“I know why you’re happy today: racism is over, and we did it with beer. We did it with beer! See, this is the change we can believe in, that Obama was always talking about. Black Americans and white Americans coming together to get shitfaced. When you think about what could have been accomplished if they lit up a joint. Wow. … If they had lit up a joint and then said, ‘This incident is completely forgotten,’ that would really have the ring of truth.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama, Professor Gates, and Officer Crowley had their beer summit. And the big surprise was they were joined by Vice President Biden. That was the surprise, yeah. The highlight of the evening was when Officer Crowley told Biden, ‘You have the right to remain silent.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Last night — I’m sure you heard — President Obama had the Harvard professor and the police officer who arrested him over to the White House to talk, and more importantly, get stinking drunk together. Vice President Biden was there, too. This is interesting. Apparently, Joe Biden was upset that Obama had put his foot in the mouth by saying that the Cambridge police acted stupidly, because that’s normally his thing.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“No, it was a great summit, the beer summit, and I think it’s important to note what Sergeant Crowley said. He said, ‘It’s funny. The guys back at the station always joke how they wished they had a beer for every time a black man was arrested. And now it came true.'” – Bill Maher
“I don’t think he’s a racist. I don’t. I think he’s a cop. Seriously. But there was one little awkward moment when he arrived at the White House and got out of the car and he threw Obama the keys.” – Bill Maher
“And then, when Sonia Sotomayor came out with the guacamole, I said, ‘What the hell is going on here?’ … People were so fascinated about what beer they were drinking. Apparently Gates had Red Stripe. … And Crowley had Blue Moon. And Obama, just to screw with the conservatives, had a forty of King Cobra.” – Bill Maher
“Now, this was awkward. He actually had a Bud Light. At one point, Obama said he had Bud. And the professor took out his pipe.” – Bill Maher
“The White House is big, and it can be very a confusing place when you’re buzzed. Apparently, the president woke up this morning spooning Rahm Emanuel.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This is nice, though, President Obama served Professor Gates and Officer Crowley beer and pretzels. Did you know that? Pretzels. Yeah, it’s the first time pretzels have been served at the White House since the time one attacked President Bush. Remember that one?” – Conan O’Brien
“But they had a beer or two or three or maybe four. And then I guess things really got wild. About 2:30 this morning, Obama declared war on Iceland because he decided it wasn’t icy enough.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But apparently, it went so well that the professor and Crowley plan to meet again. But not at the White House. It’s a little tense there.” – Bill Maher
“This is good, though. Last night’s meeting went so well, Gates and Crowley plan to meet again. Isn’t that nice? … Yeah. Apparently they’ll meet the next time Gates tries to get into his own house. It’s a habit now that’s hard to break.” – Conan O’Brien
“They want to meet at a place where both men just feel comfortable walking into. Like Gates’ house. And if that goes well, then they’re going to be paired up on ‘Dancing With The Stars.'” – Bill Maher
“What a crowd last night. Phew! Couldn’t really blame them. The show was awful. It did not go well. Show last night did not go well. Afterwards, I get a call from President Obama, and he said I acted ‘stupidly.'” – David Letterman
“Everything’s OK now. President Obama has invited myself and Sarah Palin down to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman
“Thank you all for coming to my beer summit. I’m so happy. I read online today that, this morning, President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 48%. Or as George Bush calls it, ‘kickin’ ass.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama said today that Congress probably won’t vote on his health care bill until October. Yeah, what’s the rush, Congress? Take your time. It’s not like there’s some crazy flu epidemic out there or anything like that. Swine!” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, Nancy Pelosi accused insurance companies of deliberately trying to kill the health care bill. Pelosi was so angry that she started arranging her face into a scowl.” – Jimmy Fallon
“One program that is an unqualified success — that’s working — the Cash for Clunkers. Have you done this? Have you traded in your clunker? See, you can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in for a new, gas-guzzling clunker. 250,000 people have already done this. … For the first time in years, people in Kentucky can see their front yard.” – Bill Maher
“Some people have misunderstood this concept of trading old for new. For example, today, South Carolina Governor Sanford tried to drop off his wife” – Bill Maher
“Only 42% of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That’s an amazing statistic. How come in America, Christians are the ones who won’t take anything on faith?” – Bill Maher
“It’s been reported that Larry King has opened a Twitter account. Yep. So far his tweets have been, ‘My name’s Larry,’ ‘I like pie’ and ‘Who moved the toilet?'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama’s awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Stephen Hawking. Not for his work in physics; just for being the voice that inspired Kanye West” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama — and the guy’s been hardworking. I mean, we don’t know if he’s getting anything done, but he’s sure hardworking. … And so, he’s going on vacation. They’re going to be on Martha’s Vineyard. They’ve rented a big beach house on Martha’s Vineyard for the summer. I want to tell you something — nothing says ‘vacation’ like two weeks on an island with your mother-in-law.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin left office on Sunday. She’s just not sitting around. A lot of people are thinking, ‘Oh, what’s she going to do?’ Reality TV show! That’s what she’s got. ‘Todd And Sarah Plus Eight.’ Look out, look out.” – David Letterman
“No longer governor of Alaska, so whenever she waves at Russia, nobody waves back.” – David Letterman
