Political Irony

© Tom Toles

It you think it is bad now having to kiss Lieberman’s tushie in order to get 60 votes, just wait until after the midterms.

“In Washington, it looks like the Senate is almost done with the healthcare bill. Otherwise known as the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama had some tough words for congressmen who aren’t backing his healthcare bill. He told Rep. Peter DeFazio, ‘Don’t think we’re not keeping score, brother.’ Then he took a minute to introduce is new speechwriter — Hulk Hogan.” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Fox News yesterday, White House Senior Adviser David Axelrod said that President Obama hasn’t ‘given up on achieving something valuable in Copenhagen.’ Wow, in one year we’ve gone from ‘Yes we can!’ to ‘We haven’t totally given up.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Glenn Beck is on the show tonight. I can’t believe he took the time out from the U.N. climate conference to be here.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama has signed a new $1.1 trillion spending bill. See, the reason it’s called a spending bill is they get to spend it and we get the bill.” – Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s approval rating is down to 44 percent. I’d kill for numbers like that. The poll numbers are so low now, the Salahis don’t even want to be seen with him.” – David Letterman

“A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay 90 feet away from mistletoe.” – David Letterman

“I read that Washington, D.C. is gonna get a ton of snow this weekend. If it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can’t get anything done — you know, sort of like when it’s not snowing.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin was photographed in Hawaii this week wearing a ‘McCain for President’ visor, but she had blacked out the letters of her former running mate’s name. She was going to black out all of it, but halfway through, she quit.” – Seth Meyers

“It’s freezing in D.C. In fact, today, Sasha and Malia had to help Biden get his tongue unstuck from the flag pole. They were like, ‘We shouldn’t have dared him to do that.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“And listen to this. After one single senator, just one senator — Joe Lieberman of Connecticut — was able to block passage of the Medicare buy-in provision of that health care bill, some people are calling for the Senate to begin experimenting with a whole new way of doing business. Yeah, it’s called majority rules. They’re thinking of trying it to see how it works.” – Jay Leno

“Well, here’s good news, I think. The Democrats down in Washington believe they have 60 votes to pass a health care bill. That’s 58 Democrats and the Salahis. They’re going to go in there and vote.” – David Letterman

“But they don’t think that the health care bill will get passed before Christmas, unless they switch to the Mayan calendar.” –David Letterman

“Anybody going over to Denmark for the world global climate conference thing in Copenhagen? Yeah, I know. I’m going too. Here’s the idea. It’s got to be every country on the planet working together. And the United States is doing its part. And today, as a matter of fact, Barack Obama was talking to the Netherlands. He said, ‘Here’s the deal. You send us a windmill and we’ll send you Joe Lieberman.'” – David Letterman

“During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C. today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are ‘sexy.’ He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, according to MSNBC, President Obama’s approval rating has now dipped below 50 percent. To tell you how bad it is, people are now finding ways to sneak out of the White House.” – Jay Leno

“It’s hard to believe there’s only two weeks left in 2009. President Obama is already said to be hard at work on his New Year’s resolutions. His plan for 2010 is to do all the things he said he was going to do this year.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Remember the phrase, ‘hope and change’? They amended it today. Now it’s ‘don’t give up hope, nothing is going to change.'” – Jay Leno

“Oh, and listen to this. It happened yet again last month. A Georgia couple showed up a day early for a tour at the White House — you know, just regular folks. Showed up to tour the White House, somehow wound up in an invitation-only breakfast with President Obama and the First Lady. Isn’t that amazing? The only two people that couldn’t get in the White House this year were John McCain and Sarah Palin.” – Jay Leno

“The Obama Administration announced today that the Shinnecock Indians on Long Island will be federally recognized, which means they can now build a casino in New York City. The White House recognized them as an official tribe after meeting with the four tribal leaders, Fat Tony, Louie the Barber, Crazy Sal, and Momo Ricardo. The Gambino tribe, indigenous people to the area.” – Jay Leno

“According to a New York Times/CBS News poll, 26 percent of unemployed adults blame George W. Bush for the high unemployment rate. The other 74 percent blame the fact that they majored in English literature.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, this is interesting. After somebody threw a tomato at Sarah Palin during a book signing at the Mall of America, she went to another signing at a Costco in Utah, where they took all the tomatoes off the shelves. So instead she got hit by a three pound bag of frozen spinach ravioli.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, on the news today, people are complaining that we can’t find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. Bin Laden in Afghanistan? We can’t even find Tiger Woods in Florida.” – Jay Leno

“Senior New York Senator Chuck Schumer was on an airplane, and they were flying someplace. And they landed. He called one of the flight attendants a ‘bitch.’ Apparently, there was some ugliness. There were words exchanged. And it got heated and at one point the argument was so loud, it actually woke up the pilot.” – David Letterman

“I don’t know what to make out of this. NASA is in the process of trying to convert human waste into fuel. Man, talk about pressure to go on command, right? ‘Come on, Barry, just pee. We got to get back to Earth, man.’ ‘I can’t do it. Everyone is staring at me, man. Stop looking at me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“And this is good. Democratic leaders are hoping to pass healthcare reform before Christmas. And really, what better Christmas present could Obama give the country than the gift of not having to talk about healthcare anymore?” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama says that Congress is very close to getting a new health care plan, but due to compromises, it ‘won’t include everything that everybody wants.’ For instance, it covers everything except trips to the doctor or the hospital.” – Conan O’Brien

“Did you hear about what happened a couple of months ago at the White House? There were some tourists taking the tour of the White House. And the next thing you know, they’re invited to have breakfast with the president. So they went in and had breakfast with the president. And it turns out it was a huge mistake. They crashed breakfast with the president. And everybody was very upset, because they were supposed to crash a cabinet meeting.” – David Letterman

“You guys, listen to this. It turns out the Secret Service accidentally let another random couple into a private reception with Obama, which means at this point the White House is slightly less exclusive than the Burger King Kids Club.” – Jimmy Fallon

“But the Secret Service said that the couple had been properly screened. Well, that’s great. Who’s screening the Secret Service? That’s what I want to know!” – David Letterman

“But you know in the old days, when President Bush was down there in the White House, we didn’t have security breaches. And I’ll tell you why. We had ‘Shotgun’ Dick Cheney running things.” – David Letterman

“President Obama — this is an odd bit of news — he is going to appear on a WWE wrestling special. Clearly, he wants another one of them peace prizes.” – Craig Ferguson

“But Obama’s taking this appearance seriously. He’s been practicing by repeatedly hitting Joe Biden over the head with a folding chair.” – Craig Ferguson

“This, by the way, is the first time a president has participated in a wrestling event, if you don’t count Bill Clinton’s mud wrestling fiasco towards the end of his …” – Craig Ferguson

“And the Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican. So, congratulations.” – Jay Leno

“Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington, the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was, George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he greets everybody as they come in and he says, ‘Happy harmonica.'” – David Letterman

“Well, earlier this week at the White House, President Obama met with a group of the nation’s top Wall Street bankers face-to-face. The meeting went well, although the bankers did charge President Obama 25 bucks for not using the ATM out front. See, it costs more if you see them in person.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama has written a personal letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong- Il, in an effort to improve relations. It may not work because the letter starts, ‘Dear Mr. Girly Glasses.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They’re fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn’t proven. Schwarzenegger said she’s ‘living in the Stone Age.’ And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China.” – David Letterman

“This is the time of the year Time magazine announces their person of the year. You know who it is this year? The chairman of the Fed, Ben Bernanke. All right, girls, please, settle down, O.K.! He’s not here, all right?” – David Letterman

“This morning, ‘Time’ magazine named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke its 2009 Person of the Year. I’m not sure he deserves it. I think ‘Time’ just knows what everybody in the magazine business knows – you put Bernanke on the cover and you’re going to sell some copies.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Wow, yeah. That was a big surprise. They selected Ben Bernanke as the — all right! Please! Once more and you’re out of here, O.K.?” – David Letterman

“I was walking around today on my lunch hour, and I noticed that there are fewer sidewalk Santas this year. And then I remembered that President Obama sent the Salvation Army to Afghanistan. So that’s what happened.” – David Letterman

“And Citigroup announced it is paying taxpayers back the $20 billion in bailout money it took. Wells Fargo announced it’s paying back $25 billion it borrowed. And Bank of America says they’ve paid back the $45 billion in taxpayer money they borrowed. So the good news is taxpayers got their money back from Wall Street. The bad news? Congress has it. You’ll never see it again, O.K.? It is gone. It is gone forever.” – Jay Leno

“This is pretty amazing. Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, the White House gardeners were digging in the backyard yesterday; they found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies buried right there.” – Jay Leno

“They found 22 million missing White House e-mails. You hear President Bush’s excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn’t find a stamp.” – Jay Leno

“Well, according to our NBC affiliate in Wilmington, North Carolina, former Democratic presidential candidate John ‘I am not the father’ Edwards has reportedly bought a home for his former mistress. See, that’s why John Edwards thinks there are two Americas. He’s got two different women living in two different houses. Anyway, he bought a house for the woman he was having an affair with. Imagine if Tiger Woods started doing that. You could jump-start the housing market like that, and put millions of people back to work.” – Jay Leno