[Jokes from Aug 17, 2017]
In a tweet this morning, President Trump called Confederate statues “beautiful”. People were shocked because it’s the first time Trump has complimented anything that’s over 40 years old. – Conan O’Brien
Trump thinks these 100-year-old Confederate monuments are beautiful. Which is weird. Usually Trump doesn’t call anything beautiful if it’s over 30 years old. – James Corden
President Trump tweeted this morning that he’s “sad” over the removal of our “beautiful statues”. Of course, Trump may just be sticking up for his fellow bronze-colored symbols of hate. – Conan O’Brien
I love how he’s trying to pretend these white supremacists are art lovers and historical preservationists. “Grab your tiki torch and swastika, Bob, they’re trying to take our sculptures away.” He knows we’re not building one for him, right? – Jimmy Kimmel
I saw that a life-sized statue of President Trump was just installed on a park bench here in New York. Even pigeons were like, “I’m gonna take my business elsewhere.” – Jimmy Fallon
This morning, on Twitter, Donald Trump complained about Confederate statues being taken down, saying that our country is being ripped apart by the removal of these beautiful Confederate monuments. “Beautiful Confederate monuments” — or as pigeons call them, “toilets”. – James Corden
Speaking of statues, did you see this today? The president tweeted that removing Confederate statues takes beauty out of our parks that can never be replaced. Then he said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go cut down a bunch of trees to build a hotel and golf course.” – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump is having a historically bad week, which he kept going strong with a string of combative tweets this morning. He makes one good point. If we’re going to start taking down every monument that pays tribute to racists, we should probably take down every building with the name “Trump” on it. – Jimmy Kimmel
“There’s literally no difference between Robert E. Lee and George Washington” — that’s a quote from Donald Trump. Literally no difference, except there’s literally a difference, like literally their names are different. You literally don’t know what literally means. – James Corden
The dating site OkCupid is banning white supremacists. So, white supremacists will have to look for love where they usually do — family reunions. – Jimmy Fallon
Some white supremacists are now upset because they’re taking DNA tests and discovering they’re part black. And you know who’s even more upset? Their black ancestors. – Conan O’Brien
President Trump said that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s choice to not attack Guam was a “wise and well-reasoned decision.” Trump said, “Someday I’m gonna make one of those.” – Conan O’Brien
The American Cancer Society has decided not to host its charity event at Trump’s resort, Mar-a-Lago. You know it’s not a good sign for Trump when he’s considered too toxic for cancer. – Conan O’Brien
Today was National Thrift Shop Day. And to celebrate, our president is 99 percent off. – Seth Meyers
Meanwhile, the vice president, Mike Pence, cut his trip to Central America short to come back to Washington with all this going on. He was in the White House today measuring the drapes. – Jimmy Kimmel
A song which consists of nearly 10 minutes of silence has made it to the top 50 purchases on the iTunes charts. Said Mike Pence, “This rocks!” – Seth Meyers
We haven’t heard much about Russia lately, but this is interesting. They did an international survey, and most countries now have more confidence in Vladimir Putin than Donald Trump. Out of 37 countries, 22 of them said they have more faith in Putin. Other countries are now watching “Rocky IV” and hoping Drago wins. – Jimmy Kimmel
Only 5 percent of Mexicans say they trust Trump, which still seems like a lot. That’s like 5 percent of Smurfs trusting Gargamel. – Jimmy Kimmel
Axios today published a list of groups that President Trump has alienated during his first seven months of office. And now the world is out of paper. – Seth Meyers
Hillary Clinton is coming out with a book called “What Happened.” Out of habit, Bill Clinton immediately came out with his own book called “Baby, I Can Explain.” – Conan O’Brien
In a new interview, Kim Kardashian revealed that she did karaoke with former President Obama. Said Obama, “That was just the National Anthem…” – Seth Meyers
Twenty-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai has been accepted to Oxford University. When she puts her Nobel Prize on the shelf, her roommate will quietly put away all her youth soccer trophies. – Jimmy Fallon
You know the band Belle and Sebastian? Well, they accidentally left the drummer behind at a Walmart in his pajamas, with no phone or wallet. So they called Walmart to see if there was a guy wandering around in his PJs with no phone or wallet, and Walmart said, “You gotta be WAY more specific.” – Jimmy Fallon
The jackpot is up, an enormous sum. Playing the Powerball is a great way to spend quality time with strangers outside gas stations. – Jimmy Kimmel
If you win and decide to take the money in a lump sum, $324 million before taxes. And I’m not an expert on finances, but you should take the lump sum. The way things are going right now, you may not make it to your second installment. – Jimmy Kimmel
Some schools are giving kids an Eclipse Day, a day off, because they’re worried teachers might not be able to protect their eyes. These kids haven’t looked up from their phones since January. – Jimmy Kimmel
A man in Texas accused of having sex with a chain link fence failed to appear in court last week and is now on the run from police. Which is weird because it sounds like he would have a great time in the prison yard. – Seth Meyers
