Political Irony

© August J. Pollak

© Matt Davies

“Yesterday at the White House, President Obama met with Native American tribal leaders, and they gave Obama the Indian name, ‘He Who Cares.’ Isn’t that nice? That’s nice. Yeah. Then, they gave Vice President Joe Biden the Indian name, ‘Big Chief Running Mouth.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama hosted a conference of all the Native American tribes. I know the U.S. economy’s in bad shape, but Obama told the Indians, ‘Look, you can have the country back. Okay, fine.'” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin’s new book, new memoir, is coming out next month. It’s called, ‘Going Rogue.’ Ooooh. She was like Rambo, out there on her own. Hidin’ in the trees, swoopin’ down on vines. Out there lookin’ for bogies.” – David Letterman

“She’s already received … a million dollars. … You know what she did? She went shopping. You know where she went? Bed, Bath And You Betcha.” – David Letterman

“The unemployment rate went above ten percent for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week, all those economists were laid off. So it’s just tough.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chrysler announced it’s coming out with a new logo that’s going to appear on all of its cars, and they hope it will boost sales. And it should help, because the new logo says, ‘Toyota.'” – Conan O’Brien

“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on Election Night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions.” – Jay Leno

“Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the ‘greatest threat to freedom he’s ever seen.’ And then the Taliban was like, ‘Uh, helloooo? What?!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Happy birthday to Maria Shriver. Maria celebrated quietly with Governor Schwarzenegger in his lair on Skull Island.” – David Letterman

“Big day in New York for the Yankees. Ticker tape parade. Anyone here go to the parade? Mayor Bloomberg was there. He called New York City the ‘Capital of Baseball.’ Then he spent 85 million dollars of his own money to become the new Mayor of Baseball.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During a speech, President Obama embarrassed his daughter, Malia. Did you hear about this? Embarrassed his daughter Malia by revealing that she recently got a 73 on a science test. Yeah, yeah, then Malia embarrassed him by asking him how the governor’s races in Virginia and New Jersey turned out.” – Conan O’Brien

“During his speech in Wisconsin yesterday, President Obama explained that he was upset with his daughter, Malia, after she got a 73 on her science test. When I heard that, I was like: ‘Seventy-three? I would have killed for a 73.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama says that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the jobs he created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, you know, a lot of people are saying these Republican victories are a backlash against Obama’s policies. What policies? Don’t know what the policies are.” – Jay Leno

“The White House says that President Obama did not watch the election results the other night. He watched the Chicago Bulls instead. So at least one of his teams won.” – Jay Leno

“Later in his speech, President Obama said that the currency of today’s economy is knowledge. Great, another currency where China has us beat.” – Jimmy Fallon

“HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama called ‘By the People.’ ‘By the People.’ It’s all about the election of Barack Obama and after this they have a series, after this, about Barack Obama, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It’s called, ‘By Mistake.'” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin announced that she’s gonna travel across the country on a bus to promote her new book. She’ll be hard to miss ’cause it’ll be the only bus on the road with a dead moose strapped on the hood.” – Conan O’Brien

“During the middle of his show, Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah. Apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his audience assumed everything was normal.” – Conan O’Brien

“The senior citizen group AARP endorsed the Democrats’ health care bill. Senior citizens endorsed it. Yes. Yeah, yeah, a spokesperson for the senior citizens group said, ‘We can’t wait until this bill is signed by President Harry Truman.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Big new holiday movie. It’s the new ‘Christmas Carol,’ it opens on Friday. And Dick Cheney saw it already and loved it and through the whole movie he was yelling, ‘Go Scrooge, come on, Scrooge, go Scrooge!'” – David Letterman

“Voters in Ohio approved a measure that will allow casinos in Cleveland. So now there will be another way to lose your money in Cleveland besides betting on the Browns.” – Jay Leno

“Al Gore was here in New York yesterday signing copies of his new book ‘Our Choice’ at Barnes and Noble. It was strange, Gore wouldn’t write his name. He just signed each book, ‘I’m sorry, tree.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“There is actually a big swine flu vaccine shortage all across the country, but you know who has gotten the vaccines? Executives at Citigroup, Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan. But in the company’s defense, if those executives got sick, everything would stop, the companies would go under and the government would have to bail them out.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, if you are not happy about Mayor Bloomberg being mayor, don’t blame me, O.K.? If you are not happy about this, don’t blame me. I voted for — well, I don’t remember his name.” – David Letterman

“Actually, the guy’s name is Bill Thompson. Bill Thompson. Yes, Bill Thompson. Isn’t that a name you get in the witness protection program?” – David Letterman

“You’re here on a very special night, ladies and gentlemen. The entire balcony here at the Ed Sullivan Theater tonight is filled with defeated Democrats. Yeah, buddy!” – David Letterman

“Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey and not doing too good in Afghanistan either. In fact, political experts are calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing.” – Jay Leno

“Big losses for the Democrats in the elections. Here’s how bad it was for the Democrats — earlier today, the Democratic Party was begging Rush Limbaugh for pain killers.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday was election day and the people of New Jersey elected a new governor. That’s right. Yeah, and I don’t know how he did it, but congratulations to newly elected New Jersey Governor, Hamid Karzai.” – Conan O’Brien

“One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president, one year ago today. One year later, we’re still in Iraq. We’re still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul.” – David Letterman

“Well, the Democratic Party has a new slogan. ‘What happened?'” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That’s right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bad year for Democrats right now. All the Democrats have left is the presidency, both houses of Congress, and all of Hollywood. That’s all they have.” – David Letterman

“There’s a new book that’s coming out about Sarah Palin. And the book contains a copy of the speech she would have given if John McCain had won and she had became vice president. Yeah. The speech is entitled, ‘Uh-oh.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Next February, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will debate, at Radio City Music Hall. I’m looking forward to that line of high-kicking Secret Service agents.” – David Letterman

“Clinton and Bush are debating, and, honestly, think about it, what is more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn’t count, if you think about it?” – David Letterman

“Well, congratulations to New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the purchase of his third term.” – Jay Leno

“Bloomberg spent $100 million to get re-elected. Do you realize that is the most money ever spent on a New Yorker that’s not playing for the Yankees?” – Jay Leno

“Bloomberg was limited to just two terms, but he changed the law so he could run again and be in power another four years. And today, Arnold Schwarzenegger said — ‘You can do that? How do you do that? Why can’t I do that here?'” – Jay Leno

“Some pictures of President Obama posted on the internet seem to show the President looking very thin. … They say he looks too thin, but White House docs say not to worry, Barack Obama’s one of those guys who can eat whatever he wants and still not gain weight. Yet another reason for Rush Limbaugh to hate him.” – Jay Leno

“Over in Washington, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list.” – Jimmy Fallon