Political Irony

© Jen Sorensen

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it’s one of those books that’s all words.” -Conan O’Brien

“Dick Cheney is back in the news. He’s talking about his memoirs. Cheney said that George George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their Administration. And in Bush’s defense, I think it’s pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Apparently Dick Cheney, is coming out with a memoir, and he said during the second term, Bush stopped taking his advice. That has got to hurt. When the most gullible man in America stops buying your bullshit. … It’s so annoying when your boss is disobedient.” -Bill Maher

“And this happens with every administration. I mean, Obama only listened to Joe Biden for — never.” -Jimmy Fallon

“It’s been reported that former Vice President Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. It’s called ‘The Five People You Meet in Hell.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Cheney also explained that the statute of limitations has expired on remaining silent about the Bush administration. Meanwhile, George Bush said: ‘I love the statue of limitations. Beautiful lady. Is the torch open? Got to climb in the torch.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“Former President Bill Clinton was recently asked about his wife Hillary’s 11-day trip to Africa. And he said, ‘I wish she were home.’ Then he said, ‘By which, I mean, I wish her home was Africa.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Speaking of former President Clinton — have you heard about this? There are two American male hikers and one female hiker imprisoned in Iran. Some people are saying Bill Clinton should go rescue them. When asked about the idea, Clinton said, ‘I am one third on it.'” -Conan O’Brien

© Joel Pett

“Over the past week, congressmen have been holding town hall meetings across the country. They’ve been disrupted by angry protesters who are against Obama’s new healthcare plan. And things could have gotten violent, but nobody could afford to get hurt. So, it was very peaceful protesting.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Apparently, Obama’s plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama has been explaining his healthcare plan now to senior citizens. And yesterday, at a town hall meeting, he promised the crowd that he will not, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Then, there was an awkward moment when Grandpa stood up and booed.” – Conan O’Brien

“During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama tried to make a point about private companies and the government providing the same services. He said UPS and FedEx are doing just fine; it’s the Post Office that’s always having problems. That’s probably going to anger some postal workers but what’s the worst that could happen?” – Jimmy Fallon

“But at the same meeting, he said twice that the AARP supports his healthcare plan, even though the AARP hasn’t endorsed it. He’s probably thinking of that other senior citizens group. What’s the name? Oh, yeah, Congress.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A company in Michigan is trying to make Americans healthier by sending out ice cream trucks stocked only with fruits and vegetables. It’s not going so well, because all the trucks have been turned over and burned by angry, fat kids.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday in Africa, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lost her temper at a college student when he asked her a question about her husband’s opinion on a certain issue. She got mad. I can understand why she got upset, because the question was, ‘Who’s hotter? Megan Fox or Eva Longoria?'” – Conan O’Brien

“No, both Clintons, all over the news. While Hillary’s in Africa Bill Clinton’s in Las Vegas celebrating his birthday, which begs the question why is Bill the one who woke up 10 feet from a goat?” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, GM announced they’ll be releasing a car that gets 230 miles a gallon. And today, Nissan said their new car’s going to get 367 miles a gallon. It’s crazy.” – Conan O’Brien

“In a related story, Toyota just announced their new car will get 500 miles per gallon, plant rain forests, and give birth to endangered pandas. So, that’s the one you want.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new report that just came out, NASA doesn’t have enough money to track all the giant asteroids that could crash into Earth. NASA says we shouldn’t worry though because they’ve given the job to Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck.” – Conan O’Brien