“It’s been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He’ll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That’s what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce.” – Conan O’Brien
“The other day in Wisconsin, Sarah Palin gave a speech, and the crowd was searched to make sure there were no cameras. That’s right. Yeah, according to experts, Palin subscribes to the primitive belief that cameras will ‘steal her crazy.'” – Conan O’Brien
“I found out this by reading her memoir ‘Going Rogue,’ the Sarah Palin memoir, ‘Going Rogue.’ Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, believes the Berlin wall ran between Kanye West and Kanye East.” – David Letterman
“Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean — you know, if you’re hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay?” – Jay Leno
“I mean, who goes hiking in Iraq? What was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?” – Jay Leno
“The AMA is urging the Federal Government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and do more research. That’s what they said. It’s a big story, yeah. Yeah, that request came not only from the AMA but also from KFC.” – Conan O’Brien
“Welcome to New York City, first of all, bad news — city is broke. Yeah. No more money. And they’re cutting back on garbage collection. And I want to tell you, New York City, by the way, has one of the finest collections of garbage you’ll see anywhere.” – David Letterman
“Cutting back — city is broke — cutting back on hospital budgets. Well, it’s a good thing we’ve got that swine flu licked, isn’t it?” – David Letterman
“And when your flight lands in the Hudson, you’re on your own.” – David Letterman
“They have a bottle of beer that was on board the Hindenburg and it was auctioned off. You know the Hindenburg, that was the biggest thing to crash and burn in New Jersey next to the Corzine campaign.” – David Letterman
“Remember the Congressman, William Jefferson, who the F.B.I. caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer? Well, he was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. Something like 30 years. The Congressman is saying — he said he still did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd — Congress.” – Jay Leno
“A huge week for the President. Obama leaves tomorrow for a ten-day trip to Singapore, China, South Korea and Japan. Meanwhile, today, Joe Biden ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at Panda Express.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama, he said that he would be happy to travel, more than happy to travel to Copenhagen in December for the global climate conference, if his presence would make a difference. And then the Olympic committee was like, ‘Oh, yeah, it makes a huge difference. Yeah.'” – Jimmy Fallon
