Political Irony

[Jokes from Aug 3, 2017]

A transcript from President Trump’s phone call with the Australian prime minister was just leaked and at one point, Trump referred to U.S. dairy farmers as local milk people. Even worse, he referred to cows as spotted milk horses. – Jimmy Fallon

Do you guys remember the beginning of the Trump administration? You’ll recall that in the first week, back when we were giving him a chance, Trump was calling all the world leaders, you know, getting to know them. “Hi, hello? Hi. My name is Donald. I like to eat steak. What are you wearing? Hello? Hello?” – Stephen Colbert

Trump is also being criticized for his conversation with the president of Mexico, where he called New Hampshire “a drug-infested den.” New Hampshire says it’s furious, while Colorado says it has to find a new nickname. – Jimmy Fallon

Two of the calls were with the president of Mexico and the prime minister of Australia. Rumor is, the calls did not go well. First, Trump talked to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and when he got off the phone, said basically, “Great news, they’re paying for the wall.” But Peña Nieto said, “Que estas hablando/what you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” – Stephen Colbert

The Wall Street Journal is reporting Robert Mueller, the special counsel investigating Russia’s interference in the 2016 election, has impaneled a grand jury. I’m going to say something nobody has ever said before: “God, I wish I had jury duty!” – Stephen Colbert

But really, how are they ever going to find unbiased people to serve on this jury? “Ma’am, have you ever heard of a man by the name of Donald Trump?” “No, Father never mentioned him in our cave-dwelling cult.” – Stephen Colbert

Trump was actually busted for saying that a bunch of people called to compliment him this week, when they hadn’t. When asked about it today, Trump said, “I can’t talk now, I’m on the phone with the governor of Narnia.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is about to go on vacation. He’s off for two blissful weeks on the Island of Covfefe. – Jimmy Kimmel

According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn’t sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of “I Survived”. – Seth Meyers

I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band. – Seth Meyers

He’s going to his Trump golf resort in New Jersey. Some people are angry he’s taking vacation for two weeks. I think it is a good thing. I mean, we’ll still have a country for two more weeks. – Jimmy Kimmel

That’s more days than Chris Christie has spent in New Jersey. – Seth Meyers

Before he slips into those size 46 Van Heusen golf pants, the president made a stop in West Virginia to pound his chest for a large crowd of enthusiastic supporters. Earlier today, he teased that he would be making a big announcement. He doesn’t just make an announcement. First he announces he’s going to make an announcement. Then the announcement gets announced. – Jimmy Kimmel

So the big announcement they were all excited about was that the governor of West Virginia, Jim Justice, was switching parties from Democrat to Republican. And he has a lot in common with the president. They’re both former Democrats who switched parties because they love Donald Trump. So now they’re on the same team. – Jimmy Kimmel

According to The Hollywood Reporter, President Trump was being considered for the role of president in the 2015 TV movie “Sharknado 3,” and was upset when the job was given to someone else, and then even more upset [shows photo of Hillary on movie poster] when he found out who got it. – Seth Meyers

Trump is trying to impress his new chief of staff, John Kelly, by listing a lot of facts during meetings. They’re all Snapple facts, but still. “Cats have 100 vocal cords.” “Made from the best stuff on Earth.” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from Aug 2, 2017]

This morning, President Trump announced a new immigration plan that will favor people who speak English. Which is why tonight, he had to deport himself. “I am BIGLY, BIGLY sad!” – Jimmy Fallon

Basically Donald Trump wants to create what he calls a merit-based system that awards points to green card applicants based on such factors as English ability. Yes, immigrants have to learn proper English like “bigly” and “covfefe.” – Stephen Colbert

I am really glad my family got here in 1828. Because Donald Trump just pulled up the immigration ladder behind us. Today the administration announced a harsh new immigration bill. Now, don’t you dare say that he’s just cruelly targeting illegal immigrants, because the bill wants to reduce LEGAL immigration by 50 percent. “Melania, honey, I got some tough news, only 50 percent of your parents can come to Thanksgiving. I say your mom. She’s in great physical shape.” – Stephen Colbert

Now, the bill sounds bad, but they gave it a catchy name: the Reforming American Immigration for Strong Employment (RAISE) Act. Yes, the RAISE Act. Much better marketing than the original name: Reforming American Citizenship Is Super Tough. – Stephen Colbert

It was a busy day for Trump. He also signed off on new sanctions against Russia for interfering with our election — and a source says that he talked to Vladimir Putin on the phone right before. When people said that was inappropriate, Trump said, “I agree — I wanted to FaceTime!” – Jimmy Fallon

Before heading out of town today, President Trump signed a number of sanctions against Russia. They passed with an overwhelming majority in the House, so Trump had to sign it. Vladimir Putin is not happy. In fact, he changed their relationship status on Facebook today to “It’s complicated”. – Seth Meyers

A new Quinnipiac poll found that 33 percent of people approve of the job President Trump is doing. Unfortunately, they’re all under investigation. – Seth Meyers

The president’s approval rating has dropped to a new low. This is a newer low than the last new low. It is down to 33 percent today, which I think is lower than the “Emoji Movie”. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel. – Jimmy Kimmel

This past week, a signed sketch of the Manhattan skyline drawn by Donald Trump in 2005 was bought at auction for nearly $30,000. Bidding started at $9,000 and went all the way up to $30,000. Making this Trump’s only venture to ever turn a profit. – James Corden

Let’s be honest, it’s not a great drawing. I’d normally say “Keep your day job,” but I don’t want that either. – James Corden

Did you hear what Trump said about living in the White House? According to Golf magazine, of all places, the president told a group of members at his club in New Jersey the White House is a real dump. A White House spokesperson today denied the president said that, so it’s true. – Jimmy Kimmel

To be fair, Donald Trump thinks any building that doesn’t have his name on it is a dump. – Jimmy Kimmel

The president is in an absolute tailspin. His approval rating is in the basement. And, he’s living in a dump. – Jimmy Kimmel

Scientists just discovered that millions of years ago, flowers had both male and female parts. As a result, President Trump has banned those flowers from serving in the military. – Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow the president is leaving for a two-week vacation to his beloved Bedminster golf club in New Jersey. Finally, he’ll get time to play some golf. – Jimmy Kimmel

Elon Musk recently announced that the government has approved a plan for something called a “Hyperloop” that will transport people between New York and D.C. in just 29 minutes. “Hyperloop?” I don’t know how much I trust [that as] public transportation. That sounds like it should be a ride at Six Flags. – James Corden

Apparently this thing shoots people through a tube at 700 miles an hour! And, when you arrive in New York it drops you straight off at Macy’s so you can buy a clean pair of underwear. – James Corden

It can get you out of Washington, D.C., and into New York City in 29 minutes. Or, as Melania Trump calls it, not fast enough. – James Corden

A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin, and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face. – Jimmy Fallon

“The Today Show” just featured a group of moms in California who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, “Oh crap, the kids!” – Jimmy Fallon

The dating app Tinder recently paid a woman’s flight change fee after she missed her flight because she was on a great Tinder date. That’s how rare great Tinder dates are. If you have one, you win a free trip. – James Corden

Hospitals in Chicago have seen the number of baby deliveries double this month. Which would be remarkable, until you realize that’s exactly nine months after the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. – James Corden

According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself? – Seth Meyers

A pair of New England Patriots players were kicked out of practice this week after getting into a fight during drills. Wow, even the New England Patriots hate the New England Patriots. – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Aug 1, 2017[

People are still talking about Anthony Scaramucci — he lasted just six days, making him the shortest-serving White House communications director ever. But don’t feel bad — publishers have offered him a lot of money to write a tell-all pamphlet about the experience. – Jimmy Fallon

According to NBC, Ivanka and first lady Melania Trump were disgusted by Scaramucci’s crude comments to The New Yorker. They say they absolutely will not tolerate that kind of language from someone whose will they are not in. – Seth Meyers

Trump is apparently looking for a less prominent position for Scaramucci that wouldn’t require him to be seen very often. Then Scaramucci said, “You want me to be first lady?” – Jimmy Fallon

White House officials yesterday said they hope to have a bill on tax reform sent to President Trump before December. December? Do you know how much time could happen between now and December? That’s 12 Scaramuccis from now. – Seth Meyers

It’s been a rough week for Scaramucci. In fact, I saw that in the latest alumni directory for Harvard Law School, he was mistakenly listed as dead. It’s nothing personal, that’s just what happens at Harvard if you don’t donate any money. – Jimmy Fallon

Two weeks ago, I had never heard of Anthony Scaramucci. Now, I’ve got to make an appointment to have the tattoo lasered off. – Stephen Colbert

After President Trump removed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci yesterday, he tweeted, “A great day at the White House.” Coincidentally, a great day at the White House is the average length of employment there. – Seth Meyers

Yesterday was White House Chief of Staff John Kelly’s first day on the job. But it got awkward when he showed up and said, “Why are you writing my name on the door in dry erase marker?” – Jimmy Fallon

Things are completely different since the president appointed a new chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. Rumor is Kelly got the job after he stood up to Trump, when raised voices could be heard through the thick door to the Oval Office. It was seen as an early indication that Kelly was not afraid to stand up to his commander in chief. No surprise. Trump respects people who don’t suck up to him, starting … yesterday. – Stephen Colbert

For Donald Trump it’s been a rough couple of … his entire presidency. The chaos coming out of the White House is just coming at you so fast. It’s hard to keep track of it. – Stephen Colbert

We have the Olympics in 2028. Only 11 more years, and then volleyball! I feel like between climate change and Kim Jong Un it’s optimistic to think we’ll still have a Los Angeles in 2028. – Jimmy Kimmel

The slogan for the Olympics is “Follow the Sun,” which is great advice if you want people walking directly into the ocean. – Jimmy Kimmel

I’m excited about the Olympics being here, but I hope they really go for it. I’m going to start a movement to try to get them to let Snoop Dogg light the torch with a big red, white, and blue blunt. Have an L.A. Olympics! – Jimmy Kimmel

Do you guys know that song “Despacito?” Well, the government of Malaysia has banned the song from radio and TV in that country for having obscene lyrics. They could be right. I’ve heard this song 2,000 times and I still have no idea what it’s about. – James Corden

In Malaysia, the government bans obscene content. Here, the president tweets it. – James Corden

On the bright side, it’s now possible to go an entire day without hearing “Despacito”. You just have to move to Malaysia. – James Corden

A five-year-old girl who ran a lemonade stand in London was fined $195 for not having the proper trading permit. See, this is why I make my kids open all their lemonade stands offshore on the Cayman Islands. – James Corden

A couple recently got married on a roller coaster at a Massachusetts amusement park while their wedding guests were on the ride with them. And this is cool — the reception was open barf. – Seth Meyers

Utility workers here in New York City retrieved a woman’s wedding ring that she dropped down a sewer. While the rat handing it back was like, “Always a bridesmaid!…” – Jimmy Fallon

A new article has been published ranking New York City’s best public restrooms. So congratulations yet again to … the subway! – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Jul 31, 2017]

Today, President Trump officially removed Anthony Scaramucci as his communications director. And this was a little awkward — when Scaramucci called an Uber to pick him up at the White House, Sean Spicer was driving. – Jimmy Fallon

The Mooch lasted as communications director for only 10 days. Yes, 10 days! That’s not even one whole pay period. His going-away party can serve what’s left of his welcome cake. – Stephen Colbert

The president has been very busy repealing and replacing his staff, most notably Anthony Scaramucci, the Mooch, who 10 days ago was named the White House communications director. Today he’s out of a job. – Jimmy Kimmel

Scaramucci lost his job after just 10 days, following an obscene interview with the New Yorker. You know it’s bad when you get fired after 10 days and everyone’s still like, “What took so long?” – Jimmy Fallon

Anthony Scaramucci, gone after just a week and change on the job! The Mooch is toast! The front-stabber has been back-stabbed. – Stephen Colbert

He’s out after 10 days. So Scaramucci is gone, but his cologne will linger forever. – Jimmy Fallon

He said he was going to fire everybody, and I’ve got to admit, he delivered. That’s thorough! – Stephen Colbert

And get this — Scaramucci’s official start date was supposed to be August 15. Or as Trump put it, “See? We’re setting so many records. He’s the first person to ever get fired BEFORE they even start working.” – Jimmy Fallon

It came out that Scaramucci actually missed the birth of his son last week because he was with Trump, so he texted his wife “Congratulations”. Trump was like, “You don’t text your wife after she has your baby — you tweet her!” – Jimmy Fallon

On Friday, Trump hired new White House chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. No surprise Trump picked a general. According to one source, “The kinds of people that Trump particularly likes are people with bucks: money, and braids: the military.” Yes, he likes people with bucks and braids. So if Kelly doesn’t work out, congratulations to our next chief of staff, Sparkle the show pony. – Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile, Donald Trump tweeted about Reince Priebus, who he fired. He wrote, “We accomplished a lot together, and I am proud of him.” That’s two lies in one sentence. – Jimmy Kimmel

Kelly is the polar opposite of Reince Priebus, the former chief of staff. Kelly is military, Priebus is a Washington insider. Kelly’s from Boston, Priebus is from Wisconsin. John Kelly has two first names, and Reince Priebus has no recognizable names at all. – Stephen Colbert

It will be easier for Reince Priebus to go into a souvenir shop and find a novelty license plate with his name on it than it will be to find a job after this. – Jimmy Kimmel

Sean Spicer’s out, Reince Priebus is out, Trumpcare is dead, and Kim Jong Un has a missile that can reach New York. And weirdly, I don’t feel tired from all the winning yet. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump is coming off his worst week since … his last worst week, which I think was the week before last week. – Jimmy Kimmel

A school district in Florida is eliminating homework for all school students this year. Yeah, no homework. It’s all part of Florida’s “make Florida Flori-duh again” campaign. – James Corden

Officials say it’s fine because a lot of students are already reading at a fifth grade level. Unfortunately a lot of those students are in 10th grade. – James Corden

The state of Colorado has determined that the tax revenue from the sale of legalized marijuana has now exceeded half a billion dollars. Colorado has so much extra money for marijuana it can now afford a cocaine habit. – James Corden

Unfortunately, they’ve already spent all of that money on Funyuns and Hot Pockets. – James Corden

You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it’s planning to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint. – James Corden

The other night I could have sworn I heard Roomba and Alexa talking about how much they could get for my flat screen. – James Corden

[Jokes from Jul 27, 2017]

“Dancing With the Stars” is reportedly trying to get former White House press secretary Sean Spicer to be a contestant, marking the first “Dancing With the Stars” contestant who’s hit rock bottom before going on the show. – Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci, made news for comparing Trump’s attempt to repeal Obamacare to Lincoln abolishing slavery. In a related story, Anthony Scaramucci is now expected to take Sean Spicer’s spot on “Dancing With the Stars.” – Jimmy Fallon

Spicer’s not the only one doing a reality show. On the next episode of “Undercover Boss”, Vladimir Putin is going to go work at the White House. “Hello. I’m a tour guide here. How are things at home?” – Jimmy Fallon

New White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci is on a real tear to stop leaks from the White House. We know this because someone in the White House leaked it. – James Corden

Scaramucci was livid last night after some of his financial information was leaked, so he went on Twitter and seemingly blamed chief of staff Reince Priebus for the leak, but then he deleted the tweet later, which is a great start for a communications director. – James Corden

Now I don’t know, Reince Priebus might be the leak, Scaramucci might be lying. Only one thing is certain, I can’t spell either of their names. – James Corden

A lot of news coming out of the White House, but strangely enough, Donald Trump isn’t the one making the news this time. I guess his meds are finally kicking in? – James Corden

First lady Melania Trump announced today that her first solo international trip will be to Toronto, Canada. The purpose of her trip hasn’t been announced. But I’m guessing sanctuary? – Seth Meyers

In a recent interview, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau revealed that the he watched clips from the popular TV show “The West Wing” to prepare for debates. While Donald Trump prepared for debates by watching “Friday the 13th”. – Seth Meyers

The publisher of Hillary Clinton’s upcoming memoir announced today that the title of her book will be the statement “What Happened”. Well, that’s the censored version. – Seth Meyers

The owner of a clown motel in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel is like any other motel, except it only has one parking spot. – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from Jul 26, 2017]

I began my day as I often do, by checking Donald Trump’s Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he’s off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel tweeting. What? What won’t you allow? Socks with sandals? Dancing? Please tell me it’s not alcohol. I needs my drank! – Stephen Colbert

Ten minutes later he told us what he won’t allow: “Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military.” – Stephen Colbert

Some big political news. Today President Trump went on Twitter and announced that he is banning transgender people from serving in the military. Trump said he understands this is a very sensitive issue, so he made sure to choose his emoji’s very carefully. – Jimmy Fallon

Today Donald Trump announced on Twitter that he wants to ban transgender soldiers from serving in the U.S. military. This is unusual. Usually when Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor’s note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam. – James Corden

This is what really stings — they are being rejected by a rich guy who during Vietnam sidestepped the draft with four deferments and a medical disqualification for bone spurs in his foot. – Stephen Colbert

Now this reverses a policy that Obama put in place last year. At this point, it just seems like Trump wants to do the opposite of everything Obama did. He is like, “Oh, Obama pardoned a turkey on Thanksgiving? Well I’m going to slaughter a turkey with a chainsaw on the front lawn.” – James Corden

Actually, Trump says that he’s banning transgender people from serving because of high medical costs. If he cares so much about high medical costs, maybe he should pass a healthcare bill. – Jimmy Fallon

Now Trump says that this move is to save money. But according to one study if you look at all the money that is spent on healthcare for transgender soldiers, the military spends five times as much on prescriptions for Viagra. – James Corden

Yesterday we were talking about how the Senate Republicans celebrated narrowly voting to open debate on their Obamacare repeal bill. Well, that victory is on life support already, because last night, their plan to replace Obamacare lost by 43-57. – Stephen Colbert

But don’t worry. They have a backup-backup-backup plan, the so-called “Skinny repeal,” which I think is made with soy milk. – Stephen Colbert

Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn’t seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, “I’m going to need another clue.” – Jimmy Fallon

Another big story is Trump’s feud with Attorney General Jeff Sessions. When he was asked about what will happen to Sessions, Trump said, “Time will tell.” When asked if he was just stealing lines off his magic eight ball, Trump said, “Ask again later”. – Jimmy Fallon

At a rally in Ohio last night, President Trump said that Abraham Lincoln is the only president more presidential than him. And then, this is weird, Trump invited him to the White House. – Seth Meyers

President Trump today wrote an all caps tweet saying quote, “IN AMERICA WE DON’T WORSHIP GOVERNMENT – WE WORSHIP GOD.” Though I think most of us will happily worship whichever one gets you out of office first. – Seth Meyers

Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci said today that he’s not a backstabber, but “more of a front-stabbing person”. And it’s very telling about this administration that they think there’s a right way to stab somebody. “I stab from the front, underhand. Like a gentleman.” – Seth Meyers

Energy Secretary Rick Perry recently spent 20 minutes on the phone talking to the prime minister of the Ukraine, only to find out he was actually being pranked by a Russian comedian. So it looks like Russia is now two for two pranking America. – James Corden

[Jokes from Jul 25, 2017]

Today, Senate Republicans voted to move forward in the process to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don’t know what they’re going to be voting on. That’s like going into a hospital and telling the surgeon, “Surprise me! Just go for it!” – Jimmy Fallon

This afternoon, Republicans in the Senate narrowly won a vote on Obamacare. When I heard this news, I was bummed. And then I found out it was simply a vote to begin debating the future of Obamacare. Which raises the question — what the hell have they been doing this whole time?! – James Corden

That’s right, ahead of the healthcare vote, Senators were saying they had no clue what they’d be voting on. Then Americans said, “Hey — just like us during the election!” – Jimmy Fallon

Even dogs are like, “You got to stop chasing that tail! You’re looking stupid!” – James Corden

But people are still talking about this. Last night, President Trump gave a big speech at the Boy Scouts of America National Scout Jamboree. His healthcare bill won the award for “Scariest Campfire Story.” – Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Donald Trump spoke at the National Boy Scout Jamboree. And it was horrific. During his speech, Trump told the Scouts that Health and Human Resources Secretary Tom Price would be fired if Congress doesn’t repeal and replace Obamacare. To which the Boy Scouts replied, “Dude, we’re ten.” – James Corden

The Girl Scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges focused on science, technology, engineering and math. While the Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while. – Seth Meyers

On the bright side, every Scout in attendance was able to earn his badge for “Listening to an old man bitch about his job.” – James Corden

President Trump spoke yesterday at the Boy Scout Jamboree and bragged about his election victory over Hillary Clinton. And every Scout in attendance earned the merit badge for eye rolling. – Seth Meyers

This morning, two senators were caught on a hot mic calling President Trump “crazy”. And when the news came out, literally every member of the Senate was like, “Wait, was it me?” – Jimmy Fallon

According to The Washington Post, President Trump is considering Ted Cruz as a replacement for Attorney General Jeff Sessions. And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right. – Seth Meyers

And we’re still getting to know Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci. I saw that his friends like to call him “the Mooch”. When Trump heard, he was like, “Great, now what am I gonna call Don Jr. and Eric?” – Jimmy Fallon