Political Irony

[Jokes from Jul 24, 2017]

Big news out of Washington on Friday – White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer officially resigned. That’s right, Spicer said that all the greats always know when to leave on top. – Jimmy Fallon

On Friday, Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary. He wanted to spend more time not answering his family’s questions. – Stephen Colbert

Well, it’s the end of an era. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned from his post on Friday. And just for old time’s sake, he denied it. – Seth Meyers

Spicer quit on Friday because Trump appointed a new communications director, former hedge fund manager and lawyer Anthony Scaramucci. Of course, when it comes to Scaramucci, there’s only one question everybody’s asking: [Queen “Bohemian Rhapsody” clip] “Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the fandango?” – Stephen Colbert

Over the weekend, new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci deleted a bunch of old tweets that were critical of Trump’s platform. Trump was shocked — he said, “You can delete tweets??” – Jimmy Fallon

Not only did Sean Spicer resign over “the Mooch’s” hiring, but a White House insider says, “This was a murdering of Reince and Bannon. They said Anthony would get this job over their dead bodies.” That’s terrible. Before this, those guys were only dead on the inside. – Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump went on a Twitter rampage this morning criticizing everyone from Hillary Clinton to congress to his own attorney general, Jeff Sessions, who he appointed. In one tweet he suggested that the phrase “drain the swamp” should be updated to “drain the sewer,” which would make sense if a sewer wasn’t already a drain. We need to sweep up the brooms! – James Corden

According to reports, President Trump is so unhappy with Attorney General Jeff Sessions that he is considering replacing him with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. That’s like being so unhappy with your wife that you’re considering replacing her with Rudy Giuliani. – Seth Meyers

This morning Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, testified in front of a Senate Intelligence Committee and insisted that he did not collude with Russia. Before appearing in front of the committee, Kushner released an 11-page statement denying that he colluded with the Russians. Now look, I’m not an intelligence expert, but if you need 11 pages to explain yourself, you so colluded. It’s a totes collude. – James Corden

Kid Rock today further fueled speculation that he will officially run for Senate by tweeting a poll showing he would lead a hypothetical election against a Democratic senator. Even worse — his music. – Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel’s Shark Week made a huge deal about a race between Michael Phelps and a great white shark and they were talking it up all week. Well, people on Twitter were very disappointed that they used CGI and Phelps wasn’t actually racing alongside a great white shark. What do people expect? You can’t get a shark to have a race on command. It’s a shark. – James Corden

Who watched the shark thing? It was amazing. It wasn’t real, but it was amazing. But I like a little break from reality right about now. ’Cause have you seen reality? It’s scary. There’s blood in the water, and there are a lot of sharks circling the White House. – Stephen Colbert

I saw that WebMD is being sold for $2.8 billion. The owner said he was just getting tired — but WebMD says it could either be gout, polio, or scurvy. – Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, WebMD is being sold. No word on who bought it, but let’s just say the Republicans finally found a replacement for Obamacare. – Jimmy Fallon

A Texas coffee company is recalling one of its roasts after male customers reported a “Viagra-like effect.” Wives are calling it the worst part of waking up. – Seth Meyers

Today is National Cousins Day. And if you’re from West Virginia, happy anniversary! – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from Jul 20, 2017]

President Trump said in a new interview that he had regrets about appointing Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Sessions said today that he will continue to serve as long as it is appropriate. So only until about 1955. – Seth Meyers

The identities of the people who attended the meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and the Russians keep coming out. It’s making some people in Washington very nervous. So they’re actually coming forward with their alibis to just prove that they weren’t there. For example, Chris Christie said, “I was busy shutting down Coney Island so I could ride The Cyclone by myself.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump said yesterday that he went to speak with Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit dinner because he was seated next to the wife of Japanese Prime Minister Abe, who spoke no English. Which means they had at least one thing in common. – Seth Meyers

The other big story is this interview President Trump did with The New York Times. And the paper said that he made several false claims. And Trump was like, “But you chose to print them, so once again, fake news.” – Jimmy Fallon

As you probably heard by now, this afternoon the Nevada State Parole Board unanimously voted to grant O.J. parole. He served nine years for armed robbery. O.J. Simpson, for those of you too young to remember, is the second most embarrassing person associated with the Kardashian family. Right after Scott Disick. – Jimmy Kimmel

A number of cable networks including ESPN broadcast the hearing live, which wasn’t a surprise. You know, O.J. Simpson has been on TV longer than Homer Simpson. So he’s a big draw. – Jimmy Kimmel

If any of you call an Uber any time soon, you might want to make sure it’s not a white Ford Bronco. I’m just saying. That’s right, O.J. Simpson was officially granted parole today and could be out of jail by October. When asked what he plans to do first, he said, “Well, catch up on all the shows about O.J.” – Jimmy Fallon

He could be released by Oct. 1, on which date he’ll be picked up at the Lovelock Correctional Facility via helicopter and flown directly to the set of “Dancing with the Stars.” Or “Bachelor in Paradise.” Whichever one’s in production. – Jimmy Kimmel

A lot of people didn’t know how to feel about the news. On one hand, O.J. is a convicted felon. On the other hand, he managed to keep Trump off TV for a whole afternoon. So it’s kind of a community service. – Jimmy Fallon

The creators of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” announced they are developing a new show that imagines what it would be like if the Confederacy successfully seceded from the United States. Well, give it a couple years and it might be a documentary. – Seth Meyers

Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Jul 18, 2017]

I have some sad news tonight. As of 10:48 p.m. eastern last night, the GOP healthcare bill was pronounced dead of terminal sucking. – Stephen Colbert

The Republican bill to repeal and replace Obamacare has officially fallen apart. But Republicans say they’re just going to let Obamacare fail while they regroup and figure out a new plan. And Democrats said, “Hey, that’s the same thing we’re doing with Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

I’m heart broken, too. You cover the pain. It was always a longshot because the Republicans control only all three branches of government. Can’t be expected to do everything. – Stephen Colbert

Republicans announced last night that the latest GOP healthcare plan will not be moving forward, making this the second draft of the bill to fail in the Senate. Though when it comes to President Trump, the third time’s the charm. – Seth Meyers

Following news that the Senate healthcare plan will not pass, President Trump said that it is important to get more Republicans into office. More? Pretty sure when the “Titanic” was sinking, the answer wasn’t more icebergs. – Seth Meyers

It is hard to overstate the level of failure here. The GOP crushed their car at 90 miles an hour into a cliff with a grin on their face. – Stephen Colbert

According to Politico, the news that two additional Republican senators were not supporting the GOP healthcare plan came as a surprise to President Trump, and if there’s one thing President Trump hates, it’s Eric. – Seth Meyers

At a dinner last night, President Trump told Republican senators that if they didn’t vote for the healthcare bill, they’d look like dopes. And he combed his neck hair over the top of his head and walked away with his tie dragging on the floor. – Jimmy Fallon

After the failure of the GOP healthcare plan, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell outlined plans to repeal Obamacare without a bill to replace it. The same way we got rid of Obama without a good plan to replace him [picture of Donald Trump]. – Seth Meyers

It’s like if Batman vs. Superman took a Pontiac Aztec to Blockbuster Video to rent “The Lone Ranger” and watch it on laser disc. That’s how badly they failed. – Stephen Colbert

Trump had dinner with Republican senators at the White House. They were served steak and lima beans. And Trump wasn’t allowed to leave the table until he finished all of his lima beans. The president was seen scraping them onto the floor. “Do we have a dog?” – Jimmy Fallon

Trump jokes about wanting to be on Mt. Rushmore. Mt. Rushmore responds:

[Jokes from Jul 17, 2017]

Donald Trump Jr. has admitted to holding an undisclosed meeting before the election with a Russian lawyer and a Russian lobbyist who reportedly once worked for the KGB. And the hardest part to believe is there was a Donald Trump dumb enough to do that [shows photo of President Trump] and it wasn’t this one. – Seth Meyers

Meanwhile, back in the United States — Russia. Folks, things are not looking good for the president’s son Donald Trump, Jr. because of a meeting he took last year with Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya. And now we’ve learned that there was another Russian at that meeting, Russian lobbyist Rinat Akhmetshin. Funny detail — he’s reportedly a former Soviet counterintelligence officer. Of course, when it comes to Don Jr., there’s not much intelligence to counter. – Stephen Colbert

Did you see that last week Trump’s son, Don Jr., tweeted screenshots of emails from the Russian lawyer who offered sensitive info to his dad’s campaign? When he heard that his son tweeted about an ongoing investigation, Trump was like, “The student has become the master.” – Jimmy Fallon

It’s Russia Week, and I just want to get out ahead of the story here. I recently met with a lot of Russians. I can’t remember why, maybe because I was in Russia. Oh, some of them worked for the government. This week, we’ll be showing you one Russian field piece. Sorry, I meant to say two Russian field — my lawyers are telling me five Russian field pieces. – Stephen Colbert

I didn’t think you’d find out. The whole week was supposed to be a secret but someone leaked it to CBS’s marketing department. I didn’t. Anyway, Russia’s coming up later in the show. – Stephen Colbert

Over the weekend, it came out that President Trump’s approval rating is at 36 percent. But Trump defended the number, saying that it was “almost 40.” Then he said, “And if you read 36 upside down, it looks like 93, which is almost 100. So I’m doing amazing. Almost 100 in Upside Down world.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump attended the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Tournament this weekend, so just to be safe, the golfers got changed in their cars. – Seth Meyers

Senate Republicans are trying to add a provision to their healthcare bill that would allow companies to offer low-cost reduced-coverage plans, which critics are calling junk insurance. “I’ll take some junk insurance,” said dudes who wear really tight biking shorts. You can never be too safe with the junk. – Seth Meyers

Last night was the season premiere of “Game of Thrones.” No spoilers! But HBO’s streaming site crashed during the episode. That’s how crazy this show has gotten: They are killing off websites now. – Jimmy Fallon

More trouble for United Airlines. The rapper Schoolboy Q says that they actually flew his dog to the wrong city. Then on the flight back, the dog had a fight over a seat with Ann Coulter. – Jimmy Fallon

China reportedly scrubbed the images of Winnie the Pooh from social media over the weekend, after users compared the character to their president. Though it seems like it would just be easier to just get their president to put some pants on. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Jul 13, 2017]

On the way to Paris the president had some off-the-record conversations with reporters on Air Force One, and then he decided he wanted some of what he said to be ON the record. So Trump told reporters last night that the wall — you know that wall Mexico’s going to pay for, very nice of them to do? — he wants the wall to be see-through. For real! – Jimmy Kimmel

He said, and this is a quote, “One of the things with the wall is you need transparency.” And they asked why. He said, “I’ll give you an example. As horrible as it sounds, when they throw the sacks of drugs over the wall, if you have people on the other side who don’t see them, they hit you on the head with 60 pounds of stuff and it’s over. You’re dead.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Our president is worried that people are going to get hit on the head with drugs and die. So he wants a wall you can see through. It’s unbelievable. He’s turning the country into an aquarium! We are all going to be living in SeaWorld with President Shamu if he gets his way. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump and the first lady arrived in Paris today at the invitation of French President Emmanuel Macron. [shows clip of greeting] Last time they had a handshake it lasted longer than, like, two of Trump’s marriages, so all eyes were on this one. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today, Trump met with France’s elegant first lady Brigitte Macron and of course he treated her like any other woman, by objectifying her. [clip of Trump] “You’re in such good shape… Beautiful.” Bad Donald! No! Bad! This is not one of your European wife’s shopping trips. This is business. – Stephen Colbert

There was one uncomfortable moment later on. President Macron’s wife, Brigitte, is 25 years older than he is. He’s 39. She’s 64. Which you know has to be making Trump’s crazy orange head spin. For him that’s about as backwards as it gets. This is what he said to her: “You’re in such good shape. She’s in such good physical shape. Beautiful.” It’s like she’s a ’65 Chevy convertible he’s admiring. Only Donald Trump would treat a meeting with world leader likes it’s a swingers’ key party. – Jimmy Kimmel

Then Trump held a joint press conference with newly elected French President Emmanuel Macron. Trump invoked America’s long history with France: [clip of Trump] “France helped us secure our Independence. A lot of people forget. France is America’s first and oldest ally, a lot of people don’t know that.” Nope, just you. WE know. Gave us the Statue of Liberty too, remember that? – Stephen Colbert

Before he left, the president, who’s been notoriously stingy with on-camera interviews lately, sat down with the 700-year-old host of “The 700 Club,” Pat Robertson. This is a religious television show. And Donald Trump is a very religious guy. [clip of Robertson responding “yeah,” “that’s right” several times as Trump speaks] So they got along just great. – Jimmy Kimmel

Of course Trump got asked about the biggest story in France — his son’s collusion with Russia. [clip of Trump] “He took a meeting with a Russian lawyer, not a government lawyer, but a Russian lawyer. It was a short meeting. It was a meeting that went very, very quickly, very fast.” Welcome to Trump’s America, where morality is measured by speed. Because it was over quickly, it wasn’t wrong! It’s like a five-second rule for your soul. – Stephen Colbert

Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan is calling for stronger sanctions against Russia for its election meddling. Ryan said, “We must keep Russia out of our elections until we need them again in 2018.” – Conan O’Brien

The new Republican healthcare bill is out, and the bad news is, older people still pay more than younger people. Of course the good news is, they don’t pay more for long. – Conan O’Brien

Kid Rock has officially announced his candidacy for the U.S. Senate. Kid Rock says he wants to restore America back to a better time when it would have been unimaginable for Kid Rock to run for the U.S. Senate. – Conan O’Brien

A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” just joined SEAL Team 6. – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from Jul 12, 2017]

Yesterday, Donald Trump Jr. released emails explicitly detailing an invitation by the Russian government to collude, and his enthusiastic acceptance, quote: “I love it.” Oh Don, not as much as I do. Delicious. – Stephen Colbert

According to friends of Donald Trump Jr., back in college he was a black-out drunk. So, he does have a long history of meeting with White Russians. – Conan O’Brien

I guess Don Jr.’s goal was to put a positive spin on this meeting with the Russian who believed or hoped had damaging information on Hillary Clinton during the campaign, but he still doesn’t seem to understand what’s wrong with what he did. What’s he supposed to do? I mean, when like a Nigerian prince says he’s going to transfer $30 million in your account, you give him the number to your account — unless you’re some kind of an idiot. – Jimmy Kimmel

We have had a full news cycle to give you a sense of the fallout. Let me present you with a bouquet of early blooming headlines: “The White House is paralyzed.” And I’m pretty sure Trumpcare does not cover that. – Stephen Colbert

Those were The Washington Post and CNN. How about hearing from someone on THEIR side, try The New York Post: “Donald Trump Jr. is an idiot.” Yes? Yes. – Stephen Colbert

Keep in mind, they’re DEFENDING him. Because the alternative to “idiot” is “inmate.” And it’s hard to argue that point — Donald Trump Jr. is quickly rising to the ranks of America’s most embarrassing Donald Trumps. – Stephen Colbert

It was reported today that Donald Trump Jr.’s wife once dated Leonardo DiCaprio. In other words, she’s used to being with guys who go down with a sinking ship. – Conan O’Brien

Hey, President Trump began the day with a tweet apparently. He has a Twitter account. Did you know this? – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is “open, transparent, and innocent”. Unfortunately those are three things you don’t want to be when you go to prison. – Conan O’Brien

Today President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is “open, transparent, and innocent”. Which is why President Trump is now demanding a paternity test. – Conan O’Brien

One thing President Trump definitely did watch was his son Junior’s interview with Sean Hannity last night on Fox News. Trump said his son was “open, transparent, and innocent.” That’s three lies in four words. That’s a new record! – Jimmy Kimmel

It’s being reported that President Trump is bothered that people think he watches too much television. Trump claims he saw it mentioned today on “The View,” “The Today Show,” CNN, “Live with Kelly and Ryan,” and “Clifford the Big Red Dog.” – Conan O’Brien

This morning he tweeted just out of the blue, “The White House is functioning perfectly, focused on healthcare, tax cuts, reform and many other things. I have very little time for watching TV.” Why would he specifically mention that he doesn’t have time for TV? I think I know why. Yesterday there was a report that he was holed up all day watching TV while the whole thing with his son was going on. I bet he saw that on TV. – Jimmy Kimmel

And meanwhile, of course, the White House defending Don Jr. One official said, “He just wants to hunt, fish and run his family’s real estate business.” Yes, why did we force him to get into politics? – Stephen Colbert