do it, which is funny for a guy who owns a dozen hotels. – Jimmy Kimmel

On Saturday, President Trump had back-to-back meetings with the leaders of China and then Japan. There was an awkward moment when Trump asked the leader of Japan, “Hey, didn’t I just meet with you?” – Conan O’Brien

Some tech experts in Silicon Valley now believe that a robot would make a better president than a human. I don’t know about you, but at this point, I would vote for President Roomba. – Conan O’Brien

In Iraq, ISIS is on the verge of total defeat. You can tell ISIS is pretty much on the way out, because they’ve already been booked to appear on next season’s “Dancing With the Stars.” – Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, Los Angeles experienced a massive heat wave. Some people were so desperate for air conditioning, they actually went to see the new “Transformers” movie. – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from Jun 29, 2017]

I’m going to say something I didn’t think was possible anymore: I am shocked by something Donald Trump said. I thought, by now, that my soul had calcified into a crouton. Not true, because today, the president of the United States tweeted, “How come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year’s Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!” – Stephen Colbert

Trump accused Mika Brzezinski of getting plastic surgery, which is odd, because that’s the only thing covered by his healthcare plan. – Jimmy Fallon

First of all, someone bleeding badly at your door, and you say no? Sounds like your healthcare plan. I mean, turning them away from your hotel during the middle of winter is literally the story of Christmas. Only there wasn’t a wise man in sight. – Stephen Colbert

Let’s stop pretending Trump is a symptom of something. He’s the disease, and the only cure is three and a half years of liquor and bed rest. – Stephen Colbert

Of course, the first lady defended her husband via her spokesperson: “As the first lady has stated publicly in the past, when her husband gets attacked, he will punch back 10 times harder.” Yes, as the first lady says, “When they go low, we go 10 times lower.” – Stephen Colbert

Last night, President Trump hosted the first fundraiser for his 2020 re-election campaign. The event was black tie, but white guests. – Seth Meyers

Today, President Trump met with the newly elected president of South Korea. “Do you speak English?” asked the president of South Korea. – Seth Meyers

For the fourth time, a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. People were so excited; at the victory party, they kept chanting, “28 more years! 28 more years!” – Jimmy Fallon

This weekend is the July 4th holiday weekend, or as your dog calls it, PTSD Day. – Seth Meyers

Airbnb is planning to launch a luxury service for mansions. They say it’s perfect for people who want to have everything stolen from their mansion. – Jimmy Fallon

A company in New York City has opened what some are calling a nonalcoholic cocktail bar that creates drinks using lemons and herbal ingredients instead of alcohol. And this is cool — they’re using empty chairs instead of customers. – Seth Meyers

A woman gave birth to a baby on a recent Spirit Airlines flight. When the flight attendant said, “Is there a doctor on board?” the passengers said, “Of course not. This is Spirit Airlines.” – Jimmy Fallon

Today is the 10th anniversary of the release of the first iPhone. It’s also the 10th anniversary of someone asking their bartender, “Um, can you charge this for me?” – Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Jun 28, 2017]

President Trump today met several Native American tribal leaders. They had a lot of questions for the president, such as, “How the hell did you manage to lose money running a casino?” – Seth Meyers

The New York Times said Donald Trump “faltered in his role as a ‘closer’.” Yeah, usually, he’s a great closer. Just look at his casinos. Oh wait, you can’t, they’re gone. – Stephen Colbert

I saw that President Trump retweeted a 16-year-old who posted a photo calling CNN the “Fake News Network.” When asked what it’s like to have a child follow you on Twitter, the 16-year-old said, “Pretty cool!” – Jimmy Fallon

During a phone call with the Irish prime minister yesterday, President Trump reportedly told an Irish journalist in the Oval Office that she had “a nice smile on her face.” Then he said, “Wait, now it’s gone.” – Seth Meyers

Some parents are planning to boycott Disney World’s Hall of Presidents now that it features Trump. Or as their kids put it, “Oh, no. Guess we’ll just have to do Splash Mountain again.” – Jimmy Fallon

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that voting on the [healthcare] bill would be delayed until after the Fourth of July. It’s a smart move. You don’t want to strip people of healthcare until after the holiday that mixes booze and explosives. – Stephen Colbert

I saw yesterday Republican senators took coach buses to the White House to meet with Trump about healthcare. You could tell which senators actually read the bill, ‘cuz they were the ones buckling their seat belts. – Jimmy Fallon

According to the Times, Trump failed to sway Senate Republicans who didn’t support the bill. His top aides didn’t lobby for it, and one Republican senator said the president did not have a grasp of some basic elements of the Senate plan. – Stephen Colbert

According to new research, a press-on patch for the flu vaccine works just as well as the flu shot. You just remove the adhesive backing and place it firmly over your co-worker’s mouth. – Seth Meyers

If you haven’t heard, there’s been another global cyber-attack. This time, hackers unleashed a virus called GoldenEye, which you may remember as the name of Pierce Brosnan’s first James Bond film. Which means it’s a pretty good virus, but your dad still thinks Sean Connery’s malware was better. – Stephen Colbert

The other day, a man in Minnesota got arrested, and handed the officer a Monopoly “Get out of jail free” card. Then when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, “You won a beauty contest.” – Jimmy Fallon

Spirit Airlines recently gave a family 21 years of free travel after a mother went into labor and gave birth mid-flight. Though they probably should have given those free flights to the guy sitting next to her. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Jun 27, 2017]

Republicans, who were already nervous, ran for the exits after the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office announced yesterday that under the GOP plan, 22 million people would lose their health coverage. That’s a big number. To put that number into perspective, if you laid 22 million people end to end, it would reach Canada, where they could get healthcare. – Stephen Colbert

It came out yesterday that under the Republican healthcare plan, 22 million people will lose their health insurance over the next decade. 22 million! Or as Trump put it, “Wow — that’s like, half my Inauguration crowd!” – Jimmy Fallon

You remember how the Republicans have been promising to repeal and replace Obamacare for seven years now? Yeah. It’s their most consistent message other than “Turn down that hip-hop racket, you kids!” – Stephen Colbert

President Trump invited all Republican senators to the White House today for a meeting about healthcare. I guess he turned to each of them and said, “You have five seconds to explain it to me, GO!” – Jimmy Fallon

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has promised he will pass Trumpcare before the July 4 recess. And he has got to, because McConnell knows if they don’t pass it now, there’s a serious danger someone might read it. – Stephen Colbert

Disneyworld’s Hall of Presidents, which has been closed since January in order to add a new President Trump robot, has reportedly pushed its reopening to the fall. “Bummer!” said literally not one child. – Seth Meyers

I saw that Canada is restoring a historic brothel that was owned by Trump’s grandfather in 1897. They’re even putting a plaque out front that says: “The Trumps: Screwing People Since 1897.” – Jimmy Fallon

The White House today formally nominated Christopher Wray to be the next director of the FBI. Aaaand… he’s been fired. – Seth Meyers

Today, a giant cyberattack hit computer systems in Russia. In a related story, Hillary Clinton just had a GREAT week at computer camp. – Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, former Georgia congressional candidate John Ossoff said his near-victory for the Democrats last week shows that President Trump and chief strategist Steve Bannon “should be sweating in 2018.” Um, have you seen those guys lately? They probably sweat getting out of bed. – Seth Meyers

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said in an interview yesterday, “I laugh at least once every day. Otherwise I cannot do this job.” Once every day? I would have guessed “once, period.” – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Jun 26, 2017]

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin got married this weekend for the third time, and the wedding was officiated by Vice President Mike Pence. Because if there’s one thing Mike Pence stands for, it’s the sanctity of a third marriage. – Seth Meyers

This weekend, Mike Pence officiated the wedding of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. Pence said, “You may now kiss the bride.” Then he was like, “Not you, Mr. President.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump and his wife Melania this weekend attended the wedding of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. When asked if she cries at weddings, Melania said, “Just the one.” – Seth Meyers

Yesterday, President Trump said that Obama copied him by calling the Republican healthcare bill “Mean.” And then Obama said Trump copied him by spending the last six months doing nothing. – Jimmy Fallon

Actually, though, Obama is taking some heat right now, because it came out that two senators tried to warn him that Russia was trying to hack the election and he ignored them. Trump promises that if he ever gets top secret information about Russia, he’ll do the responsible thing and tweet it. – Jimmy Fallon

In an interview today, Ivanka Trump graded her father’s presidency as an “A.” Though if you want an honest assessment maybe ask someone who’s not in the will. Like Eric. – Seth Meyers

Nancy Pelosi was talking about her first meeting with Trump and she said that he served pigs in a blanket and kosher meatballs. It’s good to know that even the president has a bunch of food from Costco that he is trying to get rid of. – Jimmy Fallon

Two Florida men reportedly abandoned their car last week after crashing into a Dorito’s truck, which sounds like the perfect case for CHiPs. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Jun 22, 2017]

This morning Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell showed us a draft of his top-secret new healthcare legislation. They opened the vault, they laid the bill out on a table, rubbed lemon juice all over it, and the text magically appeared for all to see. And wouldn’t you know it, the bill includes a big tax cut for rich people. – Jimmy Kimmel

The Senate healthcare bill came out today, and it would cut a tax on indoor tanning. Which is the biggest proof so far that Trump was actually working on the bill. – Jimmy Fallon

They’re calling the plan “Bettercare,” as in: Just imagine how much better this plan would be if the people who wrote it cared. – Jimmy Kimmel

We have Ray Romano on the show tonight. He stars in the new movie “The Big Sick,” which is also the name of the Republican healthcare bill. – Jimmy Fallon

It slashes Medicaid, which could negatively affect millions of poor and elderly people. But here’s the thing, it won’t happen until 2024. It’s gradual. Which makes you wonder: Why 2024? What is the significance of that? Will we all be in those pods from “The Matrix” by then, we won’t need healthcare? – Jimmy Kimmel

Senate Republicans today released a draft of their bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, which would cut taxes for richer Americans and insurance companies, and defund Planned Parenthood for one year. The bill is so bad, President Trump said, “Does anyone have any questions for me about Russia? – Seth Meyers

Alternatively, I could show you my tax returns. Do you guys want to see that?” – Seth Meyers

Yesterday, White House officials said Russia targeted election systems in 21 states last year. Trump was furious. He said, “I paid for all 50.” – Jimmy Fallon

You remember a month ago Donald Trump tweeted: “James Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press.” Well, guess what, today Trump tweeted, “I have no idea whether there are ‘tapes’ or recordings of my conversations with James Comey. But I did not make and do not have any such recordings.” He’s now fact-checking himself! – James Corden

Today, Trump tweeted that he doesn’t have recordings of his conversations with former FBI Director James Comey. He doesn’t have them. Then one guy said [Russian accent], “Don’t worry, you can borrow ours.” – Jimmy Fallon

Of course Trump doesn’t have a tape. Secretly taping someone would require thinking ahead — and show me one time that this president has done that. – James Corden

But yeah, it turns out Trump didn’t record Comey, there are no tapes. The main reason for this is that people haven’t used tapes since 1992. – James Corden

President Trump and the first lady hosted the congressional picnic today on the south lawn of the White House, or as Eric was told, “the north lawn.” – Seth Meyers

At a rally in Iowa last night, Trump unveiled a new plan for his long-proposed border wall [clip of Trump]: “We’re thinking about building the wall as a solar wall so it creates energy and pays for itself.” A solar wall. Now he’s literally blowing sunshine up our [butts]. – James Corden

Following losses in two special congressional elections this week, one Democratic staffer reportedly said, “We have 80-year-old leaders and 90-year-old ranking members. This isn’t a party, it’s a giant assisted living center.” Even worse, the reporter then asked about the upcoming G7 summit, and several people yelled “Bingo!” – Seth Meyers
NASA reports that it had a record 18,000 applicants to be astronauts. And apparently 1,000 more apply every time President Trump tweets. – Conan O’Brien

A Muslim model has become the first woman to appear in a hijab on the cover of Allure magazine. She also appears in a fashion spread entitled, “10 Hot Looks for When You’re Detained at the Airport.” – Conan O’Brien

A new survey revealed that the average time a heterosexual couple has sex is 19 minutes. In my case, that’s two minutes for sex and 17 minutes for apologizing. – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from Jun 21, 2017]

Today is the summer solstice, which is the longest day of the year. Or as the White House calls that, “every day”. – Jimmy Fallon

Today was the longest day of the year … says Sean Spicer every day. – Seth Meyers

Today, hundreds of people did yoga in Times Square to celebrate the first day of summer. At least, I THINK that’s why Times Square Elmo was lying face-down. – Jimmy Fallon

There was a special election in Georgia last night to fill a vacant congressional seat and Republican Karen Handel defeated the Democrat Jon Ossoff. Now, I have a question about the American political process. When is there NOT an election? There is ALWAYS an election here. You LOVE elections. The only thing you love more than elections is moaning about the outcome of elections. – James Corden

The Republican won the election and she did it the old-fashioned way, without the help of any Russians. – James Corden

Following two special election losses for the Democratic Party yesterday, one Democratic congressman said, quote, “Our brand is worse than Trump.” “Hey, that’s our slogan!” said United Airlines. – Seth Meyers

Experts say the Republican victory in Georgia shows that Americans may not be as dissatisfied with Trump as, let’s say, Melania is. – James Corden

President Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is in the Middle East to broker a historic peace between Israel and the Palestinians. Kushner thinks real progress will start once both sides stop laughing. – Conan O’Brien

Mitch McConnell wants to force a Senate vote on healthcare before July 4, because if there’s one day you want to take away people’s healthcare, it’s the day when they get drunk and set off fireworks. – Jimmy Fallon

In Israel, a court ruled that a religious man cannot force a woman to move seats on an airplane just because he’s afraid of having accidental physical contact with her. It was the landmark case of Israel vs. Mike Pence. – Conan O’Brien

Now here’s some news from my home country. In her latest speech her majesty the queen did not mention Donald Trump’s state visit to the U.K., leading some to speculate that it may have been canceled. So apparently two can play this whole travel ban game. – James Corden

The Supreme Court just ruled that it is now legal for sex offenders to use social media. When asked to explain the decision, the justices said, “Sex offenders on the internet — what’s the worst that could happen?” – Conan O’Brien

A child development expert has sued Disney for stealing her idea for the movie “Inside Out.” Disney called the suit ridiculous, then announced their next movie about a child development expert who sues Disney for stealing her idea. – Jimmy Fallon

The reality show “Bachelor in Paradise” has been cleared of the assault charges and it’s going to resume filming. The news was celebrated today by ABC, the contestants, and the chlamydia virus. – Conan O’Brien

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! – Seth Meyers