Political Irony

[Jokes from Aug 16, 2017]

Last Saturday, Nazis and the KKK provoked violence in Charlottesville, Virginia. That’s what they wanted. That’s why they went there. After a Nazi killed a young woman named Heather Heyer, Donald Trump made a statement and improvised during the statement, that there was violence on “many sides, many sides.” And people were upset — other than Nazis. Nazis liked it. – Stephen Colbert

Let’s start off with some good news. Donald Trump did not have a press conference today. – James Corden

I’m still recovering from President Trump’s kamikaze press conference yesterday, where Donald let Donald be Donald — the consequences and our country be damned. It was truly one for the ages — specifically, 1939 to 1945. – Stephen Colbert

We are enjoying a little bit of calm after a storm named Hurricane Donald ravaged much of the country yesterday. – Jimmy Kimmel

And mind you — this is him on vacation! He can’t even get VACATION right. Imagine coming back to the office — “Hey, how was your two-week break?” “It was good — I defended Nazis. What’d you do?” – Jimmy Fallon

I guess this morning, Trump went to the Trump Tower Lost & Found looking for his mind. “I lost it yesterday afternoon.” – Jimmy Fallon

The effects are still being felt and talked about. I don’t know about you, but I feel like this is the only thing anyone talks about. Trump and maybe “Game of Thrones.” – Jimmy Kimmel

And “Game of Thrones” only has two episodes left. So, we’re kind of screwed when that goes. – Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday, President Trump gave a big press conference on the subject of infrastructure. And all he had to do was stop right there. Just. Stop. Talking. For five minutes, just stop talking! – Jimmy Fallon

While President Trump fielded questions yesterday about Charlottesville, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was seen staring at the ground with his arms crossed. And after hearing the press conference, so was the Statue of Liberty. – Seth Meyers

So, Chief of Staff John Kelly pressed Trump to make another public statement. Grudgingly, Mr. Trump agreed. “OK, I’ll say Nazis are bad, but you can’t make me mean it. OK? Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. I call Nazi backsies.” – Stephen Colbert

Last night, the city of Baltimore removed four statues of Confederate heroes. Or, as Fox News reported it, “Baltimore liberals force pigeons from their homes.” – Conan O’Brien

But, today Donald Trump completely disbanded his manufacturing council after eight members quit in 48 hours. The way these CEOs are leaving Trump, you’d think they were married to him. – James Corden

President Trump dissolved his [manufacturing] advisory council because a bunch of CEOs dropped out. Trump said they didn’t “take their job seriously”. Trump then went back to golfing and retweeting memes while sitting on the toilet. – Conan O’Brien

Forget creating new manufacturing jobs in this country. Trump can’t even manufacture manufacturing councils. – James Corden

The CEOs of Intel and Under Armour both resigned. Which means, somehow, Donald Trump figured out a way to lose the nerds and the jocks at the same time. – James Corden

The CEO of the company 3M also resigned, and when Donald Trump asked why, they said that 3M doesn’t want to be associated with three K’s. – James Corden

The Trump administration named a new interim communications director and her name is Hope Hicks. So, apparently now they’re on the H’s. – Conan O’Brien

I’m starting to miss the old days when we were on the verge of nuclear war with North Korea. – Jimmy Fallon

As you probably all heard, North Korea has backed off its threat to launch a nuclear missile at Guam. So now the title of “Crazy Tyrant Most Likely to Destroy America” returns to defending champion, Donald Trump! – Conan O’Brien

The studio behind the “Hunger Games” movies announced that it will be opening a theme park in South Korea dedicated to the films. They’re calling it “North Korea.” – Seth Meyers

When asked yesterday about his confidence in chief adviser and accused white nationalist Steve Bannon, President Trump said, “We’ll see what happens.” This is how much Trump cares about ratings — he ended a press conference on a cliffhanger. “Will Steve Bannon lose his job? Will Mike Pence and his wife finally go all the way? Find out tomorrow on ‘As the World Burns’!” – Seth Meyers

I read that New York City could host the World Cup in 2026. That’s right, thousands of people trying not to use their hands — or as that’s called in New York, “riding the subway”. – Jimmy Fallon

In Washington, D.C., yesterday, vandals spray-painted graffiti on the Lincoln Memorial. Historians are calling it the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln. – Conan O’Brien

The Connecticut lottery’s mobile app malfunctioned this weekend and told some lottery winners they had lost. When instead, they should have been told, “You have a lottery app on your phone — get help.” – Jimmy Fallon

Today, all McDonald’s in Canada are offering 67-cent burgers — as if Americans need yet another reason to move to Canada. – Conan O’Brien

[I absolutely love this article from The Atlantic. Especially the last line. –iron]

The scientists are all talking like it’s a sure thing.

On August 21, the “moon” will pass between the Earth and the sun, obscuring the light of the latter. The government agency NASA says this will result in “one of nature’s most awe-inspiring sights.” The astronomers there claim to have calculated down to the minute exactly when and where this will happen, and for how long. They have reportedly known about this eclipse for years, just by virtue of some sort of complex math.

This seems extremely unlikely. I can’t even find these eclipse calculations on their website to check them for myself.

Meanwhile the scientists tell us we can’t look at it without special glasses because “looking directly at the sun is unsafe.”

That is, of course, unless we wear glasses that are on a list issued by these very same scientists. Meanwhile, corporations like Amazon are profiting from the sale of these eclipse glasses. Is anyone asking how many of these astronomers also, conveniently, belong to Amazon Prime?

Let’s follow the money a little further. Hotels along the “path of totality”—a region drawn up by Obama-era NASA scientists—have been sold out for months. Some of those hotels are owned and operated by large multinational corporations. Where else do these hotels have locations? You guessed it: Washington, D.C.

In fact the entire politico-scientifico-corporate power structure is aligned behind the eclipse. This includes the mainstream media. How many news stories have you read about how the eclipse won’t happen?

Meanwhile the newspaper owner Jeff Bezos is out there buying all of Seattle with the revenue from these “eclipse glasses.”

You’d think there would be a balanced look at even considering the idea that the eclipse isn’t going to happen. It’s like no one is even thinking to question this. Where are their voices? Why does Google give so few results that say the eclipse is fake? I would start by looking at Mark Zuckerberg and Charles “Chuck” Schumer.

I am not saying the eclipse isn’t going to happen. I’m just saying there are two sides to every story.

[Jokes from Aug 7, 2017]

As of Friday, Donald Trump is on a 17-day vacation at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. He’s there to relax after months of grueling golf at Mar-a-Lago. – Stephen Colbert

President Trump is in the middle of his 17-day trip to his New Jersey golf course, but he says it isn’t a vacation. And the staff at the White House said, “For us it is.” – Jimmy Fallon

We reached an important milestone today, because it was Donald Trump’s 200th day in the White House today. Whooo! Of course, he celebrated in his favorite way, by not going to work at the White House. – James Corden

The White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. Trump said he’s hoping to replace the kitchen, the carpeting, and the attorney general. – Conan O’Brien

In fact this morning Trump tweeted he will be working in New Jersey while the White House goes through a long-planned renovation. Yeah, the White House does need some work. Apparently that place has a ton of leaks. – James Corden

President Trump is on 17-day vacation at a golf course — and tweeted 15 times today. – Jimmy Kimmel

But the president swears he’s not taking it easy, tweeting: “Working in Bedminster, N.J., as long-planned construction is being done at the White House. This is not a vacation — meetings and calls!” Meetings AND calls! Wow! Both of them! Trump has to do all that during his vacation? Man, I would NOT want to work for Vladimir Putin. Tough boss! – Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, is also on vacation. Which is kind of suspicious. It’s like when your husband and secretary go on a work trip together. – Jimmy Kimmel

Of course, since it’s Putin, he also released photos of himself chilling by the river. [shows photo of bare-chested Putin] Man, those sanctions have already devastated the Russian shirt industry. – Stephen Colbert

As much as people complain about Trump going on vacation, at least he keeps his shirt on. – Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s buddy Vladimir Putin is also taking a break. He’s in Siberia putting on a snorkel and shooting fish with a spear gun. Though he later claimed the fish were killed by Ukrainian separatists. – Stephen Colbert

The Kremlin just released photos of Vladimir Putin on vacation. Putin was like, “Forget about the dad bod, feast your eyes on the Vlad bod.” – Jimmy Fallon

I will say, compared to Trump THAT looks like a vacation. I would love to go on a bro-down fishing trip with Vladimir Putin. I’ll bet it would be so much fun that I’d NEVER come back. – Stephen Colbert

Vice President Mike Pence denies he’s planning to run for president in 2020. He said, “I’m pretty sure I’ll be president way before then.” – Conan O’Brien

Pence is like, “This is ridiculous. I’m not focused on being president in 2020, I’m focused on being president after Trump is impeached sometime this year.” – James Corden

Mike Pence is denying speculation that he wants to be elected president in 2020. Pence was like, “I think you mean re-elected president in 2020.” – Jimmy Fallon

According to The New York Times, Vice President Mike Pence is planning on running for president if Trump doesn’t run for a second term. But he issued a statement strongly denying the article, saying it was disgraceful, offensive to me, my family and our entire team. He said to suggest he is running for president in 2020 is laughable and absurd. Right, why would Mike Pence want to be president in 2020? He’s going to be president much, much sooner than that. – Jimmy Kimmel

Vice President Mike Pence is adamantly denying a New York Times article claiming that he has begun a secret campaign for a presidential run in 2020. He says he has even less interest in being president than Trump does, which is saying something. – James Corden

Former communications director Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his time in the White House into a sitcom. Networks say it’s impossible, because sitcoms have to last at least 30 minutes. – Jimmy Fallon

According to reports, officials at the Department of Agriculture told staffers to avoid the term “climate change” in their research and to use terms like “weather extremes” instead. And instead of earthquakes, they’re now called “li’l shakeroos.” – Seth Meyers

Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended following reports that he sent lewd photos to multiple female coworkers. Or as Fox News is reporting it: “Did Hillary Frame Eric Bolling?” – Seth Meyers

Tonight was the finale of “The Bachelorette.” Millions of people tuned into the finale to see who Rachel would spend the rest of her summer with. – Jimmy Fallon

The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated its fifth year in space by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The Rover then drank a bottle of white wine and cried itself to sleep. – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from Aug 4, 2017]

You know who is going to have a nice, fun long weekend? Donald Trump. Because starting today, he begins a 17-day vacation. [Audience boos.] No, he’s earned it … is a phrase that you don’t say about Donald Trump. – Stephen Colbert

President Trump started his big vacation today. But before he left, he visited FEMA’s headquarters. FEMA said it was a nice change of pace to have a disaster come to them. – Jimmy Fallon

Trump has spent the last year telling us that the mainstream media is “fake news.” So now he’s finally fighting back, because President Trump has launched his own news program on his Facebook page … that LOOKS like state-sponsored propaganda. – Stephen Colbert

But the big story is that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is bringing evidence before a grand jury for the Russia investigation. Trump was confused, because he thought a grand jury was something you order at Denny’s. “I’ll have a grand jury, side of bacon.” – Jimmy Fallon

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox was on CNN this morning, and he seemed to express his feelings once again about Trump’s border wall pretty clearly: [clip of Fox] “Well, you can use my words, we’ll never pay for that [bleeping] wall.” Trump was like, “So it sounds like there’s some wiggle room there.” – Jimmy Fallon

The WWE has trademarked the Bible verse numbers 3:16. It is the most inappropriate case of commercializing the Bible since King Solomon’s baby-sized Ginsu knives. “Cut that baby in one swipe!” – Stephen Colbert

The WWE-trademarked 3:16 refers to one of the Bible’s most quoted verses, John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that those who believe in him shall not die but have eternal life.” Or, as the WWE will now put it, “Christ-a-mania is running wild! Woo, baby!” – Stephen Colbert

Sunday’s episode of “Game of Thrones” will be the show’s shortest episode ever at just 50 minutes. Yeah, so after the opening credits, that’s only two minutes of actual show. – Jimmy Fallon

ABC is dropping plans for a live musical of “The Little Mermaid” because of budget issues. Also, because nobody can hold their breath underwater for two hours. – Jimmy Fallon