“Of course, you know President Obama yesterday created quite a stir, because he apparently called Kanye West a jackass. Yeah, well, some people are now upset with President Obama for calling Kanye a jackass. They’re upset about it. Yeah, and Joe Biden is furious, because ‘Jackass’ is his Secret Service code name.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Well, here’s a story that won’t go away. Congressman Joe Wilson has refused Democrats’ demand to apologize to Congress on the House floor, to which Kanye West said, ‘I’ll do it. That’s okay, I’ll do it.” – Jay Leno
“Joe Wilson is now the only United States congressman to be formally rebuked for speaking out while the President was giving an address. That could explain his Secret Service codename, ‘Kanye.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Wait, have you heard about this? Oh, I love this. They have new House rules saying members of Congress cannot call the President a liar. They cannot call him a hypocrite. They cannot say he is dishonest. Today, President Bush said, ‘Hey, where were these rules when I was President?'” – Jay Leno
“Hey, if they start banning hypocrites and liars from the floor of Congress, there won’t be anybody in the building.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, former President Jimmy Carter said that Congressman Joe Wilson’s outburst during President Obama’s speech last week was based on racism. When Joe Wilson heard that, he said, ‘I can’t get mad at Jimmy Carter. He’s white.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In Connecticut — this is weird — one of the Republican candidates running for Congress is the former CEO of the W.W.E. wrestling organization, which could be good. Congressmen will be less likely to scream out, ‘You lie!’ if they could get hit with a folding chair.” – Conan O’Brien
‘Yesterday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke said it is ‘very likely’ that the recession is over. I hope this isn’t like when President Bush told us the war in Iraq was over.’ – Jimmy Kimmel
“And a year after the economy collapsed, Goldman Sachs executives gave each other over $11 billion in bonuses. See, what gets me, whenever these Wall Street guys get these huge bonuses they always spend it on something useless, like Senator Chris Dodd. Buy a boat! Get a car.” – Jay Leno
“Osama bin Laden has released yet another new audiotape. See, they’re audiotapes. I don’t think he quite gets the Twitter thing. He can’t — he doesn’t have the opposable thumb, I guess.” – Jay Leno
“Well, listen to this. Here’s some good terrorist gossip. According to a Sudanese novelist who once lived with Osama bin Laden for four months, Osama bin Laden is a huge Whitney Houston fan which is surprising. I mean, considering the way those people treat women, you’d think he’d be a bigger Bobby Brown fan.” – Jay Leno
“They always do this when there’s a holiday, whenever people want something. The latest rumor is there may be a pumpkin shortage this year. They say a chilly, damp summer in the Midwest and Northeast has hurt the pumpkin crop. They say large pumpkins are going to be hard to find. Isn’t that unbelievable? I mean, our pumpkins are getting smaller and thinner, and our trick-or-treaters are getting bigger and fatter.” – Jay Leno
“And in honor of gay marriage now being legal in the state of Vermont, Ben & Jerry’s is now selling ‘Hubby Hubby’ ice cream. You know, if you want to name an ice cream after gay marriage, why not just call it ‘Ben & Jerry’s?'” – Jay Leno
