Political Irony

“It’s opening week at the U.N., ladies and gentlemen. Security is very tight here in New York City. A lot of dictators all over the city. You know what I’ve noticed? Dictators tend to be tiny. Have you noticed this? Kim Jong Il, a tiny little guy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Another guy like this: Mayor Bloomberg.” – David Letterman

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad kicked things off with a hate-filled rant, followed by hors d’oeuvres.” – David Letterman

“Ahmadinejad, quite a speech, that guy. I mean, where is Joe Wilson when you need him, for God’s sakes?” – David Letterman

“This sure should be very exciting at the U.N. General Assembly. It’s being hosted by Neil Patrick Harris.” – David Letterman

“I know that traffic is insane out there. It’s because of the United Nations climate week. And over 150 world leaders are here, including President Obama. It’s good to see all these guys get in their separate cars, commuting back and forth to the U.N., to discuss ways to improve our climate.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier today, President Obama spoke at the U.N. climate change summit. And he promised to get greenhouse gas emissions back to the level they were at in 1990. And just to show you he’s serious to get back to 1990, Obama gave the whole speech dressed as Kid from Kid ‘n Play.” – Conan O’Brien

“Over 150 world leaders in town for the conference. As a result, there’s also 150 mistresses in town. So it’s just a traffic nightmare.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Several heads of state are staying at the Ritz-Carlton over on 59th. Most check in under an alias for security reasons, although I’m pretty sure that I know who Joe Schmiden is.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has angered Eastern Europe after dropping the U.S. missile defense system in the area over there; although President Obama says he hasn’t abandoned them. He says in the event they do get hit by nuclear attack, they will be covered by his health-care plan. So, that is nice.” – Jay Leno

“Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he’s a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he’s facing, now says he’d be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know who was here last night? President Barack Obama was here last night. Politics notwithstanding, what a graceful guy. I mean, after the show, he was nice enough to autograph my swine-flu mask.” – David Letterman

“Actually, did you see Obama the last couple of days – he was on six different TV shows pitching his health-care plan. You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox.” – Jay Leno

“Obama did interviews on five morning shows on Sunday, and then appeared on ‘Letterman’ last night. And today, Joe Biden taped an episode of ‘Cash Cab.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Did you see President Obama on ‘Letterman’ last night? It was very funny. I especially liked the segment, ‘Stupid Biden Tricks.'” – Craig Ferguson

“It was a bit awkward, though, when Paul Schaefer shouted, ‘You lie!'” – Craig Ferguson

“Actually, I’m getting kind of worried about President Obama. He hasn’t been on a TV show for almost 11 hours. Is everything all right? Is he O.K.?” – Jay Leno

“The President has been making a lot of television appearances. On Sunday, he did all five morning news shows, which they say is a record for a president, and last night he was on with David Letterman. The President has been on so many shows lately, even Ryan Seacrest was like, ‘Dude, slow down.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In his first eight months in office, President Obama has made four times as many TV appearances as President Bush. Of course, Bush hated to be on any TV show that didn’t have a ‘Showcase Showdown.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Late last night, Obama was also on the Maury Povich show. Good news, turns out he’s not the father. John Edwards is.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, more problems for Democratic sleazeball, John Edwards. The campaign official who claims he fathered the child of Edwards’ mistress is writing a book where he says Edwards is the real father. So, looks like USC wasn’t the only one playing with bad Trojans.” – Jay Leno

“No, according to The New York Times, a man named Andrew Young, who is a friend of Edwards, has submitted this book proposal where he reveals John Edwards is the father of the child he had with his mistress, Rielle Hunter. We have a copy of the book right here. It’s called, ‘Duh.'” – Jay Leno

“And how awful is this? This book claims that John Edwards tried to calm his mistress down by promising to marry her, after his wife died, in a rooftop wedding ceremony in New York with the Dave Matthews Band as their wedding band. Really, Dave Matthews at the wedding for these two? Wouldn’t Cheap Trick be more appropriate?” – Jay Leno

“There’s a report going around that John Edwards is getting ready to admit that he did father a child with that woman he had an affair with during his presidential campaign. According to ‘The LA Times,’ one of his aides wrote a book proposal in which he claims Edwards convinced him to come forward and say he was the father of the child, which the guy did, even though he was married. Honestly we should make this guy president. If he can convince a man to say he fathered a child he didn’t, he could convince anybody to do anything, right? ‘Come on, China, keep lending us money. We’re good for it.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is all just speculation, you know. We don’t know any of this actually happened and we won’t be certain that the baby belongs to John Edwards until we see how the child’s hair responds to blow drying.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today in New York City, it’s the fifth annual meeting of the Clinton Global Initiative. It’s a very big political event where Bill Clinton gets to spend time with government officials he rarely sees, like Hillary, for example.” – Craig Ferguson

“Also in New York is Bill Clinton, who’s hosting his own Clinton Global Initiative over at the Sheraton Hotel. It’s room 319. Knock three times, ladies.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I’m very excited about the show. I hope you folks are as well because, I’ll tell you what, former President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight. Going to be great. Two old guys talking about their bypasses.” – David Letterman

“Bill Clinton is here for a very important reason. He heard that CBS had an opening in the 10 p.m. slot. Wants to be right there.” – David Letterman

“Actually, you might have noticed, the fall season, begun a little different this year. Even squirrels are kind of distancing themselves from Acorn. Have you noticed that?” – Jay Leno

“Well, you know what’s interesting? Because of all these scandals, the executive director of Acorn, a woman named Bertha Lewis, said Acorn will fire any employees ‘too stupid to understand they are not reaching professional standards.’ Why can’t we get this rule for Congress?” – Jay Leno

“Today’s the first day of autumn, although Sarah Palin said today the dying leaves are because of Obama’s health-care plan.” – Jay Leno

“If you wanted to, you could get on the eBay and you could bid on having dinner with Sarah Palin. Did you know that? Yep, you could bid on it. And the winning bid was $63,000. You get to sit down and have dinner. Of course, you know, for that price – people say that’s a lot of money – she’ll shoot the main course.” – David Letterman

“It’s the most expensive date with a governor since Eliot Spitzer.” – David Letterman

“That’s a lot of money. But you can sit down with Sarah Palin, spend a couple hours; really get to know her. You know, it’s the thing John McCain should have done a year ago.” – David Letterman

“Last week, Dick Cheney had back surgery. You know Dick Cheney? Dick ‘Shotgun’ Cheney? You know, it’s the complications from carrying Bush for eight years. That’s what it was.” – David Letterman

“Doctors are optimistic about the surgery. They said Cheney’s back surgery was quite risky but not necessary. Risky but not necessary. So it’s like the Iraq war.” – David Letterman

“You probably heard this on the news today. There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe.” – Jay Leno

“Well, according to the Los Angeles Times, the immigrant population in California actually declined last year. When asked if they had noticed, 80 percent of the people in California said, ‘Si.'” – Jay Leno

“Chrysler just announced that it will no longer put owner’s manuals in their cars. Not only that, Chrysler has pretty much given up on putting owners in their cars.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today’s a big day. The MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual genius awards. This year’s awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago.” –Conan O’Brien

“The U.S. government is giving American Indian tribes $224 million of stimulus money to help fight crime on reservations. The tribes say that they’re grateful for the money and plan to bet it all on black.” – Jimmy Fallon

© Nick Anderson

The Republican attitude toward Medicare.

“This guy Max Baucus comes out with this bill, it’s everything you would want in a reform bill, except, you know, reform. It is a watered-down, ineffectual blow job to the health insurance industry. No public option, could cost the middle class a lot more, encourages employers to drop coverage. Insurance companies can charge whatever they want. I’m going to start going to town halls and screaming now.” – Bill Maher

“Democratic Senator Max Baucus introduced his health care plan this week, to make it mandatory to get health insurance and … would fine people if you didn’t get it. And if you didn’t pay the fine, you’d go to jail. But the good news is, once you’re in jail, free health care!” – Jay Leno

“After all the wooing of the Republicans, no Republican support. Nobody on the Republican side is backing this thing. So the Democrats are trying to bring the Republicans over there. They have a plan. They want to do the thing the Republicans want, curb medical malpractice. They have a little deal. If the Democrats agree to protect doctors from frivolous lawsuits, Republicans will agree to sue the ones who did Tori Spelling’s tits.” – Bill Maher

“Speaking of fake tits, Carrie Prejean. You know Carrie, the almost-Miss California. She spoke today at the Values Voters Summit. They have great speakers, like crazy Michele Bachmann is there this year, John Boehner, the unemployed Baldwin brother, token black guy and for that segment of the Republican party that finds Sarah Palin too intellectual, they got Carrie Prejean to speak this year. She said, God chose her to give that answer at the pageant against gay marriage. You know what, Carrie, if God is really that interested in what goes on at beauty pageants, he’s gay.” – Bill Maher

“Right now in Washington, D.C., they’re holding something called the Values Voters Summit. This is a gathering of conservative activists at the Omni Hotel. During the day, they get together and talk about values and politics, and then at night, they sneak hookers up to their hotel rooms. ” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s been a very tense week, especially in Washington. In fact, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi got all choked up yesterday when she talked about how mean-spirited the debate on health care had become. She was so upset, she spent an hour trying to arrange her face into a frown.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former President Clinton is sponsoring a conference called the Clinton Global Initiative. It’s going to be attended by Alicia Keys, Demi Moore, Mira Sorvino and supermodel Molly Simms. It’s in the paper, yeah, that’s true. Apparently he’s calling it the Clinton Global Initiative, ’cause it sounds better than the ‘Bill Clinton Dream Five-Way.’ That didn’t look good on the stationery.” – Conan O’Brien

“Busy weekend for the president. This Sunday, President Obama is going to appear on five different television shows, did you know that? Five different on Sunday. Even more amazing, on all five shows, he plays the wacky neighbor.” – Conan O’Brien

[A few weeks ago, Political Irony added a discussion forum (click the “Forum” button to the right). This post was originally submitted in the forum by Tidetracker.]

Since the health care reform issue has been so controversial, it is hoped that this FAQ (list of Frequently Asked Questions) will help clear things up for interested Americans:

Q. Is there a health care crisis in this country?

A. Of course not. As we have all been told, around 86% of us are satisfied with our current health care coverage. The remaining 14% are simply the slackers and whiners who have lost their health care coverage, or never had any. Some of them were formerly conservative Republicans who objected to health care reform, but have now lost their principles along with their insurance, and therefore deserve no consideration.

Q. Why does President Obama want to reform health care?

A. Because he is evil. He’s the devil’s spawn. He might be the devil himself. He’s a communist. He’s a socialist. He’s a Marxist. He’s a Fascist. He might be several of those, all at once. He’s probably rude to his mother-in-law, and secretly kicks his dog. He hates white people (we know this, because Glenn Beck told us he hates white people… and Glenn Beck would never lie to us). And, for those to whom it matters: have you noticed he’s black?

Q. Why do conservatives, Republicans, and even a few Democrats oppose health care reform?

A. Because of democracy. Republican senators and congressmen, as well as the “Blue Dog” Democrats, couldn’t continue to represent the interests of their constituents without huge contributions from insurance companies.

Q. Does Obama’s plan actually include death panels?

A. Of course. If he doesn’t pull the plug on Grandma, how else will he get what he needs to manufacture Soylent Green? Besides, he’s evil… didn’t you read the second question and answer?

Q. Why do the opponents of health care argue against the so-called “public option”?

A. Because it might become nearly as popular as Medicare, VA health care, Medicaid, and the government employee’s health care plan. And everyone knows that we can’t have socialized, government run, single payer health care in this country. It goes against everything we believe in as Americans.

Q. Shouldn’t everyone have access to affordable health care?

A. Of course not. America is a meritocracy and the only people who merit health care are those with money (or those with legacy admissions to Harvard and Yale).

Q. Will Obama’s plan pay for health care for illegal aliens?

A. Yes, it is possible that several hundred thousand illegal aliens might sneak through the prohibitions against paying for health care for illegal aliens. Because of the danger of that happening, it’s only logical that we should continue to deny health care to 20 million or more uninsured people. After all, what’s more important?

Besides, illegal aliens don’t deserve health care. They should continue to keep a low profile while picking lettuce or cutting the grass.

Q. How should we prevent illegal aliens from getting health care illegally?

A. Well, we certainly don’t want to impose any sort of national ID on Americans. That would be an invasion of privacy and an overreach by big government. It would be better to station patriotic Tea Party members at the entrances to emergency rooms. That way, they could stop any Mexican illegal-looking people from going inside. Of course, true Americans with swarthy complexions should always carry their birth certificate and government approved photo ID (such as a passport). You never know when someone will demand a full forensic examination of your identity, to screen out anyone who might have been born in Kenya.

Q. Why are health care costs rising at three times the rate of inflation?

A. Because it’s the best way to filter out those without merit. See the question on meritocracy, earlier.

Q. Isn’t health care in the best interests of the nation as a whole?

A. No. Health care is in the best interests of those who can either afford it or have jobs with health care benefits. So-called “universal coverage” is NOT in the best interests of those who have health insurance. After all, if we give health care to the slackers, whiners, and po’ folks, there will be less of it for true Americans, and health care rationing is a terrible thing.

This fits well with the conservative ethic, a grand political philosophy dating back over 100 years, first espoused during the Robber Baron era, when a wealthy industrialist said that “the welfare of the middle class depends on the light taxation and lax regulation of the wealthy”.

This philosophy has been refined and restated many times since those wonderful days of the Robber Baron era, most notably by Gordon Gekko (“Greed Is Good”), Pink Floyd (“I’m all right, Jack, keep your hands off of my stack”), and most recently, by the generally accepted and so wonderfully true sentiment, “I’ve got mine, so screw you”.