Political Irony

© Tom Toles

“Today, President Obama spoke at the G-20 global economic summit in Pittsburgh. He warned that if the world economy does not get better, next year’s summit will also be in Pittsburgh.” – Jay Leno

“It’s chilly here in New York City. As a matter of fact today, it was chillier than a conversation between President Obama and Governor Paterson. Apparently what happened, Governor Paterson gets a call from President Obama, and President Obama says, ‘Hey, uh, don’t run.’ A lot of tension between these two guys; as a matter of fact, now, it looks like Paterson may have to invite himself to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman

“Did you see this idiot, Muammar Qaddafii, speak at the U.N.? What a hypocrite this guy is, standing there, putting down Western culture, yet he’s swearing a Snuggie.” – Jay Leno

“Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that the United Nations doesn’t smell of sulfur anymore. He said that it ‘smells of something else. And I’m looking at you France.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“And there is a new terrorism alert at sporting events. Spectators are being asked to report anything suspicious. For example, if you see a Detroit Lion making a first down, OK, right there, wait a minute.” – Jay Leno

“You know what’s exciting about this time of year, ladies and gentlemen? The new fall television season, huh? Yeah! Right here on CBS, premiere of a brand new show, highly anticipated show called ‘The Good Wife.’ You know what it’s about? It’s about the wife of a politician who cheats on her. Where do they come up with this stuff?” – David Letterman

“Governor Mark Sanford’s wife is publishing a book about the affair. She says the book is big enough to tell her side of the story but still light enough to fling at your husband’s head.” – Jay Leno

“Did you hear about this? Dick Cheney had back surgery. It’s from carrying Bush for eight years.” – David Letterman

“According to a new study out of the University of Chicago, participating in sports can make you smarter. That explains how these college athletes are able to graduate without even going to class.” – Jay Leno

A restaurant in Washington, D.C., has a new sandwich named after Michelle Obama called the ‘Michelle Melt.’ It’s a turkey burger, on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, mayo – basically, it’s a turkey burger.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The restaurant also created a new sandwich named after Joe Biden. It’s just a hamburger shaped like a foot.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, ‘I’d like to encourage you to do some shopping while you’re here.’ I think it worked because China immediately bought eight banks, two car companies, and the state of Wyoming.” – Conan O’Brien

“And yesterday at the United Nations, President Barack Obama told the world, ‘Don’t expect America to fix all your problems.’ Hey, hey, what happened to ‘Yes we can?'” – Jay Leno

“Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi also spoke at the U.N. Very exciting. This guy, for some reason, is getting very popular. As a matter of fact, this weekend, he’s going to be the musical guest on ‘Saturday Night Live.'” – David Letterman

“While he’s in New York for the U.N. conference, Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi is traveling with an entourage of 50 attractive female bodyguards. The guards are there in case Qaddafii gets attacked or in case he wants to make a music video from 1985.” – Conan O’Brien

“And then they had the madman hour yesterday afternoon. And it was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and he gave a speech to the U.N. He said he hated the US, said he hated Israel, and he hated that dumb pedestrian mall on Broadway. But Ahmadinejad did say if Iran is given access to uranium, he promises not to make weapons. And I said, ‘Well, that’s good enough for me.'” – David Letterman

“In Qadaffi’s rant yesterday, Qaddafi referred to President Obama as his son. Then he went on to describe Joe Biden as his weird, talkative cousin.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know about Qaddafi living in his tent? You know this whole wacky story? After residents complained, Qaddafi had to dismantle his tent he was living in outside of New York City, in Bedford, New York. You know, say what you want about Qaddafi, but don’t you wish your relatives, when they came, would stay in a tent on the front lawn?” – Jay Leno

“And did you see the pictures of the tent in Trump’s backyard? The tent is an ingenious design. It’s supported by a rather intricate architectural network and foundation of fiberglass poles. It’s the same thing that supports the deal on Donald Trump’s head.” – David Letterman

“You know, it was fun at the beginning of the week when we had all of the world leaders here in New York City visiting the U.N. for the big grand opening of the U.N. It was fun for a while but now we are sick of them and want them to go home. Traffic is insane. You can’t get anywhere. And Qaddafi with that stretch camel, who’s he kidding?” – David Letterman

“It’s fall here in New York. It’s cool, getting dark earlier. The temperature’s dropping. The leaves are changing. In fact, the only thing that hasn’t changed is Qaddafi is still talking at the U.N.” – Jimmy Fallon

“But President Obama, God bless the guy, has been very busy. Yesterday, he actually headed up a meeting of the U.N. Security Council. Meanwhile, in Arizona, John McCain called a waitress ‘Toots.'” – David Letterman

“Did you hear President Obama’s speech about nuclear proliferation? It was impressive. It’s nice to have a president who can pronounce nuclear, isn’t it?” – David Letterman

“Federal authorities have issued a flurry of bulletins warning that sports stadiums, entertainment complexes, hotels, motels, apartment buildings, and transit systems could be targets of terrorist attacks. Well thanks for narrowing it down.” – Jay Leno

“In fact, you know the safest place to be now? Airplanes. Stay in the air as long as you can.” – Jay Leno

“Well, according to the FBI, terrorists may be targeting sporting events here in the United States and people attending games are being told keep an eye out for anybody looking suspicious or anybody who looks like they might be a threat. Well, what do you do at an Oakland Raiders game? That’s everybody.” – Jay Leno

“Oh, and that Colorado man that’s arrested for lying to the FBI and having links to al Qaeda, well, they got him on an additional charge. Planning to use weapons of mass destruction. He reportedly purchased bomb-making ingredients from a beauty supply store. Did you hear his defense today? He said, ‘Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.'” – Jay Leno

“According to The New York Times, Manuel Zelaya, the recently deposed president of Honduras, he’s holed up with supporters who don’t bathe, eat only rice and beans and one guy who hasn’t changed his Che Guevara T-shirt in days. So apparently, Manuel Zelaya is holed up in my freshman dorm room.” – Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin gave a speech to a conference of investors in Hong Kong yesterday morning. Then she spent the afternoon shooting pandas from a helicopter.” – Jay Leno

“Health officials are now saying that the swine flu could be spread at college keg parties. They say if you attend a keg party and come home feeling numb and vomiting profusely, you’re probably fine.” – Conan O’Brien

“And according to the latest rumors, the former CEO of eBay, Meg Whitman, about to announce she is running for governor of California. See, that shows you how bad the economy is getting here in California. Now we’re just another piece of crap on eBay.” – Jay Leno

“This week, Chrysler announced it’s replacing its owners’ manuals with a DVD. In a related story, most Americans have replaced their Chrysler with a Toyota.” – Conan O’Brien

© Matt Bors

“Hey, listen to this. You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? Boy, I know her. She’s traveling all over the world now, speaking gigs. And she went to Hong Kong and gave a speech and people who heard the speech said it was articulate, it was well-prepared, it was compelling. It’s a year late, but …” – David Letterman

“And if it was that good I’m thinking it must have been Tina Fey.” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin gave a speech today in Hong Kong. She was very tough on President Obama. She attacked President Obama on foreign soil. Well, I’m sure the people that went after the Dixie Chicks will be going after her right now.” – Jay Leno

“Folks, today former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin gave a speech in China. The topic of her speech was, ‘Are you sure you’re not Japan?'” – Conan O’Brien

“They paid her $300,000 for the speech, the Chinese, $300,000 for the speech. I guess she apparently could see the cash from her house.” – David Letterman

“Hey, did you see this? A dinner with Sarah Palin just sold on eBay for $64,000. Meanwhile, John McCain got the prime rib and baked potato for only $4.99 at Caro’s.” – Jay Leno

“Muammar Qaddafi was at the U.N. today. He gave a speech that was extremely long. It was rambling and filled with inappropriate comments. As soon as Qaddafi finished, Joe Biden came up and said, ‘Teach me, master.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Libya’s President Muammar Qaddafi gave a lengthy tirade to the U.N. General Assembly today. He was supposed to talk for 15 minutes but went on a 90-minute rant instead. I mean, where is Kanye when you need him?” – Jimmy Fallon

“And Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi-duck, this moron, was at the U.N. today. He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK assassination. Where was Kanye West to grab the microphone away?” – Jay Leno

“He talked so long, even Joe Biden went, ‘Enough!'” – Jay Leno

“And then the Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a hate speech and I thought to myself, where’s that ‘you lie’ guy when you need him?” – David Letterman

“So Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is talking there, and halfway through the speech, people got angry. Got angry, fed up, full of disdain and rage, and they started to march out of the — no. No, that was last night’s audience.” – David Letterman

“And Iranian leader Mahmoud I’m-a-nut-job, he’s in New York this week. Boy, he’s really grumpy. I guess the movie on the flight over from Iran was ‘Schindler’s List.’ And he just didn’t like that.” – Jay Leno

“But if I could now, in all seriousness, I’d like to say a couple of words about Ahmadinejad. Short and ugly.” – David Letterman

“And you know the big surprise, Osama bin Laden was supposed to address the U.N. but he dropped out at the last minute because of mercury poisoning.” – David Letterman

“President Barack Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly today. His opening line was, ‘Some of you may recognize me from my appearances on television.'” – Jay Leno

“When President Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly today, Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi applauded for him, but Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad refused to applaud. But folks, the big surprise was when Kim Jong-Il started the wave. That was the crazy part.” – Conan O’Brien

“Now, be honest, ladies and gentlemen. How many of you are here because you couldn’t get into the U.N.?” – David Letterman

“Actually, in his first eight months in office, President Obama has made four times as many TV appearances as President Bush. Experts say if Obama continues at this rate, next week he will eclipse Regis.” – Jay Leno

“But tomorrow, President Obama will be the first president to chair the U.N. Security Council. That’s pretty cool. Meanwhile, Joe Biden became the first vice president to spend six hours in a Brookstone massage chair.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Now this was momentous. Yesterday, President Obama brought together Israeli and Palestinian leaders, and undeniably now, it was awkward. And they stood there, and they stared at each other, and finally, after an uncomfortable period of time, they shook hands. It was like my wedding night.” – David Letterman

“The Obama’s have been very busy. Tonight, they hosted an evening reception for world leaders at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York. The party was going great until Hugo Chavez started doing karaoke.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, President Obama met with Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama, or as President Bush called him, ‘Mr. Miyagi.’ The Japanese prime minister wanted to thank Obama for all of the money that Japan got from the ‘Cash for Clunkers’ program.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In a speech to the Clinton Global Initiative yesterday, President Obama thanked Bill Clinton for the extraordinary difference he has made since leaving the White House. Clinton then stood up and thanked President Obama for keeping Hillary so busy.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Did you hear what former President Bill Clinton said? In a new book that’s coming out, former President Bill Clinton said he had an affair with Monica Lewinsky because he, quote, ‘cracked under pressure.’ When asked what he’s doing this weekend, Clinton replied, ‘Cracking under pressure.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Thank you all for coming out on such a hot day. What was it, 104? … It was so hot today, John Edwards promised his mistress he would marry her on top of an igloo with Ice Cube playing.” – Jay Leno

“Some good gossip. There’s a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama’s marriage. And in it, they say that Michelle Obama was very upset by all these drooling blonds who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up against him. They said this. One blonde was especially suggestive and kept rubbing up against the President. And finally, Michelle said, ‘Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband.'” – Jay Leno

“I read this in Time magazine. Former presidential candidate Ralph Nader said that President Obama was ‘weak, waffling and wavering.’ And then Nader added: ‘I do not like him in a house. I do not like him with a mouse.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, conservative talk show host Glenn Beck called John McCain a ‘weird progressive, like Teddy Roosevelt.’ In response, McCain said, ‘That’s funny. That’s what Teddy used to call me.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a retirement home in Maryland today to reassure senior citizens about health-care reform. The seniors didn’t really care what Biden said in the speech, they were just happy to outlive it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A pharmaceutical company is developing a microchip to be implanted in patients’ shoulders that remind them to take their medication. That’s just what crazy people on drugs need, right, a voice talking to them out of their shoulder?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, this terror stuff is back in the news. Earlier today, the feds issued a new terror alert. They said terrorists are looking at hitting successful entertainment centers, so you folks at NBC are perfectly safe.” – Jay Leno

“Well, I’m sure you heard about this story. Officials have charged three men born in Afghanistan in this terror probe. An official says much of the evidence gathered was suggestive of a plot to attack buses or trains. How scary is that? Imagine terrorists being able to blow up an Amtrak train before it has a chance to run off the embankment on its own.” – Jay Leno

“And they said if a bomb went off in the LA subway system, it could affect up to three people.” – Jay Leno

“Anyway, this terror suspect who was arrested in Colorado that was charged with detailed plans on how to make the bomb – here’s my favorite part. The guy said he downloaded the plans to make the bomb off the Internet by mistake. Oh, shut up, that’s the porn excuse! Wives don’t even buy that! Shut up!” – Jay Leno

“And according to a front page story in the LA Times, the CIA is deploying teams of spies, analysts, and paramilitary operatives to Afghanistan as part of a broad intelligence search. They said this should catch the Taliban by surprise, unless, of course, they happen to see the front page of the L.A. Times.” – Jay Leno