Political Irony

© Matt Bors

It is ironic that if terrorists really wanted to kill Americans and damage our country, they could hardly come up with a better weapon than our current health care system.

“Hey, last night I watched Oprah’s White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a ‘solid B-plus’ for his first year in office. That’s a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a ‘WTF.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During an interview last night, Oprah Winfrey asked President Obama what grade he would give himself for his first year in office and he said a ‘B-plus.’ Then, Oprah shook her head and said, ‘I didn’t pay for a B-plus.'” – Conan O’Brien

“You know what is great about this country? This time of year especially, you get people like Oprah, who is powerful and an icon and an American treasure and transcends television. She’s a humanitarian. And last night, she had a big Christmas special that she videotaped at the White House. And it was just tremendous. But now, she interviewed the president and already, trouble. Trouble already. I mean, the Republicans are now complaining that President Obama bowed too low to Oprah. It’s just awful.” – David Letterman

“Today at the White House, President Obama met with a group of the nation’s top Wall Street bankers. And you know, these Wall Street bankers, they just don’t get it, you know? Like, they walked into the White House and said to Obama: ‘You live in this dump? What is this, the guest house? Please!'” – Jay Leno

“This should be interesting. President Obama announced that he will hold a meeting at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., tomorrow to discuss energy saving techniques, although everyone expects the meeting to get a little late start after the Home Depot employee sends him to the wrong aisle. ‘President meeting? That’s in aisle five, I think. It might be aisle six. You know, it’s not my department. I don’t know.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Obamas also said on that Christmas Eve they will leave milk and cookies in the yellow room for Santa. And today, Glenn Beck accused them of trying to bribe a foreign dignitary.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, Santa’s got a good way of sneaking into the White House. He’s just going to go with the two party crashers. ‘Ho, ho, ho! I’m on the list.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, in fact — if you saw it on ’60 Minutes’ last night — President Obama said never again will an unexpected guest sneak into the White House, so more bad news for Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno

“Hey, did you hear about those five American Muslims who went to Pakistan and tried to join up and become terrorists with al Qaeda? Well, they got rejected. Al Qaeda rejected them — this is true — because they lacked the proper credentials and references. Isn’t that unbelievable? Do you realize it’s harder to get into al Qaeda than it is to get into the White House? That is wrong. Ridiculous!” – Jay Leno

“Well, did you hear about this? According to TMZ, you know, Congress was supposed to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal, our highest civilian honor, then had to withdraw it, because of the scandal, which seems odd to me. I mean, what’s it up to now? Fifteen mistresses? That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn’t it?” – Jay Leno

“This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn’t hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as ‘al dente.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“How about this guy, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi? He is in Milan over the weekend. He’s signing autographs and somebody throws a statuette at the guy and literally breaks his face wide open. Threw a statue at the guy. And I think this hasn’t happened since, well, since I hosted the Academy Awards.” – David Letterman

“Hit him in the face with a statuette and then he backed over a fire hydrant. Yup. And then Gillette dropped him as a sponsor.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday, President Barack Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize from the Norwegians. This comes almost two weeks after Tiger Woods was crowned by a swede.” – Jay Leno

“The president got the Peace Prize yesterday. That was a big event yesterday in Norway. Yeah, yesterday in Norway, President Obama gave a speech accepting his Nobel Peace Prize, and Will Smith was in the crowd. Did you know that? Will Smith was sitting in the crowd. Amazing. Yeah, the place was packed with Norwegians and yet somehow Obama was able to spot Will Smith.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we’re fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, ‘Hey, I’m the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize.” – Jay Leno

“The environmental summit has gone on in Copenhagen, the big UN Summit on climate change. Thank god this has taken place because I want to tell you, when the UN tackles a problem, it’s gone. Adios, it’s gone.” – David Letterman

“A lot of heads of state at the Copenhagen summit, and a lot of scientists, and scientists are guys that don’t get out a lot. They’re always staring into beakers. So when they’re around other scientists, it’s kind of a party, you know what I’m saying? Kind of a party. So the hottest pickup line at the Copenhagen Climate Summit is, ‘Is it getting hotter, or is it just me?'” – David Letterman

“Prostitutes in Copenhagen have reportedly offered free sex to delegates attending the Global Warming Summit. Though if you do sleep with a prostitute at the Global Warming Summit, make sure to cap your emissions.” – Seth Meyers

“Wait till you hear this. A new poll found that 44% of Americans would rather have Bush back as the president. The scary part is that one of those people was President Obama. He’s like, ‘Please, be my guest.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, ‘I’m the president, but he’s the boss.’ At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan.” – Seth Meyers

“Next week, the Obama administration will host their first Hanukkah party at the White House. And according to the New York Times, a lot of people are upset, because it’s a little smaller this year, and they weren’t invited. They weren’t invited. Hey, it’s the White House. You just sneak in, okay?” – Jay Leno

“During a speech on the economy, President Obama said this week, ‘We have to continue to spend our way out of the recession.’ To which Nicholas Cage said, ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to do!'” – Jay Leno

“A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, ‘We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.’ Well, of course not. There’d be no politicians left if you did that.” – Jay Leno

“A man in Minnesota was arrested on Monday for trying to throw tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Luckily, Palin was able to shoot them out of the air” – Seth Meyers

© Tom Tomorrow

Think scientists who warn us about climate change are just playing chicken little? Do you believe that the ClimateGate hacked emails prove that global warming is a hoax?

Political Relief has a hilarious debate set in 1941 concerning the risk from Germany and Japan. The best lines come from the “Global War Denier”:

What’s your reaction to the hacked telegrams that global warring deniers say proves analysts have been fudging the data to exaggerate the Axis threat?

Sounds like another “big government” program to me, Peter. Don’t you see what’s happening? President Roosevelt and the Democrats are manipulating the facts to get Americans to support their socialist agenda. First a “Civilian Conservation Corps,” then a “Securities and Exchange Commission,” and now this?

Besides, joining the war would explode the deficit. I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna tighten my belt to support Roosevelt!

It makes no sense to disrupt our present economy on the off chance that Germany or Japan might one day threaten our country. Let’s cross that bridge if and when we come to it.