Political Irony

© Matt Davies

Once again, the problem wasn’t gathering intelligence. We already had all the information we needed to know that Abdulmutallab shouldn’t have been allowed on that airplane. Heck, his father even went to the US Embassy to warn us about him. We didn’t need to torture anyone (or even violate anyone’s rights) to get this information. But having the best information in the world doesn’t do any good if you fail to act on it, or even share it with the people who could have acted on it.

“President Obama’s daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad’s gift. She won’t say what it is but she did say, ‘It’s something he likes.’ Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?” – Conan O’Brien

“Oh, I love this — did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? Yesterday, President Obama said his wife, Michelle, decided they should not buy each other Christmas gifts this year. Mr. President, if you’re listening, it’s a trap! Listen! She doesn’t mean it. Go shopping. Let me tell you something Mr. President, if you don’t buy her a gift, you better hope health care passes.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself ‘Barry from D.C.’ Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck’s radio show as ‘B. Hussein from Kenya.'” ?” – Conan O’Brien

“Well, it’s been a long time coming . . . But tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. is the Senate’s big healthcare vote. Which means starting at 5 a.m., me and my buddies will be tailgating in the Senate parking lot.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney.” – Conan O’Brien

“Traffic is bad, the holiday with the gridlock. It’s like Dick Cheney, all major arteries are clogged.” – David Letterman

“According to a recent report, due to the recession, Americans are eating cheap, unhealthy, fatty foods. So apparently, the recession started in 1957.” ?” – Conan O’Brien

“Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot.” – David Letterman

“The wife of Al Qaeda’s second in command is now calling on women to become suicide bombers. To qualify, they must be able to push a car loaded with explosives, because, as you know, women aren’t allowed to drive over there.” – Jay Leno

“It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for healthcare. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes.” – Jay Leno

“The healthcare bill won’t have a public option. But Obama was like, ‘The public option is not the most important aspect’ of the healthcare bill because ‘only a few million people’ would benefit from it. And then a few million people were like ‘Ummm . . . we can hear you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.'” – Jay Leno

“Everyone is talking about healthcare. President Obama is working around the clock on the bill. In fact, I heard he may even delay his end-of-the-year vacation to Hawaii just to get it done. As a result, his approval rating among Sasha and Malia is now at a record low zero percent.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama says that this year for Christmas his daughters want an iPod, video games and some books. But boy — you should have seen the looks on their faces when he told them instead they’re both getting universal healthcare.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said on a radio show this morning that he and Michelle decided several years ago not to exchange Christmas presents. That’s nice. My wife and I made the same decision a few years ago and let me tell you, it’s a trap, Obama! Don’t fall for it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama brought cookies to kids at a Boys and Girls Club in D.C. yesterday, and he said to the kids, ‘Here’s the question: have you guys been good?’ Then the kids were like, ‘Here’s another question: Did you get us the Olympics? How about a public option? Did you fix the economy? No? Then why don’t you just hand over the cookies, Barry.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know who had a great year in 2009? Wall Street bankers — they had a bailout and still get bonuses. So there’s a lesson here: In America it’s better to be a fat cat than a horny tiger.” – Jay Leno

“Former President Bush is currently working on his memoirs and he said he’s completed about 85 percent. His exact quote was, ‘I’m halfway done.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Dick Cheney has been named ‘Conservative of the Year’ by Human Events magazine. I think this is the first time ‘Dick Cheney’ and ‘human’ have been used in the same sentence. Dick Cheney was also named ‘gas-bag of the year’ by Gas-Bag magazine.” – David Letterman