Political Irony

“They had the big beer summit earlier tonight at the White House. President Obama had a beer with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him. The meeting got off to a rough start when a neighbor called the police to say Gates was breaking into the White House.” – Conan O’Brien

“You know, President Obama had his so-called ‘beer summit’ at the White House this evening. It was a chance to sit down with Dr. Henry Louis Gates, the Harvard professor who was arrested after breaking into his own house, and Sergeant James Crowley, the policeman who arrested him. And there was one awkward moment, they say, when Crowley asked Obama for some ID, but he was just kidding it turned out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, today — I’m so excited about this, and I think we all are — the big kegger down in Washington at the White House. The big beer party. They’re having the big beer party to celebrate the last day of finals.” – David Letterman

“Vice President Biden showed up too. I did not know he was going to be a part of it. I guess they wanted to even things out racially.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s who’s going to be there — Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Sergeant James Crowley, meeting with Barack Obama over beers. And I understand we had a spy down there looking in. It went so well that Vice President Biden had to go out twice for ice.” – David Letterman

“President Obama held his first beer summit at the White House today. Obama wanted Bud Light, Crowley wanted Blue Moon, Gates wanted a Red Stripe, and Joe Biden wanted whatever fits in his beer helmet.” – Jimmy Fallon

“But they sat around a table in the Rose Garden, and drank. And I’m starting to think the President cooked this whole thing up because he didn’t want to ask Michelle if he could have a poker night or something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I wonder if somebody like Bush had invited Saddam Hussein over to the White House, if we could have just settled that whole thing without all the bloodshed and violence.” – David Letterman

“But Obama really cut loose at the kegger. He was wearing baggy dad jeans and sipping a Bud Lite.” – David Letterman

“The beer summit was good. But we all know that the best stuff goes down at the after summit.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Things really went nuts at the kegger and about 8:00, everybody was a little tipsy, and they drunk dialed Ben Bernanke.” – David Letterman

“And then things got completely out of hand and everybody took a leak in the Rose Garden.” – David Letterman

“Everybody in Washington, DC, helped out to make the big kegger quite a success. And I thought this was nice. To show that there are no hard feelings anywhere, toward the end of the evening, Bill Clinton, former President Bill Clinton, that Bill Clinton, brought over a stripper.” – David Letterman

“Obama wants to make this a regular thing. He’s already invited Ahmadinejad over for Appletinis.” – Jimmy Fallon

“And I guess next week, Obama is going sit down with Jon and Kate to see if he can’t patch that up too.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Pardon me if I slur a little tonight. I have been at the White House, doing beer bongs with the President.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tomorrow morning will heretofore be known as Racial Harmony Hangover Day.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin announced she’s leaving as governor of Alaska and everybody said ‘Well, what is she going to do?’ She wants to host a radio show, like a daily talk show. And of course, with that, she’s going to have to tell people when she’s winking.” – David Letterman

“That’s right, another ranting radio host. Cut me a slice of that, will you? Let’s go.” – David Letterman

“Conservatives are criticizing Time magazine because they put President Obama on the cover for the 12th time in the last year. Not only that, every week since Obama was elected, he’s been on the cover of Black President Magazine.” – Conan O’Brien

“This is true, though. This is Obama’s 12th appearance on the cover of Time magazine. And this beats President Bush’s record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine.” – Conan O’Brien

“Barack Obama is always talking about healthcare and you got the big healthcare bill and is it going to pass? And nobody knows and everybody is upset about it. We’re worried about healthcare. I myself am concerned about healthcare because all week long I have been sick. I go to the doctor and tell him what my symptoms are. And he is conducting an examination and he says, ‘I am sorry, Mr. Dave, I have no tongue depressor. Do you mind if I use my pocket comb?'” – David Letterman

“The schedule for next year’s Iowa caucuses has been announced. And Jewish voters are upset because the caucus is being held on Saturday, which means they can’t attend. This could reduce the number of voters in the Iowa caucus by almost two.” – Conan O’Brien

“This week, Fox commenter Glenn Beck said that President Obama ‘has a deep-seated hatred for white people and white culture.’ Very controversial. In the President’s defense, the White House cited the time Obama had John Tesh over to play Scattergories.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Vice President, Joe Biden held a series of closed door meetings. Not because they were secret. He just couldn’t figure out how to open the door.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier this week — this is weird, I just found out about this — Shaquille O’Neal stopped by the White House unannounced to see President Obama, but a Secret Service agent turned him away. That really happened. The agent told Shaq to make an appointment and to someday make a free throw.” – Conan O’Brien

“Interesting announcement just came out. Next month, a 95-year-old Crow Indian chief will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. When asked about it, the chief said, ‘Great, that should pretty much make up for everything.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, of course, on Fox News commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. Well, to be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people.” – Conan O’Brien

“Big kegger at the White House tomorrow. Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. will be there and Sergeant James Crowley will be there, coming over for beer. It’s going to be a crazy night. There will be karaoke with Tim Geithner.” – David Letterman

“Of course, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him to the White House. Reportedly, Obama is going to serve them Budweiser. And in the spirit of racial harmony, Budweiser is changing its nickname from the ‘King of Beers’ to the ‘Martin Luther King of Beers.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Finally, tomorrow, President Obama has his big beer summit with Professor Henry Louis Gates and Sergeant James Crowley. Yeah, that’s a great idea. In my experience, the best way to settle an argument between guys from Boston — just add alcohol.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I believe it’s the first White House kegger, really, since the Bush twins lived there.” – David Letterman

“Everyone’s in kegger spirits. And how can you not be? Hillary Clinton, by the way, is in kegger spirit. She’s going to be serving snacks in a skimpy pantsuit.” – David Letterman

“They were talking to Hillary about it and she is still interested in running for president. She said running for president is not on her radar, not on her radar. Yeah, but she’s still got Bill on LoJack.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday at the White House, President Obama took part in an online Q & A session with a group of senior citizens. The most common question the seniors asked Obama was, ‘What have you done with Eisenhower?'” – Conan O’Brien

“Former Governor Sarah Palin, she’s rumored to be interested in a new career as a talk radio host. It’s a four-hour show but she’ll be gone after two. So, that’s — she says it’s part of her deal.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, you have to remember, radio host is now the most powerful position in the Republican Party. ‘The Morning Drive’ on WQU-Betcha. Should be exciting.” – Jimmy Fallon

Bill Maher on the Birthers and related topics:

“To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama’s going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jaegerbombs.” – Conan O’Brien

“Have you guys heard about this? Henry Louis Gates, the Harvard professor who was arrested while trying to get into his own house? Well, to smooth things over, President Obama has invited Gates and the cop, Sergeant Crowley, to the White House for a beer. How cool is that? Obama is handling the situation like two of his bros got in a fight over a girl or something. They’ll come over. One beer will lead to two. Two will lead to nine. Next thing you know, everyone will forget they were ever mad at each other. They’ll start doing Jaeger shots out of Betsy Ross’ thimble. They’ll make prank phone calls on the Red Phone. Crowley will pass out. They’ll put his hand in warm water and giggle. Then they’ll all wake up in the morning with matching tattoos of ‘Twilight’ star Robert Pattinson. It’s such a great idea.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Now here’s the way President Obama likes to do stuff. They had this problem up there at Harvard and the professor, Professor Gates and the cop, the professor, the Officer Crowley, and the professor officer — so there was big trouble. So President Obama says, ‘Why don’t you guys? Here’s what we’ll do. Come to the White House. You guys, we’ll settle our differences. We’ll have a beer. We’ll have a beer.’ And if it works for those guys he’s going to try it with Jon and Kate, and he is going it to try it with the Israelis and Hamas.” – David Letterman

“Big beer fest at the White House. And today, Obama sent Vice President Biden on an emergency goodwill mission for pretzels, so that will be good.” –David Letterman

“But here it is. You have Crowley and you have Gates. And tempers flared. Case of mistaken identity. You have anger. You have accusations. You have name-calling. Sure, let’s add alcohol! Let’s go, let’s pick it up! Why not?” – David Letterman

“You know what they’re saying, that President Obama is trying to do too much too soon. You have heard that criticism? They criticized him for trying to do too much too soon and the fact that he wears baggie jeans. No wonder his poll numbers are going down.” – David Letterman

“But it’s too much too soon. Just kind of the opposite of President Bush, too little too late.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday, the ‘Thrilla from Wasilla’ officially passed the reins of power to her lieutenant governor at a picnic in Fairbanks. So that’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom! Pit bulls don’t quit and then try to pretend like their quitting is not really quitting because they are quitting!” – Jon Stewart

“Palin resigned a year-and-a-half before her term ends because she didn’t want Alaska to have a lame-duck governor. Now, she has a book deal presumed to be worth millions. And I cannot wait to read it. I believe on the tenth page, she decides since the book is going to end anyway, to leave the last two hundred pages blank.” – Stephen Colbert

“By the way, when you have 15 months to go in your first term in office, I don’t think that’s lame duck status. I think it’s just — you’re bored.” – Jon Stewart

“Sarah said goodbye, but she’s coming back in the fall in the 10 p.m. slot.” – David Letterman

“It’s a poignant evening. Yesterday, Sarah Palin stepped down as Alaska’s governor. Yeah, I know. I know. The nation mourned the Alaskan way — by committing manslaughter in the lower 48 and then fleeing to the Yukon.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday, Sarah Palin gave her last speech before resigning as governor of Alaska. It was a very fiery speech. She was mad. I mean, she blasted the media, Hollywood, two bears and a moose.” – Jimmy Fallon

“At first, folks, I was devastated. And then I saw the bright side. Sarah Palin is free! She can finally spread her wings and fly! In a helicopter, to shoot wolves.” – Stephen Colbert

“Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin resigned yesterday, and during her speech, she was heckled. Apparently, it was just someone in Russia yelling, ‘Keep it down over there!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Oh, now here is the big fun over the weekend. Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, stepped down. It was a moving day for Sarah Palin. She went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.” – David Letterman

“In her final speech as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin compared herself to a grizzly bear. Her exact words were, ‘I have the public speaking ability of a grizzly bear.'” – Conan O’Brien

“People say, ‘Well, what will the Governor do now?’ And I’ll tell you. She’s going back to her old job as perfume spritzer at Nordstrom.” – David Letterman

“But I thought her remarks were very thoughtful. In her farewell address, she warned people of the military-industrial complex. Sarah Palin says look out for the military-industrial complex. And she also reminded folks that doughnuts make you hippy.” – David Letterman

“And I thought this was only to be expected. Sarah Palin took a swipe at certain people in the media. Gosh, I wonder who she had in mind.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: ‘What’s your military policy? What is your stance on global warming? And where’s our money?'” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, said that Twitter is now blocked on every White House computer. Gibbs said: ‘Sorry, I will not give a specific reason on why we are blocking Twitter. This concerns international White House … O.K., it was Biden. He was playing around again.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Critics of the federal stimulus plan say that millions of dollars are being wasted on fixing up bathrooms at our national parks. They may be right, because, this week, they turned Old Faithful into a bidet.” – Conan O’Brien

“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.” – Craig Ferguson

“Over the weekend, the President of France fainted while jogging. First of all, what kind of president of France is jogging? He should be smoking!” – Craig Ferguson

“He’s all right now. But for a couple of minutes, he was so woozy he mistook his wife for his mistress.” – Craig Ferguson