Political Irony

“President Obama and his lovely wife Michelle are in Copenhagen and they’re making a pitch to bring the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. Barack Obama is … unusual. I mean, here the guy is on a business trip, with his wife. I mean, what is that?” – David Letterman

“President Obama is now in Denmark to lobby for Chicago to be awarded the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. The head of the IOC, the International Olympic Committee, he says that they will not be swayed by the Obama visit. They said they’re going to weigh all the bribes, kickbacks, and secret favors equally.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is on the road, you guys. His first stop was Geneva, where he held his talks with Iranian diplomats about Iran’s nuclear weapons program, or as Iran is saying, ‘What nuclear weapons program?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“But now, Obama is in Copenhagen. He’s trying to get the Olympics in Chicago, while Iran is getting ready to nuke the world. This could explain Obama’s new Secret Service code name, ‘President Bush.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He’s really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding.” – David Letterman

“Well, President Obama announced a plan to spend $5 billion on science and cutting-edge medical research, or, as Fox calls that, ‘socialism.'” – Jay Leno

“No, actually, experts say this $5 billion project of President Obama’s could lead to the development of dozens of life-saving medical treatments that your insurance company could one day turn you down for.” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin’s new autobiography doesn’t come out until November, but it is already No. 1 on Amazon. And if you go to the website, it says, ‘People who bought this book also bought no other books in their entire life.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The pre-orders for Sarah Palin’s new book on Amazon are huge. It’s the No. 1 book on Amazon. I was looking for that section where it says, ‘People who bought this book also bought ‘Bridge to Nowhere.”” – Jay Leno

“Yeah, Palin’s book is No. 1 on Amazon, it’s No. 1 at Barnes and Noble, and it would be on sale at Borders, but she had all of them closed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin’s new memoir is being published in early November. A lot of revelations in the book, but you probably knew this: During the presidential campaign, Sarah had to cut up John McCain’s meat for him.” – David Letterman

“I thought this was nice. Out of good sportsmanship, the foreword was written by a moose.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, the publisher was impressed that Sarah Palin finished the book four months ahead of schedule. That’s not a big deal. She finished her term as governor 18 months ahead of schedule.” – Jay Leno

“Oh, this week on ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ former Congressman Tom DeLay almost dropped his partner. I guess all those years of lobbyists greasing his palms, apparently he just couldn’t … ” – Jay Leno

“According to a new study out of the University of Michigan, during this bad economy, people’s health is actually better than it was before. Isn’t that amazing? When times are bad economically, people stay in better health, to which former President Bush said, ‘You’re welcome!'” – Jay Leno

“People in Alaska are looking forward to Sarah Palin’s memoir. They’re already calling it ‘The Book to Nowhere.'” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin just finished writing her memoirs. And her publisher says — this is a quote — ‘It’s her words, her life and it’s all there in full and fascinating detail.’ Yeah, then he said, ‘Or so I’m told. I wouldn’t read this thing if you put a gun in my mouth.'” – Conan O’Brien

“But if you’re interested, Sarah Palin will be at Barnes & Noble later this fall for a book shooting.” – David Letterman

“But the book has got a lot of beautiful color photos that Sarah has taken from her front porch — beautiful pictures of Russia that she took from her front porch.” – David Letterman

“In the back — this is helpful — a complete index of all my apologies.” – David Letterman

“President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen together this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. The bad news is while they’re gone the country’s going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer.” – Conan O’Brien

“Well, if you saw ’60 Minutes,’ you probably saw this. President Obama coming under fire, because he has only spoken to the U.S. commander in Afghanistan once in the last six months. Well, whose fault is that? Hey, if the general wants to talk to President Obama, get a talk show. That’s how you do it.” – Jay Leno

“Well, actually, to be fair, I thought this was nice, President Obama said he’s been very busy lately, but he would be willing to add the general as a Facebook friend.” – Jay Leno

“I’ve got a really strange story in the news about Al Qaeda. According to intelligence reports – I’m not making this up – the new standard procedure for Al Qaeda hiding explosives inside their rectum. Either that or they’re playing a cruel practical joke on Ahmed. ‘Are you sure everyone’s doing this?’ ‘Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Officials have learned that some Al Qaeda suicide bombers, in an effort to avoid detection are hiding explosives inside their buttocks. Well, this whole thing started because somebody tried to assassinate a Saudi prince last month by detonating an explosive device they had hidden in their rectum. This is real. Luckily, the only person killed was the suicide bomber. But he really had the bomb hidden in his rectum. Here’s my question. At what point in the planning of these attacks do they tell the suicide bomber? I mean you got these guys. ‘OK, boss, I’m ready to be a martyr. I’m ready to die for my cause. Where’s my dynamite vest?’ ‘Listen, Khalid, we’ve made some changes.'” – Jay Leno

“The big news was the Senate yesterday – the finance committee – rejected the Democrats’ health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It’s called, ‘Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“If that doesn’t pass, they’re going to go with, ‘Swine Flu Fever, Catch It.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, a new book is coming out — oh, boy, this is unbelievable — by John Edwards’ campaign official, a guy named Andrew Young. I guess they were quite close friends. Young now says there is sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Well, of course, people are stunned by this. John Edwards letting someone else get in front of the camera? I don’t think so.” – Jay Leno

“You know, I think it is true, because at one point on the tape, at the height of passion, you can hear John Edwards screaming out his own name.” – Jay Leno

“Senator Chris Dodd, who is head of the Senate Banking Committee, is pushing for one super-regulator to oversee all the banks. He said his goal to restore more confidence in the banking system. You know what would restore more confidence in the banking system? If Chris Dodd wasn’t head of the Senate Banking Committee.” – Jay Leno

“Nancy Pelosi attended the U2 concert last night in Washington, D.C., as Bono’s personal guest. She had a great time. The whole night she was on the verge of making an expression.” – Jimmy Fallon

“U2 even dedicated a song to her face: ‘Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“She almost shed a tear. But she doesn’t have tear ducts.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Michelle Obama told Prevention magazine that at 45 she wants to be in the best shape of her life. Meanwhile, Joe Biden told the magazine that he wants to be in the shape of a unicorn.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Democrats couldn’t get laid in a house (where people’s) sole purpose is to have consequence and disease-free sex with legislators on finance committees.” – Jon Stewart

“The former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has completed her memoir, and it’ll be in stores in November. So that’s something to look forward to. A lot of people aren’t taking her seriously. I’ve seen it. It’s a big, huge book. But when you go into the store, you can use that big book to step up so you can reach a better book.” – David Letterman

“Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has a new book coming out. They say she finished the book ahead of schedule so they moved the release date up to November 17th. So, turns out she can finish something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The book will be out this November. Coincidentally, she was out last November.” – David Letterman

“The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s called ‘Going Rogue.’ Not to be confused with John McCain’s new memoir, ‘Going Several Times A Night.'” – David Letterman

“I read about this today, too. Sarah Palin’s 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it’s called ‘Going Rogue: An American Life.’ And critics say that it starts out okay, it get’s really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The title of the book is ‘Going Rogue,’ which is how some of John McCain’s advisers derisively describe what she did during the presidential campaign. The title is getting a mixed reaction. Some people like it, some people don’t. And some think ‘Going Rogue’ is a rip-off of Joe Biden’s memoir, ‘Going Rogaine,’ which came out like five years ago.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know he’s not just the Vice President, he’s also a client.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new global currency. The Treasury Department is telling everyone to not panic, just calmly throw your money away.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Big healthcare news. This just happened. The public option backed by President Obama was just voted down by the Senate Finance Committee, or as supporters of universal healthcare call them, ‘The Death Panel.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The final tally was eight voted ‘yes,’ 15 voted ‘you lie!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know what happened one year ago today? The stock market dropped 700 points. One year ago today. Do you have any idea what that means? Neither do I.” – David Letterman

“It’s interesting now. A lot of people say, they’re bragging, ‘I didn’t lose any money. I’m smarter than that. I didn’t lose any money.’ For example, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska, did not lose a penny when the stock market tanked. You know why? She has all her money in pelts.” – David Letterman

“Chicago, Illinois, wants the Olympics in 2016. Everybody is pitching in. Remember former Governor Rod Blagojevich? Even he’s pitching in. He said if they send the Olympics to Chicago, he will throw in a US Senate seat.” – David Letterman

“President Obama says he will use all of his powers of persuasion to get the Olympics in Chicago. I thought, well, great. It’s worked pretty well so far with his healthcare plan. Good luck there.” – David Letterman

“Do you folks remember Andy Williams? Fantastic singer. He says that President Obama is following Marxist theory. I said, ‘That’s interesting. I think I’m going to wait and see what the Andrews Sisters say.'” – David Letterman

“Meanwhile, President Obama has an idea to make our country smarter. He wants to shorten summer vacation and extend the school year. And I don’t want to be cynical, but clearly this is a back door deal for the powerful Tater Tot lobby.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I was reading today about President Obama’s new plans for education. I guess President Obama wants kids to spend more time in school. He wants them staying later in the day. That’s not new. We had that when I was in school. It’s called detention. I was there until 5:30, 6:00 every night.” – Jay Leno

“I miss our old President, who worked for more recess for children, not more school. Instead, we elected the kid who reminds the teacher that she forgot to give the class homework. That’s no fun at all.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And officials from the US, Great Britain, and France are demanding that Iran disclose all of its nuclear efforts after it was revealed that Iran had this secret nuclear facility. These Iranians, very clever at disguising it. They made sure nobody could find this place. They made the outside of it look just like a movie theater showing that new Megan Fox film.” – Jay Leno

© Joel Pett