Political Irony

“President Obama throws out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. And people are criticizing him because he had the big baggy jeans on, but Obama says Americans have it all wrong if they want a president who looks great in tight jeans. I think that was Al Gore’s campaign slogan, wasn’t it?” – David Letterman

“I want to tell you something. In all honesty, if we had wanted a president who looked good in pants, we’d have elected Hillary. You know what I mean?” – David Letterman

“Yesterday, to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Obama extended Dick Cheney – you remember Dick Cheney, Vice President Dick ‘Ka-Boom’ Cheney, you remember him? He extended his Secret Service protection for another six months. Hey, I’ll tell you who needs protection, Cheney’s hunting buddies.” – David Letterman

“Cheney needs protection. Yeah, protection from bacon.” – David Letterman

“A new book reveals that George Bush’s twin daughters Jenna and Barbara were a nightmare for Secret Service to keep tabs on. The girls responded, ‘That’s not true. We had tabs at every bar we went to.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“You remember before the election, in October and September, and the big convention, all people could talk about was Sarah Palin and John McCain? And now, this is Sarah Palin’s last week in office as governor of Alaska. Isn’t that crazy? Going back to her old job as IHOP hostess.” – David Letterman

“But Sunday will be a big day for Sarah Palin. That’s the day she plans to go on her porch and wave goodbye to Russia. Then she’ll run back in the House and jiggle the handle.” – David Letterman

“On Monday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, announced that the U.S. will send an additional 22,000 troops to Iraq to speed up the withdrawal effort. It’s all part of the Administration’s new exit strategy, ‘Reverse Psychology.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s how bad the economy is. Now people can’t afford to be buried in a cemetery so they’re being buried in their backyard. Well, I mean, you think about it. You sink all your money into real estate. Why not go with it?” – David Letterman

“Good News for California. This just came out. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has apparently found a way to close the state’s $26 billion budget shortfall. Schwarzenegger says it won’t be pretty, but times like this call for a sequel to ‘Jingle All The Way.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Seriously, though, this is very good news. You should be happy. Schwarzenegger has found a way to close the state’s $26 billion budget deficit. It’s giant. Now I can’t get into all the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China.” – Conan O’Brien

Special Extra: even more Late Night Political Humor on video.

© Matt Bors

“According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they’d support her decision to step down in 2013.” – Conan O’Brien

“The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is stepping down from office. Will no longer be the governor of Alaska on Sunday. So right about now, Sarah Palin should be taking her grizzly bear head off the wall and packing it in bubble wrap.” – David Letterman

“She’s leaving office because she wants to spend more time riding in a helicopter shooting wildlife.” – David Letterman

“Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn’t really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman’s vagina.” – Jon Stewart

“Gov. Sanford is still trying to recover from his sex scandal. This is the latest. This weekend, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing for his behavior. I’m not sure he’s sincere, though, because it starts out, ‘Dear Penthouse.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Since then, the governor has apologized many times, most recently in an open letter to the people of South Carolina in which he promised to ‘trust god in his larger work of changing me.’ I thought Reform Judaism was lax! This Christianity thing sounds amazing! See, you’re not banging a hot Argentinean woman. You’re ‘undergoing a religious metamorphosis.’ And, you get to do that and eat bacon. I’m in!” – Jon Stewart

“Happy birthday to former Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Sixty-four years old. And if you are wondering where the celebration is, well, it’s in the stall with the yellow balloons.” – David Letterman

“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that the United States will build two nuclear plants in India. And here’s the weird part about those power plants. They’re going to outsource all the jobs to Americans.” – Jimmy Fallon

“And just this morning, Hillary Clinton said that the US will not comment on North Korea’s nuclear tests to avoid giving them attention. And then she said, ‘Oh, wait, damn, I just — I kind of just mentioned it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Looks like Paula Abdul may not be going back to ‘American Idol.’ And that means President Obama has to nominate another new judge.” – David Letterman

“It was that fateful day in July that we planted the Stars and Stripes in the lunar surface, officially claiming the moon as America’s space Puerto Rico. It was all ours. It was the culmination of a dream. … It took us ten years, astronauts’ lives, billions of dollars, and all we did is hit a f*cking golf ball? … I can’t help but think, if only there’d been Moon Indians. By now, we’d probably have hourly shuttles to the moon casinos that we had to give them as an apology for the terrible Earthpox epidemic of 1973.” – Jon Stewart

“Walter Cronkite’s influence on the news is still felt today, in that news anchors still wear ties. Other parts of his legacy have become obsolete. For instance, dispassionate reporting is fine for covering the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention, but not for an issue as complex as Octomom. Sadly, Cronkite’s passing is not getting the kind of cable news attention I believe it deserves. I watched the coverage this weekend and I didn’t see one helicopter shot of his home. I don’t even think his family has booked the Staples Center yet.” – Stephen Colbert

“The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang around Sonia Sotomayor’s neck was ‘reverse racist.’ They said, you know, it’s reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name.” – Bill Maher

“Yesterday, Sonia Sotomayor’s questioning finally came to an end. Sotomayor said that she had received a ‘gracious and fair’ hearing. Her exact quote was, ‘Thanks a lot, you old honkies. I’m outta here. You can kiss my ass.'” – Conan O’Brien

“It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama recently said that the best way to pay for his health care plan is to raise taxes on people like him. As a result, the government is raising taxes on all half-Kenyan, half-Kansan presidents who were born in Hawaii.” – Conan O’Brien

“I know where I’m going to go on my next break. I’m going to the C Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It’s kind of a frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine commandments.” – Bill Maher

“I say the nine commandments because Gov. Sanford hung out there, John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada who was banging his chief of staff’s wife, he lives there. And now a third alumnus, a former Republican congressman named Chip Pickering, has also been exposed for cheating on his wife, apparently actually in the house. It kind of makes you miss those innocent days when Republicans just tried to blow a stranger in an airport bathroom.” – Bill Maher

“Experts say the video game industry has been dramatically hurt by the economic downturn. Which explains the popularity of the new Nintendo game, ‘Wii Job Interview.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Forty years ago, Apollo 11 left for the moon. … The whole thing was delayed. Do you remember the delay? They had to go through Newark.” – David Letterman

“This weekend, it’s very cool. It’s the fortieth anniversary of the moon landing, considered by some to be mankind’s greatest achievement. … Unless, of course, you count the time we put the cheese inside the pizza crust.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama, he’s the kind of guy with a lot of foresight, a lot of vision. He says that he would like to put another man on the moon. He’s thinking about maybe Joe Biden.” – David Letterman

Some hilarious lines in this “Back in Black” segment about health care reform on the Daily Show:

I’ve always had a great health care plan; I plan to someday care about my health.

And in response to a video showing Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell saying:

I had a friend in Florida who had a friend in Canada that died because the government decided he was too old for a certain kind of procedure.

Black fires back:

Your anti-health care anecdote is a friend of a friend? That’s not even enough proof for an urban legend. I have a friend of friend who brought home a dog back from Mexico. Then he shaved it. It turns out, someone had stolen his kidney and replaced it with a polaroid of my toothbrush up Richard Gere’s ass. Go figure!