“President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor had her second day in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee today. I guess they have to do that in order to be confirmed to the Supreme Court. Her confirmation is pretty much a forgone conclusion, but even the leading Republican said the only way she would not be confirmed is if she had a meltdown, in which case she’d be named the governor of Alaska.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I spent all day watching the Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings. It was like watching Ambien-colored paint dry. It was so boring, it put her own family to sleep. I believe they were dreaming about something much more exciting, like Joe Biden filling ice cube trays.” – Stephen Colbert
“I guess everyone is following Sonia Sotomayor’s Supreme Court confirmation hearing. Did you hear what happened yesterday? Her twin nephews fell asleep during the hearings. But in their defense, they were watching a Supreme Court confirmation hearing. What are you supposed to do? Root for it? Start the wave?” – Jimmy Fallon
For her part, Sonia Sotomayor sat perfectly still as senator after senator after senator talked over her, at her, and down to her. Never, ever moving. In fact, at one point, she sat so still her body’s screensaver came on.” – Jon Stewart
“More details are coming out about Judge Sotomayor. Apparently, she’s a big New York Yankee fan. This is good news for the Yankees because they really need a strong lefty off the bench.” – Conan O’Brien
“Are you watching the Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings for the Supreme Court? Are you watching those? Day two. Fascinating stuff. And, man, did you see it this morning? Had the place going crazy. She shows up and right off the bat, she opens up with ‘I Dreamed a Dream’. Wow!” – David Letterman
“Then this was odd. Kind of awkward. When everybody calmed down, Clarence Thomas sent over a mojito.” – David Letterman
“Of course, Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation hearings are under way. It’s interesting. Political experts say that if Republican senators attack Sonia Sotomayor too harshly, they could alienate Latino members of their own party. This may explain with Republicans opened every question with, ‘As a huge fan of Santana.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Everybody knows Sotomayor will get confirmed. Even the GOP can’t take her on, because she is the first Hispanic nominated to the Supreme Court, and they don’t want to offend Latino voters. That’s why they no longer talk about the ‘border fence.’ It’s now called the ‘welcome wall.'” – Stephen Colbert
“Democrats want an investigation into a secret CIA program that was concealed from Congress by Dick Cheney. The program is so secret, Cheney could tell you about it, but then he’d have to take you hunting.” – Jimmy Fallon
“You remember Dick Cheney, who was the Vice President for eight years with George W. Bush? And we didn’t think much about Dick Cheney and then one day he goes hunting, boy, that changed everything. Well now it turns out that for eight years, Dick Cheney had a secret hit squad to assassinate al Qaeda leaders. And the team was unbelievable. Here’s who was on the team: Lee Marvin; Jim Brown; John Cassavetes; Telly Savales; and Trini Lopez as Pedro.” – David Letterman
“But the secret assassination squad, tough group of guys. To make the team, you had to survive a hunting trip with Cheney.” – David Letterman
“Now here is the thing. Here are the two sides of this. The ying and the yang. Idea was we’d kill off al Qaeda leaders. That’s the ying, I guess. The yang is completely illegal. But, listen to this. Before you make your judgment, before you decide, if it weren’t for Dick Cheney and his secret assassination squad, Osama bin Laden would be alive today.” – David Letterman
“Now, you know, there’s a brand new audio tape from Osama bin Laden. You know what the guy does, like, every couple of months, he’ll shoot out a new audio tape. It’s just to irritate people and get them all worked up and stuff. Should really be stopped. But in the new tape, they know it’s current because he talks about his ex-wife’s new book that she’s written about him. In the new tape, he says, ‘Yeah, well, let me tell you something. If you’d be married to her, you’d be drunk all the time, too. You try living in a cave with that woman!'” – David Letterman
“Did you see this, yesterday in Washington? President Obama was in the middle of giving a speech when his teleprompter fell to the floor and shattered. Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s teleprompter has been treated for exhaustion.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama’s teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing. That’s bad. That’s not good.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This happened yesterday at the White House. President Obama was talking to a bunch of people and he’s using a teleprompter, tells him exactly what to say, they got the teleprompter, the things rolling by like that. All of a sudden, it overheats and explodes and crashes to the ground. The teleprompter. I read that, I said, ‘Boy, I’m disappointed in this guy. What kind of a guy can’t think and speak on his — flip the card for me — on his feet.'” – David Letterman
“I mean, you probably know what a teleprompter is, the machine that tells you what to say. In Bush’s case, it was Cheney.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday, former President Bill Clinton said he supports gay marriage. However, Clinton still remains very much strongly opposed to straight marriage.” – Conan O’Brien
“Speaking of former presidents, yesterday, former President George W. Bush released the final list of all the guests who stayed overnight at the White House when he was president. The most frequent visitor was someone known as ‘The Wiggles.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin’s friends say they are worried about her because she looks frail and her hair is thinning. It’s all part of her plan to run for president in 2012 as John McCain.” – Jimmy Fallon
