Political Irony

“Barack Obama and his family took a vacation on Martha’s vineyard and they’re back. And the President now has asked all of the major networks for some air time tomorrow night to show his vacation photos.” – David Letterman

“But now here’s the deal. When are you a president, you can’t do anything. People always looking for you to make some kind of trouble for you. Did you see the picture of Barack Obama out bicycling with the kids? He’s not wearing a helmet. And people are all over him now. And I, well, I hope this guy has got some pretty good health insurance.” – David Letterman

“I believe the President is the most prominent Democrat to go without protection since John Edwards.” – David Letterman

“Reporters in Washington are saying that President Obama’s hair has gotten visibly grayer in the seven months since he took office. Amazingly, each of his gray hairs is the result of a black hair and a white hair being brought together by Obama last year.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s interesting to me that since they’ve been out of office, Dick Cheney has really got his nose out of joint. Have you noticed this? He’s out there. He’s upset. He’s attacking people. He’s shooting his mouth off. And now he is criticizing the Obama Administration for looking into the CIA torture policy. He says ‘You shouldn’t be looking into the CIA torturing policy.’ He made that announcement, then he went back to his private island to hunt human prey.” – David Letterman

“But Cheney says he won’t cooperate with the prisoner abuse program probe. The only way we cooperate is if he tortures himself into talking. And he said, ‘I’m not going to do that.'” – David Letterman

“Cheney accused Obama of setting a ‘terrible precedent.’ That’s what Cheney said, Obama is setting a ‘terrible precedent,’ not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That’s a different deal.” – David Letterman

“In a new interview, Dick Cheney says former President Bush ignored his advice to take military action against Iran’s nuclear program. That’s true. Bush also ignored Cheney’s advice to attack Switzerland, Jamaica, and Antarctica.” – Conan O’Brien

“Well, it’s back. You know what I’m talking about. Swine flu. And they say now this year it may be worse than ever. And I was thinking, well, thank God we fixed our healthcare system.” – David Letterman

“In Afghanistan, a presidential candidate named Abdullah Abdullah says there has been election fraud, and that he deserves to be president. Abdullah Abdullah said, ‘They’re going to hear from my lawyer, Shapiro Shapiro.'” – Conan O’Brien

“There was a minor earthquake in South Carolina. As a matter of fact, Governor Sanford, because of the minor earthquake, was actually knocked on to his wife.” – David Letterman

“And you know, now they’re talking that Governor Sanford may be impeached for having an affair. And today, he was made an honorary Democrat, so congratulations.” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin announced that she will make her first trip to Asia in September, where she’ll be giving a speech in Hong Kong. Palin says she’s thrilled because Hong Kong and Asia are two of her favorite places.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Do you remember when George W. Bush was the President? Eight years of big time fun. And he had the daughters, the Bush twins. And well, listen to this. One of the Bush twins, Jenna, 27 years old now, not just a kid. So now, listen this. Jenna Bush — talk about a great gig — is going to be on the ‘Today’ show. And if there is anything this country needs, it’s more of that family. They can’t get enough.” – David Letterman

“Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the ‘Today’ show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway.” – Craig Ferguson

“Big announcement at NBC. George Bush’s daughter, Jenna, was just hired as a correspondent on the ‘Today’ show. The show said they wanted someone who would make Kathie Lee look sober.” – Jimmy Fallon

“And I just hope she has her father’s facility with words. That would be nice.” – David Letterman

“They say Jenna will contribute about once a month. It’s the same schedule her old man had.” – David Letterman

“The Obama family is taking a vacation up there in Martha’s Vineyard, it is a good time for the president to take a vacation, I think. I mean, everything is fixed, right? Why not knock off? And they are talking about Obama may play a round of golf with Tiger Woods. That is a little different than President Clinton on vacation, he just liked to play around.” – David Letterman

“Publishers are saying that every time President Obama is seen reading a book on his vacation, sales of that book skyrocket, go through the roof. It’s incredible. Yeah. And historians are saying we experienced this before when President Bush was photographed reading ‘Everybody Poops.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Health care debate, of course, still rages. John McCain in the middle of the debate now. Earlier this week, in a television interview, John McCain said he has never experienced anything like the current debate on health care. Then McCain turned to the camera and said, ‘I’ve also never experienced anything like the rich, bold flavor of lemon zest Metamucil.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Celebrity birthdays, happy birthday John McCain, 73 years old tomorrow. And if you are looking for a gift, you can’t go wrong with something from the Very Old Navy.” – David Letterman

“McCain has had a tremendous career, ran for president, Sarah Palin was his running mate for vice president, and now, and now I don’t know, he is at Applebee’s blowing on his soup.” – David Letterman

“California is trying very hard to get out of debt. I can’t believe this. The government of California is holding a garage sale to raise money for the state. A garage sale, ladies and gentlemen. Now, folks, even if you don’t really need anything, this may be your only chance to haggle with Governor Schwarzenegger over a $2 spatula.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today and tomorrow, the state of California is having a big garage sale up in Sacramento. Which is probably not a good sign for the economy, when the largest state in the union is holding a garage sale to pay its debts. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, actually signed a lot of the items for sale, I guess to raise their value.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know, a garage sale is fine, but we owe $30 billion. If we really want to make money, forget the garage sale, take some of that confiscated pot and have a bake sale.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ladies and gentlemen, I didn’t even realize this until this morning, Sunday will be the 16th anniversary of Paul and myself doing the show here at CBS. Sixteen. And that is assuming I make it past tomorrow’s death panel interview.” – David Letterman

© Matt Wuerker

© Nick Anderson

© Tom Toles

“There’s a big presidential election in Afghanistan. And President Hamid Karzai’s opponent is a man called Abdullah Abdullah. Apparently, his campaign slogan is, ‘The Abdullah so nice, they named him twice.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Here’s the way it stands now. Hamid Karzai is leading in the election and he picked up a lot of swing voters, they said, in the Afghanistan elections, because of his No Infidel Left Behind program.” – David Letterman

“One of the candidates, Abdullah Abdullah, has dropped out of the running, and they think now his dumb son is thinking about running, Abdullah W. Abdullah.” – David Letterman

“Boy oh, boy, they got a new memo from the CIA talking about torture activities. Don’t you love that kind of stuff? … Here’s the approved CIA torture methods: sleep deprivation; waterboarding; face slapping. Sounds like attending a Donald trump real estate seminar, or watching a Ben Bernanke confirmation hearing.” – David Letterman

“Anyway, he’s being re-nominated for the Federal Reserve chairman. And I’m already planning my big Ben Bernanke party.” – David Letterman

“I like Ben Bernanke. He looks like the guy who OK’s your check at Kroger.” – David Letterman

“He looks like every guy at your high school reunion.” – David Letterman

“He looks like a porn kingpin. That’s it. Ben Bernanke, that’s what he looks like.” – David Letterman

“Boy, it’s hot in New York City today, huh? I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking, OK, OK, go ahead and pull the plug on the old folks, just don’t pull the plug on the air conditioner.” – David Letterman

“The Obamas taking a vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. When something like that happens, it’s like a big deal for the community. And people on Martha’s Vineyard are going crazy and they’re buying Obama T-shirts, they’re buying Obama mugs, they’re buying Obama caps. The only thing they’re not buying is Obama’s health-care plan.” – David Letterman

“But on Martha’s Vineyard, they’re serving a new drink inspired by Obama. It’s an Obamarita. After three Obamaritas, a $9 trillion deficit doesn’t look so bad.” – David Letterman

“This is not the first time a president has inspired a cocktail. We have the Obamarita. And remember George W. Bush? He inspired the Mojidiot.” – David Letterman

“Obama has a great money-saving idea for health care. Here’s what he’s saying — if you need an X-ray and you don’t have the money or you don’t have proper health coverage and you need that X-ray, just drop by an airport, go right through the scanner. They’ll send you the results.” – David Letterman

“The latest rumor is that President Obama is going to have dinner on Martha’s Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. The most powerful person in the free world is going to have dinner with President Obama.” – Conan O’Brien

“Governor Schwarzenegger is trying to reduce California’s deficit by auctioning off state holdings that he says are no longer needed. So check out the auction if you’re looking to buy real estate, construction equipment, or the Los Angeles Clippers.” – Conan O’Brien

“General Motors has announced it’s going to be removing its GM ‘Mark of Excellence’ logo from all GM cars. Of course, the GM Mark of Excellence logo doesn’t usually have to be removed because after 50 miles, it just falls off.” – Conan O’Brien

© Tom Tomorrow