Political Irony

© Tom Toles

© Jim Morin

“Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush — the other way around.” – David Letterman

“A lot of entertainers are getting into politics. For example, Tina Fey says she might run for governor from Alaska.” – David Letterman

“Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can’t wait to start reading Palin’s memoirs and then quit halfway through.” – Conan O’Brien

“I want to say something here, and it’s kind of a sensitive area. There was a press conference, and Sarah Palin announced she is stepping down. … Then the next day, there was footage of her she went fishing. Is it just me, or is anybody else here having naughty thoughts about Sarah Palin in those waders? All right. I’m just apologize for that right now. … In fact, she looked so great, Russia was watching her.” – David Letterman

“In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we’re at 17.” – Conan O’Brien

“Anybody ever been in prison? Bernie Madoff, the nasty, awful swindler, he’s going to be there for 150 years. You know what he did? He hired a prison consultant. I think it’s Martha Stewart.” – David Letterman

“But good news for Madoff’s wife, Ruth. They returned her passport. She has her passport back. Earlier, she flew off to Argentina with Governor Sanford.” – David Letterman

“President Obama’s in Italy to attend the G-8 summit, and he praised the Italians for being our ‘great allies.’ He went on to say, ‘Except, of course, for any time we’ve ever been to war.'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is at one of the G-8 summits in Italy. Meanwhile, Senator John McCain, who ran for president against Obama, is in Arizona, heating up a can of Chef Boyardee.” – David Letterman

“This is what is on the agenda over there in Italy for the G-8 leaders. Financial crisis, global financial crisis. World poverty. Climate change. Giant transforming robots.” – David Letterman

“But the G-8 summit in Italy is being hosted by Silvio Berlusconi, the prime minister of Italy. And the meeting went pretty well. He was only interrupted once by his wife accusing him of adultery.” – David Letterman

“Senator John McCain says he’s been using Twitter to share his opinions on this year’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Apparently, no one has the heart to tell McCain that he’s been Twittering on his garage door opener.” – Conan O’Brien

“I know we got a lot of people here from out of town, and I hate to bring bad news to you, because I know it’s your vacation, a lot of people are here on vacation. And New York City, because of all the rain — it’s really nobody’s fault — we got a mosquito problem. So, the good news is the blood suckers are no longer just on Wall Street.” – David Letterman

“This is weird. It’s been reported that Saddam Hussein’s gun will be on display in George W. Bush’s presidential library. Apparently, the gun will be on display right next to the book.” – Conan O’Brien

“Kim Jong Il today made rare public appearance. Here’s what happened. He saw the shadow of his hair, went back in his hole.” – David Letterman

“But Kim Jong Il watchers saw King Jong Il, and they said he didn’t look good. They said, in fact, he was pale and haggard, and the headlines of the North Korean newspapers today read ‘Kim Jong Il Ill.'” – David Letterman

“North Korea has gone nuts. I don’t know what is going on over there. There was a huge computer attack. Was your computer okay? We had a big computer attack from — they don’t know what happened. They shut down the U.S. Treasury Department website. Man! I was stunned. I said, ‘Whoa! The U.S. still has a Treasury Department?'” – David Letterman

“President Obama is in Russia. Today he waved to Sarah Palin.” – David Letterman

“Today, in Russia, President Obama delivered a speech to the graduating class of Moscow’s new economic school. That’s right. The title of his speech was ‘Can We Borrow 4 Trillion Rubles, Please?'” – Conan O’Brien

“But it’s an important trip for Obama to go to Russia. He’s gotten a lot of concessions. He has now gotten the Russians to agree to decrease production of nuclear warheads. Well that’s not bad right there. And, that’s not all. They’re going to increase production of fruit-flavored vodka.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday, President Obama met with Russian President Dimitry Medvedev. This morning, he met with Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Then, this afternoon, he met with former President Mikhail Gorbachev. At the end of each meeting, Obama would twist the Russian leader at their waist, then the next slightly smaller leader would pop out.” – Conan O’Brien

“But it’s not all fun and games for President Obama over there in Russia. He has a busy agenda. Today, he visited the birthplace of Yakov Smirnoff.” – David Letterman

“It’s an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America’s most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don’t worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying.” – Conan O’Brien

“Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia. Obama was waving to her.” – David Letterman

“And people are puzzled by this. They say, ‘Well Governor, Sarah, what are you going to do? What’s going to happen?’ And insiders believe that she hopes to be the next ‘Octomom.’ But I don’t know.” – David Letterman

“But she’s going to take the summer off, and then will come back next fall in the 10 o’clock slot.” – David Letterman

“Speaking of Sarah Palin, Senator John McCain was reportedly surprised by Sarah Palin’s resignation as governor of Alaska. He said he was surprised. McCain was also surprised to find that television now comes in color.” – Conan O’Brien

“She said that before she decided to quit, she called Dick Cheney. Do you remember Dick ‘Ka-boom’ Cheney? And I thought, well, this is great because when you want some advice on strategic maneuvers, I mean, you go to the architect of the Iraqi war. I mean, isn’t that where you go? That’s where you want to be.” – David Letterman

“But friends of Governor Palin are saying that she is resigning because she is tired of attacks from the media. Thank God I didn’t say anything.” – David Letterman

“Here’s something wacky. Osama bin Laden’s first wife — and this guy has literally like 40 wives or something, yeah, 40 wives — well his first wife, wife No. 1, is writing a book all about Osama bin Laden. It’s a fascinating story. And it talks about when Osama was 16 years old, when he was just a kid, listen to this, he wrecked the family camel.” – David Letterman

“But the book is going to be huge. It’s being published by Random Cave.” – David Letterman

“Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations on your new senator, Al Franken, finally sworn in as Senator of Minnesota. Sworn in today, down in Washington. A lovely ceremony, officiated by the Church Lady.” – David Letterman

“They swear him in today. Listen to this. He has to race right back to Minnesota to begin his re-election campaign. It’s crazy.” – David Letterman

“General Motors had some good news. General Motors says it’s struggling to meet demand for its new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. G.M. said they’re ‘sorry, but both of you are going to have to wait a little longer.'” – Conan O’Brien