Political Irony

© Tom Tomorrow

This is the number one customer review on Amazon of Sarah Palin’s new book:

Ain’t afraid of no Vietcong king, November 17, 2009

By Gen. JC Christian, patriot

There are many kinds of truth. There are truths based on facts, truths based on faith, and truths based on something that sounds as if it should be true (truthiness). Then there’s the kind of truth we find in Sarah’s book: stories and concepts that become truths simply because she states them. She’s a lot like our Lord and Savior, Glen Beck, in that respect.

Sometimes, she states truths that would be considered ludicrous if uttered by someone else. Her claim that the McCain campaign forced her to spend $150,000 in RNC funds to dress her family in designer clothes is one example of that. Although it might be easier to believe that she acted like a trailer park Zsa Zsa who’d found a credit card left behind at a possum feed, she blames McCain staffers. That’s good enough for us, because we have faith; we want to believe her truths.

But the book isn’t perfect. As much as I enjoyed the few short paragraphs in which Mrs Palin laid out her policy objectives, she could have condensed it all into one sentence: “I’m going to grab an Oxo Good Grips Stainless Serving Spatula and go all mavericky on your non-white, non-Christian and non-heterosexual butts.”

The book also fails to expose Mrs. Palin’s intellectual brilliance and keen grasp of foreign policy issues. Why wasn’t the text of her recent speech in Hong Kong included? Although it remains secret, it’s rumored that she viciously rebuked the Vietcong king for his assault on the Empire State Building. That’s a speech we’ve been waiting for nearly 75 years to hear. It’s big news and should have been included.

As you read other reviews of this book, please remember that Mrs. Palin has many enemies who are eager to pan her work. The Palin family’s most potent nemesis, Levi’s johnston, is no dpubt fully erect and ready to spew globs of misfortune upon them for a third time. And reason-adoring intellectuals are certain to point out that an interview on Good Morning Topeka doesn’t qualify as a policy summit in the Far East.

But a few bad reviews won’t stop her. She’s seen much worse from her kitchen window. It can’t be pleasant to gaze upon Antichristograd every morning as you brew your coffee.

My review isn’t complete, but I think I’ll quit anyway, because writing reviews, like governing, is just too darned hard to finish.

UPDATE: The same author’s other reviews on Amazon are a great read.

“President Obama winding up his Asian tour this week. There’s a switch. Something American in China. You never see that.” – Jay Leno

“Earlier today, President Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China. He said it was, quote, ‘magical’ as opposed to two years ago, when former President Bush stood at the exact same spot and said, ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, President Obama visited the Great Wall of China. He said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of the sweep of history.’ When George Bush visited, he said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of something Spider-Man would love to climb.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“And yesterday, while speaking in Beijing at the Great Hall of the People, President Obama paid tribute to China for its economic successes. And you know something: it’s amazing what can be accomplished with child slave labor. It’s fantastic.” – Jay Leno

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, ‘Come on, it’s not like he’s the CEO of Exxon.'” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that President Obama’s approval rate is now under 50%. ‘Well, welcome to the club,’ I said.” – David Letterman

“In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, ‘Uh, way ahead of you, dude.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s been announced that President Obama’s first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems.” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.” – David Letterman

“Today in Congress — this is big — 91-year-old Senator Robert Byrd set a record for the longest time served in congressional history. During his time in office, Byrd has passed over 800 bills and 600 kidney stones.” – Conan O’Brien

“In Washington, D.C., today, the Senate paid tribute to West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, who officially became the longest serving lawmaker in the history of Congress. He turns 92 on Friday. He’s still senating. His fellow senators honored him on the Senate floor. They were strongly urged to keep speeches brief, just in case.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin is still dominating the news here. Last night, she was in an interview with Barbara Walters. She was asked to rate Obama’s performance as a president on a scale of 1 to 10. And Palin was like, ‘Oh, that’s easy, F.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Did you see any of the Sarah Palin on the Oprah show? Wow. She said that she disagrees with Barack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. She said she thought it was premature and she said other world leaders, other foreign dignitaries, probably more deserving of that award. Of course, she couldn’t name any, but still.” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin’s new book, ‘Going Rogue,’ came out yesterday. It’s getting a lot of attention, primarily because she spends a lot of the book settling scores with the media, the political elite, she’s angry at the weather for raining on her once.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m Jimmy. I’m the host of this show. Don’t worry. I got the whole night planned out. We’re going to have drinks, we’re going to have appetizers, and then we’re going to roast a moose and split it up between us. I got the recipe out of the new Sarah Palin book.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And she goes after vegetarians, too. She asks, ‘If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?’ It’s a really good question. Hey, wait a second. People are made out of meat, too! And so are cocker spaniels. I think the lesson is, don’t go to Sarah Palin’s house for Thanksgiving dinner.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“She believes that women are held to a higher standard than men. She quotes Margaret Thatcher, who said, ‘If you want something done, ask a woman.’ I guess that’s why she asked a woman to write the book for her.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The big news here in New York City, that awful guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed — you know this guy? Terrorist mastermind, been down in Guantanamo Bay for seven years, bringing him to New York City, and he’s going to be on trial here in New York City. Now, the good news is it should be pretty entertaining because Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting.” – David Letterman

“And last night in New York, for the third time in two weeks, Vice President Joe Biden’s motorcade was involved in a traffic accident. Remember the old days when the Vice President would just shoot you? No wonder they want universal healthcare.” – Jay Leno

“And Congress now looking at a possible amendment to a bill that would allow passengers to check guns on Amtrak. That’s amazing, isn’t it? They figured out a way to make Amtrak even more dangerous.” – Jay Leno

“And the Boston Teachers Union is stopping 200 teachers from getting their bonuses for good job performance. The union says teachers, good and bad, should all get bonuses. Even the Obama Administration is calling this socialism.” – Jay Leno

“You know who was on Oprah the other day was Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska. The high point was when the Governor shot a cigarette out of Oprah’s mouth.” – David Letterman

“She said she was super excited to meet Oprah and also to hug a black person for the very first time.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, did you see guys see ‘Oprah’ yesterday. Sarah Palin was on it. Sarah Palin said that running for president in 2012 is not on her radar screen right now, which was really, really, really upsetting for Democrats.” – Jimmy Fallon

“People see her as a candidate in 2012. Some people have started giving money to her campaign. For instance, she just received a very generous check from Barack Obama to run.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s a great day for America and a great day for one of our loveliest Americans, Sarah Palin. Her long-awaited book, ‘Going Rogue,’ hit bookstores today. Last night, Sarah did a tell-all interview with Barbara Walters. I watched, but I couldn’t understand what either one was saying. ‘Did you cwy when you wost the election?’ ‘You betcha.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Sarah Palin’s new book came out today. Well, she did ‘Oprah’ yesterday. She did ‘GMA’ this morning. Having her out on the road is a nice break if you are a moose in Alaska.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In Sarah Palin’s new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, ‘Thank you, God,’ which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.” – Conan O’Brien

“Her book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called ‘Sarah Palin Becomes President.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin admitted she once got a D in a college course. I looked it up. I think the course was called ‘Being Vice President.'” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin’s book is supposedly full of shocking revelations. Some of it even surprised John McCain. ‘I ran for president?'” – Craig Ferguson

“In her new book, ‘Going Rogue,’ Sarah Palin says she doesn’t like vegetarians. Palin says all vegetarians should go back to Vegetaria, where they came from.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama’s nine-day trip to Asia is in full swing. Presidential trips like this require a ton of planning. The State Department briefs the President, the Air Force clears the airspace, and the Secret Service leaves dog food out for Joe Biden. Then everybody heads out.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama, our president, was in Beijing today for summit meetings and Chinese food. On Saturday, he was in Japan. He met with the Japanese emperor and empress, and in doing so, upset some conservatives because he bowed when he met them. The G.O.P. said that’s sends a bad message to the world, and they’re demanding that next time, Obama sweep the leg.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The State Department says he was just following protocol and showing respect to local customs. It’s the same reason he pulled the Canadian prime minister’s jersey over his head and punched him with the one hand. They like hockey there. It’s what they do.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“One of the people most bothered by Obama’s bow was former Vice President Dick Cheney. He said no American president should bow to anyone. Dick’s been unusually feisty lately. He’s like that when he gets a fresh battery in his pacemaker.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Now, some critics are saying President Obama made a faux pas in greeting the emperor of Japan because Obama did the traditional bow but mixed in a handshake. And to make matters worse, Obama then tried to get out of that with an awkward end of a blind date half hug.” – Conan O’Brien

“But you know, President Bush never bowed to any foreign leaders. He just held hands with them and also he kissed them and then they shared a bunk bed. But that was different. That was for oil.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Anyway, President Obama today met with Chinese leader Hu Jintao. But in China, the first name is actually the surname, so he’s known as President Hu. So of course, every time he meets an English-speaking leader, it’s like the Abbott and Costello routine. ‘Sir, Hu’s here.’ ‘Who’s here to see me?’ ‘That’s what I’m telling you. Hu.’ ‘What are you talking about?'” – Craig Ferguson

“Do you know where President Obama is right now? In China. Today he was over there. They’re touring him around. He got to see where they keep all our money.” – David Letterman

“And experts now say China wants a bigger role in world events. Really? What, being our landlord is not enough now?” – Jay Leno

“Obama met with the Chinese leaders. They complained about the U.S. economy. And why not? Obama complained about leaky takeout cartons.” – David Letterman

“This is a big deal, though. Chinese President Hu Jintao had dinner with President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Experts say that the relations between the two remain icy but that Obama and Jintao get along great.” – Conan O’Brien

“Right now President Obama is meeting with top Chinese officials. The American-Chinese relationship has changed in the past couple of years, because we used to be the world’s only superpower, standing head and shoulders above other nations. We were like Alec Baldwin towering over all the other Baldwins.” –Craig Ferguson

“Now things are different. The financial crisis has knocked us down a few pegs. They’ve got more than a billion people. If we’re going to battle the Chinese for global supremacy, we’re going to need a lot more octomoms.” –Craig Ferguson

“The President of the United States is in China tonight. This is big. The Chinese president entertained President Obama by having a military band play ‘I Just Called To Say I Love You’ and ‘We Are The World.’ What I want to know is how did the Chinese president get hold of my college record collection?” – Conan O’Brien

“Obama and the Chinese president pledged to work together on climate change. Then they drove off in their Hummer motorcades.” – David Letterman

“Well, the President is in China now. And he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the airport to Beijing. There’s one car for the President, two for Secret Service and then 68 for Obama’s advisers on the environment.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I mean, it was all the way fine until the 34th car drove through the yellow light and left everyone else behind. It was like, ‘Hey, we don’t know where we’re going! We’re in China, man!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“71 cars. Somewhere in the world, Al Gore shed a single tear.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They didn’t need 71 cars. I mean, trust me. I’ve been to China. They could fit nine guys on a scooter and still have room for a crate of fish. They got it handled over there.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that’s apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That’s exactly what happens.” – Jay Leno

“Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, ‘I am not a crook.’ That’s back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician’s career. See, now it’s just part of the job.” – Jay Leno

“You guys hear this? ‘The Oxford Dictionary’ declared that the 2009 word of the year is ‘unfriend.’ To unfriend means to completely delete somebody you don’t like from your life, or as CNN calls it, ‘Lou Dobbs them.'” – Jimmy Fallon

National Geographic asked senators to draw their state and label a few important points. Most Senators did OK, but Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss drew something that looks much more like Mississippi (which, in case you are likewise geographically challenged, is two states over from Georgia).

Georgia’s other senator, Johnny Isakson, did only slightly better.

Sigh.