“Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people.” – Seth Meyers
“This has been quite a week for Sarah Palin. She’s been everywhere promoting her new book. She was on ‘Oprah,’ ‘Good Morning America,’ ABC ‘World News,’ ‘Nightline,’ Barbara Walters. Not to be outdone, next week, John McCain will be the guest corpse on ‘CSI.'” – Jay Leno
“According to a new poll, more Americans would like to have Thanksgiving dinner with Hillary Clinton than with Sarah Palin. That’s what the poll said. Yeah. Mainly because no one wants to eat elk pie.” – Conan O’Brien
“The design for George W. Bush’s presidential library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas, and features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don’t want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway. Don’t build a library where the lights are on when no one is home.” – Seth Meyers
“The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she’s the only thing he ever checked out of a library.” – Jay Leno
“In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. ‘Hey, that’s great,’ said Joe Biden. ‘I didn’t even know I did anything wrong.'” – Seth Meyers
“On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn’t miss an opportunity. He proves that Obama is soft on poultry.” – David Letterman
“Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro, reportedly a huge fan of President Obama. He thinks President Obama’s doing a great job. Well, Obama hasn’t had PR that good since the Reverend Wright was campaigning for him.” – Jay Leno
“The alleged 9/11 mastermind, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, is gonna be tried in New York City after all, it looks like. A lot of people saying this is too dangerous. And, of course, the big fear, he could escape by disappearing into a sea of cab drivers.” – Jay Leno
“It was reported Monday at the food summit, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi spent several hours in the company of 200 Italian women and tried to convert them to Islam. Long story short — he’s a Catholic now.” – Seth Meyers
“This week, Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan’s traditional clothing: Kevlar pants, a helmet and bulletproof vest.” – Jay Leno
“To help pay for the health care plan, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed a 5% tax on all elective cosmetic surgery. Oh, sure, I guess it is easy to tax plastic surgery when you already have movie star good looks.” – Seth Meyers
“It’s been reported that CNN got so tired of Lou Dobbs’ focus on immigration issues that they paid him $8 million to leave. Yeah, and just to rub it in, they gave it to him in pesos.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton tells Vogue magazine that she naps on command, like that. Yeah, especially when Bill asks if she’s in the mood” – Jay Leno
“Oprah Winfrey announced she’s quitting her show. Oprah’s quitting. No, crazy. Yeah. This is the crazy thing. Oprah said she used prayer to help her decide to end her show. That’s what she said. Yeah, Oprah said she stopped praying when she realized she has more money than the guy she’s praying to.” – Conan O’Brien
“Big night at the movies yesterday, ‘New Moon’ made a record $26.3 million at a midnight screening. Wow. In fact, earlier today, President Obama announced his new stimulus plan, it’s called ‘Twilight 3.’ He’s going to give that a shot.” – Jimmy Fallon
