Political Irony

“President Obama giving a lot of very important speeches. He gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, you know, this was a big stink about this. President Obama spoke to the kids, the school kids, and people were upset. They said, ‘Hey, whoa, no!’ They were upset that he was going to somehow — that it would be some sort of political thing, he was trying to brainwash the kids. Here’s what he said. He said to the kids, ‘Hey, kids’ — that’s how he opened — ‘work hard, get good grades, be constructive members of society.’ Well, that Commie. Come on, what’s he trying to pull? What’s going on here?” – David Letterman

“Yesterday, when President Obama addressed the country’s schoolchildren, he told them to stop dreaming about becoming professional athletes. In fact, it was the same exact speech Obama gave last year to the Los Angeles Clippers.” – Conan O’Brien

“Florida’s Republican governor, Charlie Crist, got a hold of President Obama’s speech to students in advance, because everyone was talking about how controversial it might be. He decided there was nothing partisan and he allowed his kids to watch it. Of course, like everyone else in Florida, Crist’s kids are in their late 60s.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama gave his big pitch to a joint session of Congress tonight. A joint session of Congress is very rare. It’s when the House and Senate get baked out of their minds and have a session of Congress.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama gave his speech before a joint session of Congress, and college students across the country held a joint session before watching it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Did you see president Obama’s address to Congress? It was on earlier tonight. It must have gone well because NBC is going to run it five nights a week. You know that’s a sign of success.” – Craig Ferguson

“It was big night on television tonight. And instead of showing President Obama’s healthcare speech that was on tonight, Fox aired its season premiere of ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’ I guess they wanted to give viewers a choice between hearing what’s wrong with our country and watching what’s wrong with our country.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Fox aired ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ and ‘Glee.’ So, you’ll probably spend the next couple of days explaining the healthcare plan to your gay friends.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Then, earlier tonight, President Obama spoke to Congress to explain his healthcare plan and Speaker Nancy Pelosi is very happy because apparently her Botox is covered, so that’s good.” – David Letterman

“And also under the healthcare plan, pop stars will still be able to choose their own creepy personal physicians. So that’ll be good.” – David Letterman

“But Obama’s been trying to pass a healthcare plan. Meanwhile, John McCain is trying to pass a kidney stone.” – David Letterman

“The University of Wyoming recently announced they are naming an international student center after former Vice President Dick Cheney because if there are two things that make you think ‘welcome foreigners’, it’s Dick Cheney and Wyoming.” – Conan O’Brien

“The University of Wyoming will open the new Dick Cheney Center for International Students. Cheney is planning on attending. He’s going to take part in the ceremonial ribbon shooting.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Dick Cheney Center for International Students. It’s just two buildings over from the George W. Bush Institute for Pretzel Safety.” – Jimmy Fallon

“And how about Dick Cheney? Remember when Dick Cheney was Vice President for eight years and you never heard anything out of Dick Cheney? Here’s what we knew about Dick Cheney. Always at an undisclosed location and the other thing is he shot his buddy in the face; those are the only two things we knew about Dick Cheney.” – David Letterman

“Now, we can’t keep him quiet. He’s talking about maybe running for president in 2012. And he says he’s willing to return to the White House, he’ll go back to the White House, but only if he can bring his assistant, Egor.” – David Letterman

“Cheney’s got a great campaign slogan. It says, ‘Are you better off now than you were four heart attacks ago?'” – David Letterman

“At a press conference this week, NASA made a big announcement. They announced that they’ve created a magnetic device that can levitate mice. NASA’s spokesperson said, ‘If you don’t let us go to Mars, this is the kind of stupid crap we’re going to do.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Here’s kind of an interesting deal. This is the sort of thing that happens only in the United States and I guess we’re happy about that. You go onto the eBay, and you can bid on having dinner. You fly to Alaska and have dinner with the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. And the bidding starts at $25,000. I know a lot of people think that’s a pretty steep price to pay but you get an appetizer, you get entrée, and ammo. So, not that bad.” – David Letterman

“And for an extra $1,000, she’ll treat you like John McCain and cut up your meat.” – David Letterman

“But Sarah Palin, very serious now she’s out of office up there in Alaska. She wrote a critique of President Obama’s health care plan and then she went back to seating customers at the Olive Garden.” – David Letterman

“Earlier today, President Obama delivered a speech to America’s schoolchildren. And he encouraged them to work hard and study hard. Yeah, then he said if that doesn’t work, grab the seat next to the Asian kid.” – Conan O’Brien

“The President also said that kids — he told them if they study hard, the United States will continue to prosper. Then he added, ‘But just to be safe, bone up on your Chinese.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama addressed the United States schoolchildren. He had like a speech and it went right to the classes and the kids. Then I thought, wait a minute. He might be trying a little too hard. You know what I’m talking about? At the end he invited all the kids to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman

“President Obama told them, this is a quote, ‘Be careful what you post on Facebook.’ That’s what he said. Obama then told them about bad things that could happen, like the time he accidentally friended Joe Biden.” – Conan O’Brien

“A lot of people were upset. They said that Obama was going to get in there in the schoolrooms and start brainwashing the kids. At first I was skeptical. But I was talking to my son after he came home from school today. Honest to God, he said, ‘Must have socialized medicine.'” – David Letterman

“Obama said if he could have dinner with anyone in history — he was asked this — he said if he could have dinner with anyone in history he would pick Gandhi. That’s right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, very good answer. Yeah. Yeah, Obama says he picked Gandhi because he’d get to eat two entrees.” – Conan O’Brien

“Obama told the kids to work hard and listen to their teachers. Ladies and gentlemen, what a load of socialist propaganda. Work hard and listen to your teachers? I don’t think so.” – David Letterman

“During his speech to American school children earlier today, President Obama said that what you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. But no pressure.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The President also told the kids that sleep is very important because it helps the development of the brain. Sleep very important. That’s what the President said. He told the kids sleep is so important that they should go to bed right after Jay.” – David Letterman

“Some Republicans were so mad about Obama’s speech to schoolchildren, they had Dick Cheney give a rebuttal. He showed kids the proper way to stuff a geek into a locker.” – Craig Ferguson

“There’s a rumor that Dick Cheney, Vice President Dick Cheney, may run for president in 2012. 2012. No, no. That’s his cholesterol.” – David Letterman

“They said to Dick Cheney, really, seriously, why would you think about after eight years as Vice President, why would you think about running for president? Cheney said, ‘Well, I still get a kick out of starting wars.'” – David Letterman

“I remember when the Obamas first moved in and the Bush girls were giving the Obama girls a tour of the White House. And the little girls got scared because they heard the organ music coming from Dick Cheney’s underground dungeon.” – David Letterman

“Labor Day is the great American holiday where we honor American workers by going out and buying products made in China.” – David Letterman

“Former President Bush learned a great deal, a lot of things from Tony Blair. Cheeky. He learned about cheeky. He learned the word fortnight. Learned bangers and mash. And Blair learned some things from George W. Bush: Oops. Uh-oh. Dang.” – David Letterman