Political Irony

“It’s time for Health Care Town Hall Snaps! You better hope Blue Cross doesn’t consider ‘ugly’ a pre-existing condition! Oh, damn! Your mama’s so dumb, she thinks the public option is a port-a-potty! Your mama’s so old, we’re going to get together a panel and euthanize her. No. Sorry that was too real.” -Jon Stewart (watch the video)

“Are you folks familiar with the Cash for Clunkers program? I’m feeling pretty good about this. I think the government owes me some money because we must have had at least a dozen clunkers on last night’s show.” -David Letterman

“Happy birthday to former President Bill Clinton — 63 years old. And you know, when someone famous like that has a birthday, people think, well, should we get him something? Don’t worry about Bill. He’s fine. He’s doing great. His wife is out of the country most of the time. He couldn’t be happier.” -David Letterman

“Yesterday, Bill Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama, and then Hillary Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama. I mean, something is going on with the Clintons. Obama can’t even get them together in the White House for a beer.” -David Letterman

“Are you despondent and confused about the healthcare issue in this country? Thank God I don’t have to worry about health coverage. I’m with CBS. When I die, I get a guest shot on the ‘Ghost Whisperer.’ But the one drawback — when I get sick, the only doctor I can see is Dr. Phil.” -David Letterman

“I didn’t think this day would come. Squeaky Fromme tried to assassinate President General Ford. She’s been let out of prison. She was paroled. Is she going to get a job? If you think about it, there aren’t many jobs for unstable, gun-toting women, unless she wants to run for governor of Alaska.” -David Letterman

“I’d like to apologize for that joke.” -David Letterman

“Squeaky Fromme has been in prison since the ’70s for trying to shoot President Gerald Ford. Out of prison now. But she’s described as an unstable gun nut. Here’s how unstable and nutty she is. Even Dick Cheney won’t go hunting with her.” -David Letterman

© Matt Wuerker

“You remember John Edwards? He finally admitted he’s the father of his mistress’ baby after denying it for over a year. So it’s a pretty classic case of whoever denied it, supplied it.” -Jimmy Fallon

“A paternity test revealed John Edwards is in fact the biological father of his mistress’ child. Yep, experts say they could tell it was Edwards’ DNA cause it kept grooming itself in the microscope.” -Conan O’Brien

“Edwards says he’s ashamed, he can hardly look at himself in the mirror. On the bright side, that frees up an extra 4 hours a day for him.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Fortunately, some good news came out of the whole thing, he agreed to join Bristol Palin on the abstinence tour.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Every time I turn on the television this week, all I see is angry mobs of chunky old white people. You know I wasn’t for these death panels before, but I’m starting to come around.” -Bill Maher

“Who knew that electing a black man with a foreign sounding name would make rural white people insane? I don’t know how we didn’t see that coming.” -Bill Maher

“During the election, these people could not quite put their finger on why they didn’t like Barack Obama, it was something…now they know, he’s for death panels. That’s what it was, death panels.” -Bill Maher

“And who put this idea in their heads? Sarah Palin, who has settled in to her job very well, an unemployed right-wing blogger. Apparently Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to spend more time on Facebook. I’m serious. She’s on Facebook every day now. Because this is the proper forum to confront the President of the United States on the most important issue of our day, a social networking site for teenagers.” -Bill Maher

“In her case I can see how pulling the plug on brain-dead people would be threatening.” -Bill Maher

“It does seem to be a tad ironic that she’s so against killing old people because she’s the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign.” -Bill Maher

“Everyone’s on vacation right now. President’s taking a vacation at this very moment, you hear this? Tomorrow President Obama is taking his family to Yellowstone Park to see Ol’ Faithful, isn’t that nice? Yea. And meanwhile, Hillary Clinton returns from overseas to see Ol’ Unfaithful.” -Conan O’Brien

“President Obama was in Montana today. That’s right. He met with residents, he held a town meeting and then he went fly-fishing. It’s true. Montana residents came from miles around for the once in a lifetime chance to see a black guy fly-fishing.” -Conan O’Brien

“An 11-year old boy interviewed President Obama, and the boy asked Obama what to do about bullying. That’s right. The response Obama said, ‘Shut up, nerd.’ And he shoved the kid.” -Conan O’Brien

© Lalo Alcaraz