Political Irony

“This is weird. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il recently met with the C.E.O. of Hyundai. Apparently, the story is Hyundai wants to build cars in North Korea while Kim wants to use their windshields as sunglasses.” – Conan O’Brien

“You folks have been following, probably, the elections in Afghanistan. You know what’s going on over there? Hamid Karzai and those boys running an election over there and there’s now charges of election irregularities. I didn’t see that coming.” – David Letterman

“Apparently, they say there was cheating, voter intimidation, miscounted votes, and one of the candidates may have been sleeping with Paula Abdul.” – David Letterman

“But one of the guys on the ballot is a candidate named Abdullah Abdullah. He had what I thought was a great campaign slogan if you’re running for office in Afghanistan. You know the slogan? It’s ‘Is your goat better off today than it was four years ago?'” – David Letterman

“President Obama, I found out about an hour ago, they’re saying, took five books with him on vacation. … Of course, President Bush took five books on his vacation, but four of them were backup copies of ‘Goodnight Moon.'” – Conan O’Brien

“When you’re President of the United States, you don’t get a vacation, you don’t get time off, it’s around the clock, 365 — For example, today, President Obama had to interrupt his vacation to announce the appointment once again of Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke. In order to keep him, they promised to give him the 10 p.m. slot.” – David Letterman

“But if you remember, the chairman of the Fed used to be Alan Greenspan, and then in 2006, I think Ben Bernanke replaced him after Greenspan got in trouble for organizing dogfights. Do you remember that?” – David Letterman

“The White House is denying rumors that President Obama has plans to play a round of golf with Tiger Woods, although Obama is planning to ask Tiger Woods if the government can borrow $300 trillion.” – Conan O’Brien

“There’s talk that the elections last week in Afghanistan were rigged. Boy, I didn’t see that coming.” – David Letterman

“Couple of years ago down in Cuba, Fidel Castro they thought, oh, he might be dying because he had some kind of surgery and he is an older fellow, in is 80s. But now, over the weekend, it’s all Fidel Castro. He is everywhere. And he was on television. He looked fit. He looked healthy. He looked happy. He was so impressive, as a matter of fact, CIA is actually thinking of sending Squeaky Fromme down there to take a shot at him.” – David Letterman

“Meteorologists are now saying Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression. They say Bill officially hit the depression stage after a surprise run-in with Hurricane Hillary.” – Conan O’Brien

“Speaking of former President Clinton, this is weird. Former President Clinton recently had to clear out of his office for a few days because it’s infested with bed bugs. Experts are calling it the 500th reason President Clinton shouldn’t be allowed to have a bed in his office.” – Conan O’Brien

“Barack Obama is taking a vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. Earlier today, you know, bound to happen, awkward moment. He is out on the beach, runs into John McCain looking for coins with a metal detector.” – David Letterman

“But President Obama says he’s going to play golf, he’s going to swim, and he’s going to work his way through the Julia Child cookbook.” – David Letterman

“But Obama is spending the week at a $30,000 dollar-a-week beach house. And they call this guy a socialist? Come on!” – David Letterman

“But Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.” – David Letterman

“Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is Clorox bleach. That’s amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far.” – Conan O’Brien

“Well, ‘cash for clunkers’ ended today. But they’re coming out with a new ‘cash for clunkers’ program that will give consumers a rebate when they trade in old home appliances. Have you heard that? It’s great news for anyone who owns a Buick toaster oven.” – Conan O’Brien

“Anybody take advantage of the government’s ‘cash for clunkers’ program? I was able to unload a couple of shows from last week.” – David Letterman

“Miss Venezuela is our new Miss Universe, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful, beautiful. She came out dressed as a barrel of overpriced oil.” – David Letterman

“But the Miss Universe pageant is fascinating. It’s judged on poise — you have to have poise — judged on beauty, and also how you walk in high heels. What a coincidence, it’s also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate. The same criteria.” – David Letterman

“Have you seen these town hall meetings about the health care? People are screaming. And I’ll tell you, because if there’s one thing Americans hate, it’s comprehensive health coverage.” – David Letterman

“Polls now are showing that people are actually believing the right-wing corporate-inspired myths about health care, and that’s why this is going down the tubes. Forty-five percent of the people in this country believe that the government will now get to decide to pull the plug on grandma. Fifty-five percent think that the health care overhaul will give coverage to illegal immigrants. And the same number think Obama is an illegal immigrant. Fifty-five percent think it will cover abortions.” – Bill Maher

“Congress has been agonizing over health care for months now. Squabbling, fighting, the town hall meetings going crazy. Meanwhile, while they’re arguing about health care, we’re stuck in two wars that were rubber-stamped in about 10 minutes. What? How does that make any sense when you think about it?” – David Letterman

“And then there’s the people who come to the town hall meetings about health care and think that Obama is going to do the same thing that Hitler did. I mean, what can’t you tell these people that they won’t believe? I could start a rumor right now. I could say, you know what? Under Obama’s health care plan, when you bring your child to a pediatrician, from now on, when he’s done, instead of giving him a balloon, he’s going to give the kid a condom. Stupid is a preexisting condition, yes.” – Bill Maher

“People are always saying to me, ‘Well, Dave, are you worried?’ No, I’m not worried about health care, and I’ll tell you why. Because I’m with CBS. … They have a tremendous health care plan. And here’s what it is. Simply, when I die, I get to appear on a ‘CSI’ show as a corpse.” – David Letterman

“And apparently, it’s now no longer enough to be screaming as they’ve been doing at the town hall meetings. They’re now bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth.” –Bill Maher

“That’s what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell ‘AK-47!’ and a lady yelled, ‘Bingo!'” –Bill Maher

“I’ll tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if I want to see a death panel, I’ll tune into a George Stephanopoulos roundtable.” – David Letterman

“Speaking of death panels, Dick Cheney said, ‘Death panels! Count me in!'” – David Letterman

“And they’re also bringing guns to events with the president of the United States. Did you see these people with the assault rifles? There was a guy — and it was a black guy — holding a big assault rifle, which is terrible news for white people. I mean, first we lose our dominance over music, then sports, then golf, then the presidency. Now, black people are taking over the gun-toting redneck industry.” – Bill Maher

“Dick Cheney has a brand new book. It’s a memoir about his life and times, and I believe the title of it is called, ‘Too Fat to Waterboard.'” – David Letterman

“I didn’t know this, but according to the book, there was a time when President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney weren’t speaking. They got into a fight and they weren’t speaking. It really got so bad that earlier today, President Obama invited them both to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman

“And Cheney said that President Bush, there was a point during the second term, that he stopped listening to the vice president. George Bush stopped listening to his vice president. And I said to myself, ‘Whoa. Well, maybe this guy wasn’t as dumb as we thought.'” – David Letterman

“But the president, he always stays cool. He’s starting his vacation and going to Martha’s Vineyard on Sunday with the family, renting an estate that costs $30,000 a week. Republicans are saying that makes him seem aloof and uncaring. And that is their job!” – Bill Maher

“But it’s his first week-long vacation that he’s had since he became president, which is quite a contrast with George Bush. Because George Bush, during his first eight years in office, he was on vacation a grand total of eight years.” – Bill Maher

© Tom Toles

“Ladies and gentlemen, before I came out here, I got some early results from the Afghanistanian election. And this just in, apparently Al Franken is ahead.” – David Letterman

“You folks excited about the Afghanistan election? Well, don’t get too excited because there’s already reports of irregularities in Broward and Dade County.” – David Letterman

“The current Afghan president, Hamid Karzai, is opposed by the Taliban. You know the Taliban? Over here, the Taliban, we call them healthcare protestors.” – David Letterman

“You think campaigning is difficult here in the United States. You try campaigning in Afghanistan. You ever try to put a bumper sticker on a camel? I mean, come on.” – David Letterman

“How about this Brett Favre guy? He retires, then un-retires, then he retires, then he un-retires, then he retires and un-retires, then he retires again and un-retires. Now he’s playing for the Minnesota Vikings. And it’s not easy. I’m not saying he’s old, but he’s getting older. Before playing, he had to pass a rigorous physical and also a death panel.” – David Letterman

“They did this survey of money down there in Washington, D.C. I’m talking about cash money. And they found that 90% of all of our currency has traces of the drug cocaine on it. Yeah. And I said, ‘Well no wonder Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is so crazy!'” – David Letterman

“Here’s something else came to us from a new survey. You folks like to eat fish? You enjoy seafood? Boy, I do. When they got done testing money in Washington, they tested fish in the United States. And they found out that every single fish in the test contained mercury. Jeremy Piven said, ‘Well who’s laughing now?'” – David Letterman

“But you know, this is a great thing about the United States of America. We take any situation, make it something good. You know, we are a glass half full country. Mrs. Paul’s, the fish sticks people, they heard about the mercury in the fish and they’ve come out now with a tasty new fish stick which you can also use to take your temperature.” – David Letterman

“Wait a minute, hey. What is this, an audience or a death panel?” – David Letterman