“Obama gave his health care speech before Congress, and he was in a mood. He called out some of the liars who have been lying about his plan. And he also said a lot of the opposition to this plan comes from ill-informed crazy people. And to prove it, a shitkicker named Joe Wilson from South Carolina — this asshole with Tourette’s syndrome — screams out ‘You lie!'” – Bill Maher
“You know, I know the president is black, but this is not Showtime at the Apollo.” – Bill Maher
“I thought Obama handled the heckler well. He came with the old ‘I don’t come down to where you work and knock the lobbyist out of your mouth.'” – Bill Maher
“This is unprecedented. This does not go on in the halls of Congress when the president is speaking. Everyone was shocked. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, she took out her compact and drew in her eyebrows all furrowed.” – Bill Maher
“But to be fair, the next day Joe Wilson apologized, he said he didn’t mean to say ‘You Lie.’ He said he mean to say ‘Go back to Africa.'” – Bill Maher
“Today one of President Obama’s advisers called Joe Wilson, the guy who heckled the president, ‘a pimple on the ass of progress.’ That’s true. Yeah, then the adviser stressed that removing a pimple from the ass of progress would be covered under Obama’s health care plan.” – Conan O’Brien
“What’s so ironic is that the health care plan that Mr. Wilson so angrily opposes would get him the prozac he so desperately needs.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama is continuing to push hard for his health care plan. On Sunday night, Obama will be interviewed on ’60 Minutes,’ or as he calls it, ‘the death panel.’ 32.1 million people watched President Obama’s speech to Congress Wednesday, down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress. But to improve ratings for the next one, Obama will replace Nancy Pelosi with Ellen.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s the 8th anniversary of 9/11, and Americans today stopped doing whatever they were doing to sit there, reflect, do nothing, say nothing, just like Bush did eight years ago when he got the news.” – Bill Maher
“At the world trade center site, Joe Biden observed a moment of silence, showing Americans really can do anything.” – Bill Maher
“This is the week that president gave his big health care speech to Congress, making it the second time in the week that he addressed a bunch of children.” – Bill Maher
“The Democrats just never learn: Americans don’t really care which side of an issue you’re on as long as you don’t act like pussies. When Van Jones called the Republicans assholes, he was paying them a compliment. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they’re in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can’t seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen.” – Bill Maher
“Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That’s why they voted for the old guy and Carrie’s mom. You’re not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren’t crazy.” – Bill Maher
“The president keeping busy. Yesterday, at the White House, President Obama welcomed the Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins. Yeah, when asked if he likes hockey, Obama said, ‘What black man from Hawaii doesn’t?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Even though in his speech, Obama said, ‘You lie, I’m not going to kill old people,’ the next day Sarah Palin said on her Facebook page she still believes in death panels. You know what, Sarah, honey, if we were going to get rid of useless people, you would be the first to go.” – Bill Maher
“You can have dinner with Sarah Palin. They’re auctioning it off. Have you heard of it? And the starting bid are $25,000. And this could be exciting. And they say now, unofficially, that for an extra grand, an extra thousand dollars, she’ll actually shoot the main course.” – David Letterman
“The winning bidder gets to have dinner with Sarah Palin. … Dinner with Sarah Palin. I mean, talk about a bridge to nowhere. I mean, my God!” – David Letterman
“Of course, remember those female journalists that were rescued by President Clinton? Well, one of the female journalists freed from North Korea said she’s surprised, ’cause former President Clinton has repeatedly called to check up on her. That’s true. Yeah. Even more surprising, the calls are coming from inside her house.” – Conan O’Brien
