Political Irony

“How about the couple that sneaked into the White House for the big state dinner? Now, they’re going to be subpoenaed by the House Homeland Security committee. And I thought, well finally, they’re being invited somewhere.” – David Letterman

“Hey, remember that incident last week with the uninvited guests sneaking into the White House? Well, three Secret Service officers have now been put on administrative leave after that security breach. But you know something? The White House should have seen this coming. You know what those three guys were doing before White House security? Border guards. Yeah, so, they should have known.” – Jay Leno

“But I mean honestly, you can’t blame the Salahis for going where they’re not invited. I mean, isn’t that our foreign policy?” – David Letterman

“Hey, the ‘Today’ show was live from Afghanistan this morning. It went head-to-head with Afghanistan’s number one morning show, ‘Good Morning and Death to America.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Looks like the Obama administration is expanding the CIA’s controversial use of pilotless aircraft flying over Pakistan. See, what is controversial about that? We’ve got pilotless Northwest planes flying over Minneapolis.” – Jay Leno

“According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden has been slipping into Afghanistan. He likes to go into Afghanistan, do a little shopping, see a couple of shows, have dinner and then he goes home.” – David Letterman

“You know, the global warming? They’re having the big summit in Copenhagen, and it’s being held this month over there in Denmark. Climate experts are telling us now that this has been the warmest decade in history. The good news is they’re able to move the global warming conference outdoors.” – David Letterman

“And tomorrow at the global warming conference, a Martian shows up in Copenhagen to issue the Earth a dire warning.” – David Letterman

“But in terms of the temperature, going up and up and up, we are making some progress. Today over there at the conference in Copenhagen, they put a cap on the number of hot girlfriends for Tiger Woods. That’s going to cool things off a little bit.” – David Letterman

“And Sarah Palin’s book, ‘Going Rogue,’ number one on the New York Times best-sellers. Well, sadly, Sarah Palin will never know that because, as you know, she does not read The New York Times.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday — did you hear about this? You know who Sarah Palin is? She’s at a book signing and somebody heaves a tomato at her. That’s not good, but at least finally she and I have something in common.” – David Letterman

“And according to The Globe, Levi Johnston, you know the idiot? He’s writing his memoirs. He’s not writing it himself. He’s using a ghost moron to help him.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday in Minnesota, a man was arrested because he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Security immediately arrested the guy and gave him his own show on MSNBC.” – Conan O’Brien

“Oh, and some crime news in Chicago. Burglars broke into the office of former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Well, here’s the amazing part. Prosecutors said there was still less criminal activity than when Blagojevich was there.” – Jay Leno

“Earlier tonight, ABC aired ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas.’ Finally aired it. It was, you know, that warm, entertaining Christmas special. It was supposed to be on last week, but it was postponed for the president’s speech, which turned out not so warm or entertaining.” – Craig Ferguson

“A lot of people were upset when the president postponed the Charlie Brown special. Obama himself had to deal with some tantrums when he got home. He had to give Joe Biden a timeout.” – Craig Ferguson

“A new study from Purina found that house cats spend about 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent of their days playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. The study also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This is interesting. A letter written by Thomas Jefferson in 1808 has been discovered at the University of Delaware. It’s a personal letter thanking John McCain for his support in the election of 1804.” – Jay Leno

“Hey, listen to this. According to The New York Times, the Secret Service agents responsible for letting those party crashers sneak into the White House have now been placed on leave. And today, the party crashers felt so bad for them, they called and said, ‘Listen, we know how you can get back in.'” – Jay Leno

“Tell the truth. How many of you folks are here tonight in the Ed Sullivan Theater because you couldn’t sneak into the White House?” – David Letterman

“Honestly, how many of you — the Salahis. They had a big state dinner for the guy and all of a sudden there’s a lovely young couple there. Nobody has any idea who they are. ‘Oh, hello. How do you do, nice to see you.’ It’s the Salahis — nobody knows who they are, nobody cares who they are, they weren’t invited, nobody wants them there. Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.” – David Letterman

“According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden periodically sneaks into Afghanistan. Well, a guy’s got to have fun! You know what I mean? What happens in Kabul stays in Kabul.” – Conan O’Brien

“Talk about bad timing. The latest issue of Golf Digest has Tiger Woods and President Obama on the cover. I don’t think Michelle’s going to let the President hang with Tiger too much longer.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is sending troops to Afghanistan. Well, hell, he ought to be sending them to Tiger Wood’s house.” – David Letterman

“While speaking about Bruce Springsteen at the Kennedy Center last night, President Obama said, ‘I’m the President, but he’s the Boss.’ And then Biden was like, ‘Then who the hell is Tony Danza?!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama. Did you hear about this? He spoke at a town hall last week and a student stood up and asked him if he would consider legalizing drugs to stimulate the economy. Unfortunately, the student’s follow-up question was, ‘Do you ever hear colors?'” – Conan O’Brien

“Hey, are you guys excited about the U.N. climate change conference in Copenhagen? Yeah! Starting today, President Obama said the U.S. can reduce carbon emissions by 17 percent by the year 2020. Then he was like, ‘Of course, by then, I’ll be out of office, so I can promise anything I want. By 2020, a free Xbox for every man, woman and child. By 2040, a Megan Fox clone for every dude. Not my problem, call President Timberlake.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Fifteen thousand people talking about climate change for two weeks. It’s basically Al Gore’s version of Ozzfest.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In Iowa, a large group of people waited outside a Sarah Palin book signing to urge her to run for president in 2012. The large group of people was known as the Iowa Democratic Party.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a recent poll, 22% of Americans now say, ‘Happy Holidays.’ The other 78% say, ‘Feliz Navidad.'” – Jay Leno

Sarah Palin gave a speech at the Gridiron Club for its 2009 Winter Dinner. She’s actually quite funny, and gets in a couple of jabs at herself:

Good evening. It’s great to be in Washington and I am loving the weather. I braved the elements and went out for a jog! Or, as Newsweek calls it, a cover-shoot.

From my hotel room, from there I can see the Russian Embassy, right there.

It’s a privilege to be here tonight at the Washington D.C. Barnes & Noble. Tonight, I’ll be reading excerpts from my new book. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? “Going Rogue”

Yukon wasn’t sure if I’d go with that title and somebody suggested I follow the East Coast self-help trend and go with, “How To Look Like A Million Bucks… For Only 150 Grand.”

Todd liked, “The Audacity of North Slope.”

Hey, I considered not having a title at all. I’ve said it before, but you Beltway types just don’t seem to get it. You don’t need a title to make an impact.

But anyway, let’s get started. I’ll begin my first reading on Page 209. It was pitch black when we touched down in Arizona late on August 27, 2008. The next morning we drove to John McCain’s ranch in Sedona. John was waiting on the porch.

Before he can say a word, I tell him — I’m quoting now — “I know why I’m here, and I’m ready. But, I’m worried. The cost of credit protection for the largest U.S. banks is rising precipitously. Have you given any thought to the run on the entities in the parallel banking system? Do you realize the vulnerability created when these institutions borrow short term in liquid markets to invest long term in illiquid assets?”

John said, “you betcha!” I thought, “you betcha?” Who talks that way?

Well, sometimes you just have to trust your instincts. When you don’t, you end up in places like this. Who would have guessed that I’d be palling around with this group? At least now I can put a face to all the newspapers I read.

It is good to be here and in front of this audience of leading journalists and intellectuals. Or, as I call it, a death panel.

To be honest, I had some serious reservations about coming to visit your cozy little club. The Gridiron still hasn’t offered membership to anyone from my hometown paper in Wasilla, the Matanuska-Susitna Valley Frontiersman.

And my dad thought it was just a plain bad idea to leave the book tour for some football game. He might have a point!

I’ve been touring this great, great land of ours over the last few weeks. I have to say, the view is much better from inside the bus, than under it!

But really, I am thrilled to be with you. And I’d like to thank the Gridiron for the invitation and Dick Cooper for his introduction.

To paraphrase John F. Kennedy, this has to be the most extraordinary collection of people who have gathered to viciously attack me since the last corporate gathering at CBS.

Despite what you have read, or more likely, despite what you have written, I do feel a real bond with all of you. I studied journalism, earned a communications degree and for a time only wanted to be a journalist. I was even a television sportscaster back home. I’m guessing some of you probably got your start the exact same way… once there was television.

Let me get back to the book. I know that many of you are still upset because I wouldn’t play that silly Washington game. You know, the one where all of you read a book in its entirety, from the first page of the index to the last.

But think about it, because you actually had to read the whole book in the vain hope of finding your name, you now know all about Denali, mom, dad, ungulate eyeballs, slaying salmon on the Nushagak and Ugashik near Alegnigak, where we make AGOOTAK and moose chili! You’re welcome.

Still, I want to do something very special for this audience of Washington elite. So, I’ll read from the index–which I chose not to include in the hardback.

Would you believe me if I said I didn’t include it because we wanted to save trees?

Under A we have…Alaska, media not understanding. Pages 1-432.

Under B…Biased media. Pages 1-432

And under C…Conservative media. See acknowledgments.

I’ll stop there. I know this can be a long night, and as I understand it, we’re going to break with a Gridiron tradition. Normally, the Democrat speaker would deliver a speech after me. But instead, John McCain’s campaign staff asked if they could use that time for a rebuttal.

A lot has been made of a few campaign relationships. The closeness. The warm fuzzy feelings. John and I both agree all those staffers should just move past it. It’s history.

Let’s just say, if I ever need a bald campaign manager, it appears all I’m left with is James Carville.

I don’t want to say that I’ve burned a bridge, but I know all about canceling a bridge to nowhere.

© Matt Davies

This comic is the one of the clearest explanations of why in every recession we have ever had, the unemployment rate remain high for years after the economy starts improving. Employers will only start thinking about hiring after they are sure they will have the revenues to pay those workers. After all, running out of money to pay your workers is one of the easiest ways to end up with a bankrupt company.

© Steve Sack